Hey, I'm going through something similar. Not quite the same, but basically - I'm trying to do what I have to do get housed up and stay that way awhile, for financial reasons, and also for my long term survival in terms of a medical condition I struggle with. My mental health is deterioating badly for in a large part, the same reasons. Its killing me. I spent part of the summer suicidal. And similarly, I told myself for years stay cool and follow the path - once you actually get a "permanent" housing situation, it'll be worth it, you'll have a chance - this shit will clear up, it'll b e ok. Get out of the shit your in, that will solve that, it will be over.
Yeah - exact problem you mentioned. That's not what happened. the shit didn't end, this didn't solve things, was not the turning point it was supposed to be
I feel you. I think we come from different pasts though
I was taught Edward Abbey "Sentiment without action is ruination of the soul"
I am, if nothing else, a devout social justice person, and activist
That being said, I've had to put that down for a few years, especially where I now live, which is "safer" for a "disabled" person
I spent most of the past three years offline. I got ahold of a used computer and an internet connection last week, and have spent pretty much every waking minute online. Some of that was catching up on personal business, important, som eofit financial, etc But i find most of my time reading alternative media and on forums with like minded peers, people who travel, free spirits, poor people from disadvantage, and people who give a fuck, and rebels. People who assert there independence and stand up, one way or another... personally, or socially. Also, people who love the outdoors and living close to nature, sustainably, naturally, humanely, wildly, honestly. etc. healthfully
I dont even have any computer system speaker or anything so am greatly missing audio (and video becomes mostly useless)
I knew I would b e tempted to spend too much time. I tried to reign it in. I know me, i was worried i would lose 72 hours straight. Its been 5 days. the third day, all I stopped to eat was 2 eggs and water......
i worry what's going on with me. I think, i'm compulsive in a b ad way or something. Am i addicted?
but today, the fifth day - I'm smiling. Alot. I dont remember smiling like this in years. I'm happy.....
its sad what i've deterioated to, b ut its no surprise someone what I've b een through
I'm not a sell out. But I'm trying to learn to do what I have to do as an individual with severe medical problems in the US, without family support or significant financial resources. I'm trying to learn be an adult, a citizen. Fight for a legal, just system - and find my own place, and justice recipient in it. Navigate the heinous structure we have inherited. Good luck!
For me, I was taught - a spiritual solution. A spiritual perspective. I try and bring myself b ack to this. I want to study more. One of the graces of internet access is i can find spiritual teachers and teachings. This is wonderful for me
I try and find my role in the situation. I talk, think, study what others say. The political situation is heinous.
One thing that helped me a few years b ack, when i still had internet, a man who had gone to seminary and become a minister, and then gone on (missionary?) work in the farthest reaches of canada in native reservations, only to finally face coming out as gay - and be ex-communicated, he taught me that in early Christian times in the roman empire - Romans would often throw unwanted babies from unwanted pregnancies into the dump, still alive..
(modern people occasionally do this too, and sometimes get caught, but rampant then..)
Early Christians would go to the dump and rescue these children and take them in and raise them.
Pretty soon most Romans were talking shit ab out them
They said, and spread vast rumors that these Christians were eating the babies, and commiting cannibalism.
Then they said they were raping the babies, and keeping the children for sex slavery.
And amongst all the heinous persecution in those times, the Christians kept going to the dump and rescuing babies, and taken them in and providing and caring for them.
This really helped me. a perspective. What people went through in history, compared to now - and all the lies that the historical problems are solved, and (as Candide) We live in the best of all possible worlds, with the best governments in history, the best democracy ever, etc. etc. etc.
What can we expect of life? a levittown house, 4 door cadillac family mobile? leave it to beaver nuclear family? no, that is lies, propaganda and bbullshit
I hear "Rewild or die" and I give credit to it. But, i belive in "The Rule Of Law, and Not Of Men"
without law, and a legal system, legislation, courts, a justice system, it becomes gangster - individual persons then "make right" and determine "power. " it becomes a game of power and strong man, then bully, and warlord. Only by uniting all the "little guys" and using that power of Unity, can w e counter the power of bully, mob leader, gangster and warlord, etc. And we have to organize that power to keep it safe and make it work. The way to do that is law - I believe in the Rule of Law, and not of
Men.
So i try to learn my place in that. We have to have a social SYSTEM. I am responsible for informing and educating myself how to make it work properly, care for it, take share. Informing myself appropriately, being knowledgable. Basic citizenship. Then what else can I do to care for it? the social system we NEED to not live as oppressed persons and slaves, from bully and warlord.
