Relationships & the road

[soymilkshakes]

A little background: I'm in a bit of a shitty situation with someone who I began dating very shortly before I left to travel, and now I'm back home and planning on leaving again, soon. The problem is that he's staying on Long Island, and I don't plan on staying around here more than necessary.. I don't wanna bore you with a little internet pity party, I'm really just interested in others' opinions on the topic:

What's your take on monogamous, or even uncommitted, relationships with people who you are not traveling with? i.e., anyone do the whole "together when we are, not when we're not" type o' thing? Completely cut ties with someone who's not going your way? Or?

Seems like it would likely happen to people who are often traveling, not staying around very long - considering most people are fairly settled.

I tend to have ideological leanings towards polyamory, but emotions usually crap on logic when it comes down to it. And, of course, the problem with not sharing a day-to-day, committed life with someone is, they'll usually find someone who will..

Anywho! Thoughts?

 

[finn]

Heh, I'm involved with a very career-set person (long story on how this happened), but we agreed to not be monogamous, even though we've been together for a few years now. And it's pretty much together when we are, sort of thing. You just have to find the right person. It'll be different for everyone, but just keep the lines of communication open with honesty- as in there is no real security in the relationship except for friendship, since we don't really have control over our hearts. The trick is finding the way that works for you.

 

[derekja]

Poly works really well for me. It only gets tough when I settle someplace for a while like I am for school right now and can't get around to see all of my spread out sweeties!

 

[Benny]

It sounds romantic but it's impossible to have a long distance monogamous relationship. Plus its boring as fuck. My experience is that you need to find someone who shares your interests or its going to bug you.

 

[BrokeWhiteBoy]

Damned emotions... they SUCK sometimes.

I think I kinda lucked out. Hella cool friend with the whole uncommitted ideals and yet also shares interest in life on the road.

 

[oxy_acetylene]

I was with this kid for a little over two years-- lived with him for about a year and a half. He was cool-- a real weirdo. I loved him very much. We moved into this apartment together in a terrible little burnt-out industrial town I found oppressive. He was learning to weld there. I was supposed to have a job-- but I could never stabilize myself enough to find work. If I ever considered the ends I would be working towards I became disturbed. Was this only temporary? How could I be assured if I took a job I wouldn't have to do it for the rest of my life?

One day, we went hiking. It was the most beautiful day you could ask for-- bright and mildly hot. The sun filtered through the trees and we'd just finished swimming in a slow creek. That day, for whatever reason, I was enamored with the world's vastness, and sought to have it laid at my feet. I didn't want a place to call my own-- I wanted to be cradled in the country's sweet promise of anonymity and boundless possibility.

We made our way back to civilization by way of some train tracks. He was a real foamer, presumably still is. He adored trains, and I craved escape, so I asked him if he'd like to hop with me. He thought I was joking and agreed-- but when I began to get serious he quickly changed his tune.

What he really wanted, he told me, was the big settle-down: A job, a house, kids? He said he'd always assumed that was what I wanted, too. He had never bothered to ask, and somehow never deduced that I deplored and feared these prospects. (Or perhaps he did, and chose not to validate my feelings.) He wanted his own things, his own place in the world, carved in the sphere of permanence. It broke my heart to realize how he'd misread me, and how stubbornly he clung to the ideal of being stationary and functional-- neither of which, it turned out, he'd ever really achieve.

It killed me that he couldn't share my wishes, or even the sentiment that spurred them. It killed me that he assumed that all I'd ever wanted is the normalcy that he craved. I stayed with him for a while afterwards, always kicking around the idea of "leaving,"-- not him, specifically, but every geographical location I've ever stomped.

He beat me to the punch and left me for reasons that I'm even still afraid to speculate on. There were cracks between us for as long as I can remember, but they were split into a huge canyon by the wedge of separate desires laid plain by that day.

The idea that we were working towards different ends fermented in each of our heads. We never felt at peace with each other. We could never respect the basic ideology of the other-- and no matter how we ended up, if one of us was happy, presumably, the other would be miserable. There was no point. We felt trapped and burdened.

It just got to be too much.

 

[Krista_LM]

I believe it's all about finding what works for you. In my opinion, I find abolsultley nothing wrong with being polyamorous. But personally, it would never work for me. I just couldnt do it.
I've been with somebody for three years now and we both agreed that when the open road becomes involved, we will remain monogamous. That's just the way we both want it to be and the only way it could work for us. We agreed to always be honest and when it comes down to it, preserve the most important thing, our friendship. But like I said, I believe it really just depends on the people, the situation, and the personal preference.
However it may be, the best of luck to you and your sweetie(s) on the road.

 

[soleildegemme]

It seems to me that the only way to be on the road, is to be alone--as far as romance goes. What are you escaping if you bring the things you love with you? What are you learning if you can't learn to live without your spouse?
Leaving a loved one behind is heartbreaking, but to me, it seems to be the only way.

But, as was previously mentioned, love usually rules out all logic and previous notions.

 

[soleildegemme]

I am going to have to disagree with you on this... I have been traveling for many years now and I have had a very loving, committed relationship with my partner for over 5 years now.

