So does anyone have any jokes?? (1 Viewer)

A

Adnil

I closed my account
Not a joke exactly, but still funny
 

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We sell all kinds of other stuff in our Etsy store!
A

Adnil

I closed my account
Not a joke exactly, but still funny.
 

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A

Adnil

I closed my account
Not a joke exactly, but still funny.
 

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roguetrader

Vagabond
Joined
Oct 24, 2015
Messages
473
Location
Exeter, United Kingdom
what's the difference between a djembe and an onion ? ....... you cry when you chop up an onion ! / also a joke from my daughter earlier on went " my dad's so fat that when he goes to the beach all the whales start singing We Are Family "
 

Joe Btfsplk

Wanderer
Joined
Mar 16, 2009
Messages
105
Location
MKE
Imagine the shy young man’s surprise when Pope Francis sat down in the seat next to him for the flight destined for New York City. Shortly after takeoff, the pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is really swell,” thought the young man, “I’m really good at crosswords and if the pope gets stuck, perhaps he’ll ask me for assistance and I’ll get a gold pass to heaven.”

Shortly thereafter, the pope turned to the young man and said, “Excuse me son, but I suddenly seem to be blocked on this crossword puzzle. Do you happen to know a four-letter word that ends in 'unt,' u-n-t, and that refers to a woman?” Only one such word leapt to mind, a word the young man felt should not be uttered in the pope’s presence. He thought a moment, and from a bolt from the blue, turned to the pope and said, “I believe your holiness, that it is the word ‘aunt’ you seek—a-u-n-t.” And the pope said, “Of course, my son. ‘A-u-n-t.’ God bless you. I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser?”
 

Joe Btfsplk

Wanderer
Joined
Mar 16, 2009
Messages
105
Location
MKE
If you put four people in a room and get them drunk, they'll start an argument.
If you put four people in a room and get them stoned, they'll start a band.


Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.
 

Walkingfish

Lurker
Joined
May 15, 2016
Messages
1
Location
Milky Way
So I was spanging outside a store the other day, there was an ATM outside with this little old lady using it. She had to been 90 years old, hunched over a cane, looking confused. I asked her if she was alright and she said, in her frail old voice, "well young man, I could use some help. I can give you a few dollars."

"Sure," I said, "What can I do for you."

"I'm confused. I don't understand these new-fangled banking machines. Can you help me check my balance?"

"Absolutely!" i said springing to my feet...



and I kicked her cane and pushed her down and said "Your balance sucks!"
 

Hylyx

Vagabond
Joined
Apr 5, 2012
Messages
245
2 of my dad's favorite jokes:

A drunk was stumbling through a Louisiana graveyard. Sure enough, he loses his balance on the edge of a newly-dug and empty grave. He falls into he hole and passes out, briefly. As the night drags on, he comes to and calls for help.
"Help me, I'm cold!!!"
"Help me, I'm cold!!!"
"Help me, I'm cold!!!"
Finally another drunk hears his cries and comes near enough to see what's going on.
"Help me, I'm cold!!!", cries the man in the grave.
"Well of course you;re cold", exclaims the new arrival. "You done gone kicked all the dirt off of you!!"
_____________________________________

An ol' country boy had for years tried to get his big city lawyer brother to come out and visit for a hunting trip. Finally, one day, his lawyer brother said he had enough free time to make it. He shows up with new camo gear, a new shotgun, new waders, etc. THe country brother shakes his head, but still feels happy to see his brother, and trade stories long into the night.
Far before dawn, they awake, get dressed, and head out into the swamp, the bumpkin's mangy hunting mutt in tow.
Barely light enough to not walk into trees, they come upon a bunch of ducks. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!!! They both take careful aim, but only one duck falls from the sky. The hunting
mutt starts after the duck, goes *triptriptriptrip* acros the water, picks up the duck, goes *triptriptriptrip* back across the swamp to here they are standing, and drops the duck at her master's feet. No one says a word, and they keep on wading.
Again, they come upon a flock of ducks sitting in the water. BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM. The dog starts off again, same thing *triptriptriptrip* across the swamp water, picks up the duck, *triptriptriptrip* back to them, and drops the duck unscathed at her master's feet.
Finally the lawyer brother speaks up: "Now I didn't say anything the first time, cuz I thought I saw a goddamn lie. But did I just watch that mangy ol mutt walk *triptriptriptrip" across the water, pick up a duck, walk *triptriptriptrip* back here, and gice the duck to you?

"Yeahhhhhh" says his brother, "it's a goddamn embarrassment. I never could teach this stupid dog how to swim."
 

OstrichJockey

I'm a d-bag and got banned.
Banned
Joined
Sep 10, 2015
Messages
120
Age
27
Location
Trash Can
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
 
K

Kim Chee

I closed my account
Do you know why a dog likes to lick you on the face?

To get the taste of butt off of his tongue.
 

Garminbozia

Rambler
Joined
Aug 27, 2016
Messages
115
Age
34
Location
St.Cloud, Florida. United States
What do you call a deer with no eye's?

No idear.


What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.


Don't you think the person who invented the knock knock joke should win a nobell prize?


What do you call a deer with no eye's and no legs?

Still no idear.
 

wrkrsunite

Vagabond
Joined
Dec 26, 2011
Messages
264
Location
San Fransisco
Why don't union pacific engineer s wives ever get pregnant?
Cuz uncle Pete always pulls out on time.

What's the last thing that went thru a world trade center jumpers mind?
His shin bones.
 

creature

plastic wingnut in a microwave
Banned
Joined
Sep 23, 2009
Messages
1,708
Location
folks who know me have my #.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says, "Again? What the hell is wrong with you people?" and pours two beers.
i think that is fucking hilarious..

hopefully he takes an infinitely long time two fucking poor them..

unless they are truly thirsty, in which case he pours them beer/1 ; )
 

Hylyx

Vagabond
Joined
Apr 5, 2012
Messages
245
Ya hear the story about the old tramp who had enough and went to commit suicide? He went and laid across the Amtrak line, poor ol bastard starved to death.
 

OakTreeHopper

Newbie
Joined
Jul 20, 2016
Messages
26
Location
indiana
what's the first thing you do after taking a hippie chick's dress off



take off her pants










offensive inappropriate
might be racist
..................................
a plane is going down the pilot ask for volunteers to jump no one does
pilot says fine we'll do this alphabetically
i want all African Americans to raise their hands...no one does
pilot says i want all black people to raise their hands...no one does
pilot says i want all colored people to raise their hands...no one does
a little girl sitting by her mom goes mama mama why didn't we raise our hands we're all of those we're African American, black and colored????
mama looks at her daughter and says
not today honey today we're niggers and the mexicans are going first
 

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