Im only 28 and i feel like i have wasted my life...

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#1
So i dont really know where to begin with this, but its something i have been wanting to get opinions on for a long time. So here it goes.

I dont really know when my life went wrong but i guess it started in the beginning. My parents are/were drug addicts, my dad just passed recently indirectly from his addiction. He murdered in the county jail. So anyway growing up sucked we were very poor lots of violence and arguing fighting in the home. My parents lost custody of me finally when i was 13. My high school years sucked i was pretty much an outcast. suffered from depression and anxiety. i had very few real friends and only dated a few girls. One i really fell hard for typical rebellious punk chick got me into alot of trouble.I actually caught a domestic violence case from that relationship, not what your thinking it was a verbal argument that got trumped up. I ended up having to drop out of high school to do Jail time for that senior year. Thankfully i went back and got a GED.

Flash forward a year, my grandfather passed and left me 65 thousand dollars,you think id be smart enough to go to college or invest the money but no. I proceed to move in with my father and through some shady friends fell really deep into Booze,Coke,MDMA,LSD,Meth. i dated around casually in tell i met the girl who i really fell hard for and ended up marrying. In hindsight this was a terrible idea it was a drug infused thing we were both addicts. She ended up reforming and getting really into Christianity, she gave me the ultimatum to either sober up or she was going to leave me. I couldn't sober up and she left we haven't spoke since.

I had a nervous breakdown after that tried to kill myself several times. continued to abuse drugs and alcohol for years.i ended up like destitute homeless. more suicide attempts. Went to rehab several times. dirfted al over the country hitchhiking i felt so lost...

So anyway flash forward more im 28 now Behavioral health in this County, Ventura County CA. managed to get me into a sober living house "there currently paying my rent" tell i can either get SSI or get better enough mentally to get a job. I firmly do believe i have Mental and addiction issues. Im diagnosed With Bipolar I. taking Wellbutrin, Seroquil, Depakote and Gabapentin. all of which ive been taking for years and am hooked on. I believe the diagnoses tho my Paternal grandfather on my mothers side was Bipolar I and Killed myself.

Im very depressed ive been sober for over 5 months, and feel terrible. I feel as if im a failure. Ive only had a handful of unskilled labor jobs, never went to any secondary education. I have no clue if im ever going to be able to have a decent life and on top of that. Im just so lonely, ever since my divorce i feel like ive been trying to fill that whole in my heart with someone else and they never come around. I think that im physically unattractive. I hjust feel so lost.

If anyone can give me any advice it would be great...

best

-Rex-
 
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#2
Hey mate, I'm sorry for how you're feeling these days and all the shit that's happened to you, I really am. I can relate to your situation a fair bit (of course not entirely): I grew up in an abusive household, been fighting depression, anxiety for a good decade now, been on meds for a while, dropped out of post-secondary, got into drugs and destroyed a few relationships because of it.

I actually made a thread about the relationship part recently and I'm happy to say that everyone who responded was absolutely amazing and I'm really glad I posted it. The lesson I took away from that thread, is that it's perfectly fine to feel bad about something shitty you've done because it'll spawn change and personal growth. But you have to forgive yourself at some point too. Without forgiving yourself, you'll never be able implement this growth. How you actually do this can be detailed in many professional resources. But in general, just putting your energy and focus into forgiveness will yield results.

I'm going out on a limb with this part but I think it's important not to tie self-worth into standardized education, income, job status, hockey card collection or any of that bullshit. I think this community itself is a great example of that, damn near everyone here has eschewed the "typical" meaning of success and lives by their own rules. I'm hitting the road in literally two days and I can't wait to start dumpstering, because living relatively comfortably off the waste and excess of others is... "success" to me :)

Stephen
 
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Sexyrexy1989
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#3
Yah brother in response to that last paragraph you wrote. It seems the only thing i caneven relate to is that time i spent traveling around, I guess it did bring me alittle happiness. I basically gave up the drugs and was just drinking.

Yah it is true life shouldent be entirely based on a persons pocket book or the size of there house, how many kids they have etc. Its just hard man just about everyone i new with the exception of a few people are doing really well. And seem legitimately happy.

I guess the reason the divorce hit me so hard was that, i always wanted a family that i could give to them what i never got that love and caring i never got, And as i get older i just feel as if its never going to happen.

Best,

-Rex-
 
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#4
While travelling isn't absolutely necessary, it sure makes personal growth easier because it strips down everything to the essentials, the bare minimum, fewest distractions. I can relate to the family part, I was hell bent on family too. And when that relationship ended, I was like "fuck, there goes my chance". I've since changed my attitude on family but I also don't look at like it was a one-time opportunity gone by. If that's important to you, then becoming that kind of stable provider should be your focus rather than dwelling on the past. I know that's extremely oversimplified but that's what you should shift your attention to.