I travel and she does not.

As for the statement "love usually rules out all logic" I think thats silly as can be...

I don't think it's silly. If you have predetermined ideas of how you want to live your life, even down to basic habits and rituals, you may change them to adapt to your lover. You may not. For me, those things usually happen.

Logic, according to your personal ideals, may be ruled out.

Everyone is different. I personally find that you're holding yourself back if you're commited to something at home.

 

[bikegeek666]

what i hate is being okay and having lovers in different places and being okay with that and with each of them, but there are a couple who i always miss really badly.

 

[veggieguy12]

It's hard, tough, difficult, troubling shit.
And it's not easy, either!
...and then you factor in traveling to the relationship?
Yeah, relationships, and Relationships + Road/Travel, ouch.
(For me.)

 

[dirty_feet]

hmm...I'm at a point of likening my opinion to bikegeek666's....some people just aren't equipped for monogamy, and I'm one of them. For me it's more of a lifestyle choice. I am really annoyed with the common connotation that one being incapable of monogamy justifies, or slightly equates polyamorism, or that the only other assumed capacity for love and affection in terms of exclusivity in partnerships is a polyamourous route. Meh - what do any of us know? I have some favorites, absoulutley, as well as some amazing beautiful nutbags in between. Lovers abound - you should do what you want to do, you'll always love him in your own way. It always burns when it's not what they'd like to have and share, but if you start with the fact that you really care about one another, and take it from there, with honesty, openness and respect - the love that you do share together will guide you in a direction that should be healthy and happy for the both of you - you'll figure it out.

 

[maus]

stop "having relationships", and just relate!

this is a really good essay that says most of what i would say on this topic:
http://www.godhaven.org.uk/agapofal.html

these are good too
http://anti-politics.net/feral-faun/economy-of-love.html
http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/goldman/jealousy.html

 

[Dmac]

enjoy what you have when you have it, if a partner starts giving you ultimatums, it is time to go. when ultimatums appear, you are being held up against anothers expectations. the problem with expectations is that they cannot be met, for 2 reasons. 1; if you ever approach an expectation, the expectqation (or bar) will be unconciously raised by the one expecting. and 2: you are hardly ever told of your significant others expectations, untill you fall short. evan than good luck finding out!

 

[katiehabits]

i'm pretty new to polyamory. i tryed haveing a monogamous relationship last spring but we were in different cities & i found someone in my city that i was very attracted too. we got long really well & he knew about my other partner but so in a way we at the time were poly but.... my other partner didn't know because he wasn't useing internet at the time so i couldn't get ahold of him to tell him. & then he showed up to town...... early. he guessed right off the bat that i'd been sleeping my this other man. & boy was he pissed. he made me promise i would be monogamous to him & i really did love him so i stoped seeing my other partner. from then on they have hated each other... to this day if they end up in the same city it's almost guaranteed they will get into a fight...... & none of us are together anymore. but me & my partner where very different people & he didn't like alot of my friends. we traveled together & then i went on a quick trip with some friends of mine he didn't like & i slept with an old friend of mine i hadn't seen in a long time. i told him as soon as i saw him like within the first 5mins but he broke up with me because he couldn't deal with my polyamous nature. so now i straight up tell people as soon as we start flirting or something that i'm poly because i don't want a repeat of that relationship. i loved him lot but we had different ideals when it comes to lovers. polyamory is about communication with out it you & your lover/s will be hurt in the end.

 

[soymilkshakes]

stop "having relationships", and just relate!

I tried the un-monogamous thang with the aforementioned person, actually. My former pseudo-boyfriend agreed, he was totally not into the idea of possessive relationships either. I could and often did make a completely solid, logical case for eliminating monogamy all together; I mean, really, why should a person be able to have many varying, fulfilling-in-their-own-way friendships but not relationships? Why should your sexuality be something that your partner owns? It makes complete sense, really. But honestly, I was applying the logic only to myself and not to the possibility of him being with other people, and when it came down to it, I forgot one crucial thing: how much it fucking hurts when someone you love is in love with someone else.

I so wish I could handle uncommitted relationships but for whatever reason, no matter how much logic I pile on to it, I just can't. Can't overcome that animalistic, territorial bullshit.

And as for the person I made this thread about? In a committed relationship with some other gal. Whatevs.

 

[katiehabits]

And as for the person I made this thread about? In a committed relationship with some other gal. Whatevs.

story of my life girl. you'll find someone.

 

[LeilaniRose]

I havent really been in manly relationships due to my constant traveling. Anytime Id meet a decent guy, Id move. At this point Ive just stopped looking and hope that eventually Ill meet another traveler and shitll work out. Shit like that tends to figure itself out on its own, though there is still work involved. It all depends on you.

 

[logan714]

I'm marred the last thing i want when i get to get out on the road or tracks is to fuck around I want to hang out with people not chicks out dudes and have some fun

but that is just me Just because I like getting away from my wife at times does not mean i going to fuck around The last thing i need is a mother woman in my brain

logan

 

[logan714]

another *