Dealing with mental health and anger during 2020 (1 Viewer)

Johny

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I been dealing with PTSD , extreme anxiety , depression and intermittent explosive disorder most my life wich results in some pretty extreme anti social behavior , awkward situations and loss of jobs and relationships .
For quite a few years I was like a " murder magnet " and everywhere I went I just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time .
For instance I was in vegas for the mass shooting , then at three different gas stations on north vegas Blvd i witnessed two shootings and a man beat to death with a claw hammer within a two week period , hopped out to salt lake city and was with a friend at a tire shop in Murray Utah stepped out back just in time to see a guy get shot twice in the head in his car slump over his stearing wheel and hit the accelerator plowing through on coming traffic causing a 6 car pile up with fatalities.
....so yeah I get pretty lost in my head with music.
I recently moved in with a girl had a kid and been having a hard time keeping a job because I "snap" , but have a Jackson guitar and a coworker relized I didnt have an amp and sold me a Marshall halfstack for $150 wich 2 weeks later I traded for a smaller 30 watt marshall practice amp and a 1993 gibson les paul studio .
Ive basically been occupying my mind by plating this les paul and trting to figure out guitar , otherwise my mind is a constant racing mess and stress overwhelmingly destroys my life.
I feel like the key for me was to keep moving and now that I'm not doing that I need something to completely focus on.
Oddly enough playing guitar and video games are help me focus my mind and keep my hands doing something.
Wich i never thought at 40 I would become a gamer but hey I'm not a constant angry troll under a bridge trting to drowned out rage with a vodka or wild turkey bottle anymore and I can actually walk through a walmart without watching everyone and being hyper vigilant and or paranoid everyone in the world is watching me.
Still sit facing the door back to the wall EVERYWHERE I go , and normally know all the exits when I'm inside , but not having reacurring nighmares and trouble sleep anymore .
I'm still extremely awkward in social situations , but can actually hold a conversation , its taken me 3 years to get where I actually dont mind talking to ppl I dont know and dont try to avoid human contact.
 
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JohnnyTW

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Such a great thread. Appreciate everyone's posts here. I've also struggled with looking for contentment or happiness in certain career paths or relationships, and never really had the guts to stick to any of it, or to stick to the lifestyle of permanent travel/itinerant worker that I've always dreamed of. I fucking hate working full time because I never have energy for anything else, I drink too much, I become impatient and resentful in relationships, and the projects I really want to work on go by the wayside while I make my boss and landlord rich. I thought that would change once I found the right career but eventually I realized it never will. What I truly love is making music, travelling and learning new things. Right now I'm working full time to pay off some debt and save for a small RV. I always wanted to change the world but I think have realized the gravity of creation and the idea of being able to change things seems incredibly naive. This universe is fucking mind blowing. DNA is powerful. Psychedelics really helped me to understand this. I realize that culture and technology evolves incrementally over time the same way that organisms do, and I hope that it bends towards justice and I will do what I can to play my part in that. I've realized my mental and physical limitations and so I will focus on what my abilities allow and try not to carry the weight of every injustice on my shoulders. I find I don't do well on my own, but also find it hard to meet new people--a catch 22 when it comes to travelling. So I have been trying to develop the mental resilience it takes to be on the road long term by myself. I think I have come a long way since my last bout of travelling, but now of course covid has struck and in the interim I was diagnosed with Crohn's which definitely makes travel much more difficult. My plan is to work through another Ontario winter and by the summer maybe head out west and get back to nature. I feel like my soul has been crushed and the things I loved about travelling and camping are out of my mental reach now. Maybe because of depression, work, pessimism, the political situation? I don't know. But I'm not willing to give up and die slowly working in some factory every day. I have to get it back and do the work I was really meant to do. Sorry if this was a little all over the place. Best of luck to everyone!

PS: I agree generally with the live today, die tomorrow sentiment. Lately it's been a question of whether to settle down permanently (the opportunity is there) and try to make a living building furniture, which is rewarding enough but not my passion, or to embrace the adventures I still want to have and to do work that I feel will be more beneficial (research on OCD, teaching, volunteering) to other humans. If that means I stay poor the rest of my life then so be it. I'd rather not die in a hospital bed.
 
