Any advice?? :( (1 Viewer)

QU1DAM

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Aug 12, 2018
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21
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Away
I am getting severly depressed by what my relationship has turned into...
Lots of the things we tried to do together didnt go anywhere...

We met during the occupy wall street movement, tried to settle down in both California and Nevada...
She was having siezures in her sleep, I helped her get assistance and a disability income, I have helped her out alot...

She does things that are really just totally annoying to travel with...tonight it was to spend too much money on too much chinese food, saying "well get really stoned and eat that later" no we arent eating it I knew we wouldnt and now its just stinking up the fucking van.... and we have no way to warm it up in the van. Lots of what happens with the van seems to be mostly for her and not me, especially when it comes to how money is spent...

She grew up in a house where there were cigarette smokers all around her since she was an infant and they got her smoking them as a teen. She has experessed interest in quitting over the years but I dont know what it will take for her. She coughs so loud, even louder than old men I've met on the road...its kinda disturbing and wakes me up at night, reminding me who I am with and that this individual was basically cursed with a lifelong cigarette addiction by her parents... she hates doctors and hospitals...

We have been through so much, she has met all my relatives and watched them go in and out of our life but ive never met hers even though yes they are in Missouri she talks about them all the time... has for years... like she misses them or wishes she could go back. I dont miss my relatives and dont want to go back to where they live unless with was for a temporary job that paid considerably well, or something significant like that...but not for my relatives at all, that is a whole other story. I sometimes wonder if I am not cut out for relationships because I was raised to be a nervouse adult and had traumas from my family, but I like the idea of being in a community polyamoros etc.... I need the connection and sex to survive and feel good about being human if I am going to go on with this life...I'm tired of being marginalized and isolated and being just kind of kept and contained by someone who wanted me, but not to do anything with my just to have me.... my parents were kind of the same way, but not romantically if that makes sense.

I feel like I have changed over these last 8 years and she has not, not the way I have anyways. We get out of homelessness together for a short while now we are living in a van, when we first met we didnt have a vehicle just camped and hitchhiked. We squatted with Occupy and helped out with Food not Bombs, did some cool camping and it is kinda epic with this van at times... but when the money and gas gets low, and there seems to be no way to make ends meet other then flying a sign... when you havent even been able to afford a motel room in months like you thought you would living in a van... its kinda bleak and there are huge factors of uncertainty unless you have a serious amount of money saved up, which at that point wouldnt need to be squatting I suppose...

I dont want to abandon her but she becomes irrational when we talk about separating, just wants to smoke more pot with me....I cant tell if this van is about to take us to what has been missing of if this is just plain going on too long. I dont want to abandon her and leave her with the van she doesnt have a drivers license and is not tech savvy....but I feel like I need more in my life than her and the van - she has said she wants that too but I dont know where to go or what to do to find that for us anymore. She needs medical cannabis to control her siecures, it kind of helps me with occaisional nightmares and insomnia but I think the culture around it is becoming very sinister and more about partying than healing or medicine.

I feel like if I did get away somehow I wouldnt really think about pot or cigarettes anymore and just more on....there is more to this but basically I am feeling really tied down to the van and my partner and I dont know what to do. There are times when we have fun together and its nice (not just sex or pot) I am just one person with little to no resources but my own intelligence strength and resourcefulness...lots of things I have showed her that helped me with personal development just havent really seemed to interest her, she would watch so much reruns of star trek when I had a job. The sex life has been less than fantastic to say the least but she is very beautiful....I almost feel like she has had too many people around her for her to realize who SHE is, and I dont want to just be another one of those people that is getting in the way of her development. I am not leeching the money (its technically ours as a household), human trafficking or manipulating her in any way.... I love her and care for her but I feel that I am somehow being lost and maybe even neglected in a way that is hard to describe, and is leaving me with this feeling like I am somehow lost even though I am in a relationship and have a vehicle, which ive never had before...

I know this is really personal and probably belongs in a blog, but I am looking for advice and dont know where to begin...I was just hoping for any input, and since we met in a squatting situation settled down out of it and now are in a van type life, I thought some of you brilliant people here may have some insight...

be with peace and love within yourself, always...
 
