Dealing with mental health and anger during 2020 (1 Viewer)

[Johny]

I been dealing with PTSD , extreme anxiety , depression and intermittent explosive disorder most my life wich results in some pretty extreme anti social behavior , awkward situations and loss of jobs and relationships .
For quite a few years I was like a " murder magnet " and everywhere I went I just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time .
For instance I was in vegas for the mass shooting , then at three different gas stations on north vegas Blvd i witnessed two shootings and a man beat to death with a claw hammer within a two week period , hopped out to salt lake city and was with a friend at a tire shop in Murray Utah stepped out back just in time to see a guy get shot twice in the head in his car slump over his stearing wheel and hit the accelerator plowing through on coming traffic causing a 6 car pile up with fatalities.
....so yeah I get pretty lost in my head with music.
I recently moved in with a girl had a kid and been having a hard time keeping a job because I "snap" , but have a Jackson guitar and a coworker relized I didnt have an amp and sold me a Marshall halfstack for $150 wich 2 weeks later I traded for a smaller 30 watt marshall practice amp and a 1993 gibson les paul studio .
Ive basically been occupying my mind by plating this les paul and trting to figure out guitar , otherwise my mind is a constant racing mess and stress overwhelmingly destroys my life.
I feel like the key for me was to keep moving and now that I'm not doing that I need something to completely focus on.
Oddly enough playing guitar and video games are help me focus my mind and keep my hands doing something.
Wich i never thought at 40 I would become a gamer but hey I'm not a constant angry troll under a bridge trting to drowned out rage with a vodka or wild turkey bottle anymore and I can actually walk through a walmart without watching everyone and being hyper vigilant and or paranoid everyone in the world is watching me.
Still sit facing the door back to the wall EVERYWHERE I go , and normally know all the exits when I'm inside , but not having reacurring nighmares and trouble sleep anymore .
I'm still extremely awkward in social situations , but can actually hold a conversation , its taken me 3 years to get where I actually dont mind talking to ppl I dont know and dont try to avoid human contact.

 

[JohnnyTW]

Such a great thread. Appreciate everyone's posts here. I've also struggled with looking for contentment or happiness in certain career paths or relationships, and never really had the guts to stick to any of it, or to stick to the lifestyle of permanent travel/itinerant worker that I've always dreamed of. I fucking hate working full time because I never have energy for anything else, I drink too much, I become impatient and resentful in relationships, and the projects I really want to work on go by the wayside while I make my boss and landlord rich. I thought that would change once I found the right career but eventually I realized it never will. What I truly love is making music, travelling and learning new things. Right now I'm working full time to pay off some debt and save for a small RV. I always wanted to change the world but I think have realized the gravity of creation and the idea of being able to change things seems incredibly naive. This universe is fucking mind blowing. DNA is powerful. Psychedelics really helped me to understand this. I realize that culture and technology evolves incrementally over time the same way that organisms do, and I hope that it bends towards justice and I will do what I can to play my part in that. I've realized my mental and physical limitations and so I will focus on what my abilities allow and try not to carry the weight of every injustice on my shoulders. I find I don't do well on my own, but also find it hard to meet new people--a catch 22 when it comes to travelling. So I have been trying to develop the mental resilience it takes to be on the road long term by myself. I think I have come a long way since my last bout of travelling, but now of course covid has struck and in the interim I was diagnosed with Crohn's which definitely makes travel much more difficult. My plan is to work through another Ontario winter and by the summer maybe head out west and get back to nature. I feel like my soul has been crushed and the things I loved about travelling and camping are out of my mental reach now. Maybe because of depression, work, pessimism, the political situation? I don't know. But I'm not willing to give up and die slowly working in some factory every day. I have to get it back and do the work I was really meant to do. Sorry if this was a little all over the place. Best of luck to everyone!

PS: I agree generally with the live today, die tomorrow sentiment. Lately it's been a question of whether to settle down permanently (the opportunity is there) and try to make a living building furniture, which is rewarding enough but not my passion, or to embrace the adventures I still want to have and to do work that I feel will be more beneficial (research on OCD, teaching, volunteering) to other humans. If that means I stay poor the rest of my life then so be it. I'd rather not die in a hospital bed.

