i reeeealy need some help

[marc]

theres this kid ive known for about 4 years. weve had alot of good memories and shit and i would consider him one of my best friends. hes beating and mentally abusing his wife and ive known her for probably the past 3 1/2 years. tonight i went and chilled with him after about 2 years of not talking and the first few hours were all cool till he got really drunk and started bitching at his wife and i just ignored it until he started REALLY bitching her out for no reason. me being drunk and not taking shit i bitched him out and we almost fought even though hes alot bigger than me and could beat my ass. i just really hated the fact she was going through all this abuse for no reason since shes a really cool girl. i bitched the kid out and walked down his steps to fight him but he just went back inside his house and never did anything. i really dont know what to do. i cant call the cops because its against all of my beliefs but then again i really dont want to get a bunch of people and beat his ass. i know i cant talk any sense into him and it seems like the only way is to beat some sense into him but then again he is one of my old friends and it seems like it would be pretty fucked up to beat him. i really dont know what to do. if anyone could help me out it would make shit alot easier i really dont know what to do. hes with a really cool girl who is also a old friend of mine and i really hate to see her get abused like this. any response will help out.. thanks.

 

[BrokeWhiteBoy]

Talk to him when he is sober, just keep calm and kinda ask him if there is anything you can do to help. Try keeping the blame offa him. Just kinda lay it out that you wanna help him be more respectful of the girl. If he is too hard-headed about it, I would talk to the chick. Don't let the guy know, and see if she wants help, if she honestly doesn't, there isn't much you can do. If she is unsure, or does want help, work with her on what she wants to do.

This is a tough situation, I've been in it myself. Your friendship with the guy will probably be over. Just know that if you can help and she, or he for that matter, wants help do what you can.

(following bit may sound all psychiatric like, but it's the best I know)
It seems like the guy may just have some personal issues that he doesn't know how to deal with so he takes it out on who ever is weaker and convenient. Getting her outta the situation would help her, and just kinda being there for the guy to talk to would probably be the best thing you can do.

I hope it works out for the better.

 

[marc]

the thing is i cant talk to him about it because he wont listen and she wont listen to anything anyone has to say. she was sitting there tonight bitching about how he hit her but she was laughing about it. its really weird how their relationship works. he sits there and abuses her but she just takes it because she has noone else and if she loses him then she has noone. she will be talking to me and he just tells her shut the fuck up im saying something and she will just shut up like its nothing. she really has noone she can depend on. her mom had her when she was 16 or 17 and she doesnt know who her dad is, her grandparents are yuppie pieces of shit who treat her like shit. all she really knows is being treated like shit and its sad because shes such a cool girl and she deserves so much better. i just wish she could have someone who treated her like she should be treated and not like shit.

 

[BrokeWhiteBoy]

. . . i just wish she could have someone who treated her like she should be treated and not like shit.

That's kinda what I meant. Just be there for her, and kinda help her get away from what she has. I don't mean in a way that could make her think you are trying to hook up with her. Just kinda be a friend and such. The guy, sounds like he has her beat down into submission to where she won't do anything that may make him mad.

I think since right now she doesn't wanna get help, the best you can do is just let her know if she needs anything or changes her mind to just ask you. Be there for her if she wants you to be, otherwise, just kinda remove yourself from them. It sucks bad, it's hard to deal with and it hurts, I know that, but you can't help those that don't want help.

 

[kai]

i know a guy who did 6 months time for being in the same situation as you and beating the shit out of the guy when he hit his partner. When it went to court she testified against him on behalf of her abusive boyfriend.

He's not gonna realize he's an asshole until HE realizes he's an asshole. I've known my fair share of asshole alcoholics, and until they are willing to take personal responsibility nothing is gonna make them change, your words will probably just be blown off (doesnt mean you cant try).

Same goes for her. She isn't gonna change till she wants to, and if she's defending him still, she probably will continue to, I think alot of people thrive on pain and being in shitty situations. It's a hard known fact by anyone trying to keep someone on their feet that you can't help anyone who isn't willing to help themselves, so if it means totally consuming yourself to the point you begin to get fucked up on her half, let her have her shitty life and make yourself available for when she wants help.

 

[marc]

im sober now and ive realized i cant really do shit about her situation and im hopping out today anyways so whatever. hopefully she will come to her senses and dump him

 

[Mouse]

there's really not much you can do.

she'll either smarted up and fly off or stay stupid and get beat. it's up to her not you.

and he won't change. they never do.


trust me, i've been in a bunch of relationships that turned abusive and the only solution is to leave the fucker. sometimes it's hard to leave. some chick never do.

 

[finn]

There's a saying about old friends being the worst, because you two were different people when you two became friends, and maybe also because you may not have been that good at choosing friends back then. So, I have to agree with everyone here- you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, you can only make yourself available for when they need it.

 

[veggieguy12]

Have to agree with others, I think the only chance of remedy is for her to leave. That might get him to change, but an ass wuppin' won't.

Tell her she deserves better, is worth more, should assert herself, etc. Especially if it's true. And how about refusing to drink w/ your buddy, that seems to be a part of the problem, no?

If the two of them continue that situation, you're probably best to accept it as is, or say goodbye to them as pals and walk.