I am getting severly depressed by what my relationship has turned into...
Lots of the things we tried to do together didnt go anywhere...
We met during the occupy wall street movement, tried to settle down in both California and Nevada...
She was having siezures in her sleep, I helped her get assistance and a disability income, I have helped her out alot...
She does things that are really just totally annoying to travel with...tonight it was to spend too much money on too much chinese food, saying "well get really stoned and eat that later" no we arent eating it I knew we wouldnt and now its just stinking up the fucking van.... and we have no way to warm it up in the van. Lots of what happens with the van seems to be mostly for her and not me, especially when it comes to how money is spent...
She grew up in a house where there were cigarette smokers all around her since she was an infant and they got her smoking them as a teen. She has experessed interest in quitting over the years but I dont know what it will take for her. She coughs so loud, even louder than old men I've met on the road...its kinda disturbing and wakes me up at night, reminding me who I am with and that this individual was basically cursed with a lifelong cigarette addiction by her parents... she hates doctors and hospitals...
We have been through so much, she has met all my relatives and watched them go in and out of our life but ive never met hers even though yes they are in Missouri she talks about them all the time... has for years... like she misses them or wishes she could go back. I dont miss my relatives and dont want to go back to where they live unless with was for a temporary job that paid considerably well, or something significant like that...but not for my relatives at all, that is a whole other story. I sometimes wonder if I am not cut out for relationships because I was raised to be a nervouse adult and had traumas from my family, but I like the idea of being in a community polyamoros etc.... I need the connection and sex to survive and feel good about being human if I am going to go on with this life...I'm tired of being marginalized and isolated and being just kind of kept and contained by someone who wanted me, but not to do anything with my just to have me.... my parents were kind of the same way, but not romantically if that makes sense.
I feel like I have changed over these last 8 years and she has not, not the way I have anyways. We get out of homelessness together for a short while now we are living in a van, when we first met we didnt have a vehicle just camped and hitchhiked. We squatted with Occupy and helped out with Food not Bombs, did some cool camping and it is kinda epic with this van at times... but when the money and gas gets low, and there seems to be no way to make ends meet other then flying a sign... when you havent even been able to afford a motel room in months like you thought you would living in a van... its kinda bleak and there are huge factors of uncertainty unless you have a serious amount of money saved up, which at that point wouldnt need to be squatting I suppose...
I dont want to abandon her but she becomes irrational when we talk about separating, just wants to smoke more pot with me....I cant tell if this van is about to take us to what has been missing of if this is just plain going on too long. I dont want to abandon her and leave her with the van she doesnt have a drivers license and is not tech savvy....but I feel like I need more in my life than her and the van - she has said she wants that too but I dont know where to go or what to do to find that for us anymore. She needs medical cannabis to control her siecures, it kind of helps me with occaisional nightmares and insomnia but I think the culture around it is becoming very sinister and more about partying than healing or medicine.
I feel like if I did get away somehow I wouldnt really think about pot or cigarettes anymore and just more on....there is more to this but basically I am feeling really tied down to the van and my partner and I dont know what to do. There are times when we have fun together and its nice (not just sex or pot) I am just one person with little to no resources but my own intelligence strength and resourcefulness...lots of things I have showed her that helped me with personal development just havent really seemed to interest her, she would watch so much reruns of star trek when I had a job. The sex life has been less than fantastic to say the least but she is very beautiful....I almost feel like she has had too many people around her for her to realize who SHE is, and I dont want to just be another one of those people that is getting in the way of her development. I am not leeching the money (its technically ours as a household), human trafficking or manipulating her in any way.... I love her and care for her but I feel that I am somehow being lost and maybe even neglected in a way that is hard to describe, and is leaving me with this feeling like I am somehow lost even though I am in a relationship and have a vehicle, which ive never had before...
I know this is really personal and probably belongs in a blog, but I am looking for advice and dont know where to begin...I was just hoping for any input, and since we met in a squatting situation settled down out of it and now are in a van type life, I thought some of you brilliant people here may have some insight...
be with peace and love within yourself, always...
