Featured Stupid things the cops have said to you?

[Domnique]

Back in the eighties in Geneva, I went out the squat I was living, 2 cops was passing by in a car, they stopped, and one of them said me: "What are doing with a hammer in the street?"

I answered: "That's not a hammer, it's a hax!"

And continued: "We just expelled a moron for the third time."

He said: "Well, we will stop to send him back to your place, but please go home with that axe."

 

[creature]

the way to deal with a cop is always frame things in a way that is easy for them to answer *as quickly as possible* in a way that seems to prove their intellectual prowess..

you see.. cops are actually vetted with the intent to limit their intelligence, so they have basic.. compensation?.. issues..

make it easy for them & you can manipulate them..

being honest is a bitch..
don't expect a cop to see honesty as anything other than a chance to prove his own superiority by finding fault..

frame shit so that it easily allows the cop to draw a conclusion which agrees to your own perception, while clouding your opponent's with whatever reasonable complications come to mind.. ("but if i had hit *them*, wouldn't the dent pattern go in the opposite direction??")

now.. i am not saying be evil..
i am not saying don't exersice self control..

but what i am saying is that if you are *reasonable* & some shithead does some shitheaded fucking shithead stuff that leads to the involvement of a third party who is really just a taste tester for the predjudices of society, then use the fucking taste tester to your own fucking ends, so long as you were not being outrightly malicious from the get-go with whatever fuck up it is that you involved yourself in..

it's one thing to react emotionaly to someone else's clear irresponsibility, selfishness or indifference..

it's another thing entirely to be a fuck from the get go that manipulates others psychologically, just to get away with shit..

all the latter does, really, is make you a bad cop..

but as a piece of advice..
make shit easy for a cop to figure out & you have, i'd think, a 70% or better chance of them agreeing with you, if everything else is equal..

remember:
a good excuse is better than truth when you are dealing with people who do want to take the least possible effort to be responsible..

just a basic law of thermodynamics..

 

[Popsicle]

Cop ( how old are you )

Nothing else said

 

[Odin]

the way to deal with a cop is always frame things in a way that is easy for them to answer *as quickly as possible* in a way that seems to prove their intellectual prowess..

you see.. cops are actually vetted with the intent to limit their intelligence, so they have basic.. compensation?.. issues..

make it easy for them & you can manipulate them..

being honest is a bitch..
don't expect a cop to see honesty as anything other than a chance to prove his own superiority by finding fault..

frame shit so that it easily allows the cop to draw a conclusion which agrees to your own perception, while clouding your opponent's with whatever reasonable complications come to mind.. ("but if i had hit *them*, wouldn't the dent pattern go in the opposite direction??")

now.. i am not saying be evil..
i am not saying don't exersice self control..

but what i am saying is that if you are *reasonable* & some shithead does some shitheaded fucking shithead stuff that leads to the involvement of a third party who is really just a taste tester for the predjudices of society, then use the fucking taste tester to your own fucking ends, so long as you were not being outrightly malicious from the get-go with whatever fuck uo it is that you involved yourself in..

it's one thing to react emotionaly to someone else's clear irresponsibility, selfishness or indifference..

it's another thing entirely to be a fuck from the get go that manipulates others psychologically, just to get away with shit..

all the latter does, really, is make you a bad cop..

but as a piece of advice..
make shit easy for a cop to figure out & you have, i'd think, a 70% or better chance of them agreeing with you, if everything else is equal..

remember:
a good excuse is better than truth when you are dealing with people who do want to take the effort to be responsible..

just a basic law of thermodynamics..

You need to dop by chi so I can buy you a beer n pizza... You sir are a fount of words to the wise.

 

[muff cabbage]

I was with a girl and we had 3 cars n the sheriff called on us for expired registration n a legal amount of weed. We asked why 3 cars were neccessary n the grown ass manchild cop was freaking out and projecting on us yelling shit like " have you seen the news? I have a wife n kids my lifes in danger. all these cops are dying on the news, how do i know if you have a gun when he was obviously the only motherfucker carrying. like literally screaming his anxieties at 2 womyn. It shouldnt be our job to deescalate your shit.

 

[CaptainCassius]

Let's see...

