S
storyofrachel
Guest
At twenty-six I've never had a girlfriend. And it seems like nobody I love ever wants me. I left Los Angeles because of a girl I was in love with, whom I'm still hung up on. She went by Kat. We met in Santa Monica.
We met in I think January, and there was what felt like a long time where we didn't really hang out, but she would show up in Palisades Park or we'd run into each other, she'd call me her hero because she was weird af and act like I was her best friend, and then she'd disappear. Some days she would come around and hang out with other people without ever asking about me or looking for me. I was in love with her and I started drinking because of her.
One day I told her I loved her, and she said "Aww" and rested her head on my shoulder and told me she was "in the process of breaking up" with her boyfriend. Then later she implied she wanted to fuck me. Then she seemed to forget all about it. She was weird. She would tell everyone things and it was hard to tell if they were true or not, and it was similarly hard to pin down how she felt about things and people. She has a lot if trauma. It's hard to explain without divulging too much personal shit about her. But that was part of what made me love her, how broken she was.
One day I went to this youth drop in thing in SM because it was raining. She was there and we hung out. We hung out a couple days. One night we almost cuddled at the bottom of a stairwell. She stroked my hair and the next morning I felt like I was happy for the first time in my adult life. She seemed to like hanging out with me. She would randomly shout "live fast die punk."
Then one day she seemed to be having a bad day. Everything was fine at first. She even made some off the wall comment about wanting to change her last name to what I'm planning to change it to. Then inside the drop in place she started wigging out, made some weird mean comments to me, and then she told me to leave her alone and threatened to stab me (she wouldn't have actually been able to, as I said she was weird and said weird things like this).
So I spent the next couple days in a mud of anger and sulking depression. I wanted to take pills and kill myself. I got drunk almost every night.
She texts me as if to say everything's fine. I decide I should leave and forget about her. I believe at this point that she doesn't want me. There's pictures on her Instagram that make me think she doesn't miss me.
I realize now that she probably just needed space. Or was having a bad day. But I left Los Angeles.
Couple weeks after I come here she texts me. I tell her I love her and she doesn't respond.
I still love her and I still visit her Instagram and make myself sad. I feel like she was perfect and I'll never find someone like her. I could hang out with her and not be annoyed too much. I never once felt anxious around her. I could be myself around her because she had the same kind of fucked up misanthropic attitude as me. She knew about my gender identity too. She gave me an alternative to hanging out with the gross chuds in Palisades Park. She had even told me she wanted me to live with her once she got housed...or live in a van together...or something.
I fantasized about her coming up here looking for me. I sent her a letter saying how I feel and I don't know if she got it. Messenger is the only way she has to contact me. I have to charge the ObamaPhone she gave me to check it but she probably didn't text me. I sent her another text a week or so ago and she didn't respond. She's still active on Instagram. She randomly deletes posts just like I do.
I don't think I'll ever find anyone like her.
We met in I think January, and there was what felt like a long time where we didn't really hang out, but she would show up in Palisades Park or we'd run into each other, she'd call me her hero because she was weird af and act like I was her best friend, and then she'd disappear. Some days she would come around and hang out with other people without ever asking about me or looking for me. I was in love with her and I started drinking because of her.
One day I told her I loved her, and she said "Aww" and rested her head on my shoulder and told me she was "in the process of breaking up" with her boyfriend. Then later she implied she wanted to fuck me. Then she seemed to forget all about it. She was weird. She would tell everyone things and it was hard to tell if they were true or not, and it was similarly hard to pin down how she felt about things and people. She has a lot if trauma. It's hard to explain without divulging too much personal shit about her. But that was part of what made me love her, how broken she was.
One day I went to this youth drop in thing in SM because it was raining. She was there and we hung out. We hung out a couple days. One night we almost cuddled at the bottom of a stairwell. She stroked my hair and the next morning I felt like I was happy for the first time in my adult life. She seemed to like hanging out with me. She would randomly shout "live fast die punk."
Then one day she seemed to be having a bad day. Everything was fine at first. She even made some off the wall comment about wanting to change her last name to what I'm planning to change it to. Then inside the drop in place she started wigging out, made some weird mean comments to me, and then she told me to leave her alone and threatened to stab me (she wouldn't have actually been able to, as I said she was weird and said weird things like this).
So I spent the next couple days in a mud of anger and sulking depression. I wanted to take pills and kill myself. I got drunk almost every night.
She texts me as if to say everything's fine. I decide I should leave and forget about her. I believe at this point that she doesn't want me. There's pictures on her Instagram that make me think she doesn't miss me.
I realize now that she probably just needed space. Or was having a bad day. But I left Los Angeles.
Couple weeks after I come here she texts me. I tell her I love her and she doesn't respond.
I still love her and I still visit her Instagram and make myself sad. I feel like she was perfect and I'll never find someone like her. I could hang out with her and not be annoyed too much. I never once felt anxious around her. I could be myself around her because she had the same kind of fucked up misanthropic attitude as me. She knew about my gender identity too. She gave me an alternative to hanging out with the gross chuds in Palisades Park. She had even told me she wanted me to live with her once she got housed...or live in a van together...or something.
I fantasized about her coming up here looking for me. I sent her a letter saying how I feel and I don't know if she got it. Messenger is the only way she has to contact me. I have to charge the ObamaPhone she gave me to check it but she probably didn't text me. I sent her another text a week or so ago and she didn't respond. She's still active on Instagram. She randomly deletes posts just like I do.
I don't think I'll ever find anyone like her.