Why don't you have sex?

[ScumRag]

I lean towards the "queer" end of the spectrum but definitely identify as asexual.... Just cuz it's safer + my hand always satisfies. It's a great relationship.

 

[schmutz]

I got to the point where I wanted something long-term and real with someone but then I discovered that if I share who I am with someone they don't want me anymore. Last guy I dated straight called me "someone's left over trash". Not worth it to put myself out there again.

 

[mouse]

in denial: people who endlessly critique or distance themselves from the act, pretending their focus on it isn't interest in sex itself.

I'm not sure what that means.

In my case it's been about a year when my last (and best) relationship came to a natural end. I'm probably older than most on the forum, and over time I have come to believe that the cost/benefit of sexual relationships just isn't a good deal. I haven't done it before, but I would be open to paying a professional for her services. It'd be cheaper and less stressful in the long run.

 

[ScumRag]

I got to the point where I wanted something long-term and real with someone but then I discovered that if I share who I am with someone they don't want me anymore. Last guy I dated straight called me "someone's left over trash". Not worth it to put myself out there again.

I'm sorry that you had to experience that... But just remember negative comments towards others are usually a mirror image of one's own self worth.

 

[mouse]

Last guy I dated straight called me "someone's left over trash".

Holy crap, that guy was emotionally abusive. Sorry that happened to you. Remember it says a lot more about him than about you.

I had a girlfriend that was conventionally hawt (underwear model for catalogs), and also a clueless narcissist. She say stuff like "People ask me why someone like *me* is with someone like *you*..." She seemed to have no idea that was an obnoxious thing to say. She was used to people giving her special treatment, free stuff, getting away with speeding stops, etc.

One day I told her no one gives me free stuff and she didn't believe me.

 

[schmutz]

Thanks, guys. It kinda sucks because I don't think I will be willing to open myself up like that again and....yeah, I see where it was just alot of insecure bullshit but it's hella hard not to internalize that shit sometimes.

Oh well, who needs someone else to have to worry about in this world, it just ties you down and holds you back anyway

 

[LysergicAbreaction]

I have plenty of sex, so I am not sure why I am posting here, However, I understand The desire to distance oneself from conventional relationships.

In my community freedom of choice and freedom in love are crucial. We practice free love.

(During the 1960s they were in the middle of a sexual revolution, women were gaining sexual freedoms and civil rights, birth control had become very popular, and culturally young people were abandoning the models of conventional relationships, so their "free love" was very much centered on sex, our "free love" is centered on love itself, you can love anybody, and treat anybody like your brother or sister, there are also deeper levels of love, including those involving sexuality, which are also expressed freely and at the individuals personal discretion.

Sexuality is one of the peaks of the human experience, and it seems odd to me for an individual to want to deny themselves from one of the deepest expressions of love that humans can show to towards one another.

...I don't think I could have sex with random people or strangers, I have to have a certain degree of love for a girl before I can sleep with her. I mean, I have had "one night stands" where both of understood that it was just fun for that night, but these girls were always my friends, and I always loved them at least as friends if not more.

...during the last few years I had been taking meditation courses from this beautiful women. She is a lesbian and has a girlfriend, but after years of meditation practice, and after years of love, trust and friendship between us, we began to explore a deeper relationship. This started with certain types of tantric meditation and yoga practices. Eventually we began incorporating LSD, MDMA, 5-methoxy-diisopropyltryptamine, and 2C-B into our Karmamudrā and tantric practices. During These meditation sessions we formed a bond deeper than any two people can ever have, we love each other on a level that most will never know. So, this eventually came to lo light with her girlfriend, who was also a very close friend of mine, and in the end it turned into a 3 way love deeper than any of us have ever known. This girl had only been with two guys in her entire life, and it was a similar situation with her girlfriend. So I was pretty much the only guy either of these girls had really been with. (These are the type of feminist hippie lesbians who truly dislike males, they don't even like when I bring male friends over, though I also dislike males and really don't have male friends, so this is rarely an issue) I was curious as to how I ended up in a relation with these amazing women, and when I asked the response was something along the lines of they don't see me as a male, which I was slightly offended by initially, though it was explained that this had nothing to do with my masculinity, as I am not effeminate in anyway. It has more to do with having a "unique soul".

As males it is our duty to honor, love, empower, and respect our female counterparts. I am a feminist, but in the tradition of emma Goldman, Riane Eisler, and terence McKenna. I dislike males, but this is not related to my views on feminism.

