Featured Stupid things the cops have said to you?

[dandy]

This one might be kinda long, but it's worth the read.

This was back when I was 17. I was at a X-mas party with some friends and I was getting a ride back with some buddies who live across the street from me, but first we had to drop off one of their friends who lives a good 30 minutes out of the way. We drop off their friend and by the time we head out again, it's 3 am and we're the only car on the road in Milton, GA (really suburban area). As fate would have it, there's a cop driving in the opposite direction and he of course pulls a U-ey and starts following us.
My stomach drops as I realize 2 out of the 3 of us are drunk and I have my bowl/grinder/empty jar I usually keep my pot in with me in my backpack. Of course, we get pulled over, and the cop runs our names along with my sober friend's license and the car's registration, blah blah blah. Turns out my friend's parents (whose car it was) hadn't re-insured it since moving down to GA from NY.
They call a tow truck and start taking inventory of everything in the car. Officer Pork-Rinds of course reaches the back seat and starts opening my backpack. I'm sweating like a pig (heh) and tell him it's mine and I'm gonna be taking it with me so there's no point in writing it on the inventory list. He gives me a really skeptical look and I know he can smell my goods. He keeps shining his light in the back of the car and routinely sniffing my bag.
He takes it out and looks over at me.

Cop: This bag yer's right?
Me: Yeah... it's mine.
Cop: I'm gonna need you to come back to my squad car and place yer hands on the hood.

I follow him to the squad car. He goes on to tell me that my bag smells like straight skunk and that's a cause for search. I know this and don't bother trying to finagle my way out since I know I'm lucky if I don't end up in jail. Plus it's X-mas eve and my folks can't afford to bail me out and bail=rent. Anyways, he goes through every nook and cranny of my bag and pulls out my bowl/grinder/jar. He tells me he knows I have weed since I obviously have everything else. I assure him I don't have anything left since I smoked it all. Of course, he doesn't believe me and keeps going through my bag. He unzips the front pocket and I have a hard time suppressing a smile since I just remembered what was in there.

He pulls out a dvd I was supposed to have returned years ago, and some pencils from school along with old homework. My belly feels as if I'd eaten caterpillars and they've hatched into butterflies. I look down at the pavement and try to avoid eye contact so he can't see I'm about to burst out in laughter. The next thing I hear is, "What the fuh... JESUS CHRIST, BOY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!" I look up and, sure 'nuff, he's pulled out a used condom that's been in there for a year and a half with his bare hands. He goes on to call me a "nasty motherfucker" and a "perverted faggot."
For some reason, his duty to fuck me over was greater than his fear of finding whatever else a kid who keeps used condoms could possibly keep in a backpack. He goes on to tell the sheriff who had just pulled up that I was the sickest motherfucker he'd searched in his 6 years as a cop (Milton must be really boring). He goes on to ask me if I'd care to tell the sheriff why that is, and at this point I'm feeling a bit too comfortable with the situation and tell him he can "do the honors". When he tells the sheriff what he's found, I get a rancid look from the sheriff and he asks me what the hell is wrong with me? At this point, I'm still drunk/stoned from the party and feel like if I can make them laugh, I won't have to spend X-mas eve in jail. I look the sheriff in the eye and tell him "Mementos of good times, I guess."
Both pigs laugh and I start to feel lighter and like I might have a chance out of this. The cop who pulled us over starts writing my buddies a ticket for the uninsured car, and looks over at me and says, "I still don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with you." I use my charm spell and say "I just hope you and the missus have a merry Christmas."
I guess it worked, 'cause we got a ride to the gas station in his squad car and he told me that I'd made the top of his Top 10 Grossest Things he'd found during a search and that he hoped he never had the misfortune of seeing me again. We made it home by 7 am and I spent X-mas with my folks and little sister without them ever finding out.

