Polyamory

[christianarchy]

(I've read a few posts about polyamory but there's no thread on it yet)
While I am sure it's not for me, the concept of polyamory interests me quite a bit, but confuses me as well.
Also interested in the concept of "relationship anarchy," but I really don't know much about it, how similar it is to polyamory, etc.
Whether you practice polyamory or not; what would you say is it's purpose? Would the world be better off if everyone practiced it (or was okay with their partners practicing it?)?
Also interested in hearing stories of how practicing polyamory went for certain people. Did it bum you out, or not? What did it accomplish?
Looking forward to hearing from you guys.
-Christopher

 

[UrbanNokizaru]

I actually just read a zine about poly and I'm about to start a book called "The Ethical Slut" that seems to be about poly. It's something I want to at least try since before I found out about it I was never really happy with the standards and rules that came with being in a boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

 

[christianarchy]

I actually just read a zine about poly and I'm about to start a book called "The Ethical Slut" that seems to be about poly. It's something I want to at least try since before I found out about it I was never really happy with the standards and rules that came with being in a boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

As you get into it, pass on if the books worth picking up and maybe some info from it?
Out of curiousity, what standards/rules in the significant other thing are you referring to?

 

[uppercunt]

I actually just read a zine about poly and I'm about to start a book called "The Ethical Slut" that seems to be about poly. It's something I want to at least try since before I found out about it I was never really happy with the standards and rules that came with being in a boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

I stayed with 2 girls in Minneapolis who constantly raved about "The Ethical Slut". I've noticed Minneapolis being a hotbed of polyamory.

 

[Gudj]

I'm sure you'll hear this alot: Polyamory is super rad when it works, but it's really hard to make work.

I don't know what relationship anarchy means.


I don't know if polyamory has a "point" to it other than being a type of relationship that works better than monogamous ones for some people. I always get annoyed when kids my age or younger are talking about how they are going to be monogamous with their partner forever. 9/10 times (or probably less), that isn't true. They break up or see other people or whatever.
My deal is that I have a partner who I really really love and do want to be with forever, however, I know that we would not be together forever if we could only be with each other. One of us would screw it up and sleep with someone else out of boredom or by mistake (and why the fuck does sleeping with someone else grounds for auto-termination of a relationship in 'normie' world?). Or, we would eventually get burned out and need a break from eachother. Or we would get in fights and maybe break up for good. Or one of us would get jealous and act shitty. Or even if none of that happened, we would both be missing out on a big part of our youths by being monogamous. We would miss out on relationships, and alot of other adventures to, feeling like we have already found the ONE person to be with.
I personally am alot less outgoing when in a monogamous relationship. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of my partner getting unreasonably jealous, or maybe it's because I'm a pervert who can't meet somebody without thinking about them sexually... I don't know.

...this is probably my most personal and rambling post so far.. sorry.

In conclusion, I am poly because it seems like the best (if not only) way for me to be in a long-term relationship without it falling apart or becoming miserable.

 

[christianarchy]

Thanks for the reply Gudj! You explain well the idea of polyamory being means to stay committed to someone (an oxymoron to the simple-minded).
If you don't mind me asking, has your partner being with other people ever made you feel crumby? Have sexual relations with people other than your main partner been unsatisfying, to the point where you regretted them?
Also, would you say that the person in a monogamous relationship who is "a pervert who can't meet somebody without thinking about them sexually" should therefore be practicing polyamory? Or can monogamous relationships be right for people with much lust?
-Christopher

 

[Gudj]

Yes there was one case where my partner being with someone else was shitty. And there have been times when my actions have made them feel shitty to. No system is perfect, and we learn from our mistakes just like everyone else. But also, we make sacrifices like everyone else. My partner has regretted sleeping with somebody else once, but it's not a common feeling for either of us. There is virtually no guilt, especially compared to monogamous relationships.
I would say yes to your question about my hypothetical pervert, but that would make me sound like a shithead. Taking a second to think about it, that person should decide what type of relationship is healthiest for them, as long as it's safe for everyone involved, and fucking do it. Although that's easier said than done sometimes, with such factors as ridicule from peers ("slut!"), artifacts of childhood religious brainwashing (no offence to you personally), and just societies habit of presenting monogamous relationships as the only option (except for m/f/f 3 way scenes in college bro movies).

 

[Monkeywrench]

My girlfriend and I are both very much anarchist, and very much in an open relationship with set parameters and "agreements", since we're no fan of "rules".

I'm going to be honest, coming from a background where I used to being strictly monogamous and throwing an absolute shitfit when there was any hint of "betrayal", it was pretty upsetting the first time she slept with someone else. But then again, it was something we hadn't discussed and pretty much assumed--being as radical as we are.

I get the same fallacy from everyone when I tell them:
"Oh yeah, polyamory is great... when it works out. But it never does." ..Yeah.

We're into each other. We share an emotional intimacy and don't believe we're each other's property or wish to police our desires according to any sort of sexual binary, or society's assumed gender roles. As long we're safe about it, and keep each other informed of what we've been up to, everything's cool.

It's like any other relationship. I love it. It works for us. But I can imagine how taxing it might be on others. It's not for everyone. My 2 cents.

 

[UrbanNokizaru]

As you get into it, pass on if the books worth picking up and maybe some info from it?
Out of curiousity, what standards/rules in the significant other thing are you referring to?