 

[Buzzkill]

Pick some speakers from this list and lemme know which ones you want. Send me a DM with your contact/mailing instructions and I'll get them for you. Music is extremely important (at least to me) and I feel like it can help tremendously when you're struggling with mental health obstacles. I spend a lot of time online too and I just can't imagine not having sound, I feel for ya.

Thank you _so_ much!! I really appreciate your generosity!!

I'm so sorry I didn't find this message sooner! If you're still up for it, I would really love to have speakers! I tried to send you a DM with a link to one of the and now the forum software is mad at me, and says "Your content can not be submitted. This is likely because your content is spam-like or contains inappropriate elements. Please change your content or try again later. If you still have problems, please contact an administrator." I took the link out but I still get the message LOL I dunno what I did or what to do LOL. Maybe it doesn't like my address? I dunno! I guess I'll try again later? Thank you!!


P.S. How are we supposed to stay sane without music? Thanks!!

 

[Eng JR Lupo RV323]

Hecks yeah I'm still down. I'm on a road trip right now to Seattle. Should get there late tonight. I'll order it when I get settled in. Just copy the link to the item and past it here in this post, that should work. Or type the item name exactly as it is and I'll find it and get it on order. Then just DM me your shipping instructions.

 

[Coywolf]

For instance I was in vegas for the mass shooting , then at three different gas stations on north vegas Blvd i witnessed two shootings and a man beat to death with a claw hammer within a two week period , hopped out to salt lake city and was with a friend at a tire shop in Murray Utah stepped out back just in time to see a guy get shot twice in the head in his car slump over his stearing wheel and hit the accelerator plowing through on coming traffic causing a 6 car pile up with fatalities.

Jesus, man...that is an incredible amount of violence to experience.

Oddly enough playing guitar and video games are help me focus my mind and keep my hands doing something.

I feel this, playing music is a very positive influence in my life. It also plays into the faith system I am starting to follow, Druidry/Paganism, and the Bardic aspect was a huge draw to me.

Wich i never thought at 40 I would become a gamer but hey I'm not a constant angry troll under a bridge trting to drowned out rage with a vodka or wild turkey bottle anymore and I can actually walk through a walmart without watching everyone and being hyper vigilant and or paranoid everyone in the world is watching me.

Absolutely. I find myself becoming more angry/paranoid/anti social. Travelling has helped with with, every chance I get. I am forced to talk to people, and the more I do, the more I find positive experiences. It's almost as I have forgotten that people can ALSO be nice/friendly...the social media aspect of my life has skewed that perception. Keep reminding myself to just chill out, and not go down the paranoia spiral.

Hecks yeah I'm still down. I'm on a road trip right now to Seattle. Should get there late tonight. I'll order it when I get settled in. Just copy the link to the item and past it here in this post, that should work. Or type the item name exactly as it is and I'll find it and get it on order. Then just DM me your shipping instructions.

This is so awesome. Today's patron saint of travel, much?

 

[Buzzkill]

Hecks yeah I'm still down. I'm on a road trip right now to Seattle. Should get there late tonight. I'll order it when I get settled in. Just copy the link to the item and past it here in this post, that should work. Or type the item name exactly as it is and I'll find it and get it on order. Then just DM me your shipping instructions.

Thank you so much!!!! These look really awsome: Amazon.com: Logitech S150 USB Speakers with Digital Sound: Electronics - https://www.amazon.com/Logitech-S150-Speakers-Digital-Sound/dp/B000ZH98LU/ref=sr_1_23?dchild=1&keywords=computer+speakers&nav_sdd=aps&pd_rd_r=f465eaa9-e93f-4d62-b34c-1f02ab8b9283&pd_rd_w=kdUhy&pd_rd_wg=CHdoI&pf_rd_p=f8813af5-8d61-4988-b701-57bd7e498604&pf_rd_r=2T3BSK9ZQF1J8XSEVYGW&qid=1603273208&refinements=p_36%3A1253503011%2Cp_85%3A2470955011&rnid=2470954011&rps=1&s=electronics&sr=1-23 i hope that link works! Logitech S150 Thank you so much!!!!! Take care!!

 

[EphemeralStick]

My boss asked me a few weeks ago if I wanted to be a chef. Pretty typical question when you're working in a kitchen I suppose but that led the conversation to him just asking what it is that I'm working towards. The only answer I could give him was peace.