Comparing yourself to others is never a good thing. I'm certainly guilt of that. In this context, it could give you some motivation but it's best to keep it to a minimum. Only you can live your life, right? Personally, I feel that this is an ass-backwards world where people are starving to death, but we're more concerned about upgrading our Iphone than sponsoring a goat to feed them. I can't relate to the majority of people and I hope that I never will. That being said, it's useless to compare myself to others, with the exception of the kool people here on StP haha!
 
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#5
Man, don't beat yourself up. I've contemplated suicide too , hard, many times, and I actually feel like more of a loser for lacking the balls to ever try.
Look at it this way: you are in a situation where you have options-what to do, what path to take. I suggest thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail. You'll meet awesome people and you can do it for almost no money through hiker boxes. You'll feel awesome physically every day due to constant exercise walking.
Nature heals. Or try working on some sort of cooperative farm.
Keep your head up, the world is yours.
 

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#6

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#7
Sometimes it can be very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I understand heartache and the feeling of being broken and lost. There is nothing I can say that will change your current situation however all is not lost.

You're still a young man that has a good future ahead of him. I would suggest not being so hard on yourself and remember to give yourself a chance. Happiness starts within and it sounds like that maybe is something you should work on.

Take baby steps, one step at a time and change the things that your able to change that are within your reach. I know this is much harder said than done sometimes.

You have a entire journey waiting to unfold. The world is not going to meet you half way, if you want it, you will have to fight for it and take it. You have to keep pushing and pushing, if you get kicked to your knees then you find a way to keep moving forward, if life knocks you to the ground then you crawl.

You can do this brother. From what I read in your post you seem intelligent and have the desire to change and make things better and for that I have great respect for you.

Remember that pain is only temporary and this will pass someday. IF you ever need a person to talk to understand that your always welcome to message me and other people on this site. There is a lot of people on this site that have been were your at and understand that you're not alone. Safe travels friend.
 
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#8
I have a lot in common with you, Rex. I have a whole physiological, emotional mode where I feel like my life was just a series of delusional mistakes, like the feeling of knowing you are lost somewhere and that your choices to navigate back, just to square one, are dragging you further from it. It can be like a permanent, long term panic. I get exhausted from that and sleep constantly.

This site isn't god, but it is as good as gold. So many people here actually know how to be supportive and encouraging. It seems to me mostly like a support group for the people most abused by the system. Talk to people here, find people you can talk to a lot; but get out there too.

Try to stay out of debt. Do everything in your power to protect your own physical health. Don't let the system make you feel like a lesser person; which is almost all behavioral health/ jail/ etc is designed to do. Find some negotiated settlement with your own mental health care, if you have a label on you be wary of going unmedicated.

School isn't great, but if you can find a job or something that can pay for it, it can be something productive to do, something new to learn about that you don't have the discipline to just self-learn, and something to keep you organized and out of trouble. It can be a checkup on your general ability to function. I'm saying that to myself; I need to go back and take advantage of some free tuition I have.

I can't be too helpful about starting a family; my wife just left me for someone and I'm going through all the stuff you talked about myself, losing your one shot, all of that. It's biology. It's how our bodies connect us to other people, when we lose that connection I think that's like the most painful form of withdrawal in the world.

If you are coming from a positive angle and putting yourself into situations that require effort, people will respond to you better. That could mean church or community stuff or sports or school or training programs, just anyplace you can be around other people and be welcomed as a participant. If you have philosophical objections to the ideologies of the places you have access to, sometimes its meaningful to abstain, but frequently you are just cutting off your nose to spite your face. I know I do that all the time.

And if you ever find anything that works for you, please share it with me, and all the people here who might have need of it. I know I do, and will.
 
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Sexyrexy1989
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#9
Yah after being on the psych meds for a number of years i often regretted that deicision. They worked very, very well initially in the beginning but these days i almost feel like i get this rebound withdrawal from them. I know when i stop taking them for a day or two i definitely get withdrawal. Every time i ever talk to my psych about wanting to stop them tho she just says it would take to long to taper and in my case wouldnt be a good idea anyway.

I honestly think as far as my mental health and life goes mayby just moving to a smaller town back east mayby in the south or the Appalachian region would be nice. Unfortunately im already in debt alot of debt i dont think i will ever be able to freee myself from in my lifetime.

I would like to go back in get an education but i fear going cause once again i just think id end up flunking out. mayby i just need to take baby steps on things like that.

