So does anyone have any jokes?? (1 Viewer)

T

travmhid

I closed my account
i think that is fucking hilarious..

Well then, hopefully this gets a laugh too.. I mean it's no infinite series joke, but I like it. xD

Four logicians walk into a bar.
Barkeeper: "Y'all something to drink?"
Logician #1: "I don't know."
Logician #2: "I don't know."
Logician #3: "I don't know."
Logician #4: "Yes."
 
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T

travmhid

I closed my account
So a dude is fuckin' his girlfriend in the ass when her mother walks in. The mother shrieks, the girlfriend clenches, the dude pulls out. Pink sock.
 

HoboinaTux

Rambler
Joined
Dec 4, 2011
Messages
128
Location
Raleigh, NC
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

I was going down on this chick and I tasted horse cum. I was like, damn grandma THAT'S how you died?!

What's the difference between a bag of heroin and a school?

I don't shoot up schools.



Question Everything
 

6bummin6it6

Pilgrim
Joined
Jan 12, 2014
Messages
70
Location
Cincinnati, United States
Tell these jokes in the same joke sharing session, but with many jokes between them.

First

A hollywood big shot is having an house built. His only requirement to the engineer was that there be no wasted materials. Not a btick, not a nail, not a single shingle. If the engineer completes the task, he gets like billions of dollars, if he fails and anything is left over or wasted, he gets nothing in return for his work. So the engineer hires a team of architects and fellow engineers and they work for years drawing plans. The greatest builders in the world come to work on the house. When the house is built, there is a single brick left. Fuck. But the hollywood bigshot loves the house so much he cuts the engineer a deal. He paints a line on the ground, if the break lands on this side, you get the money, if it lands on the other side, you get nothing. He launches the brick into the air and half a brick lands on the side to get the guy his money. The other half of the brick was never seen again.

Makes no sense right? Good. Now tell some jokes and what not. Then tell this one.

People on a plane. There is this lady with a little dog. A guy nearby lights a cigarette and the dog starts yapping. The guys like hey, make yer dog shut up. The lady is all like put out your cigarette and the dog will shut up. A stewardess gets involved and the guy ends up putting out his cigarette. An hour passes and the entire process begins again. This time the stewardess says to the man, if you light another cigarette and i have to come back here again im gonna throw those cigarettes out the window. So of course another hour passes and the guy lights up another cigarette and the dog starts yapping and the stewardess is all like fuck you buddy *punches him in the face* takes his cigarettes and throws them out the window. And the dog jumped outta the window after the cigarettes. The lady is all upset and crying. With no yapping dog the guy can finally enjoy a cigarette in peace (he brought two packs) when the plane lands you can see the dog standing on the wing of the plane, its got something in its mouth. What do you think it was? (The cigarettes right? )

Nope, the object in the dogs mouth was.................HALF A FUCKING BRICK!!!!
 

XlilyX

Pilgrim
Joined
Feb 21, 2017
Messages
51
Location
san diego
Website
hashbone.bandcamp.com
a few originals here

What do you call an abstract wholesale store?
... picostco

what do you call a cow who owns too many guitar pedals as it grazes on a field of footwear?
...moograze

why can't Rastafarians commit manslaughter?
...its always pre-medicated
 
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JamesPrice94

Pilgrim
Joined
Aug 26, 2015
Messages
49
Location
Ottawa
A good one for the bartender

What's the difference between you and a zebra ?

A zebra's got a bunch of bars and an asshole.

You got a bar and a bunch of ass holes
 

roughdraft

RápidoCorrenLosCarrosRespletoLosRielesDFerrocarril
Joined
Oct 16, 2015
Messages
1,300
Location
smocation
a backpacker is hitchhiking somewhere in South America when a truckdriver pulls over to pick him up

they get moving and soon the backpacker notices there is a monkey jumping around inside the cab

"that's my pet monkey who travels with me"

"oh how cool is that?" says the backpacker

"yes in fact he is a special monkey that i picked up in Brazil, he does some really cool tricks, would you like to see one?"

"sure would" says the backpacker

the truck driver turns and smacks the monkey on the back of it's head

the monkey proceeds to unzip the truck driver's pants, pulls out his member and starts sucking on it

the backpacker is thinking 'holy shit' and soon the trucker climaxes in the monkey's mouth

wanting to go along with it and not lose the much needed ride the backpacker says 'wow that is an amazing trick!'

the trucker says 'sure is, do you want to give it a try? you're more than welcome'

the backpacker leans his head toward the truckers' lap and says 'yeah but you don't have to hit me so hard'
 

roughdraft

RápidoCorrenLosCarrosRespletoLosRielesDFerrocarril
Joined
Oct 16, 2015
Messages
1,300
Location
smocation
What's the difference between Christ and a framed painting of Christ?

a framed painting of Christ can be hoisted up with only one nail
 

Jerrell

Vagabond
Joined
Aug 27, 2017
Messages
321
Location
Oregon
After a long day of travel Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and asks the clerk, "can you put me up for the night?"
 

Mitzy

Newbie
Joined
Mar 22, 2018
Messages
5
Location
849-859 Brook Rd, Wadsworth, OH 44281, USA
What did the grape say when it got crushed
Nothing it just let out a little wine

atheism is a non-prophet orgainzation

There was gonna be a cook off at the top of mount everest, the theme was cow, anything made of cow would be accepted. There were a shit ton of vegans gettin POed about it a bunch of cows are going to die??? They were going to do something about it, but the STEAKS were too high
 
D

Deleted member 16701

I closed my account
Why did the Seamen cross the road?

Cuz i wore the wrong socks today..
 

Dagonshucks

Pilgrim
Joined
Jan 22, 2012
Messages
43
Age
32
Location
Milwaukee, United States
So this guy has been buying things all his life and he's a real breadwinner. One day he thinks he sees a whore and asks if she's for sale. "Sure, whatever," she says.
So they have sex, then he finishes and gives her the money. He goes and tells his buddies he got laid, and she goes and tells her girlfriends she bought a male prostitute.
 
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jimbo slice

Lurker
Joined
Oct 31, 2017
Messages
45
Location
indy
Have you ever had sex while squatting?...it's "in tents".

Three guys die and go to the next life..ones a drunk ones a herion addict ones a pot head ...
The gate keeper takes the drunk to his domain and it's a big bar tells em have fun get wasted..
Takes the junkie to a dope house tells em have a blast do all the shots you want..
Takes the pot head to a field full of weed tells em have a good time getting stoned..
The gate keeper comes back a thousand years later and checks on the three addicts
The drunk is wasted running around with his shirt off having a blast ..
The junkie is sitting in a corner with a smile feeling like a million bucks
He comes to check on the stoner finds him in the middle of the field ..he looks up at the gate keeper and smiles..hey man you got a light??
 

blue ant

Wayfarer
Joined
Jul 8, 2017
Messages
49
Age
24
Location
Phoenix, AZ
Gonna get banned for this one.

What do you call a hitchhiker with a skin condition? Itchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who needs money for beer? Pitchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who reads Eric Gardner? Witchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker whose jacket's covered in a bunch of stupid pins? Kitschhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker that tattles to the cops on the train kids? Snitchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker that's no good with computers? Glitchhiker
What do you call an undead hitchhiker? Lichhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who's way into fashion? Stitchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who whines a lot? Bitchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who'll pitch or catch? Switchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who likes Harry Potter too much? Quidditchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who passes out on the side of the road? Ditchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who stands in the middle of a road?
Dead.
 

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