When I was a kid there was a few funny ones that come to mind:

Probably 15 or 16, get stopped with me n some friends, cop pulled out a bottle of vodka we had pilfered from a jock house party the night before. "Wow look at that, ice cold! Bet that's refreshing on a hot day like this" he says, then proceeds to do his best David Caruso and follows it up with "you know what I like on a hot day like this? An ice... Cold... Glass.. of water!" Officer Darling was his name.

Ha. Ha. Ha..

Probably later that year, cop pulls up to us my buddy is on the handle bars of my bike and he goes " what the hell are you kids thinking? Where's your brain buckets?"

And the one time probably the year after, hey mister-ing some booze at the corner store, 5-0 rolls up, detained, searched. He feels something in my pocket and stupidily asks: "do you know what's in your pocket?" Sensing an opportunity here I said "no! They're not my pants!" -"so this weed in your pocket.. You didn't know about that? Wait who's pants are they?" - "nope, a friends" - "you wear your friends pants?" - "yeah mine were dirty!" Let's me off the hook and puts the weed back in my pocket.

There's more but then I'd have nothing to gripe about around the campfire!

 

[Deleted member 20240]

Oh, oh, I have an Humboldt cop one too! They are none to happy about traveler dogs, eh? I was with a few people sitting in some random grassy spot in Arcata, behind a store or something, and a cop rolls up and after asking us all our names, hometowns and "And what are you doin' in my town?" starts pegging one gal about the 2 or 3 dogs she had with her (I think her friends had left for a minute and left her with all the dogs). Whenever he asked a question she would answer it with a question i.e. Q: "Whose dogs are these?" A: "Whose dogs are these..?" After a couple rounds of that the cop gets all pompous-like and says "LET ME TELL YOU a little somethin' I learned in the Police Academy. If someone answers a question with a question like you did just there, that means they're buying time because they're going to lie." Then he looks around the group of us with this look like we're supposed be impressed with his super skills.


I once had an encounter with a cop whose name was, I kid you not, Officer Lawless. He didn't say anything memorably stupid but I have to mention it when talking about cops, it was hilaaaaarious.

Thier was a cop in Alabama named *officer friendly*, who enjoyed beating his wife. Got away with it for a while until one day he totally lost his shit and headed down his street in his boxers waving a gun in his hand.

 

[Stinkyyy]

Probably not the best but pretty funny - sleeping out on a block on Oxford st in London. Pond story short cops come and try to move us and say all that shit like there's plenty better places so we say 'yeah? Where should we go' and this cop says 'oh look, I don't know, just get up and go up there, to left then left again I don't even care'...... Could barely tell him for laughing that up, left and left again took us back to where we were. Ah.

 

[NapalmBreath]

Me (being detained somewhere in NC) - "...you profiled us."

Pig - "We didn't profile you, we just noticed y'all weren't from around here."

Me - "Y-yeah, that's profiling."

 

[NapalmBreath]

Another time I was spotted getting off an IM in Jacksonville and the bull caught up with us a block or two from the yard.

After lecturing us on how unsafe and stupid we were being, he informed us - "back in my day we had a little more respect for authority; your generation likes to try and buck the law."

Ultimately he let us go without so much as a ticket because he didn't think my roaddawg could fend for herself if he took me in on my warrant.

 

[Deleted member 20975]

Every single fucking word out of their stupid mouths!
Two year college fucks used as bouncers for a fucked up system telling me how i should live my life. Fuck tha police!
But to answer the question specifically
Brandon, Manitoba.... homebum santuary apparently. Kinda rural area, couple miles from the highway, train runs through it. We are literally walking through the city, just on the outskirts coming back in, when out of nowhere two cruisers pull up and a couple cops come up to us and give us the whole shpeil. Finally im like, "whats this about, wtf do you want" and i swear to god word for word this chick cop hesitates and you can tell almost feels stupid saying it tells us "We're just not used to your kind around here". Fucking hillarious, somehow we stepped into a cheesy 60's western. OF COURSE YOURE NOT USED TO TRAVELLERS, YOURE USED TO STUPID HOMEBUMS! The local soup kitchen was choice though. Hot shmorgasboard. Metal cuttlery. They fucking served the food :/ Couldnt believe it. That was the first of three times we were asked to leave town. Fuck brandon manitoba!