Now that I think about it, it's not really a "stupid things cops say" type story. But still, I got a cop to touch one of my used condoms, and that's good enough for me lol

tl;dr: keep yer used condoms, boys.

using my first post to tell you this is hilarious, brightened my day haha

 

[Pirate66]

using my first post to tell you this is hilarious, brightened my day haha

lol glad you could get a chuckle out of it, dandy

 

[Pirate66]

I just remembered another one from when I was about 17-18.
At the town park in the middle of summer chillin', gettin' stoned and playing croquet with some friends. 3 of us decide to walk over to my friend's house to get water and snacks. Bicycle cop rides up and tells us a group of kids were reported to have been smoking hookah in the park's bathrooms. The conversation went as follows:

Cop1: So where's the hookah?
Us: That wasn't us. We're playing croquet with some friends on the other side of the park. We're going to get water and snacks.
Cop1: Okay, so your friends have the hookah?
Us: What? No, we're playing croquet.
Cop1: So who had the hookah?
Us: How should we know? We don't even know what you're talking about.

Other bicycle cop rides up:

Cop2: So where's the hookah, boys?
Me (thirsty and losing my patience): We don't know what you're talking about! We've been playing croquet for the last hour and a half!
Cop2: Alright... You boys have any dope on you?
Me: No. We don't have any dope on us.
Cop1: Well would you tell us if you did?
Me: Of course not!
Cop2: Alright.. Well you boys have a nice day. And stop smoking hookah in the park.
Me: We don't have a hookah!

Fucking cops don't listen to shit.

 

[Komjaunimas]

Well this is not a stupid thing "said" but stilll... found this in one multiflat building we were squatting.

 

[Komjaunimas]

[Background] Camden High Street (Camden Market, London) a massive punk/goth/alternative clothing, piercings etc shop/market/venue borough, also every shop sells bongs, pipes, grinders etc etc... if you have ££ you can become instant punk or whatever...the place is crawling with tourists from all over the world, from 12year old american kid with mohawk, to 50yrs old norwegian death metalhead etc...My girlfriend got a new grinder (still with price sticker) i took it from her hands to have a look just outside the shop and what do you know... two bobbies instantly present themselves.

Cops: Can i see it?
Me: What for?
Cops: if it has cannabis in it
Me: we just bought it in this store, im looking at it, dont be stupid...
Cops: Dont call us stupid, or else we"ll take you to the station... plus you know YOU LOOK SUSPICIOUS (check foto how i looked + the place is crawling with tourists looking way more "eccentric" than us)...
Me: You know that literally everyone in here looks suspicious to "normal" people
Cops: But you have a grinder in your hands...
Me: Because we just bought it, every shop sells em, why aren't ya stoping every one else? everyone buys papers,grinders, look here is a dude with a bong... i might be using the grinder for raw tobbaco.
Cops: Dont get smart with us .Do you mind if we search you?
Me: As a matter of fact i do, its plain stupidity. if you want, search me but im not doing anything myself...

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/73698_10200910538784324_970327159_n.jpg <-- thats how it looked, he just dug in my backpack...

his final words were... but you're going to buy weed than you'll get home!... i wanted to reply that im settled for the evening and not stupid enough to have weed with me in a hot spot like this, but didnt want to have a search in our squat...

One of them had a surname Cushion ...

 

[Wawa]

A few years ago I was sleeping in a small town park in MN with my touring bike and gear. Seemed pretty legit, being on a trail town with a lot of touring traffic and no restrictions posted at the park, so I just slept on a table instead of hiding. Thus, I was asleep on a picnic table at 2am when this super young kid of a cop wakes me up with his maglite 3 inches from my eyeballs.

Me: ungghghn....
Kiddie Cop: You know you can't be here.
Me: Sign doesn't say anything.
Kiddie Cop: We don't need to post the rules. You're responsible for knowing city ordinances.
Me: Not from here.
Kiddie Cop: What are you, some kind of vagrant?
Me: Travelling on bike.

All the sudden, Kiddie Cop gets kinda... angry/confused/anxious/concerned.

Kiddie Cop: Why don't you have a car?
Me: Because I'm traveling on bike... people do that....
Kiddie Cop: I'm worried about you not being in a hotel

Hotel....? This town might have some B&Bs or something, but really? Is this some kinda "Women alone" thing?" I'll take that from old men, but this guy looks 17.