I taught myself survival and preparedness, I study sustainability, TRUE sustainability. I study health
and I know i need support. Worse then being alone perhaps, is being surrounded by toxic people. selfish people, irrseponsible, who dont care. I am surrounded
People are pack animals - not just to hunt, live together and defend our housing and crops, and resource - but our minds are that way as well. "The Socioligical Mirror" We do not KNOW ourselves from our own perspective - we cannot perceive ourselves from our own mind, just as we cannot see our own face - without a mirror. We know ourselves from the REACTIONS of the people around us - their expressed perspectives. Our self -esteem, self - confidence, everything - comes from THAT. Social EXPERIENCE.
We NEED socializing. and positive. That's SURVIVAL
Humans who were ticking off or constantly disappointing or otherwise not social functing with the group, did not survive.
This is evolution - how our brains evolved
Those who survived - collaborated successfully with a group of humans - and got postive reinforcement as a result. So, we are wired to check for it - and adapt to it - to survive.
So - our individual survival, and health, not just Physical, but MENTAL, depends completely on the survival of our fellow humans - our group, pack. If the people arround us are all dying, we die too. If they are all phsycially ill, we become physically ill too. If they are mentally unfit or unhealthy, we become unhealthy too. We are not completely individual, and cannot be. We are group creatures, not just in function and interaction, but in our very selves - in our minds. We cannot exist in our minds, without others.
A psychologist once snapped at me "have me show you the most mentally unhealthy person, and I will show you the hermit"
It's true. I love nature and quiet and peace. I have severe PTSD and trauma, i prefer it to the company of most humans, most of the time. I would be a great candidate for a job like yours. Its good for people like me, who would rather just sit and drink nature and commune all weekend, than go to a city.... i can't stand bars or coffee shops or the like anymore. I've had it...
but I've learned my lesson camping by myself off where its free and "safer", away from town. extended periods - i get lonely, i need someone to talk to. One time for 6 months, camping alone i had no internet access ever. that was hardest on the isolation, and wore on my mental health and stress. Nothing helps stress, like good socializing! Its well known. I decided i would make the most of my social interactions. When I had to make a monthly phone call to pay a b ill, I would pay more attention to the person I talked to. I would make the most of the interaction, instead of just politely doing business and moving on. It was funny because i usually got the same person and they came to recognize me well and know me over the months. Fortunately they were a nice person! it helped. B ut it was not enough, and i decided in this day and age, its very very hard to get by without internet anymore, just like a phone... society is no longer set up for it.
You have clearly learned, and mastered, many of the quick fixes - don't have the resources? Hop a train illegally for free! tough it out and brute force solution. Political ab use - protest in the street! If nothing else it, makes us feel better. Action! short term changes...... But you have seen already you need more to be sustainable, and worked towards a better career situation and opportunity, and resouces. But it is difficult to manage! Welcome to the show. Design a perfect society, i dare you - no one has and no one will. Becaues that's not the world. The world is struggling to barely survive history, and was struggling to barely survive then. The IMF says 250 million people worldwide are due to starve to this new recession dip from the COVID closures. That's real man. That's the world. Solve that, then we can solve "retirement plans". That's how the world works - its wild.
Step up your game. Grow, provide for yourself. You have accomplished so m uch - dont try and rest on laurels - keep working. Mr. Nearing worked every day until he was 100 years old, and then decided that was enough and basically stopped eating until he died. Provide for yourself - go further. Beyond street protest - step up the game further, more advanced. Beyond hopping trains to get into nature and have mobility etc, - step up your game further, and more advanced. And join what adults have been doing for millenia - trying to live, survive, and build a life for themselves and their people in community and society - surviving as pack animals that left the ape stage of completely wild, overpopulated and is endurng the pandoras box of all the strange things that it means to be human as we learn to find a way to balance it all and make it sustainble.
You only live once. Make it worthwhile
Why stay in the youth perspective of live today, die tomorrw?
Step up - go more advanced. Start trying to have Live Today, try to find a way to Live Tomorrow, perhaps die soon enough afterwards. You've mastered live today - can you make it live 2 days? a week? a month - can you master it and provide for yourself for years, and then enough you could provide as an elder, a father, for the next generation too?
It's good to talk. We all need to talk, so much, and we all live in so much silence. Take care!