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Buzzkill

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Pick some speakers from this list and lemme know which ones you want. Send me a DM with your contact/mailing instructions and I'll get them for you. Music is extremely important (at least to me) and I feel like it can help tremendously when you're struggling with mental health obstacles. I spend a lot of time online too and I just can't imagine not having sound, I feel for ya.

Thank you _so_ much!! I really appreciate your generosity!!

I'm so sorry I didn't find this message sooner! If you're still up for it, I would really love to have speakers! I tried to send you a DM with a link to one of the and now the forum software is mad at me, and says "Your content can not be submitted. This is likely because your content is spam-like or contains inappropriate elements. Please change your content or try again later. If you still have problems, please contact an administrator." I took the link out but I still get the message LOL I dunno what I did or what to do LOL. Maybe it doesn't like my address? I dunno! I guess I'll try again later? Thank you!! :)


P.S. How are we supposed to stay sane without music? ;) Thanks!!
 

Eng JR Lupo RV323

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Hecks yeah I'm still down. I'm on a road trip right now to Seattle. Should get there late tonight. I'll order it when I get settled in. Just copy the link to the item and past it here in this post, that should work. Or type the item name exactly as it is and I'll find it and get it on order. Then just DM me your shipping instructions.
 

Coywolf

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For instance I was in vegas for the mass shooting , then at three different gas stations on north vegas Blvd i witnessed two shootings and a man beat to death with a claw hammer within a two week period , hopped out to salt lake city and was with a friend at a tire shop in Murray Utah stepped out back just in time to see a guy get shot twice in the head in his car slump over his stearing wheel and hit the accelerator plowing through on coming traffic causing a 6 car pile up with fatalities.

Jesus, man...that is an incredible amount of violence to experience.

Oddly enough playing guitar and video games are help me focus my mind and keep my hands doing something.

I feel this, playing music is a very positive influence in my life. It also plays into the faith system I am starting to follow, Druidry/Paganism, and the Bardic aspect was a huge draw to me.

Wich i never thought at 40 I would become a gamer but hey I'm not a constant angry troll under a bridge trting to drowned out rage with a vodka or wild turkey bottle anymore and I can actually walk through a walmart without watching everyone and being hyper vigilant and or paranoid everyone in the world is watching me.

Absolutely. I find myself becoming more angry/paranoid/anti social. Travelling has helped with with, every chance I get. I am forced to talk to people, and the more I do, the more I find positive experiences. It's almost as I have forgotten that people can ALSO be nice/friendly...the social media aspect of my life has skewed that perception. Keep reminding myself to just chill out, and not go down the paranoia spiral.

Hecks yeah I'm still down. I'm on a road trip right now to Seattle. Should get there late tonight. I'll order it when I get settled in. Just copy the link to the item and past it here in this post, that should work. Or type the item name exactly as it is and I'll find it and get it on order. Then just DM me your shipping instructions.

This is so awesome. Today's patron saint of travel, much?
 

Buzzkill

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Hecks yeah I'm still down. I'm on a road trip right now to Seattle. Should get there late tonight. I'll order it when I get settled in. Just copy the link to the item and past it here in this post, that should work. Or type the item name exactly as it is and I'll find it and get it on order. Then just DM me your shipping instructions.
Thank you so much!!!! :) :) These look really awsome: Amazon.com: Logitech S150 USB Speakers with Digital Sound: Electronics - https://www.amazon.com/Logitech-S150-Speakers-Digital-Sound/dp/B000ZH98LU/ref=sr_1_23?dchild=1&keywords=computer+speakers&nav_sdd=aps&pd_rd_r=f465eaa9-e93f-4d62-b34c-1f02ab8b9283&pd_rd_w=kdUhy&pd_rd_wg=CHdoI&pf_rd_p=f8813af5-8d61-4988-b701-57bd7e498604&pf_rd_r=2T3BSK9ZQF1J8XSEVYGW&qid=1603273208&refinements=p_36%3A1253503011%2Cp_85%3A2470955011&rnid=2470954011&rps=1&s=electronics&sr=1-23 i hope that link works! :) Logitech S150 :) Thank you so much!!!!! :) Take care!! :)
 

EphemeralStick

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My boss asked me a few weeks ago if I wanted to be a chef. Pretty typical question when you're working in a kitchen I suppose but that led the conversation to him just asking what it is that I'm working towards. The only answer I could give him was peace.