Maintaining my mental health has felt like walking a tight rope across a very large, very deep canyon lately; with just one small misstep I feel like I could fall into the pit and not be able to get my way back out.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by working during the pandemic I do the same thing you do; remind myself how fortunate I am that I still have something. Though personally, that sentiment usually makes me feel worse. Then, when I'm feeling low, I isolate myself from everyone I care about.

I feel that I live two lives.

I've been feeling this way for months now, however I feel like one of my lives is starting to slip away. The people I work with and the new friends I've made, they only see me as the hardworking, polite and sober Andie. I often forget how weird my life sounds to some people and that makes it hard for me to open up or relate to them. I don't know why but they see me as fragile in their world, like because of my struggles I can't handle regular stress.

On the opposite side of the coin, they've never seen the badass, take care of everyone, drive you wherever you need to go, nomad Andie. The one that most people who've met me on here are familiar with. That's the version of me that feels like it's slipping away.

Now before anyone chimes in and tells me to quit my job, I'm actually working towards something. I have goals in mind and a life that I envision myself with, the unfortunate reality is that I need money to do that. So while I would love to get back on the road, now just isn't the time.

That said, I am looking for new work now. I'm tired of working in the restaurant industry during this pandemic. I'm tired of the stress and dealing with people. I know that I have a strong work ethic and skills that I can take to pretty much any job. I need to get back to working with nature. In a nursery, maybe janitorial for the museums, heck I'm half tempted to make a craigslist ad offering my services as a freelance gardener.

I guess that's my best advice. Keep working and doing the things you do, but change the work that you're doing. I know I'll never be the person who has the cake and eats it too, so I'll just have to keep making small adjustments to my life to get me to the place I'm trying to get to.

 

[Coywolf]

I guess that's my best advice. Keep working and doing the things you do, but change the work that you're doing. I know I'll never be the person who has the cake and eats it too, so I'll just have to keep making small adjustments to my life to get me to the place I'm trying to get to.

I like it. Thank you for the response, I relate to alot of the same issues.

The whole 'change the work you are doing' really stuck with me...this is the first time in a while where I havent absolutely LOVED my job, and I realized that was the only thing that was keeping me working...at all. Now I just dont want to, but know that I am too, also working towards something, and that I have to.

I am applying for new positions on the daily, and I know I will find something I love to do again soon....I might switch fields though...go into firefighting or maintenance or something...somewhere where you are not In the public limelight, and its alot easier to balance my '2 lives' than having to be clean cut, PC, government official talking to people in a box.

The people I work with and the new friends I've made, they only see me as the hardworking, polite and sober Andie. I often forget how weird my life sounds to some people and that makes it hard for me to open up or relate to them.

Precisely! I opened up to a couple people in my last job of what I do when I'm not at work.

One was cool, but the others were like A: I never would have seen you doing that, and B: your fucking insane....lol It does make it EXTREMELY hard to relate to anyone.

All they want to do is talk about how well their stocks are doing, their families, or what house they wanna buy....and I'm sitting over in the corner like, 'who ARE these people?!?!'

On the opposite side of the coin, they've never seen the badass, take care of everyone, drive you wherever you need to go, nomad Andie. The one that most people who've met me on here are familiar with. That's the version of me that feels like it's slipping away.

See, I feel like I am becoming the opposite of those right now. I'm at a pivotal point of either diving headfirst into my career, and completely forgetting this lifestyle...or completely diving into this lifestyle and forgetting (or suspending) my career.

I feel like the career side is slipping away, and I want more time out of my Van/Backpack....the whole 'you sure you are making the right decision...?' Thing STILL keeps my up at night...and I havent been able to figure it out...for YEARS now.

...its getting hella annoying. Kinda like that adjective.

I've been kinda diving back into my pagan studies/philosophies, and this has been helping me in my decisions...making decisions for myself that are larger than myself, can help me help others/the planet/ecosystem ect....that has been helping with the whole, 'one decision isint the end of the world' mantra.

I dunno. This whole topic is a giant mindfuck...everytime it gets brought up.

 

[Ameris]

#1: Remember you are a slavce.

#2: Remember our people were genocided between the late 1500's & early 200's.

