Depression? Fuck you here's my rant.

[Ravie]

Fuck. I hate to wine about shit but i cant fucking talk to anyone right now so here ya go. I'm going to bitch, rant and moan until i have nothing else to piss me off. just to warn you--->:sucks:

I'm so fucking twisted up in my head. I'm fucking tired, so tired. My mind wont give me a moments peace and i might as well have some fucking bird squacking in my ear for a couple days straight. At least i could kill the bird and relax. stupid concience. stupid morals. stupid me. No matter how hard i try i dont feel like giving a shit recently. I had a plan of school, college, relationships, my own place, friends, a car, family. but no matter how much i pretend i know it makes me want to puke. The last thing i ever want for my self is to be typical. you know, go to college, move in with my boyfriend, get married, have kids, work, work, work, and have every day be exactly the same irritating full circle of bullshit.

One part of me just wants to fuck everything off, fucking just leave everything and everyone behind and learn to breathe again.

The other part of me is telling me to calm down and not to do what i allways do and run away from my problems and people who care about me.

I finally was back into a good relationship with my mom. I had a "perfect" relationship with my boyfriend. Well i decided on choice one last week to i went to Eugene, OR. My boyfriend called fucking torn to pieces that i left without him. my mom as allways is disapointed. I get drunk and found out eugene sucks. decided to go home but the damage is already done.

I shat where i slept.


so negative i know! NOT LIKE ME AT ALL!



Fuck! i cant stop writing. I'm trying anything to relieve this stress. i dont even care if anyone reads this.
I dont realy have a point to all this, i dont know if any advise exists for me out there, its fucking doubtful. I was told the other day "figure out what you dont want out of life to figure out what you do want." and i sat and thought. My response was that how could i possibly know what i want when i dont want anything at all? is that even an option? in life? "none of the above!"

Know what else pisses me off? i spent $200 on fucking king cobra 40s in a week. thats alot of fucking beer. i swear im going to look like a walking keg in 10 years.:thebird:


ONE MORE THING! i was fucking walking by a bank drive through and there was a brail sign...IN THE DRIVE THROUGH! then a sign next to it saying "for visually impaired customers"......what the fuck is that!? yeah fucking blind people go drive up to the bank and read a fucking brail sign telling them they made it to the bank. FUCKING JIZ SUCKING MORONS::die:



I'm done. for those who read this, thanks for the effort and sorry about spewing my issues, i know you all have your own to worry about.

 

[Shoestring]

I always wondered that too!!!!
A brail sign next to an elevator entrance or in Wal*Mart up front by the rest rooms.....I mean, if you're blind, what or how are you even going to know where the brail sign is in order to feel it "THEN" to know where the bathroom is at......LOL!!!

Fuck. I hate to wine about shit but i cant fucking talk to anyone right now so here ya go. I'm going to bitch, rant and moan until i have nothing else to piss me off. just to warn you--->:sucks:

I'm so fucking twisted up in my head. I'm fucking tired, so tired. My mind wont give me a moments peace and i might as well have some fucking bird squacking in my ear for a couple days straight. At least i could kill the bird and relax. stupid concience. stupid morals. stupid me. No matter how hard i try i dont feel like giving a shit recently. I had a plan of school, college, relationships, my own place, friends, a car, family. but no matter how much i pretend i know it makes me want to puke. The last thing i ever want for my self is to be typical. you know, go to college, move in with my boyfriend, get married, have kids, work, work, work, and have every day be exactly the same irritating full circle of bullshit.

One part of me just wants to fuck everything off, fucking just leave everything and everyone behind and learn to breathe again.

The other part of me is telling me to calm down and not to do what i allways do and run away from my problems and people who care about me.

I finally was back into a good relationship with my mom. I had a "perfect" relationship with my boyfriend. Well i decided on choice one last week to i went to Eugene, OR. My boyfriend called fucking torn to pieces that i left without him. my mom as allways is disapointed. I get drunk and found out eugene sucks. decided to go home but the damage is already done.

I shat where i slept.

Ive been talking to him but it seems like a cut that i cant heal. the trust is gone. Now i'm trying to make it up to him but im pretty sure i'm not sure how. i hate hurting people. especially the only person who's never hurt me. I'm not sure i can treat him like he should be treated. I can try, but i couldnt imagine the devistation if i tripped up and ruined everything.

I fucking hate everything right now.

so negative i know! NOT LIKE ME AT ALL!

I'm just so confused. every since my dad died it's like ive given up on emotions. my dad was the only person in my whole life that allways was there and now he's not. the rugs been pulled from under me and im sitting on my bruised ass wondering what the fuck just happened. and my life is falling around me like dominos, except i keep pushing them over.


Fuck! i cant stop writing. I'm trying anything to relieve this stress. i dont even care if anyone reads this.
I dont realy have a point to all this, i dont know if any advise exists for me out there, its fucking doubtful. I was told the other day "figure out what you dont want out of life to figure out what you do want." and i sat and thought. My response was that how could i possibly know what i want when i dont want anything at all? is that even an option? in life? "none of the above!"

