This one might be kinda long, but it's worth the read.
This was back when I was 17. I was at a X-mas party with some friends and I was getting a ride back with some buddies who live across the street from me, but first we had to drop off one of their friends who lives a good 30 minutes out of the way. We drop off their friend and by the time we head out again, it's 3 am and we're the only car on the road in Milton, GA (really suburban area). As fate would have it, there's a cop driving in the opposite direction and he of course pulls a U-ey and starts following us.
My stomach drops as I realize 2 out of the 3 of us are drunk and I have my bowl/grinder/empty jar I usually keep my pot in with me in my backpack. Of course, we get pulled over, and the cop runs our names along with my sober friend's license and the car's registration, blah blah blah. Turns out my friend's parents (whose car it was) hadn't re-insured it since moving down to GA from NY.
They call a tow truck and start taking inventory of everything in the car. Officer Pork-Rinds of course reaches the back seat and starts opening my backpack. I'm sweating like a pig (heh) and tell him it's mine and I'm gonna be taking it with me so there's no point in writing it on the inventory list. He gives me a really skeptical look and I know he can smell my goods. He keeps shining his light in the back of the car and routinely sniffing my bag.
He takes it out and looks over at me.
Cop: This bag yer's right?
Me: Yeah... it's mine.
Cop: I'm gonna need you to come back to my squad car and place yer hands on the hood.
I follow him to the squad car. He goes on to tell me that my bag smells like straight skunk and that's a cause for search. I know this and don't bother trying to finagle my way out since I know I'm lucky if I don't end up in jail. Plus it's X-mas eve and my folks can't afford to bail me out and bail=rent. Anyways, he goes through every nook and cranny of my bag and pulls out my bowl/grinder/jar. He tells me he knows I have weed since I obviously have everything else. I assure him I don't have anything left since I smoked it all. Of course, he doesn't believe me and keeps going through my bag. He unzips the front pocket and I have a hard time suppressing a smile since I just remembered what was in there.
He pulls out a dvd I was supposed to have returned years ago, and some pencils from school along with old homework. My belly feels as if I'd eaten caterpillars and they've hatched into butterflies. I look down at the pavement and try to avoid eye contact so he can't see I'm about to burst out in laughter. The next thing I hear is, "What the fuh... JESUS CHRIST, BOY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!" I look up and, sure 'nuff, he's pulled out a used condom that's been in there for a year and a half with his bare hands. He goes on to call me a "nasty motherfucker" and a "perverted faggot."
For some reason, his duty to fuck me over was greater than his fear of finding whatever else a kid who keeps used condoms could possibly keep in a backpack. He goes on to tell the sheriff who had just pulled up that I was the sickest motherfucker he'd searched in his 6 years as a cop (Milton must be really boring). He goes on to ask me if I'd care to tell the sheriff why that is, and at this point I'm feeling a bit too comfortable with the situation and tell him he can "do the honors". When he tells the sheriff what he's found, I get a rancid look from the sheriff and he asks me what the hell is wrong with me? At this point, I'm still drunk/stoned from the party and feel like if I can make them laugh, I won't have to spend X-mas eve in jail. I look the sheriff in the eye and tell him "Mementos of good times, I guess."
Both pigs laugh and I start to feel lighter and like I might have a chance out of this. The cop who pulled us over starts writing my buddies a ticket for the uninsured car, and looks over at me and says, "I still don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with you." I use my charm spell and say "I just hope you and the missus have a merry Christmas."
I guess it worked, 'cause we got a ride to the gas station in his squad car and he told me that I'd made the top of his Top 10 Grossest Things he'd found during a search and that he hoped he never had the misfortune of seeing me again. We made it home by 7 am and I spent X-mas with my folks and little sister without them ever finding out.
Now that I think about it, it's not really a "stupid things cops say" type story. But still, I got a cop to touch one of my used condoms, and that's good enough for me lol
tl;dr: keep yer used condoms, boys.
using my first post to tell you this is hilarious, brightened my day haha