After this, Kiddie Cop pretty much managed to ask these same questions, phrased slightly different, over and over, for 45 minutes with his maglite and his headlights in my eyes and both of us being eaten alive by mosquitoes. The adrenaline rush that came from being woken up suddenly faded, and I was really fucking awfully tired, so I'm standing there reeling and mumbling. He's getting all upset because he can't understand that people like to ride bikes places - somehow he's never noticed the paved trail through town or all the loaded bikes and guys in spandex eating in the cafe.

Finally he takes my ID, and tells me to stay put while he calls the police chief and 'figures out what to do with me'. I go back to my table and fall sleep. He wakes me up again, gives me my ID, tells me 'something urgent' came up, but he'll be back later to deal with me.

The next day I wait around until noon since he saw my ID and I can just see myself being charged with resisting arrest by leaving. Guy never shows, so I left. Pretty sure the police chief told him to fuck off and let me sleep. Not as dramatic as some stories, but it doesn't involve me being beaten or or threatened, and really I'm kinda okay with that.

 

[vdem1]

So I come from a pretty known family in my neck of the woods. All sold drugs and known for committing crimes so no wonder cops just had it out for me at a young age BUT I remember the first time I had the fucking ...pleasure..of meeting this one real piece of work named Cruz. I was 11 (yeah...ELEVEN), and this fucking pig comes up to me and says

pig: So, you're Valisa (last name)
me: Yes
pig: So that must mean, Richie (last name) is your uncle, which means Debbie (last name) is your mom. Right?
me: yeah
pig: oh okay, (points his fat stubby fucking finger at me) I'll be keeping my eye out on you. Let your mom know Cruz says hi.


what a dick. I was ELEVEN. wtf O.O

 

[vdem1]

OOOH I got another one. One time the cops raided our house looking for drugs. Mind you, our house was the KNOWN dope house but the fucking idiots didn't bring dogs (derp). Now we lived in the mountains, middle of fucking NOWHERE so their access to such things is incredibly limited.

My mom, being the tweaker that she was, was a hardcore packrat. I mean saved EVERYTHING. We had PILES of fucking boxes, newspapers. Lots of just..crap. They stepped inside the house and PLEADED with my mom, "Debbie, just tell us where the drugs are". mom, "I have no idea what you're talking about, I dont have any drugs". "debbie, we KNOW you have drugs here, just tell us where they are". "I don't have any drugs"

They were seriously BEGGING her to just tell her where she was hiding them hahahahaha. hilarious. the ONLY thing they got was her pipe (WEED, not speed) hahahah waaa waaa waaaaaa

 

[deleted user]

I was hitchin out of Toledo Ohio, on the on ramp, and a cop pull up and I ask "want me to take off here?" and he says "nope, I'm going to write you a ticket" and proceeds to IMMEDIATLY check me for needle marks on my arms. I'm like "I don't fucking do drugs" and hes like "well a majority of people like you do". I just play dumb from there on out, act. Like its my first time out, and he eventually give me a speech about life and how I should be working, etc etc. no ticket. But ya, fuck him for assuming I use, when I'm adamantly against it.

 

[autumn]

[database test]

 

[Dreaux]

In Santa Barbara, Cali, while getting a ticket for skateboarding, my road dog observes a yuppie skateboarding. Upon asking the cop why he's not pursuing him, among other 'clean' skateboarders, the cop replies 'because yuppies are allowed'

...no joke. This cop exposed the obvious war on the homeless...

 

[Dameon]

A while back, I had just barely walked into a town, and sat behind a tree to read a book since it was too early to busk. Also, there was a bowl of weed I wanted my lungs to meet. A feeling in my gut, and the cop eyeballing me a few minutes earlier, told me I'd better wait a few minutes.

Sure enough, I'm surrounded by five cops in under two minutes. Of course they wanted my ID. That's what they always want. Oh, and of course it's obviously rookie training day. I love beinf used as a blatant training exerxise for rookies. Seriously, this has happened to me a lot. I don't even have visible tatoos or piercings.

I also love telling rookies no when they ask for my ID. They're never sure how to respond. Unfortunately, he had four other cops getting his back, or whatever. I get to hear every idiotic police excuse for needing ID there is.

