So does anyone have any jokes??

[Inactive User]

A lone wayfarer is backpacking through Ireland when it starts pouring rain. The only sign of civilization is a house on a hill.

He follows a fence up the hill to find that the house is a pub. He goes inside and orders a pint, wondering why he is the only one at the bar.

The bartender asks him if he noticed the fence on the way in, and the traveler nods. “I built that fence with my bare hands” he says, “but do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No.”

The traveler changes the subject. “You did a good a good job on this pint, how long have you been tending bar?”
“Twenty years,” the man replied, “but do they call MacGregor the bartender? No.”

Confused, the traveler sighs and looks down at the floor.
“I see you eying my floor,” said the bartender, “I laid that floor twenty years ago with my bare hands, but do they call my MacGregor the carpenter? No.

But you fuck one goat…”

 

[iamwhatiam]

What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after he dumped his boyfriend?

He wiped.

 

[WestOfSunset]

What does going down on old people taste like?
Depends...

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.

You know why baker's chose 13 for their dozen?
Cause fuck 12.

You know why tweakers do it doggy style?
So they can both peak out the blinds at the same time.

What do you say to a hippie in a three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

 

[jamaicafaith]

im late... but...

how many boneheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ... 10, 1 to screw it in 9 to watch his back

how many crusties?... crusties dont screw in lightbulbs they screw in dumpsters.

whats the difference between a baby and an apple? ... i don;t usually cum in my apples before i eat em.

how many babies does it take to paint a barn?... depends how hard you throw em

whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porsche?... i dont have a porsche in MY garage

whats worse than 10 dead babies stapled to a tree?...one dead baby stapled to ten trees.

2 punks and a bonehead are in a car. whos driving? ... the police

how did helen kellers parents punish her?... rearrange the furniture

why did helen keller's dog commit suicied?... id kill myself too if my name was "uuuuungggggghhhhhhhhhhh!" (gotta say it real good)

THE FOLLOWING JOKES ARE NOT OKAY BY ANY MEANS, BUT I'M SAYING EM. ... dont read if your easily offended.

why cant helen keller drive?.... because she's a woman

this next one's real bad

what do you call the useless skin on the outside of a vagina?..... the woman

What's the worst thing about eating your vegetables?

Putting them back in their wheelchairs

 

[bootz]

I really kinda hate my partners fetish..... I just had to get that shit off my chest

Whats the difference between a praying nun and a nun in the bathtub? One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole

 

[Hobeau]

How many travelers does it take to change a lightbulb?
You know lightbulb??

What is the difference between a bottle and a hippie chick?
Sonetimes the bottle doesn't make it all the way around the circle.

What's the difference between a crusty chick and a dumpster?
I'll eat outta dumpster.

 

[Joe Btfsplk]

Did you know that six of seven dwarfs aren't happy?

 

[Joe Btfsplk]

LEVELS OF STRESS

4) HIGH: You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car. You take her to the hospital.

3) HIGHER: The hospital says she is pregnant and you are going to be a father. You swiftly deny that. The girl says you are!!

2) and HIGHER: You request a DNA test to prove you are NOT the father and insist on providing a sperm sample. After the tests are completed the doctor says that you are INFERTILE, and have been since birth.

1) EXTREME HIGH STRESS: On your way home you think about your three kids.


What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

 

[sevedemanos]

“abusing the post rating feature”

 

[StoriaThyme]

I always touch myself before I go out...

...that way I last longer on the bus.

 

[TheTexasRoadrunner]

Here I am watching Popeye.

Olive - " Oh I just love a man in uniform".

Popeye and bluto- " would you love me if I was in uniform?"

Me- "YOUR ALREADY IN UNIFORM!"

Popeye and bluto run to the army recruiter - "We wanna join the army !"

Me - YOUR BOTH IN THE DAMN NAVY!"

 

[Joe Btfsplk]

Mary O'Reilly finds Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband John passed away last night."

The priest says, "Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests? She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "Pray tell, what did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please Mary, put the damn gun down."

 

[Joe Btfsplk]

Fault.

 

[Joe Btfsplk]

 

[Joe Btfsplk]

17 Year Old Derails Train

 

[Framese]

What did the lawyer say to the insurance agent?
"I predict a merger between our firms."

 

[EmmanuelGoldstein]

Whats grayish-green and smells like cabbage?

The 6 year old in my basement.

 

[EmmanuelGoldstein]

Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”

The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”

The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!