Maintaining my mental health has felt like walking a tight rope across a very large, very deep canyon lately; with just one small misstep I feel like I could fall into the pit and not be able to get my way back out.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by working during the pandemic I do the same thing you do; remind myself how fortunate I am that I still have something. Though personally, that sentiment usually makes me feel worse. Then, when I'm feeling low, I isolate myself from everyone I care about.

I feel that I live two lives.

I've been feeling this way for months now, however I feel like one of my lives is starting to slip away. The people I work with and the new friends I've made, they only see me as the hardworking, polite and sober Andie. I often forget how weird my life sounds to some people and that makes it hard for me to open up or relate to them. I don't know why but they see me as fragile in their world, like because of my struggles I can't handle regular stress.

On the opposite side of the coin, they've never seen the badass, take care of everyone, drive you wherever you need to go, nomad Andie. The one that most people who've met me on here are familiar with. That's the version of me that feels like it's slipping away.

Now before anyone chimes in and tells me to quit my job, I'm actually working towards something. I have goals in mind and a life that I envision myself with, the unfortunate reality is that I need money to do that. So while I would love to get back on the road, now just isn't the time.

That said, I am looking for new work now. I'm tired of working in the restaurant industry during this pandemic. I'm tired of the stress and dealing with people. I know that I have a strong work ethic and skills that I can take to pretty much any job. I need to get back to working with nature. In a nursery, maybe janitorial for the museums, heck I'm half tempted to make a craigslist ad offering my services as a freelance gardener.

I guess that's my best advice. Keep working and doing the things you do, but change the work that you're doing. I know I'll never be the person who has the cake and eats it too, so I'll just have to keep making small adjustments to my life to get me to the place I'm trying to get to.
 

Coywolf

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I guess that's my best advice. Keep working and doing the things you do, but change the work that you're doing. I know I'll never be the person who has the cake and eats it too, so I'll just have to keep making small adjustments to my life to get me to the place I'm trying to get to.

I like it. Thank you for the response, I relate to alot of the same issues.

The whole 'change the work you are doing' really stuck with me...this is the first time in a while where I havent absolutely LOVED my job, and I realized that was the only thing that was keeping me working...at all. Now I just dont want to, but know that I am too, also working towards something, and that I have to.

I am applying for new positions on the daily, and I know I will find something I love to do again soon....I might switch fields though...go into firefighting or maintenance or something...somewhere where you are not In the public limelight, and its alot easier to balance my '2 lives' than having to be clean cut, PC, government official talking to people in a box.

The people I work with and the new friends I've made, they only see me as the hardworking, polite and sober Andie. I often forget how weird my life sounds to some people and that makes it hard for me to open up or relate to them.

Precisely! I opened up to a couple people in my last job of what I do when I'm not at work.

One was cool, but the others were like A: I never would have seen you doing that, and B: your fucking insane....lol It does make it EXTREMELY hard to relate to anyone.

All they want to do is talk about how well their stocks are doing, their families, or what house they wanna buy....and I'm sitting over in the corner like, 'who ARE these people?!?!'

On the opposite side of the coin, they've never seen the badass, take care of everyone, drive you wherever you need to go, nomad Andie. The one that most people who've met me on here are familiar with. That's the version of me that feels like it's slipping away.


See, I feel like I am becoming the opposite of those right now. I'm at a pivotal point of either diving headfirst into my career, and completely forgetting this lifestyle...or completely diving into this lifestyle and forgetting (or suspending) my career.

I feel like the career side is slipping away, and I want more time out of my Van/Backpack....the whole 'you sure you are making the right decision...?' Thing STILL keeps my up at night...and I havent been able to figure it out...for YEARS now.

