Kat (1 Viewer)

S

storyofrachel

I deleted myself
At twenty-six I've never had a girlfriend. And it seems like nobody I love ever wants me. I left Los Angeles because of a girl I was in love with, whom I'm still hung up on. She went by Kat. We met in Santa Monica.

We met in I think January, and there was what felt like a long time where we didn't really hang out, but she would show up in Palisades Park or we'd run into each other, she'd call me her hero because she was weird af and act like I was her best friend, and then she'd disappear. Some days she would come around and hang out with other people without ever asking about me or looking for me. I was in love with her and I started drinking because of her.

One day I told her I loved her, and she said "Aww" and rested her head on my shoulder and told me she was "in the process of breaking up" with her boyfriend. Then later she implied she wanted to fuck me. Then she seemed to forget all about it. She was weird. She would tell everyone things and it was hard to tell if they were true or not, and it was similarly hard to pin down how she felt about things and people. She has a lot if trauma. It's hard to explain without divulging too much personal shit about her. But that was part of what made me love her, how broken she was.

One day I went to this youth drop in thing in SM because it was raining. She was there and we hung out. We hung out a couple days. One night we almost cuddled at the bottom of a stairwell. She stroked my hair and the next morning I felt like I was happy for the first time in my adult life. She seemed to like hanging out with me. She would randomly shout "live fast die punk."

Then one day she seemed to be having a bad day. Everything was fine at first. She even made some off the wall comment about wanting to change her last name to what I'm planning to change it to. Then inside the drop in place she started wigging out, made some weird mean comments to me, and then she told me to leave her alone and threatened to stab me (she wouldn't have actually been able to, as I said she was weird and said weird things like this).

So I spent the next couple days in a mud of anger and sulking depression. I wanted to take pills and kill myself. I got drunk almost every night.

She texts me as if to say everything's fine. I decide I should leave and forget about her. I believe at this point that she doesn't want me. There's pictures on her Instagram that make me think she doesn't miss me.

I realize now that she probably just needed space. Or was having a bad day. But I left Los Angeles.

Couple weeks after I come here she texts me. I tell her I love her and she doesn't respond.

I still love her and I still visit her Instagram and make myself sad. I feel like she was perfect and I'll never find someone like her. I could hang out with her and not be annoyed too much. I never once felt anxious around her. I could be myself around her because she had the same kind of fucked up misanthropic attitude as me. She knew about my gender identity too. She gave me an alternative to hanging out with the gross chuds in Palisades Park. She had even told me she wanted me to live with her once she got housed...or live in a van together...or something.

I fantasized about her coming up here looking for me. I sent her a letter saying how I feel and I don't know if she got it. Messenger is the only way she has to contact me. I have to charge the ObamaPhone she gave me to check it but she probably didn't text me. I sent her another text a week or so ago and she didn't respond. She's still active on Instagram. She randomly deletes posts just like I do.

I don't think I'll ever find anyone like her.
 
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Coywolf

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This is a great post, thanks for sharing. It sounds really close to a story about a woman I fell in love with years ago. I can't shake the the feeling no matter how hard i try, and its been years .

My only advice would be true to yourself, and don't cause yourself further emotional pain, if you do not feel she puts the same amount of energy into loving you, as you do loving her.

But if you feel there is something there it may happen someday. These situations are always hard, especially with someone you connect with so well.
 

roughdraft

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thanks for getting this off yr chest and putting it out there. i can feel it.

I've been down this road to varying lengths with a few different girls and as strange as it may seem to anybody else meeting and spending time with each of them is still incredibly significant to me - no matter how difficult it can be to spend time with this type of person, your feelings don't cheapen. yet in every case I've experienced this I haven't found anything I'd call...adequately functional..such as to say consistently reciprocal

we're all tiny in this world and a deep loving connection like this matters so much ' but when the other person is too unstable with you, you just gotta hold on to the good parts and learn from the bad while you head on your own way
 

Juan Derlust

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This is what distinguishes us from the so-called lower-order animals - while fight-or-flight response indicates some kind of awareness we're all doomed, human beings seem particularly prone to lament this. In short, these are test-patterns to fine-tune your joy/despair receptors. One way or another, everything passes - the trick is figuring how to ride it out.
On another note, I think I might have seen you at Palisades Park a while back; I didn't say hello because I was with a woman and I didn't want a bunch of nonsense interrogation - there you have it!

Incidentally, I'm exactly twice as old as you - so feel free to completely disregard whatever nonsense I'm spouting...
 
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siid

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dont fuckin worry about it
sorry dude.

same happened to me in seattle, and as much as i felt it in my heart, i had to kickstart my brain so i could think with that instead, so i ran away to Nola from the trainwreck of a situation. Same as you, opposite directions Haha.

he would also say and do things, then act totally different the next day, then say them again. It was weird. he was also addicted to heroin for years, and it was evident he didnt care to love anything more than that. Or he did but I think he knew better. Plus thats a dark road to go down with a person. And i think he knew that too.

it sucked, he was the only person i connected with in a looong time. Several months later, i still think about it. I can see the situation logically from the outside, but that still doesnt feel any less shitty. I couldnt talk to anyone about it either because I know exactly what it sounds like, the next few months i felt alone surrounded by way too many people feeling understimulated and disconnected, thinking i was too quick to jump ship. But it was the right time, before things got any worse. So im glad you’re able to talk about it here. Good advice from @Coywolf , @rana y sapo , @palmazon nice guys all of you for how youve responded , hope this helps you morgan

it takes time i guess, but even then, sometimes it wont really leave your brain but maybe youll have a different perspective and feel more at peace with your feelings. it sucks. all the advice in the world wont help, its hard to think rationally when your feelings are so overpowering. i dont know. Same boat. Hope you soon feel at peace with your decision to leave, i think you did the right thing for yourself.
 

Tude

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:( sorry - hope you meet up. Going to move this thread to missed connections. Good luck. :)
 
OP
D

Deleted member 20683

I deleted myself
i can relate to the heartache, but it sounds like this person is pretty unstable. i used to over-idealize and romanticize people i met when we were both in vulnerable and self-destructive places, sometimes hanging on their every word and paying a bunch of unsolicited attention to them. sometimes even convincing myself they were "perfect", "unique", "saving my life", "rly loved me back just needed some time to get her shit together", etc....i'm not going to say it was all a waste of time but none of it worked out and i learned some hard lessons eventually about relying on myself. it's easy to see someone as the answer to all your problems when you are a couple of damaged souls trying to get along in the world, but that is a lot of weight to put on a relationship.
 

Dameon

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This is going to come out as harsh, because it is, but two facts: This girl sounds like 20 kinds of crazy, and you don't know her well enough to be in love with her. She's clearly cut ties with you, and sending her letters and texting about how much you love her is not going to do either of you any good. Take the hint, and move on, and don't fetishize and obsess over what you had.
 

Beegod Santana

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I'm with Dameon on this one. Best thing you can do is move on. Nobody ever wants to hear it but there are plenty of fish in the sea and honestly it sounds like this girl just liked how obsessed you where getting with her. Also, if looking at her social media makes you depressed, then fucking stop looking at it.
 

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