 

[Deleted member 20975]

Another time I was spotted getting off an IM in Jacksonville and the bull caught up with us a block or two from the yard.

After lecturing us on how unsafe and stupid we were being, he informed us - "back in my day we had a little more respect for authority; your generation likes to try and buck the law."

Ultimately he let us go without so much as a ticket because he didn't think my roaddawg could fend for herself if he took me in on my warrant.

similar story
I was travelling with a kid that was like 14 and we got all hammered. Dying to get the fuck out of a town we were stuck in and he fucking climbs into a gondola, drunk as fuck, middle of the day right under a bridge in town. Hot summer with no water heading into the praries. He wouldnt listen to me and i didnt know him enough to know i shoulda just decked him out. Anyway i had to follow him. Cops showed up and i flipped them the bird and they came to retreive us. I was going to get arrested but he starts crying and saying hes all alone hes only got me and all this shit. Sincere, but it was perfect, cops let me go and just with a sigh told us to get the fuck outta town and not come back. HAHAHHAA. He saved my ass.
fuck. How many towns have i been run out of

 

[Deleted member 20975]

When i was 19 i was living off the grid working as a farm hand learning to grow organic..at night i was all alone in a trailer in the middle of the woods with no electricity or flashlight so i liked to walk 4 miles in to town and read.. i sat under the light in front of the post office and a cop pulls up after a few minutes and asks me what i am doing.. i look at my book then back at him then go umm.. reading.. then the pissing contest starts.. he goes on to say i broke in to a car the night before and he has me on film sitting in front of the general store ..

i was indeed sitting infront of there but i never broke in to a car.. so he tried to get me to incriminate myself and takes out a figner print thing.. i refuse to give him prints or ID and he says well we will just sit here all night.. 30 mins go by as he sits in his car staring me down.. eventually i get sick of it and take out my blackberry and start pretending to film him(it was dead for like a week in my pocket and i did not even know how to use the camera).. he jumps out and says ok You are free to go.. i said thats what i thought.. then i point to a patch on my bag that says "cops are assholes" he looked angry and said why do you have that did you have past bad experiences? I said yes! and if you ever bug me again i will film it and my lawyer will be on you.. i did not even have one but he got all freaked out and left.. i later found out he was a rookie (obviously) and he was trying to make a name for himself. He fucked with everyone in that small town.


Another one:Cop:You some kind of rockstar? He thinks he is speical! He was refering to my DIY vest. Me:no, but you are definitely an asshole.

Sitting in bestbuy parkinglot back in the day with a bag of Cheetos at 3am.. cop pulls up.. what the fuck are you doing! Umm.. eating cheetos.. well you need to move along! You're going to be arrested! I was like.. for what!?!.. eating chesse doodles! He just looked like he wanted to kill me. And i left.

Cop:What are you doing walking out here at 1 in the morning on these back roads..? Me:I am walking! Cop:Why? Me:Because i feel like it? You just seem strange wearing all black.. then he just drives off.

One more.. i have like 100 more but..

Years ago I was coming home from partying. I had my friend kimmy in the passenger seat and her dude in the back seat.. i had 16 grams of bud on me in my pocket and we had just left a club.. we drove 30 miles back to the town they lived in .. just as i got down their street i see lights.. SHIT.. i pull in to a parking lot and run over a curb in doing so.. he comes up to the window and the first thing he asks.. you on any medication? I am like what? No! He asks where i an coming from and i lie and tell him the movies.. he says what movie did u see..

shit i turn to kimmy and smile and make a face like da fuk do i do? She spits out some random movie playing.. i had no idea what movies were playing..he says ok.. so u know why i pulled u over? Me:nope.. you have a tail light out.. get that fixed..then gives me a warning and leaves..kimmy had an ounce of bud.. she was my dealer at the time.. her dude had at least 5 grams and i had 16 grams..i felt such relief when i pulled in to their drive way.

I had an ounce of mushrooms crotched and we got busted smoking a joint at a carnival. They threw our joints in this big pound sized ziplock filled with random peoples buds and half joints and shit lol, took my scale and cash then gave us a promise to appear and told us to fuck off. Ive never speed walked so far in my life before that day.

 

[Deleted member 21003]

"It's amnesty hour, come on I know you guys have pot in the car. Turn it over to me and I'll let you guys keep going."