Lots of the things we tried to do together didnt go anywhere...
We met during the occupy wall street movement, tried to settle down in both California and Nevada...
She was having siezures in her sleep, I helped her get assistance and a disability income, I have helped her out alot...
She does things that are really just totally annoying to travel with...tonight it was to spend too much money on too much chinese food, saying "well get really stoned and eat that later" no we arent eating it I knew we wouldnt and now its just stinking up the fucking van.... and we have no way to warm it up in the van. Lots of what happens with the van seems to be mostly for her and not me, especially when it comes to how money is spent...
She grew up in a house where there were cigarette smokers all around her since she was an infant and they got her smoking them as a teen. She has experessed interest in quitting over the years but I dont know what it will take for her. She coughs so loud, even louder than old men I've met on the road...its kinda disturbing and wakes me up at night, reminding me who I am with and that this individual was basically cursed with a lifelong cigarette addiction by her parents... she hates doctors and hospitals...
We have been through so much, she has met all my relatives and watched them go in and out of our life but ive never met hers even though yes they are in Missouri she talks about them all the time... has for years... like she misses them or wishes she could go back. I dont miss my relatives and dont want to go back to where they live unless with was for a temporary job that paid considerably well, or something significant like that...but not for my relatives at all, that is a whole other story. I sometimes wonder if I am not cut out for relationships because I was raised to be a nervouse adult and had traumas from my family, but I like the idea of being in a community polyamoros etc.... I need the connection and sex to survive and feel good about being human if I am going to go on with this life...I'm tired of being marginalized and isolated and being just kind of kept and contained by someone who wanted me, but not to do anything with my just to have me.... my parents were kind of the same way, but not romantically if that makes sense.
I feel like I have changed over these last 8 years and she has not, not the way I have anyways. We get out of homelessness together for a short while now we are living in a van, when we first met we didnt have a vehicle just camped and hitchhiked. We squatted with Occupy and helped out with Food not Bombs, did some cool camping and it is kinda epic with this van at times... but when the money and gas gets low, and there seems to be no way to make ends meet other then flying a sign... when you havent even been able to afford a motel room in months like you thought you would living in a van... its kinda bleak and there are huge factors of uncertainty unless you have a serious amount of money saved up, which at that point wouldnt need to be squatting I suppose...
I dont want to abandon her but she becomes irrational when we talk about separating, just wants to smoke more pot with me....I cant tell if this van is about to take us to what has been missing of if this is just plain going on too long. I dont want to abandon her and leave her with the van she doesnt have a drivers license and is not tech savvy....but I feel like I need more in my life than her and the van - she has said she wants that too but I dont know where to go or what to do to find that for us anymore. She needs medical cannabis to control her siecures, it kind of helps me with occaisional nightmares and insomnia but I think the culture around it is becoming very sinister and more about partying than healing or medicine.
I feel like if I did get away somehow I wouldnt really think about pot or cigarettes anymore and just more on....there is more to this but basically I am feeling really tied down to the van and my partner and I dont know what to do. There are times when we have fun together and its nice (not just sex or pot) I am just one person with little to no resources but my own intelligence strength and resourcefulness...lots of things I have showed her that helped me with personal development just havent really seemed to interest her, she would watch so much reruns of star trek when I had a job. The sex life has been less than fantastic to say the least but she is very beautiful....I almost feel like she has had too many people around her for her to realize who SHE is, and I dont want to just be another one of those people that is getting in the way of her development. I am not leeching the money (its technically ours as a household), human trafficking or manipulating her in any way.... I love her and care for her but I feel that I am somehow being lost and maybe even neglected in a way that is hard to describe, and is leaving me with this feeling like I am somehow lost even though I am in a relationship and have a vehicle, which ive never had before...
I know this is really personal and probably belongs in a blog, but I am looking for advice and dont know where to begin...I was just hoping for any input, and since we met in a squatting situation settled down out of it and now are in a van type life, I thought some of you brilliant people here may have some insight...
be with peace and love within yourself, always...