I'll put the book up in the download zone later. In terms of rules/standards I don't like the idea that you can't enjoy yourself with one person if you enjoy yourself with someone else, I feel that so many people restrict themselves needlessly because of the social standard that what feels natural is actually wrong. So many people I've talked (not just guys) to will tell me that they have to not pursue their desires because of some boyfriend/girlfriend across the country or some relationship that's going stale or even when things are just fine but they wouldn't mind trying something with someone else as well.

 

[Rash L]

i've been in an open ('swinger") relationship before... we traveled together, we both considered ourselves bisexual, and if we felt like sleeping with someone else (or a number of someone else's) we did it together. I'm not completely sure about him, but for me I trusted 100% that he loved me at the time and wouldnt be running off with someone else who had bigger tits or a smaller waist or more money/a car/a house and I never got jealous. When we started dating I thought that a lack of monogamy would be a huge problem for me, but I never felt insecure, and spent more time worrying if HE would get jealous than worrying about him leaving me. Now when I date guys and tell them this they go around looking for single girls to get me to have 3somes with (most whom I'm not attracted to) and it feels forced and fake most of the time which turns me completely off.... so I think its all about what feels right and being able to not only voice your feelings but trusting your significant other to respect those feelings, speak the truth and back off if need be.

but then, really, what do I know? haha
relationships have always been kind of a clumsy mysterious thing for me, and I doubt that will change anytime soon. I'm just learning as I go along....

One last thing -- USE CONDOMS!

 

[maemovesmadlyon]

I've explored polyamorous relationships in the past, and I've found that 2/3 times they didn't work. I don't often get jealous of my partners, and I find I can be emotionally/physically connected with more than one person at a time with quite a bit of ease. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for my significant other. I've openly discussed the idea of "free love" and polyamory with whoever I'm in a relationship with, but I've had to curb my talk with the last few partners because it makes them uncomfortable/they get jealous just thinking about me with someone else/can't get the word "cheater" out of their minds. For me, polyamory works, and it works well. That being said, it's a two-way street. If the other person can't handle it, then I drop the subject and enjoy who I'm with.

 

[BUMJUG]

i am on the same level as gudj.....tho i feel and belive in both poly and mono....it is purely circumstantial...depends on the person.....our sexual dealings with others are confusing and complex to me...i tend to just let whatever happen with little emphasis on one side or the other....

 

[stove]

I'm in an open relationship now, and it's great. It works for us because we're of similarly...curious minds, and yet have different roles in life. she's a white-collar professional whom has a job to attend to, I travel. I made it clear from the start that travel is my passion, my love, and I will always leave; she had no problem with that, and i damn near fell for her right then and there.

the first time she told me about having slept with someone, I was happy that she was comfortable enough to do so. The first time I told her that I had, she got jealous and a little pissed off. We talked about it, worked some things out, and came to an understanding.

The key, as many will say, is honesty- complete and total transparency. that being said, as she told me "the hardest truth is the morning after" (something like that). It's not easy for some people to acknowledge that, but it's a real fact. if you can establish boundaries, and abide by them, the possibilities are endless.

 

[Veil of reality]

My g/f and I have been real happy hooking up with other couples on occasion and we've been together 4 years. Never had any problems or jealousy. We fuss more about money and chores...the usual bullshit.

In fact, knowing that is something we can share is what kept us together because its hard to find.

My friends in traditional relationships are so sexually repressed I honestly feel bad for them. All they talk about is sex because in my opinion it's not natural only having it with one person for years on end.

We never had a book instructing us what to do...its pretty obvious.

It's always both of us together.
People don't contact me or her individually...they speak to us.

In my opinion it appears the masses have a tragic misconception of how sexuality works.

 

[cozmic]

I have been wanting to explore polyamory. Mostly because I found myself loving other people in my past relationships. But I could not do anything about it because I was already in a long-term monogamous relationship. Now I find myself leaning towards it even more because I like to be with multiple genders (sexually).

 

[Franny]

I personally feel that polyamory is more "natural" than monogamy, at least for me. For a lot of the reasons that Gudj mentioned, I have a primary partner and am open to others (both for me and my partner). I can't imagine having a relationship as strong and long lasting as what I have being monogamous. Everyone is different though. I think it's important to allow yourself to explore things that are new. If they don't work for you, leave them behind.

Don't get me wrong, polyamory has its problems. There's still jealousy and fighting and hurt feelings now and then. But being truthful and caring are ideals that I strive for. I don't always succeed. Like everyone, I'm a work in progress.

 

[veganscout]

Stove-I hear ya! I met my partner while I was on the road & she knows that even though I happened to fall in love along the way, I have to keep on travelin'. We are in a polyamorous ( / bisexual on my par) relationship & although it was new to her, its working wonderfully.

 

[veganscout]

...and I meant to type PART, not par lol

 

[Wolfeyes]

I have a poly relationship with someone, I hate it, and she doesn't like it much either, but she's convinced it's the best she can get(We both have our problems that I won't get into)

No matter what we say to each other, neither of us can shake the feeling of betrayal, as mentioned above.

Polyamory is what it is. For some people, it's great, others it's just all they can get, and for still others, it's hell on earth.

 

[Drunken Hearted Man]

I've tried being in a polyamorous relationship a few times, but It's never worked out. The issues we had were more a lack of communication than anything else. I think it could have worked if both of us had communicated with each other better, however neither of us are particularly good at that. we eventually just gave up on being in any kind of relationship, we enjoy being single and the freedom that entails.