...its getting hella annoying. Kinda like that adjective.

I've been kinda diving back into my pagan studies/philosophies, and this has been helping me in my decisions...making decisions for myself that are larger than myself, can help me help others/the planet/ecosystem ect....that has been helping with the whole, 'one decision isint the end of the world' mantra.

I dunno. This whole topic is a giant mindfuck...everytime it gets brought up.
 

Ameris

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#1: Remember you are a slavce.

#2: Remember our people were genocided between the late 1500's & early 200's.

#3: Remember you live under conditions as a continuing product of those genocides & ecocides.

#4: RTemember you are not free.

#5: Your freedom, if it cannot be defined in actions you are actually able to implement is perhaps primarily defined by your hate & anger, as well as your love.
DSo not condemn yourself for walking on what may be a trail of tears, or escorted to labor camps, or (if they could) gas chambers for your kind, when you are forced to march with guns trained upon your head.

6: Do not damn yourself because what you are able to do as a slave is insufficient, because you still understand & strive towards what you would do, if you were free.

7: In times of duress we see the rquirements of greater duty. Shall you be the Buddah, or the Christ or Leonidas?
You would be, if you could.

We have already seen the insanity of one man tryingf to drive that kind of power home.

If it is not given to you, to the extent that you must clearly die for it, then simply use what you are given to do the good which is apparent to you.

Frankly, the sin of the world is so great that if punishment & war & fighting & conflict are able to cure it, there shall be little more than a handfull of us left.

& perhaps that is how ity should be, if whjat we have is the best we can do.

Love & simplicity & kindness are all single, individual intentions..

If somne sort of agreement must be reached, then the threshold for conflict is set.

therefore:

# 8: Let what you do be enough for you.
Do not deny perfection, but neither assume to know what it is.

We do not have the freedom to be insanely good.

We are damned, essentially, to trying to keep some kind of balance; some sort of equation between what we can give to what is actually needed, what harms ourselves, and what is given as a gamble towards needs which may be insincerely expressed to us.

Lies suck, but even worse is trying to figure the fuckers out.
So.. Leonidas may be fucking right.

Anyways..

#9: Shit is fucked up.
"And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul."


so.. #10,
Desiderata - Wikipedia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata

Read it.
 

EphemeralStick

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I'm at a pivotal point of either diving headfirst into my career, and completely forgetting this lifestyle...or completely diving into this lifestyle and forgetting (or suspending) my career.
Yea, I was at that point back in September of 2019. Just lost my job growing weed, had to figure out something on the fly. I could either settle down and work on saving money to get myself a life that was my own or continue to float around in my van, working/living in places that were dependent on other people's situations.

I chose to stay in New Orleans to try and buckle down and make something of myself. I dove head first not necessarily into a career, but definitely into the normal life.

Part of me feels like I'm in this weird limbo of being too nomad to fit in with the normies but now also too normie to fit in with the nomads. Did I make the right choice? Who knows. Either way I ended up alone.
This whole topic is a giant mindfuck...everytime it gets brought up
Yeaaaa that it is. Though it might sound weird I'm glad you brought it up. These thoughts have been weighing on my mind for quite some time. Feels nice to get em out.
 
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Twice now I've walked away from niche industries that are hard to crack, the festival industry and the norcal medical scene. Both times I knew I was gonna be walking away for over a year and did nothing but fret about it. Once the time actually came however, I'd gotten to the point where leaving seemed like the only logical thing to do.
With both jobs I felt the double life for a while, even on pot farms you can get labeled that crazy traveler person. What really scarred me was when I got so engrossed in those jobs I realized I was becoming nothing but those jobs. In festy land I was becoming your stereotypical coked out stage hand who was always pissed off and slept 10hrs a week. In Humboldt I lived weed from the second I opened my eyes till I went to sleep, everyday, maybe going to town once a month. I never worked on art or music out there, just weed. On the rare occasions I'd go visit people in town I'd piss them off, cause all I'd talk about was weed.