It was coming out of a rainbow gathering and finally the dude let us go and just said something like, "get the fuck out of here."

 

[ScumRag]

Houseless in SF at the time, maybe 2007ish, I'm sitting outside the central library bout 7am drinking some coffee and these two pricks roll up approaching real slow and describe how there's a guy by the asian arts museum who says i terrorized him all night and have a shot gun.
Now keep in mind ive only got an old beat up jansport brand bookbag.

As i reach down to pick up my bag, one of the cops literally takes a defensive pose while reaching for his glock & yells,
"What's wrong with you? Wanna get shot?!"

I laughed. Really hard- which they don't like at all. So i sorta throw the book bag at them to search.

What a buncha fukn idiots. Yeah- there's a shot gun in there. Moron.

 

[roughdraft]

both in Maryland when i was 18

1. i come from a rural area and in one particular spot..there's a small wooden bridge way out on a backroad that has a small dock attached, with a staircase leading down to this rectangular platform of a dock meant for nothing in particular

it's on a creek, very beautiful area..common to swim there and it's legal to occupy the dock from 6am to 9pm...so my friend and i were out there one day after smoking down, just lounging in the sun for a couple hours...well a state trooper decides to stop while he's crossing the bridge. it's not even near sunset at this point, motherfucker gets out of the vehicle, WALKS OVER TO THE TOP OF THE STAIRCASE and says to us ( and i will never forget it ) "hey this is a ROAD here - this isn't a place you can just hang out!".....well no...this is a dock...very distinct from what you would call a road right?....anyway the dumb fuck just went back to the car and drove off, meanwhile my friend and i are looking at each other at a loss for words. but I could tell the cop was a true psychopath, really killed the mood so we rolled out soon after

how fuckin stupid can you be, this was akin to walking into a loud restaurant and screaming QUIET....THIS IS A LIBRARY

2. i used to smoke tobacco out of a wooden pipe

i was driving about 70 in the 55 smoking this pipe in the daytime traveling towards Jersey en route to Brattleboro VT actually ...wearing a tiedye shirt AND i had long hair at the time...well i get pulled over for speeding and it turns into prepping for a search because 'i saw you smoking a pipe and blah blah blah...' with a second car showing up. I'm not sweating it at this point. i have nothing illegal...they were right out of the movies playing good cop bad cop trying to get me to confess to something...one cop was monotone and kinda chill asking me bullshit and goes back to his car...the other cop comes right up to the window and practically yells in my face "so did you throw your BONG out the WINDOW???" and I will never forget this either...because it was so bizarre i immediately imagined a bright green bong sitting in a ditch down the road. I almost felt inclined to ask if he had actually seen one...

but not really, at that point i started going off a bit because of how gungho they were over such bullshit, setting them straight on how i knew i had nothing and that the pipe had no resin erc...

swear on my life i got nothing but a warning for the speeding. made my day to be honest it was funny at the end of it all, the first cop looked ashamed..

 

[Benji91]

So down here in Brisbane, Australia we had laws come in a couple years ago (which have since been thrown out) to try and eradicate outlaw motorcycle clubs. Shit was fucked up - no identifying clothing (regardless of whether you have "gang links" or not), mandatory minimum sentences, potential jail time if you're seen with a 1%er...but that's all a different story.

With this great new police powers the police had an even strong need to hassle everyone.

Well, alright...

I was driving to a gig in my soccer mum Honda SUV, pulled up at a servo to buy some smokes and walk in wearing my battle vest (which had an old "Punkfest / Brisbane" patch on the back).

Two coppers see me wearing clothes that are a little different and start questioning me. They're opening line was "Are you a member of an organised, criminal organisation?". Like, fucking really? Would anyone say yes to this? They probed with a few more questions and seemed disappointed that "Punkfest" was just a bi-weekly gig...didn't stop them from rocking up and hassling a few of us in the car park though. Shit happens.

Gave me a giggle at the time.

 

[paiche]

"You laughin now but you be cryin" In a thick Louisiana accent

 

[Mitzy]

"You laughin now but you be cryin" In a thick Louisiana accent

Did you end up cryin though?

 

[roughdraft]

"You laughin now but you be cryin" In a thick Louisiana accent

home is where you make it / you like to see homeboys naked?