How to deal with boyfriend drinking too much and me being homeless and leaving him?

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#1
Me and my boyfriend are currently homeless, his cousin was kind enough to give us her floor to sleep on untill we get apartment, but my bf is starting to fuck this up for me, he's getting super drunk, saying and doing embrassing things when we go there, his cousin said if one us goes drunk again, she is gonna let us sleep outside in the cold , i dont understand why my bf is drinking so much again, like nothing wrong with partying occasionally, but he is going overboard and its not fun anymore to party with him anymore, he's forgetting to do things that we are suppose to be doing, like going apartment hunting and looking for work, i ended up following him around yesterday in fear that i would lose him for a day or two, cuz thats what happens when we drink, and he knows im homeless with no where to go, sure i might be able to go to his cousins, but it feels uncomfortable without him, like i know she wants to help us, and wants us, more or less being there, then me. And yesterday he was being very emotionally abusive towards my feelings of anxiety and depression, I don't know what to do with him, he's always taken care of me, been there, but for the past day or two, he's been acting really mean, inconsiderate, disrespect and embrassing towards me, i dont want to stay at the shelter house, but where i'm to go, i dont have my family in my life, cuz they hate my bf and they wont help me cuz i love my bf, like when he's sober, he's so sweet and loving to me, does almost everything for me, but now that he's getting super drunk, he's in his own world and seems like i dont matter to him anymore. I don't want to break up with him, but i cant stand being with him when he's drunk, but im also scared to be alone on the streets if i do lose him too, what should i do people?
 

mono

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#2
if this continues you should probably leave him - being alone might be bad, but if the guy is being abusive you need to get out of there. it might give him the newsflash he needs to stop being shitty, or he might react badly, but you can't stay with him if he's being like this

"he's sweet when he's not being awful!" is how people end up feeling trapped in abusive relationships. seen it a lot of times already.
 
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#3
im thinking that i might just ask my moms friend to stay with her, if he continues acting like a ass towards me, just might take off on him, maybe when he's sober, he will miss and wonder about me but yeah im not trying to make excuses, but yeah we been together for 3 years, and this is like the third time him acting like a total asshole to me, like i know this isnt really him, i know its his drinking making him this way, maybe i should just straight up tell, if he continues treating me bad when drunk, i will just take off on him and tell him im gonna sleep outside, in a way im scared to do it, but alot of women sleep on the streets, just need to find somewhere safe, get some type of pepper spray or something right.
 

ClashCityRkr

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#4
If you can't convince him to sober up then things are only going to get worse. With a lot of problem drinkers it's like black and white. They're great people until they get drunk and then they're someone else entirely.

You need to consider your own personal safety and well-being here. It might be hard, but if love won't make him change, only rock bottom will, and you might not wanna have to deal with the fallout. It may be in your best interests to go. Yes, maybe missing you will make him change, but also maybe not. You gotta do what's best for you.
 

jimi

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#5
Tell him that he's ABUSIVE when he drinks. Tell him if he doesn't stop drinking IMMEDIATELY you'll dump him. If he doesn't, DUMP HIM.
 
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#6
In vino veritas

In vino veritas, also written as in uino ueritas, is a Latin phrase that means "in wine lies the truth", suggesting a person under the influence of alcohol is more likely to speak their hidden thoughts and desires. (Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_vino_veritas)

Meaning ... alcohol makes people loose their inhibitions.

So ... under influence some people may get aggressive ... others will get abusive ... others will just get clumpsy and fall asleep. Others will just do things they never would do while sober. Like perhaps shoplifting because they are in the mood. Even if it's not really making sense. (Speaking of experience ;) )

In wine (alcohol) lies the truth

Just my two cents of thought.
 
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#7
It's unfortunate you're still in Canada. At least being in the Southern part of America affords you the opportunity to stay warm longer, plus the social services seems to be much better than your area.

In terms of your BF, it does suck to see someone you love slowly erode before your eyes. If you've done all you could to help him slow down, and he refuses to do so, you should probably leave the situation before it drags you away from your goals.

Believe me when I say it usually doesn't get better until they're ready.
 
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#8
your job is not to help him with his drinking, it is to take care of yourself first and foremost. if you can unambiguously describe him as abusive, you need to draw a hard line. he is abusing you and he sounds like an addict, you don't deserve to have to deal with that- no one does.
 

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#9
In vino veritas

In vino veritas, also written as in uino ueritas, is a Latin phrase that means "in wine lies the truth", suggesting a person under the influence of alcohol is more likely to speak their hidden thoughts and desires. (Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_vino_veritas)

Meaning ... alcohol makes people loose their inhibitions.