I dont know
 
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#10
If you haven't got an education yet, hopefully that means your debt isn't nondischargeable. That word should really be in the StP dictionary, hmmm. RIght now you are living in program housing and you appear to be pretty flat broke with bad prospects. That means this is the absolute best time to try and do something about your debt! A lot of your creditors might accept pennies on the dollar if you simply write to them and try and haggle; there should be guides on less anti-authoritarian sites you can pull up. Plus there's bankruptcy; I wouldn't advocate getting a lawyer in your situation but you are going to have to systematically go through all the issues in your life and see which ones are the low hanging fruit for you. Shake the tree. Try and see what skills you might possess and not know that could help you, bureaucratically. Phone skills. Legal document skills. Filling out simple form skills. Finding public resource skills. Budget skills- which is mainly just being tight with money. You have been through the system a little so you should be familiar with legal aid and things like that. It isn't fun going hat in hand begging from the state, but just try and think of it like spanging by filling out forms. You are going to have to find a happy medium of self-care or self-reliance in the infinite crushing tedium of western bureaucracy, which I swear must be a reptilian plot to put Temple Grandin blinders on the path to the killing floor of modern civilization. Sorry for the rhetorical flourish.

And, you can always follow the example of some of the luminaries of this community, tell the man to fuck off and become part of the hunter-gatherer tribe living off of society instead of within it. I can't make that choice for you and I think everybody has to balance the things they want to keep in their own life differently; nobody is purely within civilization as a perfect drone or ever totally emancipated from it.

When I say take your mental health in your own hands, that is where it has always been. So much of it is placebo and self-suggestion; if you feel the drugs are helping you, they are, and if you feel they aren't, they aren't. If you are feeling up to the defiance, take a pill cutter and taper yourself. But find something that makes you feel more stabilized, something that you truly believe is medicine in your heart and not a drug to keep you drugged so the people who are supposed to care for you won't have to deal with your suffering. For me, that is lithium. Measure out the amount of honesty and the kind of truth you tell to care providers. Much more than jail, doctors are there to teach you how authority works in polite society in the sense that society must be a scaffold made of lies and flattering cues. Authority means the conveying of information in one direction, and most every professional principally expects you to OBEY and watches and listens to you only to measure your consent. If you can learn to lie effectively to your doctors, you can learn to function socially in any number of similar white collar or bourgeois situations. In a discussion with my own therapist today, one point we agreed on was that sanity is what is socially permissible. Paying attention to that, remembering not to violate other people's imaginary boundaries, even if you aren't bothering anybody or doing any harm, matters a lot more than whether or not your beliefs are at all rational or okay. Nobody who calls the cops, cares about you as an individual; they care about themselves. It's hard not becoming an introvert when you have a label on you that lasts a lifetime and 90% of people will discriminate against you for. Find your own functional social camouflage. For me that was a working class manual labor career.

If you can find a trade school or apprenticeship program that seems doable or interesting, especially one that gives you a little mobility back, that might be the best bet as far as beginning both an education and all that is supposed to come with it. You might be able to find one where you don't have to pay for it; it might feel like slave labor but at least you might learn a skill and get an accreditation you could take somewhere else where you didn't feel so bad about it.

Just; find a way to be happy- or to get out of your own disengaged moods, get engaged, and busy in your own life. Reach out to people; look for ways to do that, build a support structure for yourself just like millions of other people are out there looking for every day. That's what creates online communities like this one. Reach out to me and write and I will write back because I need a support structure too. I couldn't do the dishes for weeks until one of my online buddies kept me company in my kitchen today, as if everything in the world was a haunted house I was too scared to go in without a friend. Keep doing the social engineering attack until your privileges in the system are restored. Figure out where to knock on society's doors until you feel like you are safely back inside; or if you don't want to end up a housie like me, bang on the doors to get out- but you have to learn where you can ask, who you can ask, where you can get away with what. You also have to learn what you want, and nothing helps with that more than talking to other people, because that's how you realize what is valuable to you, when you see it in someone else.
 
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#11
I've been thru a lot of this and known so many others who have as well.
We seem to live in a country that doesn't take young people serious until they are about your age and then acts like they are over the hill when they turn 45.

I think, from the way you sound to me, you are passing thru your first age and moving into the second. The third age will start at 50. People tend to see themselves quite often in a world of death in mid 20's as older family members begin to die off and with that follows a kind of loneliness, which can lead to depression, As you start into a downward spiral it happens kind of slow at first, but the deeper you go the faster the decent takes place. It leads people to getting down on themselves and having issues with every aspect of their being.

I feel for your loss of inheritance but under the circumstances that would be expected. To leave a large sum of money to someone who has no financial education or is prepared to handle money is inviting that outcome. Just chalk it up to experience and move on. This often happens to movie stars the same way. Anyone with big sums of money will attract parasites who want to crowbar money out of them by selling them drugs or getting them into supporting their habits such as alcohol will come out from under the woodwork and suck the life and money out of you.