With both jobs there was finally a country song style drunken blow out with my bosses where I told them to suck it and walked away. Both jobs called me the next morning asking when I was gonna calm down and come back to work and both times I got those calls I just laughed. I couldn't possibly fathom going back and didn't care what my next move was.

These days I farm for myself. I make a lot less $ and don't get to have rockstar moments nearly as often but my stress levels are a 10th of what they used to be. I've managed to turn a few of my hobbies into side hustles, have time to gig and no longer shit a brick every time I hear a helicopter. I really don't know if I'll be doing this in 10yrs but hey, that's life.

So basically, I know it's hard, but remember careers and jobs come and go and you can do everything right and still get fucked royally. You have your whole life to work a cash register and honestly I'd rather do it as old man than in my 30's.
 

lizZygypsy311

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Don't have much to add except that I've been reading through this thread & have found a wealth of information and comfort in everyone's perspectives. I'm glad you started this thread Coywolf. I'm not joking or being sarcastic when I say that reading these responses are better than some self help podcasts I've listened to. Not to go off on a tangent but a lot of "self help" media is geared towards making you a more "efficient" or productive worker drone as so you can live a cookie cutter life -one size fits all...to hell with that noise. Coywolf, I don't know you, and I definitely don't want to put words in your mouth but you sound like you know exactly what you want to do but you're still asking yourself permission. In my opinion, my own feelings as of late- the ratio of uncertainty with society is matched with my personal uncertainty and it's suffocating, if that makes any sense. It's like "why look at a calendar when everyday is the same ?" And how I try to shake out of that is by making plans. Some plans may be obtainable, some may not. I'm planning on hiking the Appalachian Trail. I'm the kind of person that has to have a carrot on the end of a stick and more often than not that carrot is freedom and not material goods. I'm working a crappy warehouse job at the moment and have worked my fair share of crappy jobs and as soon as I take on a job, as soon as I get hired I'm thinking "okay, what am I'm trying to achieve...a big or bigger tv every couple of years ?, upgrade my phone ? a new car ? -that I'll drive (collectively) maybe 3 hours a week but will pay four to five years on ? ,etc. .etc." A couple of months back I landed a job at a meat processing plant that specialized in pepperoni and I did an interview with this guy who was nice enough, and we conversed back and forth and he was forthright with me in confessing that the company had just recently gotten rid of some toxic employees and he said something that I agreed with but only because it was sadly true, he said "it's important to get along with your co-workers because we spend more time with them than our families." That's very true...and that's very screwed up to say the least. I lasted two days at that job, not because of that man's philosophy that I reluctantly agreed with but because sliding around on a bloody floor all day and spending the last two hours of an already grueling day cleaning equipment started killing my soul quicker than I'd guess. Now I run a forklift and load soaps & scented candles on and off of trucks, sometimes working the line. Glamorous ! But I'm working for the trail. More money, more miles.

Again, I just want to reiterate, how appreciative I am of this thread and all the responses. Shit is sideways right now to say the least and my hat goes off to everyone grinding it out. I'm gonna bounce before I get too sappy, lol. Toodles, safe travels, and I sincerely wish you the best because I'm a big fan of anyone who realizes , what's that Jiddu Krishnamurti quote ? - "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
Krishnamurti, that fucker, he stole my life 😝
 

lizZygypsy311

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Hey, I'm going through something similar. Not quite the same, but basically - I'm trying to do what I have to do get housed up and stay that way awhile, for financial reasons, and also for my long term survival in terms of a medical condition I struggle with. My mental health is deterioating badly for in a large part, the same reasons. Its killing me. I spent part of the summer suicidal. And similarly, I told myself for years stay cool and follow the path - once you actually get a "permanent" housing situation, it'll be worth it, you'll have a chance - this shit will clear up, it'll b e ok. Get out of the shit your in, that will solve that, it will be over.
Yeah - exact problem you mentioned. That's not what happened. the shit didn't end, this didn't solve things, was not the turning point it was supposed to be

I feel you. I think we come from different pasts though

I was taught Edward Abbey "Sentiment without action is ruination of the soul"