"We need to know who everybody is in this town."
"You look suspicious."
"We just need to ne sure you are who you say you are."
And, my favorite, seriously, "It's for your own protection."

But the crowning jewel, and I'm sorry this turned out so long for so little payoff, was when I was asked what I was doing there and told them I'd be playing music for tips, I was told it was soliciting, and told them it wasn't since I wasn't asking for money.

"Well, it's implied soliciting," she said. I didn't need to say anything, just watch the gears turn in her head and watch her realize how dumb that sounded.

In the end I let them run my ID bexause, fuck, they're cops, what're you going to do?

 

[Doobie_D]

Yeah I.feel ya.. had that shit happen many times and I prefer to push it out of my mind..

I feel stupid every time.. but when they roll up on me I'm generally quick on the draw and have.my ID out before I ever exchange words with them.

They tend to laugh and treat me with respect (as they disrespect me with the "you could be a murderer bit) but I've always had good luck.. like the good little peon I am

 

[Anagor]

Sorry for being off topic but just a question from a german guy ...
Here in Germany all adults are required to have an ID card (Personalausweis). But you are not required to have it with you. You only have to have one (maybe at home). If Police really wants to know who you are (for some reason) and you have no ID card with you then they will take you in to figure out your name and so on. So far so good.
But when it comes to the US wikipedia says: "There is no true national identity card in the United States of America, in the sense that there is no federal agency with nationwide jurisdiction that directly issues such cards to all American citizens for mandatory regular use."
And further: "Because it is so prevalent, the de facto official identification card for adults is the driver's license, which must be carried at all times when operating a vehicle in most states, and in most states must be presented to law enforcement officers upon request while one is driving a motor vehicle."
Okay, so far so good.
But when you don't drive a motor vehicle? I read allways here ... "ran my id" or alike ... what if you don't have an ID card with you?
Sorry if that sounds silly, I'm just courious ...

 

[Odin]

Sorry for being off topic but just a question from a german guy ...
Here in Germany all adults are required to have an ID card (Personalausweis). But you are not required to have it with you. You only have to have one (maybe at home). If Police really wants to know who you are (for some reason) and you have no ID card with you then they will take you in to figure out your name and so on. So far so good.
But when it comes to the US wikipedia says: "There is no true national identity card in the United States of America, in the sense that there is no federal agency with nationwide jurisdiction that directly issues such cards to all American citizens for mandatory regular use."
And further: "Because it is so prevalent, the de facto official identification card for adults is the driver's license, which must be carried at all times when operating a vehicle in most states, and in most states must be presented to law enforcement officers upon request while one is driving a motor vehicle."
Okay, so far so good.
But when you don't drive a motor vehicle? I read allways here ... "ran my id" or alike ... what if you don't have an ID card with you?
Sorry if that sounds silly, I'm just courious ...

Actually... good question...

 

[Kim Chee]

what if you don't have an ID card with you? Sorry if that sounds silly, I'm just courious ...

I should probably start a thread on this. I have a lot of experience in this area.

As for stupid things cops say?
I know they say some pretty stupid things at times, but it probably pales in comparison to the things they hear (sometimes while in conversation with other cops).

 

[Anagor]

I should probably start a thread on this. I have a lot of experience in this area.

Okay ... As said I'm just curious ... But you're right, it's off topic here

As for stupid things cops say?
I know they say some pretty stupid things at times, but it probably pales in comparison to the things they hear (sometimes while in conversation with other cops).

Can imagine that ...

 

[NocturnalJoe]

Was walking from Florence to Eugene, had a Oregon State trooper stop me, she got out of the car and first thing she said was " Sir you have not broke the law, and are not doing anything wrong. However I am worried about your safety." Of course she ran my name and everything, then asked if I had any food on me, and handed me a bag of chips, half a sandwich with a soda. Nice lady, but o.o

 

[jimivickery]

Not me but my buddies had cops ask them if they were oogles in richmond va 2 months ago

 

[Corinne]

''We still believe you're on something, it's just not enough to be illegal in the state of Tennessee.''
''Are you homeless?''