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roughdraft

RápidoCorrenLosCarrosRespletoLosRielesDFerrocarril
Joined
Oct 16, 2015
Messages
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sounds like you feel like you're in a one-sided relationship. I would recommend getting out of it. difficult to swallow but ultimately the best option

thats my thought from reading your post but - recognize that anyone giving you advice is going to have their own bias within their point of view. ive never really given myself the opportunity for a relationship, for whichever reasons, and so someone who is more prone to relationships might have a different point of view - or maybe not
 
Joined
Jul 20, 2018
Messages
531
Hometown
Milwaukee Wisconsin
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www.youtube.com
I know it is hard but you need to move on. Two years ago (August 2016) I had to intentionally go homeless to get rid of a girlfriend who was useless, drug addicted, not helping me pay the rent and I left, told the landlord to evict me and she stayed but he evict her too. I couldn't stay there. It hurt to leave her but I had to move on. It was my only escape. I found a place later for myself.

I'm better off now and meeting other females but careful so I don't make the mistake again.

But you need to move on. In my situation was being dragged down by this past girlfriend + she financially ruined me and my credit and rental record thank God a property owner rented out to me!

My advice is to move on, it will hurt but it will pay off when you meet someone else new in the future. Don't cry over spilled milk!
 

roughdraft

RápidoCorrenLosCarrosRespletoLosRielesDFerrocarril
Joined
Oct 16, 2015
Messages
1,149
Age
29
Hometown
"The Hamptons of the Chesapeake"
it's a few things in your post @Forest Faeries - how she isn't pulling her own weight - with the star trek while you worked, the chinese food - but primarily how you seem to be her caretaker

you're a good person for wanting to help her with her medical issues but it must be a two-way street

you might wanna read up on codependency. you may not agree with all of the rhetoric out there but you should find something useful looking into that concept

i speak from experience

feel free to PM me anything you might not be comfortable posting publically
 

Object

I'm a d-bag and got banned.
Banned
Joined
Nov 17, 2016
Messages
100
Hometown
This long dusty road
Eww, I can't side with you. I mean I won't. This ain't Dr Phil. This is you venting. Something you should do more of. Maybe some time to yourself? Maybe maybe not. There's plenty of single ppl out there with a lot of if only. Should have could have would have. I mean honestly from the posts you have, it definitely seems there's more to this. Beware pot growers beware seagulls beware girlfriends. I'm just saying. You asked for it, that's my .02 Peace
 

Cornelius Vango

Chaos Magician
Banned
Joined
Sep 25, 2015
Messages
328
Hometown
Slab City, Ca
Am I the only one who sees something fucked up about posting complaints about one's partner using an account supposedly shared by that partner?

Like, instead of turning to your partner and talking about all this, you turned to the computer and typed it all out where she can definitely read it, but also you get to use the internet for personal validation and some kind of argument leverage.

Also, does your partner ever actually use this account, or is she just always silent and glued to your side?
 

balaperdida

Lurker
Joined
Aug 3, 2018
Messages
18
Hometown
Chiang Mai
Well if this is a shared account...are you just hoping she will log on and read this as a roundabout way to confrontation? Something here stinks and its not just the leftover chinese in your van. This post is oozing with toxic relationship sludge that makes me cringe at the vague resemblance of a similar life experience. If you feel trapped and you stay it will lead to resentment. I don't think anything good can come of this
 

marmar

Newbie
Joined
Apr 19, 2016
Messages
191
Hometown
New mexico
I think it would be good for you to take some time by yourself and think about what you really want, or don't want. If you only decide what you definitely do not want in your life that's already a step forward. If you come up with something you really want just try and do it. If you don't take time alone to think things over then you just will keep on blaming outside things, like your partner, your circumstances, your van, state, hard childhood etc. While the truth is always found inside, by answering questions what do you want and like and going forward from there. You can keep on posting for advices and you 'll surely get plenty, but real answers that you need are not here, look within.
 

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