My Life And Why I'm Leaving it Behind

[Sliver]

First off I'd like to say how glad I am that I found this site and all of you. You've, just over the past few days truly and finally given me that push I need to get out the door and on with my life. I'd also like to apologize in advance for any issues with my typing, as I am typing this on a fucking iPhone because my pirated Internet stopped working.

First, I will give you a very summarized version of my past and what has brought me to where I am today.

I was born here in maine to a very normal upper middle class family in the suburbs of Portland. After high school I went to college for film and creative writing and after college, moved to new York city. I started bartending downtown at a bar called TriBeCa tavern, and lived in a nice apartment in Greenwich village. Long story short I Ended up getting addicted to heroin and lost my job and apartment. After a while of being homeless, I made friends with some squatter kids on avenue A and was invited to live in the batcave squat in Brooklyn. This was at the end of 2005. I lived there for a good six months stealing gum from drug stores to sell to the newspaper stands around the city. Believe me, you can make a lot of money doing that and I was really good at it. I could make 150-200 dollars a day. Anyway, all the money went to dope and coke and I rarely ate anything. The few times I was caught the cops came to know me as "the gum master" haha. I'll tell some more detailed stories about that in the future. Anyway for that entire time I had absolutely no contact with any of my family or friends, and some thought I was dead. My parents even came to look for me to no avail. I didn't want to be found. I wanted to be invisible. Eventually the cops started to catch on and the paranoia from shooting speedballs every day and not sleeping started to literally drive me insane. I started walking up to people on the street accusing them of being undercover cops! Finally, desperate one night I called my parents from a payphone. I was back in Maine the next night. I ended up going back to new York twice and both times ended up in rehab; the last time in hazelden out in Minnesota. The reason why is I wasn't ready. I didn't have enough spaC e from it or enough will to quit. Despite what my mother and other people think, it wasn't new York that made me do drugs it was me. There are just as many drugs here in Maine.

I have now been clean for 3 years, and feel that it is time to move on with my life. There is nothing for me here in Maine and I can feel myself becoming more restless, angry and sour with each day that passes. I am an artistic person with a big need for adventure and a non routine life. I always knew I would never be a "normal" person.

So, here's the problem; I have a girlfriend whom I live with, we share an apartment and I have a job and yadda yadda. My girlfriend Is a truly amazing girl, the kind most guys would probably kill to go out with. She is extremely pretty, she cooks for me, cleans for me, treats me well and has literally bent over backwards for me, helped me financially in the past when I needed it and all that. She truly loves me, but I know I'll never be what she needs me to be. I really kinda wish I were different and content but I know I can never just settle down and have that normal lifestyle. I would be misrable and sour and would be lying to myself and her if I did just marry her and do the "American dream" thing. Now, I do love her, we have been together for almost 2 years now but she can be so suffocating. She is a very good talker and good at making me feel guilty and like I owe her something if we have a disagreement. That is one of her downsides is she is very controlling and codependent. I don't want to urt her though. She has put SO much into this and as of right now thinks were going to get married one day. It kills me to think of the day I tell her I'm leaving. I need to go back to new York. I can get my old bartending job back and I love the place so much. Now it's not only going to be her, my whole family will be against me in this. My parents will get over it once they see that I'm doing well, but it's my girlfriend I'm worried about. She will flip and cry and tell me I'm going to get hooked on drugs and that I owenher some ridiculous sum of money (I don't anymore because I've been contributing a lot for quite a while now) and she will say how can I do this to her after everything she's done for me....That's what bothers me most is how can I? She has been nothing but good to me and totally devoted her life to me for 2 years. I do love her and it kills me to think of breaking her heart and hurting her that much out of the blue after all wevE been through and all she's done...another thing is I have been unable to save money for the trip because I can't in good conscience hide away money when she has been using all her paycheck for the both of us. I think I could scrounge up a few hundred dollars just before I leave and have friends I can stay with for free in NYC, but it's scary, ya know? What if I'm making the wrong decision but how can I be when I'm so miserable here?

I really need some advice here...what do you guys think? How do I do this or even should I? It kills me to think of hurting her so much but I know I am not at this point in my life right for her, and this place is not right for me.

 

[Sliver]

Thank you very much. You guys are the first people I've even told about this. I've been considering it for months. I just need to figure out how to handle it with her it's quite a complicated situation

 

[Mouse]

"and she will say how can I do this to her after everything she's done for me....That's what bothers me most is how can I? She has been nothing but good to me and totally devoted her life to me for 2 years. I do love her and it kills me to think of breaking her heart and hurting her that much out of the blue after all wevE been through and all she's done..."


you can do it because you're obviously selfish. all drug addicts are inately selfish... I speak from experience, I used to be hooked on dope as well and I'm an alcoholic. I also can speak from exeperience from your girlfriends perspective, as I've bent over backwards to help and care for my current boyfriend (ex junky as well) only to have him toss my supposed "controling bitchieness" in my face and tell me he hates me. It's a cop out. and yes, I did remind him of how much I helped... and then I left. And he learned very quickly just how fucked his life was without me helping him.. he left his hometown to live with me becaue he knew that place was going to rope him back into drugs again. Without me, there was still drugs. It wasn't me he needed but a reason to stay sane and on the right path, I just happened to be the package that reason came in.

there's another reason than Maine for your restlessness. one thing I know is that no matter where you go, there you are. By that I mean, your problems are in your head not your town. They follow you no matter how far you run.