#3: Remember you live under conditions as a continuing product of those genocides & ecocides.

#4: RTemember you are not free.

#5: Your freedom, if it cannot be defined in actions you are actually able to implement is perhaps primarily defined by your hate & anger, as well as your love.
DSo not condemn yourself for walking on what may be a trail of tears, or escorted to labor camps, or (if they could) gas chambers for your kind, when you are forced to march with guns trained upon your head.

6: Do not damn yourself because what you are able to do as a slave is insufficient, because you still understand & strive towards what you would do, if you were free.

7: In times of duress we see the rquirements of greater duty. Shall you be the Buddah, or the Christ or Leonidas?
You would be, if you could.

We have already seen the insanity of one man tryingf to drive that kind of power home.

If it is not given to you, to the extent that you must clearly die for it, then simply use what you are given to do the good which is apparent to you.

Frankly, the sin of the world is so great that if punishment & war & fighting & conflict are able to cure it, there shall be little more than a handfull of us left.

& perhaps that is how ity should be, if whjat we have is the best we can do.

Love & simplicity & kindness are all single, individual intentions..

If somne sort of agreement must be reached, then the threshold for conflict is set.

therefore:

# 8: Let what you do be enough for you.
Do not deny perfection, but neither assume to know what it is.

We do not have the freedom to be insanely good.

We are damned, essentially, to trying to keep some kind of balance; some sort of equation between what we can give to what is actually needed, what harms ourselves, and what is given as a gamble towards needs which may be insincerely expressed to us.

Lies suck, but even worse is trying to figure the fuckers out.
So.. Leonidas may be fucking right.

Anyways..

#9: Shit is fucked up.
"And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul."

so.. #10,
Desiderata - Wikipedia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata

Read it.

 

[EphemeralStick]

I'm at a pivotal point of either diving headfirst into my career, and completely forgetting this lifestyle...or completely diving into this lifestyle and forgetting (or suspending) my career.

Yea, I was at that point back in September of 2019. Just lost my job growing weed, had to figure out something on the fly. I could either settle down and work on saving money to get myself a life that was my own or continue to float around in my van, working/living in places that were dependent on other people's situations.

I chose to stay in New Orleans to try and buckle down and make something of myself. I dove head first not necessarily into a career, but definitely into the normal life.

Part of me feels like I'm in this weird limbo of being too nomad to fit in with the normies but now also too normie to fit in with the nomads. Did I make the right choice? Who knows. Either way I ended up alone.

This whole topic is a giant mindfuck...everytime it gets brought up

Yeaaaa that it is. Though it might sound weird I'm glad you brought it up. These thoughts have been weighing on my mind for quite some time. Feels nice to get em out.

 

[Beegod Santana]

Twice now I've walked away from niche industries that are hard to crack, the festival industry and the norcal medical scene. Both times I knew I was gonna be walking away for over a year and did nothing but fret about it. Once the time actually came however, I'd gotten to the point where leaving seemed like the only logical thing to do.
With both jobs I felt the double life for a while, even on pot farms you can get labeled that crazy traveler person. What really scarred me was when I got so engrossed in those jobs I realized I was becoming nothing but those jobs. In festy land I was becoming your stereotypical coked out stage hand who was always pissed off and slept 10hrs a week. In Humboldt I lived weed from the second I opened my eyes till I went to sleep, everyday, maybe going to town once a month. I never worked on art or music out there, just weed. On the rare occasions I'd go visit people in town I'd piss them off, cause all I'd talk about was weed.

With both jobs there was finally a country song style drunken blow out with my bosses where I told them to suck it and walked away. Both jobs called me the next morning asking when I was gonna calm down and come back to work and both times I got those calls I just laughed. I couldn't possibly fathom going back and didn't care what my next move was.

These days I farm for myself. I make a lot less $ and don't get to have rockstar moments nearly as often but my stress levels are a 10th of what they used to be. I've managed to turn a few of my hobbies into side hustles, have time to gig and no longer shit a brick every time I hear a helicopter. I really don't know if I'll be doing this in 10yrs but hey, that's life.

So basically, I know it's hard, but remember careers and jobs come and go and you can do everything right and still get fucked royally. You have your whole life to work a cash register and honestly I'd rather do it as old man than in my 30's.