So does anyone have any jokes?? (1 Viewer)

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Older Than Dirt

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This is an old joke- you have to imagine there is no such thing as a cell phone yet, and that car phones are exotic and new, and long-distance calls are very expensive:

A backwoods country girl has been on the road for a while hitch-hiking. She gets a ride from a rich guy in a chauffeur-driven limo.

He is showing off for the girl, and explains how, in his car, he has the most modern communications technology, and is in touch with every part of the world.

She says "I've been on the road for a while, and i'd give anything to talk to my dear old mom back home right now."

He says "Anything?"

She says "Anything."

He unzips his fly, and pulls out his johnson, she bends over, and grabs it, and says "Hello, mom?"
 

Older Than Dirt

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Priest and a rabbi are hanging out. A very good-looking young guy walks by.

Priest says "Jesus Christ, i'd like to fuck that kid!"

Rabbi says "Outta what?"
___________________________
The same priest and rabbi are hanging out again. Priest has to hear confessions, gets the rabbi to come along for kicks.

Lady comes in, "Forgive me, father, for i have sinned. I was overcome by lust, and fucked the mail-man."

Priest says "That is a grave sin. Was it just once?"

Lady says "No, father, i fucked him twice."

Priest says "Christ will forgive you. One hundred Hail Marys, $100 in the poor box."

Lady leaves, there are a few more confessions, but nothing big-league like the mail-man one. The priest is called to administer last rites to old Mrs McGillicuddy.

Priest says to rabbi "I gotta fly and do this Last Rites gig, but help a brother out, cover me on confession here."

Rabbi says "Are you kidding? I don't know from confession!"

Priest says "It's easy- you saw how it goes. Just listen to what they tell you, and give them penance."

Priest heads out, rabbi takes over the booth, another lady comes in, says "Forgive me, father, for i have sinned. I was overcome by lust and fucked the mail-man."

Rabbi says "That is a grave sin. Was it only the once that you fucked him?"

Second lady says, shocked, "Yes, father, i only fucked him once."

Rabbi isn't sure what to do with just one fuck- do you just divide, or what? He says "Are you sure it was just one time? Maybe you did it two times?"

Second lady says, even more shocked, "Yes, father, i only fucked him once."

Rabbi, unsure of the rules here, but figuring he has to do something, says "Christ will forgive you. One hundred Hail Marys, $100 in the poor box. The church'll owe you a fuck."
 

MFB

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@Juan Derlust I'll see if I can change my user name to dick, since you cant seem to keep my name out of your mouth. ;)
 

Older Than Dirt

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A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer are on a sinking ship.

Rabbi says "We've got to save the women and children!"

Lawyer says "Fuck the women and children!"

Priest says "Do you think there's time?"
 

Older Than Dirt

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Q: What does it mean when you see 10 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

A: Somebody ran out of sand.
----------------
An minor angel is touring hell, reviewing the tortures of the damned to make sure sinners are suffering.

The devil showing him around takes him to a chamber where folks are getting molten-lead enemas; angel says "Yes, yes, the molten-lead enemas, good, good."

Next chamber the devil shows him is flooded up to neck level with slowly rising shit, pus, and used restaurant grease. Angel says "Good, good, the slowly rising shit, pus, and used restaurant grease; next, please."

"This is something new we've been working on," says the tour-devil as he leads the angel into the next chamber.

This chamber is lined with shelves of law books. In the middle is an ornate desk, with a very beautiful woman bent over it, getting fucked from behind by a middle-aged guy in a suit, with his pants around his ankles.

The angel says "Well, that doesn't look like the tortures of the damned to me!"

The devil says "Who are you to question that poor woman's punishment?"
-----------------
Q: Why have psychologists started using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments?

A: There are more of them, and there are some things rats just won't do.
 

Odin

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What did the waiter at the pizzeria ask Doc Holiday?

What do you want on your Tombstone!! 🍕🍕🍕


::hilarious::


I just made that up... Five stars if your a millennial or younger and get it! ::eyepatch::
 

NorfolkOff

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A drunk staggers into a bar, goes upto the the bartender and says

"I'll buy a round for everyone in here, a beer for myself and a shot for you!"

The bartender hands out all the drinks to a thunderous round of applause for the man. Everyone raises a glass and finishes their drink. When it comes time to square up the bill the drunk says to the bartender

"Oh...I can't pay that...I forgot my wallet at home!"

The bartender leaps over the bar, drags the drunk into the back alley and proceeds to beat the hell out of him.

The next day the same drunk walks into the bar and says

"I'll buy a round for everyone in here, a beer for myself and a shot for you!"

The bartender thinks to himself "After the beating yesterday, he can't be stupid enough to try it again!" So the bartender hands out all the drinks to a thunderous round of applause for the man. Everyone raises a glass and finishes their drink. When it comes time to square up the bill the drunk says to the bartender

"Oh...I can't pay that...I forgot my wallet at home!"

The bartender leaps over the bar, drags the drunk into the back alley and gives him a beating even worse then the last one.

The next day the drunk walks into the bar all bruised up and says

"I'll buy a round for everyone in here and a beer for myself!"

The bartender replies "What, no shot for me?!?!"

The drunk says "No! You're too violent when you drink!"
 

Odin

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One day a comic walked into a bar...

He said gimme a double shot of whiskey and make it quick!!!!!!!!!

The barkeep said... sure thing... no need to be cross... jesus!!!

The Comic said...

download-1-gif.55417



::eyepatch::
 

Older Than Dirt

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Q: Didja hear the one about the fish that got caught?

A: Yeah, he shoulda kept his mouth shut.

A "Dad joke", provided Dad is an old crim trying to subliminally imbue "Crime 101" lessons in his kids.

Jesus taught in parables, i used to call my teaching style "stand-up tragedy"- if you got the jokes, i was radicalizing you.
 

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