...with these girls, it isn't a "relationship" though, and while I love these girls more than anybody can, eventually they will move on to other trips and other people, which is part of life, everything is in a constant state of change. This is another aspect of our free love concept, just because you love a person does not mean you have the right to limit them or prevent them from progressing on their own paths. This isn't always easy, but in the end it always works out. I have had to let other girls move on, and while I still love them, and miss them, I want them to be happy, productive, and successful, and sometimes that involves moving on. it's not a selfish love. We love each other unconditionally, but never restrict each others freedom or desires.

...any way, its complicated, and not something I enjoy speaking about.

I think one of the biggest problems with the world today is that people are afraid to love each other.


I could not imagine a life with out a woman to love, I have nothing but love to give, and eventually I want to settle into a monogamous relationship and start a family. Though I will always feel that love should be shared with every sentient being, and I will always practice free love in the non-sexual form.

...I guess when I find the girl to settle down with I will know. Until them I am fully happy showing love to those who I love and receiving it from them, and enjoying it while we have it, without clinging to it or being saddened when it has to end or evolve or transform.

 

[Deleted member 20240]

I don't consider myself asexual. Probably more of a weiner snob The Human, commercialized mentality toward sex seems so shallow ignorant and animal to me. " your hot, lets fuk" Is not an appealing stance for me. If people feel that way, fine. But you can't imagine how much crap I've had to deal with on the road because I'm female and I don't want to just take dick because it's around. Personally, I need to be attracted to a person in more ways than physically to even enjoy sex, so why bother, if thats not the case? That's just how I am. We all feel different ways about the subject and thats fine. when people try to make others compromise thier own feelings or make someone feel like shit for feeling a certain way regarding thier sexuality, to appease thier own selfish desires, thats seriously manipulative,twisted and wrong.

 

[LysergicAbreaction]

I agree with many sentiments expressed In the last post by wISDOM, and believe it or not I view sex in a somewhat similar manner.

I agree that culturally sex is used as a technique for manipulation and control, and fails to delve into any of the deeper aspects of sexuality itself. Sex is used to market products, to sway opinions, and to generally manipulate human base instincts for some commercial, political or personal means. Culture has also reduced sex to a type of product, and this culture, which is painfully male-dominated, uses sexuality as a key tactic for the control of an individuals behavior.

Then we can look into sex on a social level, which is heavily tied into the cultural views on sexuality, but differs in the sense that it focuses on how individuals relate to these cultural norms and how they actually behave in the real world. Culture wants you to feel that physical attractiveness is of prime importance, they tell you that if you don't have a perfect body, or of you have some flaw regarding you appearance, that the opposite sex will not want you, they have it all boiled down to "who ever is the most physically attractive is the most desirable", and often times this is how individuals actually view sexuality. Most individuals will even reduce people to a one through ten number rating based on physical appearance, which has always disgusted me to some degree.


I can also agree that I don't "want the vagina" just because it's around, and I don't try to sleep with every female that crosses my path. I am also fairly selective, if I don't have a certain degree of love and trust for a girl, I won't sleep with her, no matter how attractive she is or how many attempts she makes to get me in bed.

Sexuality is one of the peaks of human existence, but it's the love behind the physical sexual act which makes it such a powerful force, not the physical act itself. Which is why loveless sex never appealed to me.

Again, I don't have (m)any male friends, and have been told by other males that I "view sexuality like a female", which I don't feel is accurate, I think these males have just accepted and some what enjoy male-dominator culture and politics. Other males will spread rumours that I am somehow "asexual" because I don't display male-dominator sexual tendencies. I also get a good deal of hassle for being a feminist, but I am not going to get into this subject here as I feel the misunderstandings of others regarding my views is of the least relevance to the subject at hand.

Any way, I will stop rambling on . In the quotation section below is a brief overview regarding "dominator culture", I felt it should be included in an effort to promote clarity and understanding regarding the concepts expressed, as the term does have a fairly rigid and specific definition.

Riane Eisler presents dominator culture as a cultural construction of the roles and relations of women and men, where men “dominate,” or are in control within society. Regardless of the location, time period, religious beliefs, or advancements in technology, a society might follow the dominator culture model. Eisler characterizes dominator culture as featuring four core elements:

• an authoritarian social and family structure
• rigid male dominance
• a high level of violence and abuse
• and a system of beliefs that normalizes such a society[5]

The dominator model is framed in contrast to the partnership model. In a sort of reversal of the elements of dominator culture, the partnership model is characterized by:

• organization according to the ideals of a democratic structure
• equal partnership between men and women
• a lack of tolerance for abuse and violence
• and belief systems that validate an empathetic perspective[5]