I am, if nothing else, a devout social justice person, and activist
That being said, I've had to put that down for a few years, especially where I now live, which is "safer" for a "disabled" person

I spent most of the past three years offline. I got ahold of a used computer and an internet connection last week, and have spent pretty much every waking minute online. Some of that was catching up on personal business, important, som eofit financial, etc But i find most of my time reading alternative media and on forums with like minded peers, people who travel, free spirits, poor people from disadvantage, and people who give a fuck, and rebels. People who assert there independence and stand up, one way or another... personally, or socially. Also, people who love the outdoors and living close to nature, sustainably, naturally, humanely, wildly, honestly. etc. healthfully

I dont even have any computer system speaker or anything so am greatly missing audio (and video becomes mostly useless)

I knew I would b e tempted to spend too much time. I tried to reign it in. I know me, i was worried i would lose 72 hours straight. Its been 5 days. the third day, all I stopped to eat was 2 eggs and water......

i worry what's going on with me. I think, i'm compulsive in a b ad way or something. Am i addicted?

but today, the fifth day - I'm smiling. Alot. I dont remember smiling like this in years. I'm happy.....

its sad what i've deterioated to, b ut its no surprise someone what I've b een through

I'm not a sell out. But I'm trying to learn to do what I have to do as an individual with severe medical problems in the US, without family support or significant financial resources. I'm trying to learn be an adult, a citizen. Fight for a legal, just system - and find my own place, and justice recipient in it. Navigate the heinous structure we have inherited. Good luck!


For me, I was taught - a spiritual solution. A spiritual perspective. I try and bring myself b ack to this. I want to study more. One of the graces of internet access is i can find spiritual teachers and teachings. This is wonderful for me

I try and find my role in the situation. I talk, think, study what others say. The political situation is heinous.

One thing that helped me a few years b ack, when i still had internet, a man who had gone to seminary and become a minister, and then gone on (missionary?) work in the farthest reaches of canada in native reservations, only to finally face coming out as gay - and be ex-communicated, he taught me that in early Christian times in the roman empire - Romans would often throw unwanted babies from unwanted pregnancies into the dump, still alive..

(modern people occasionally do this too, and sometimes get caught, but rampant then..)

Early Christians would go to the dump and rescue these children and take them in and raise them.

Pretty soon most Romans were talking shit ab out them

They said, and spread vast rumors that these Christians were eating the babies, and commiting cannibalism.

Then they said they were raping the babies, and keeping the children for sex slavery.

And amongst all the heinous persecution in those times, the Christians kept going to the dump and rescuing babies, and taken them in and providing and caring for them.

This really helped me. a perspective. What people went through in history, compared to now - and all the lies that the historical problems are solved, and (as Candide) We live in the best of all possible worlds, with the best governments in history, the best democracy ever, etc. etc. etc.

What can we expect of life? a levittown house, 4 door cadillac family mobile? leave it to beaver nuclear family? no, that is lies, propaganda and bbullshit

I hear "Rewild or die" and I give credit to it. But, i belive in "The Rule Of Law, and Not Of Men"

without law, and a legal system, legislation, courts, a justice system, it becomes gangster - individual persons then "make right" and determine "power. " it becomes a game of power and strong man, then bully, and warlord. Only by uniting all the "little guys" and using that power of Unity, can w e counter the power of bully, mob leader, gangster and warlord, etc. And we have to organize that power to keep it safe and make it work. The way to do that is law - I believe in the Rule of Law, and not of Men.

So i try to learn my place in that. We have to have a social SYSTEM. I am responsible for informing and educating myself how to make it work properly, care for it, take share. Informing myself appropriately, being knowledgable. Basic citizenship. Then what else can I do to care for it? the social system we NEED to not live as oppressed persons and slaves, from bully and warlord.