As bad as the situation may look and feel right now, you've seen and done a lot of living that most suburban kids whose folks keep them in the sheltered path will never know. As you are entering your second age now you know what to avoid. You are more street wise than most
will ever be. So now will be the time to begin to turn things around.

There are many jobs in Agriculture now that are unfilled. Jobs where you may learn and be paid while learning. It is a life where you are around some people with a sense of community and you can make a living. Even travel between crops if you have the right skills. Then you may have free time to travel some to get a new perspective. One of the things Mark Twain pointed out in the late 1800's as the industrial revolution was starting up and the "seniority system" was imposed to keep people tied to their jobs was that modern men didn't have time to get away from their jobs and gain a new perspective. So if you can hang on and begin to use what you've learned so far in life, get into the right channels of life, then you may find happiness and security.

You may be eligible for counseling in various forms too. As for work and school, most of the jobs that will be opening will only require 2 year degrees. Many of these have placement once you graduate
so you'll be working soon after you leave school.

If there is a big secret in life it is that most of are actually better than we think we are. We just need to find out what it is that we would be best at..
 

junkpolecat99

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#12
That's an incredible story. I feel like I've wasted my life too, being poor and having no work ethic whatsoever and getting by from my parents financial help. You've had it way easier than me but I really struggle with loneliness and depression and can't stand the idea of a sober living house - which is the type of situation I probably need most is a rehab or transitional living type of facility where people have group therapy and take care of each other and socialize. I am isolated and have no hope of finding a living situation that meets my needs.
I have no confidence or motivation to get a better job and I'm terrified to take any risks.
 

junkpolecat99

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#13
... I guess you could say my problems started in my mid 20s as I totally failed to transition to any type of long-term stable adult lifestyle. I take effexor 150mg at night - I've beent taking it since I was 16, and now I take Trileptal 300mg twice a day as a mood stabilizer (doesn't do anything)
 

junkpolecat99

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#14
I wish there was sober living or transitional housing places that allowed marijuana use or even occasional, responsible alcohol use. It's an all or nothing illusion and fantasy from the world of addiction treatment and the cult of alcoholics anonymous.
 
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#15
I like the concept of phases to life where there is this liminal state where we are vulnerable, entering adulthood, leaving being "young," entering old age, etc. I think it corresponds to something real that is as much about the life cycle of the organism as it is part of the social reality i.e. mid-life crises and the like.

Most major mental illness of the severe kind were always typically diagnosed in the early twenties, or thereabouts. I've always felt most of that was people who absolutely didn't fit the circumstances they were growing up in and couldn't thrive in them, and was really almost entirely the fault of the environment and the people constructing it.

Wasting your life is a strange thought, to an extent- and so is trying to better it- it's a reflection on your existence that is always conscious, always cultural, always rooted in language and narrative and your "idea" of who you are and how you can alter that to your best advantage. It's a waking dream, really, and almost a harmful one, to swim totally in your sense of success or failure- but it is impossible to resist, I think in some ways. I'm sure someone here knows some esoteric guided technique for preventing oneself from dreaming, but I don't and I doubt it's existence for myself. Likewise I have trouble imagining I could "not care" what people think. To me it is sanity, the only real sanity check- what am I from the other perspective? How would something independent of me perceive me?

I think the largest "good" for anyone's general welfare means finding where and how they can get away with being themselves openly in the context of that collective sanity check from all the other (basically insane) individuals in the world. That means forcing yourself into confrontation with it, to whatever extent is necessary to learn the tools to negotiate your way to a fulfilling set of things you can do with your time. If you have to ever think about how you can't do something you really want to, that would make you happy, because of other people, you have to find a way around that and treat it as an obstacle you must move past and not be directed by.

The worst and only trick to accomplishing that is finding a way to use that senseless panic to motivate yourself forwards. That requires a sense of purpose, a confidence, and a plan for yourself which really has to be irrational on some level. You need to form a belief system which is an operating system that allows you to thrive, and in almost every case you are guessing blindly what thriving would really be for you. It's a leap of faith on oneself- in order to not be crazy, you have to be crazy about yourself. I loathe words and phrases like self-love and self-care, but I think there is an epiphany and a moment of clarity and eureka somewhere between your mind and your eyes in your reflection, and some sense of path or purpose we would all choose for ourselves in that moment of recognition if we only saw it appear.

The only thing I know about all this, is that I have to keep trying; and mostly that is socially trying, to be a friendly mr community person who shows up and volunteers and participates, until I can find some hint through word of mouth and hearsay of where there is any place I can really go. Honestly it makes me miserable right now, hell is other people and all. But I see no other way. I think that might be what you have to find, a path of your own resignation.
 
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