By juxtaposing dominator culture with partnership culture, Eisler creates a continuum between the two. She argues that where a society falls on this spectrum influences its culture, beliefs, and actions. Adherence to dominator culture affects people from a personal to a public level, as seen in its societal impact.[1]

Historical context
The prevalence of dominator culture has shifted over time. Eisler claims that, in the prehistory of humans, partnership used to be the norm. In both the Paleolithic and Neolithic periods, there are examples of matriarchal societies preceding patriarchies. British archeologist James Mellaart, for example, reported a Neolithic site with many female images and no signs of destructive warfare for almost 1000 years.[1] For thousands of years, people lived in these peaceful partnership societies, until warlike nomadic tribes disrupted the balance with their dominator cultures. Since then, fluctuations between dominator and partnership societies have occurred over time, but the primary shift has been towards dominator culture.

Societal impact

Dominator culture impacts the way a society appears and functions. Riane Eisler posits that “narratives about our cultural origins,” like dominator culture, “reflect and guide how we think, feel, and act.”[1] Though no culture is fully dominator or fully partnership in its construction, the degree to which it aligns with one of these models impacts the beliefs, institutions, and relationships of that society.
Gender inequalities
The main distinction between the dominator and partnership models, according to Eisler, is their treatment of the relationships between men and women.[5] She argues that, historically, men have been the dominators, leading to patriarchal society that upholds constricting, traditional gender roles. Surveys by anthropologists Peggy R. Sanday and Scott Coltrane support this connection, showing the correlation between a society’s structure and the expectations for men and women. They found that greater equality between men and women led to greater male involvement in childcare.[7]However, because dominator culture upholds a harsh division between masculinity and femininity, it dissociates masculinity from anything stereotypically feminine—even at the expense of benefits such as those reported by Sanday and Coltrane. Accordingly, in these societies that prize domination and power, the societal value for qualities like empathy, caregiving, and nonviolence diminishes. Instead, by viewing femininity as undesirable and inferior, these dominator societies accept and perpetuate violent and inequitable behavior.

Power disparities
In dominator culture, society reinforces such hierarchies by presenting the dominator model as the natural order of society. According to Eisler, some sociobiologists and psychologists claim that male dominance is inherent in human genes and a product of evolution, demonstrating dominator thinking.[5]Theorist bell hooks has expanded on this, indicating that dominator culture “teaches us that we are all natural-born killers but that males are more able to realize the predator role.” [3] By accepting male dominance as a genetic imperative, society justifies a dominator structure. Consequently, this situates the desire to overpower and control others as part of human identity, according to hooks.[3]
This hierarchical disparity is not only explained genetically but societally reinforced, extending to “power” more generally. Although Eisler often distinguishes between the two models on the basis of gender, she also applies these hierarchies more broadly to other societal constructions of power, like race, class, and age. Terence McKenna, a friend of Eisler’s and fellow writer, asserts that Eisler's book The Chalice and the Blade “de-genderized the terminology,” framing it as a contrast between dominator and partnership ideologies, rather than just an indictment of patriarchy.[8]Supporting this interpretation, Eisler argues that society’s requirement of children to be submissive and obedient to their parents reflects the influence of dominator culture. Dominator culture encourages the ideology, from childhood, that one either dominates or is dominated. Accordingly, dominator culture not only equates the difference between men and women to superiority and inferiority, but rather “frame all relationships as power struggles."[3]


Historical and cultural implications

Dominator culture has had varying manifestations in society throughout the course of human history, from the prehistoric warlike tribes of the Neolithic era to present-day displays. The dominator structure of society dictates and shapes the culture that accompanies it. Other authors have used, expanded on, and interpreted Riane Eisler’s idea of dominator culture to apply it to a wide range of fields, as far-reaching as nursing, war, language learning, economics, and ecofeminism.[9][10]
Historical and cultural manifestationsEdit
Author Malcolm Hollick cites Nazi Germany, Stalinist Russia, and Islamic fundamentalist states as modern, though severe, examples of dominator societies.[6][better source needed] The Nazi claim to power, for example, was also accompanied by the call for women’s return to “traditional,” or subservient, places in family structures. However, manifestations of dominator culture are not always so extreme; the effects of dominator culture often manifest in pervasive and subtle ways in society. In the United States, the wars on terror, drugs, and crime perpetuate the use of force to achieve an end and indicate a lessening of certain freedoms.[6][better source needed] On a larger scale, sex-slavery, forced marriage, and the acceptance of wife-beating persist around the world. Though the Western world has made considerable strides towards a more partnership society in the past few centuries—Western society boasts of freedom of speech, access to education, political participation, gay rights, and women in the workforce—the shift towards the partnership model is neither universal nor complete.
Similarly, dominator culture threatens the preservation of the environment. Hierarchical societies that value claiming control justify humans' claims of dominion over nature. Terence McKenna expanded on Eisler’s work, using the idea of dominator culture to illuminate the character of what he sees as Western patriarchal culture—indicating, for example, his claims that it perennially lacks social conscience and lacks concern for the environment. He argues that, “The entire structure of dominator culture… is based upon our alienation from nature, from ourselves, and from each other.”[4] As a result, dominator culture not only accepts but justifies the pollution and destruction of the environment. Daniel Quinn, a philosophical and environmental writer, takes on these issues in his novel Ishmael, characterizing dominator culture as Taker culture and detailing its incompatibility with the environment.
-Wikipedia