Know what else pisses me off? i spent $200 on fucking king cobra 40s in a week. thats alot of fucking beer. i swear im going to look like a walking keg in 10 years.:thebird:


ONE MORE THING! i was fucking walking by a bank drive through and there was a brail sign...IN THE DRIVE THROUGH! then a sign next to it saying "for visually impaired customers"......what the fuck is that!? yeah fucking blind people go drive up to the bank and read a fucking brail sign telling them they made it to the bank. FUCKING JIZ SUCKING MORONS::die:



I'm done. for those who read this, thanks for the effort and sorry about spewing my issues, i know you all have your own to worry about.

 

[IBRRHOBO]

:arrgh: I vaguely remember a post u were in the beginning stages of this delimea. Unfortunately, matematics are in favor of men: meaning there are more women than men. So, eventually ur man will find another woman, and u another man. Gotta hate the Vegas odds I guess!

I would submit that as spring is coming, you're young and the world spins on a axis around a burning rock, you will probably be best served by travelling. I have no vested interest in your outcome, it's simply an observation. Apparently, you've fucked up (in your belief system) and thus to continue grappling w/yourself over this is pointless. :deadhorse:

Oh, I suppose someone else will ramble about morals, ethics, etc. And I suppose in the plastic world those concepts are attainable; however, it appears you don't have a 9-5, four walls with a yard kept up by immigrants, etc. Accordingly, the plastic world is not yours.

I'm sure none of this helps, but as you're probably aware I'm a realist; a stoic if you will. I do wish you the best and would say that it is probably good you rant here as opposed to acting out 'there'!

Good Hunting!

 

[Ravie]

*sigh* well i feel alot better. i think i just needed to put it down in words. called my boyfriend and had a long talk. we're doing fine now and he's considering traveling with me again. I'm not looking for advise or anything. probably didnt have to post it on the internet lol but sometimes my rants can get pretty funny when im all pissed off haha

but when it comes down to it i realize everything will pan out eventually. just needed a good venting.

 

[compass]

.....

 

[Ravie]

awwww i got the "...." man.... i hate when that happens.

 

[compass]

I wrote something, but decided it was none of my business. I'm too impulsive. Take care though, hope everything works out.

 

[stove]

Man, I couldn't figure out who you were by the Avatar until I read the tag. Nice hair color!

Regarding the actual post, f*k em all. Do what you want to have fun. glad to hear that you reconciled w/the BF, sometimes it takes a little chaos to resore order, ya know?

 

[Uncle Stinky]

If they make all of the ATM buttons with braille they only have to make one kind...

 

[Ravie]

Man, I couldn't figure out who you were by the Avatar until I read the tag. Nice hair color!

Regarding the actual post, f*k em all. Do what you want to have fun. glad to hear that you reconciled w/the BF, sometimes it takes a little chaos to resore order, ya know?

thanks for the positive feeback lol i didnt even realize how much about my personal life i just posted on the net until after posting. i feel a little embarassed. but yes, with me epecially theres allways a sorm before the silence.

 

[finn]

Maybe it's good that something blows up once in a while, since it lets you know what problems are just below the surface. Third time's a charm, right?

 

[stove]

oh, and I loved the gratuitous use of icons in your original post. Had me smiling, despite the message.

 

[Ravie]

yeah i tried to lighten it up a bit. you should see me rant in person. ide have you rolling on the ground lol

 

[stove]

Probably. I think angry people are either really amusing, or cute (or both). I still think that's the most creative use of the icons I've seen so far on a post on StP...But I haven't been here that long. Glad you're feeling a bit better after letting of some steam, I might be doing some of that tonight. Glad I'm at 8000', can't walk too far.

 

[Ravie]

i have fun being angry i love to entertain while i'm being a bitch lol but letting loose is refreshing once and a while. especially when your supposed to be a calm collected person like myself. 8000' eh? where are you at?

 

[veggieguy12]

You don't know that if you had waited for your partner before beginning your travels that you would have fared any better... you just gotta choose, moment to moment, what you think is best in that situation and for the future. And you can second-guess these decisions, but it'll get you nowhere, and maybe you can just remind yourself that you don't know the outcome would have been greater by a different decision.
In fact, I have known (and can say from experience) that traveling together can drive a wedge between good friends or lovers.

 

[Ravie]

thats what i thought about too. but if he cant travel with me then it wasnt meant to be. i'm not planning on changing my life style because i'm afraid to hurt people. i dont want to hurt him but i at least should give him a chance. he's never even slept outside other than a tent before, how would he know if he likes it or not? so this next trip is a test.

 

[stove]

Big Sky, Montana. G-d's country, or some shit like that. Working a season up here for a free pass and a place to crash, and a lil cash in my pocket. Yeah, I got wicked pissed last night at a friend who's been trying to screw with my head, finally got that sorted out, but it feels great to just blow off some steam. Of course, I took a 200' digger today down a snowfield in my anger...I'm sure it would have looked funny from the outside...

 

[katiehabits]

man i know ow you feel restless mind restless body restless drinking..... it's a cycle
i tryed to straighten out my life for a while; deal with charges, get a job, rent a place, have a good relationship with my mom, date someone "normalish" you know all the bullshit. but it drove me crazy so i picked up & left for winnipeg. now i'm way happyer. you have to make the choice of normal life or our life style. do what makes you happy not what you "think" is "right".
that's my two cents.

 

[Ravie]

outch. that hit me. i'm okay with denial for now. until i snap im considered a "recreational traveler" wich to me has no substance, but whatever. i'm at least going to give this sweet boy a chance and a good valentines day.