I'm by no means saying you can't do what makes you happy. But you do have to consider the effect your actions have on your loved ones. Go, be free, but don't hurt them if you can help it. Try to come to some compromise with them that doesn't leave yourself lacking. There's a way if you just make it.


if you love her and she loves you, why wouldn't she go with you? why wouldn't you invite her to do so? there's got to be some reason you haven't even considered asking her to move with you to New York... invisible again maybe?

 

[wartomods]

If you love her , you would not leave her for anything in this world

 

[veggieguy12]

If you love her , you would not leave her for anything in this world

Not true.
If you're a disability to her, an anchor, a hindrance to her life, and you love her, then yeah you'd get the hell away from her and let her go and grow unencumbered.

 

[Sliver]

Not true.
If you're a disability to her, an anchor, a hindrance to her life, and you love her, then yeah you'd get the hell away from her and let her go and grow unencumbered.

Exactly. Also, shed never leave her job and family here. Shed be too scared to. I wouldn't want her to come because; though I do love her and probably always will we have also grown apart. We have less to talk about every day, and I know that no matter where we are the relationship would continue to deteriorate.

As for hurting my family and "wherever you go there you are", Maine is a very, very oppressive and depressing state to live in for someone like me. I personally believe that your surroundings directly contribute to how You feel and your overall sense of well being. If I stay here all there is for me is a future of minimum wage jobs and a sense each day that I don't belong. Which I don't here. I've known that for years.

I am the type of person who needs the unexpected. To not know what's going to happen at any given minute. A direct contradiction of the state of Maine. If any forementioned "compromise" happens and it doesn't mean leaving this state, then it can't be. My parents will understand. They know me better than anyone. Once there I will call my mother every day and make sure to make a true and good life out of it this time.

Rest assured, people, staying here is not an option. This is not an on the fly decision. I've been thinking about it for over a year.

I just need to live. I've tried to make it happen here, and it's just simply impossible for me.

 

[moe]

im young and haven't experience much of all that you and others have.
but at one point i had cared for nothing at all but POT! i was a pothead. and people just weren't taking me seriosly, they were looking for me to blaze them, and that depressed the shit out of me. so i stopped, and i drove me nuts!
but eh, im good. i don't drink or smoke, but ciggarettes.
as far as wanting to leave, i think you should do it. take a time out from your opresive life, and see what's out there for you, and only you can control the outcomes. if you love her thatt's great but if you're not happy, then it's the best that you change before that feeling gets worse. like going to new york.

 

[Mouse]

i already repliled to you PM but I'd liek to add that I can completely understand where you're coming form with the idea that where you're located effects how you feel and how you life is, I won't deny that. I'm pretty much in the same boat.. it's not easy for a strange girl to get a job in a small yuppy town when she's got neck and hand tattoos and can't afford new clothes. BUT i also know that in my being here i've learned a lot about myself... I've learned that this isn't where I want to be not because I want to run from family and friends I used to have but because this place simply doesn't fit ME. So, I think we're completely on the same page with that... it seems to me that you've thought this through pretty well and you're mind is already made up so the only actual problem is how and why you're going to end your relationship.

in terms of THAT, I don't think you should just dip out on this girl completely and leave her hurting. Leave, yeah sure, do that if you must, but you should always be available and helpful to her in some way in order to return her efforts 3-fold. How you do that is up to you but I still think you should. Any good done to you should be returned with so much gratitude in order to show how much you really cared and benefited from that persons help. it's not just about money and breaking even in this case, it's about respect, recognition, and being gratefull.

 

[jigz]

im pretty much in the same position with my family, i know how it is. but you gotta be true to your self and your girl, you cant live a fake ass life style and be happy. and eventually things will spill out with your girl, what i would do is be straight forword with her but be nice about it

 

[hassysmacker]

im in a similar situation. except i've been with the girl for 3 years and we've known each other for like 5-6 years. but i'm getting off probation soon, like real soon, and i've leaving sometime between now and november from ny. i know shes hurt that im leaving but shes just not psychologically or physically able at this juncture to be able to handle the road at this point, and i think shes knows it as well. so its out in the open, it sucks, i'm leaving but its something i've been planning on doing for al ong time, its just coming up pretty soon.

i love her with all my heart, but this is something i need to do for myself.