I taught myself survival and preparedness, I study sustainability, TRUE sustainability. I study health

and I know i need support. Worse then being alone perhaps, is being surrounded by toxic people. selfish people, irrseponsible, who dont care. I am surrounded :(

People are pack animals - not just to hunt, live together and defend our housing and crops, and resource - but our minds are that way as well. "The Socioligical Mirror" We do not KNOW ourselves from our own perspective - we cannot perceive ourselves from our own mind, just as we cannot see our own face - without a mirror. We know ourselves from the REACTIONS of the people around us - their expressed perspectives. Our self -esteem, self - confidence, everything - comes from THAT. Social EXPERIENCE.

We NEED socializing. and positive. That's SURVIVAL

Humans who were ticking off or constantly disappointing or otherwise not social functing with the group, did not survive.
This is evolution - how our brains evolved
Those who survived - collaborated successfully with a group of humans - and got postive reinforcement as a result. So, we are wired to check for it - and adapt to it - to survive.

So - our individual survival, and health, not just Physical, but MENTAL, depends completely on the survival of our fellow humans - our group, pack. If the people arround us are all dying, we die too. If they are all phsycially ill, we become physically ill too. If they are mentally unfit or unhealthy, we become unhealthy too. We are not completely individual, and cannot be. We are group creatures, not just in function and interaction, but in our very selves - in our minds. We cannot exist in our minds, without others.

A psychologist once snapped at me "have me show you the most mentally unhealthy person, and I will show you the hermit"

It's true. I love nature and quiet and peace. I have severe PTSD and trauma, i prefer it to the company of most humans, most of the time. I would be a great candidate for a job like yours. Its good for people like me, who would rather just sit and drink nature and commune all weekend, than go to a city.... i can't stand bars or coffee shops or the like anymore. I've had it...

but I've learned my lesson camping by myself off where its free and "safer", away from town. extended periods - i get lonely, i need someone to talk to. One time for 6 months, camping alone i had no internet access ever. that was hardest on the isolation, and wore on my mental health and stress. Nothing helps stress, like good socializing! Its well known. I decided i would make the most of my social interactions. When I had to make a monthly phone call to pay a b ill, I would pay more attention to the person I talked to. I would make the most of the interaction, instead of just politely doing business and moving on. It was funny because i usually got the same person and they came to recognize me well and know me over the months. Fortunately they were a nice person! it helped. B ut it was not enough, and i decided in this day and age, its very very hard to get by without internet anymore, just like a phone... society is no longer set up for it.

You have clearly learned, and mastered, many of the quick fixes - don't have the resources? Hop a train illegally for free! tough it out and brute force solution. Political ab use - protest in the street! If nothing else it, makes us feel better. Action! short term changes...... But you have seen already you need more to be sustainable, and worked towards a better career situation and opportunity, and resouces. But it is difficult to manage! Welcome to the show. Design a perfect society, i dare you - no one has and no one will. Becaues that's not the world. The world is struggling to barely survive history, and was struggling to barely survive then. The IMF says 250 million people worldwide are due to starve to this new recession dip from the COVID closures. That's real man. That's the world. Solve that, then we can solve "retirement plans". That's how the world works - its wild.

Step up your game. Grow, provide for yourself. You have accomplished so m uch - dont try and rest on laurels - keep working. Mr. Nearing worked every day until he was 100 years old, and then decided that was enough and basically stopped eating until he died. Provide for yourself - go further. Beyond street protest - step up the game further, more advanced. Beyond hopping trains to get into nature and have mobility etc, - step up your game further, and more advanced. And join what adults have been doing for millenia - trying to live, survive, and build a life for themselves and their people in community and society - surviving as pack animals that left the ape stage of completely wild, overpopulated and is endurng the pandoras box of all the strange things that it means to be human as we learn to find a way to balance it all and make it sustainble.

You only live once. Make it worthwhile

Why stay in the youth perspective of live today, die tomorrw?

Step up - go more advanced. Start trying to have Live Today, try to find a way to Live Tomorrow, perhaps die soon enough afterwards. You've mastered live today - can you make it live 2 days? a week? a month - can you master it and provide for yourself for years, and then enough you could provide as an elder, a father, for the next generation too?

It's good to talk. We all need to talk, so much, and we all live in so much silence. Take care!
I’m reading a book now that makes the point: “man should not be subject to the law, but should be the subject of the law.”
 

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