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dominator_culture

 

[Chillhowee90]

I am about a billion miles away from being asexual, but I do go through temporary periods where I choose not to get it on with anybody. I find that it

a) makes life less complicated (no worries about STDs, pregnancies, social/emotional consequences, etc.)
and
b) enables me to have a greater sense of solitude and clarity.

Also, sex isn't that great unless it's with someone who is really special to you, and when you have sex with someone who is really special to you things are either going to be really, really great or really, really horrible afterward, depending on whether or not you both wind up wanting the same things. It can suck if one of you is cool with no strings attached and the other gets really attached, in other words.

However, sex is very nice. I'm also a 22 year old girl who travels and meets lots of people, so it kind of gets offered to me a lot. I have found that it's almost inevitable that it'll just sort of... happen sooner or later. I'll make friends with someone who is cute, we'll be sleeping on some floor together, somebody gets cold, then cuddly, then sexed up. Humans have been doing it forever. For most of us, it is part of our nature. I just like to take breaks from it because it often has its downsides.

I can definitely see why some choose celibacy as a permanent thing, I just don't see myself doing it. Sort of like vegetarianism, which I also periodically engage in as a means of cleansing myself.

No strings attached ...this is a concept that most people do not practice.

Loving people, places, emotions....etc. in the present moment without letting the mind possess them as "mine".

Life is actually lived when the strings are no longer "attached".



SOMETIMES GETTING FREAKY FEELS RIGHT ...time and place for every thing.

life is love to me and that love can be expressed in many ways.....

physi

phys

 

[saul]

my expectations are too high

 

[FenrirFox]

Because I am out of Chloroform.

 

[Coywolf]

Because I am out of Chloroform.

Not funny.

 

[mono]

cannae risk somebody securing my seed to sell on the black market

 

[Deleted member 20683]

because i'm over casual hookups/"dating" and don't have time or mental space have a serious relationship.

also, fenrirfox is a nazi apologist making rape jokes, it's only a matter of time before he gets banned. sigh.

 

[FenrirFox]

Nazi apologist, since when?

 

[otch0z]

Not worth it to put myself out there again.

That is well said and that would be my reason too... I have had very little experiences that were actually good with sex and relationships, be it sexual or emotional, so I developed strong boundaries that don't allow people "in" (in both ways huehuehue). Now I crave for affection but any attempt by someone to be anything more than friends is seen like a threat. To me it's too dangerous, and I wish I could go beyond these traumas but I'm kinda stuck by the part of me who's in charge of defending me and who got a little paranoid.

 

[Frypan Meatboots]

I have a fear of those warts some people have/get. They get them all over their eyes, and they are obviously genital warts. In some geographical areas warts are really common. You will notice an increased presence of people with those things on their eyes, their eyelids, or their eyecorner creases. Some people get clusters of them all over their necks. Eye warts are a serious thing that is common, just like genital warts. It's really gross. But you only live once, so fuck it. That's what condoms are for. Then you could also get the herp virus. You can have sex but first check for warts of any kind or herpes sores. Don't have sex in the dark.

 

[roughdraft]

I have a fear of those warts some people have/get. They get them all over their eyes, and they are obviously genital warts. In some geographical areas warts are really common. You will notice an increased presence of people with those things on their eyes, their eyelids, or their eyecorner creases. Some people get clusters of them all over their necks. Eye warts are a serious thing that is common, just like genital warts. It's really gross. But you only live once, so fuck it. That's what condoms are for. Then you could also get the herp virus. You can have sex but first check for warts of any kind or herpes sores. Don't have sex in the dark.
View attachment 47279

i want to bite those off >_>

 

[sevedemanos]

no particular reason. food costs a shitload; energy to make money costs money; enthusiasm costs money. its cheaper to just utilize the fact we have thumbs and vaguely also to do the opposite of what everyone else is doing. now wheres my asexuality badge of honor