 

[wartomods]

Not true.
If you're a disability to her, an anchor, a hindrance to her life, and you love her, then yeah you'd get the hell away from her and let her go and grow unencumbered.

Well sir i am talking about reciprocal love, if it is not reciprocal you should not even be with her being a burden or not.

 

[CholoMcScumbag]

i had to do the same thing you are about to do but a little different. i was taking care of my guy for two years. did the little house 'wife' thing was really unhappy, and was abusing junk to make up for it. im a giver and tend to put my feelings on the side. i talked to him about me wanting to leave, he flipped shit and said i was selfish and thats when i realised that he didnt care about me and my needs he just wanted to have me around happy or not, and could not get past that.

anyways what i am trying to get at is that if someone truely loves you then they will understand, they will let you go and do the thigns you want/need to do in life. you cannot truely say you love someone unless your are willing to let them explore their own life.

talk to her. dont hide and dont jsut take off. its really hard to d and very emotional but in the end if it is love then it will work out wihtout anyone being to upset. and you never know you might come to find that you wanted what was infront of you all along.

 

[Sliver]

Thanks guys. As for talking to her that is one thing I fear I may have to do at the last minute, just before leaving. See, you guys don't know my girlfriend. She will NOT understand. No matter what. She is a very good talker and I am not and she will drop verbal nuke after verbal nuke on me until I give in. She has issues with people leaving her and here I am, doing just that.

I hate to admit this but I'm fucking terrified. Time is getting short. I set the first week of September as my leave date because that's when I harvest my plants and will at least have some money.

 

[bote]

Why do you want to go back to NY? If you are feeling nostalgic about your old life there, just remember: things are always a lot rosier in retrospect, but you can never recreate a time and place, and also, you are at very high risk of falling back into some of the ways you claim to be happy to have gotten over (drugs, stealing for drugs, the trife shit).
If you are serious about not living a normal life and want to go out and find something extraordinary for yourself, maybe you should consider going somewhere new and give yourself a chance.

 

[Sliver]

I want to go back to new York to create a new life, not recreate an old one. I love new york as it is, not as it was. I've been all over this country and I can honestly say that there is no place for me like NYC. I am 110% sure that I won't fall back into drugs there. I am more likely to do that here.

 

[dirty_rotten_squatter]

Well, in my experience, sometimes you don't know you're happy untill it's too late. Just really think about it. Do it the old fashioned way, write out the pros and cons. Be sure that your decision is truly what you want.

 

[Mouse]

"sometimes you don't know you're happy untill it's too late."

that's pretty damn true. I know I sit here and think "fuck I hate my life" and then I realize, it's been a lot worse and it's been a lot better... take it in stride and try to enjoy myself.

 

[crispus]

Nothing good lasts forever, change is the only thing that's constant, etc

 

[Beegod Santana]

I've walked away from a few real good relationships because of my unsatiable urge to travel. It was always expected, I've never been known to stay anywhere too long and am up front about my inability to commit to anything but constant motion. I never thought of it as cruel, since I had never implied that I was going to do anything other than eventually travel on, but in the end I did abandon and hurt a few people who were more emotionally dependent on me than my narcissistic ass was able to realize at the time. It sounds like this girl is a very emotionally dependent person, and you've already said she has abandonment issues. If you really intend to move on you at least owe her a warning. Basically I feel that you need to man-up, tell her you're going back to NY and stick to it. If she truly loves you (which it kinda sounds like she does) she'll eventually consider going w/ you or at least try to find a way it make it work once all the inital drama is said and done with. If she flips out and you two break up forever, then you've just gotten past an extremely difficult point that would've been inevitable anyways.

There's a million different ways to chase the dragon... dope's just the easiest.

 

[JoeGerminate]

"your problems are in your head not your town. They follow you no matter how far you run." - Mouse

I realize this thread has moved on a bit since that was said but i completely agree with Mouse here and feel this should be discussed a bit more. The first time I left home I felt very similar to how you described yourself feeling about your town. I thought that "if I could just get out of this place everything would be glorious" So I left and everything was wonderful, at first. I was ignoring my problems not dealing with them and my it didn't take long for my demons (for lack of a better term) to catch up with me and it wasn't until I returned home that I was able to face my problems. Sometimes you just need a fresh perspective.

On the subject of talking to your girlfriend, maybe talking isn't the best idea as there are other forms of communication. For example write a letter, you mentioned that you are not the best talker, and neither am I but with a letter you can proof read and edit and make sure that you put down what you need to say. State your feelings state your needs and let that open up dialogue or ask for a written response (just be there for a response). There is no growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone! Now I don't know you but I am going to believe you when you say you wont go back to drugs, but unless you are able to grow from this then you will just find another form of escapism.

best
JoeGerminate