So ... under influence some people may get aggressive ... others will get abusive ... others will just get clumpsy and fall asleep. Others will just do things they never would do while sober. Like perhaps shoplifting because they are in the mood. Even if it's not really making sense. (Speaking of experience ;) )

In wine (alcohol) lies the truth

Just my two cents of thought.

You are wise; many should listen.
 

roughdraft

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#10
i used to think the saying 'in wine lies the truth' or the americanized bastardization 'alcohol is a truth serum' was corny or too simple to be real but as time goes on I have to agree.

in some cases it's a good or OK unveiling of the person but I got in a house with some folks a couple years back who had this fetiche for being grimy assholes and wanting me to 'bully back' - seemingly all in an oblivious way - I'd rather not. let alone the people who just wanna raaage but it doesn't involve dancing or laughing.

wishing you the best results jettisoning yourself from the situation you are in .. it will be difficult but you may find it is not as bad as you fear.. it's so nice to separate from these very toxic people
 
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#11
i used to think the saying 'in wine lies the truth' or the americanized bastardization 'alcohol is a truth serum' was corny or too simple to be real but as time goes on I have to agree.
It really is a truth serum.

Tell him that he's ABUSIVE when he drinks. Tell him if he doesn't stop drinking IMMEDIATELY you'll dump him. If he doesn't, DUMP HIM.
I disagree. Not with the DUMP HIM part, though. I really beliefe in that "in vino veritas" saying. Meaning: if you have to tell your partner he/she needs to stop drinking cause he/she is abusive when drunk ... there is something wrong in the first place. I mean that's like telling someone "I know you are latent abusive, so please don't drink so you can keep it under control" ... Or am I wrong?

It's good to be together with people you can have fun with when all are drunk ... even if it leads to some crazy bullshit. ;) But people who get aggressive, abusive and so on when drunk ... I would always stay away from. Cause they are like that even when not drunk, they just can hide those sides of their personality better when sober.

Just my opinion.
 

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#12
i used to think the saying 'in wine lies the truth' or the americanized bastardization 'alcohol is a truth serum' was corny or too simple to be real but as time goes on I have to agree.
It makes sense when you consider that alcohol lowers inhibitions, including the inhibitions preventing us from behaving in ways we want to deep down, but don't for a variety of reasons.
 

roughdraft

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#13
It makes sense when you consider that alcohol lowers inhibitions, including the inhibitions preventing us from behaving in ways we want to deep down, but don't for a variety of reasons.
it's a good, solid point - unfortunately we may not be sure what will come out
 

eli

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#14
I really sympathize with how terrifying it can be to be trapped, by emotions or circumstances in a relationship that is dragging you down. A lot of folks are recommending you take some space or end the relationship. I know first hand how terrifying that can be, especially when you don't have a lot of stability otherwise, but it does sound like a valid option. I know that a lot of folks, myself in the past included, deal with depression by drinking. To really get to the root of depression, you often have to make some changes in your life, and it's definitely not your responsibility to do that work for your partner. It may be best to let them know how their behavior is affecting you, and make a commitment to leaving and doing what you need to do to get yourself into a better position, if things don't improve. I really wish you luck.
 
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#15
As someone in "recovery" my advice to you is that you cant change him.You can issue all the ultimatums you want ,unless he is ready to stop he wont.Sounds lile things for him are only going to get worse.Your best bet,open a phonebook look up a battered womans shelter and al-Anon.This probably wont be a popular comment but you dont need this nor do you deserve it.You cant fix something that doesnt want to be fixed
 

roughdraft

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#16
i second attending an Al-Anon meeting. even if you're not attracted to the idea of 12 steps or a higher power...you can benefit significantly if you can overlook the extra shit..

edit: I know I did so I'm a witness and feel free to DM me on the topic @Childgoddess
 
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#17
i think the question of whether or not alcohol is a "truth serum" is doubftul, but mostly it's totally beside the point, because it's making arguments about different levels of a person that already don't matter when their outer level is drunk. this isn't about whether some "inner truth" is being unveiled; the outer truth, the surface truth, is bad enough - the person in question is addicted, abusive and dangerous. addictive behavior doesn't just go away unless the person suffers consequences. it doesn't matter whether or not they are "really a good person deep down" because it is easy to see that in someone when you want to, it may even be true, but even if so, that person will keep getting drowned out by booze.
 
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#18
My opinion is that if I knowingly subject myself to an abusive situation, this is the same as me abusing myself. And I cannot be treating myself with respect if I am abusing myself.

I have no power or control over other people and their behaviors. They can do whatever they want. What they can't do is spend time with me and be abusive towards me, because I will not remain in that situation because I cannot abuse myself and respect myself simultaneously.

Trying to convince other people to modify their behavior is a waste of time and energy in my opinion. The reasons why someone is getting drunk and abusive are largely irrelevant from my point of view. Even if I have the ability to counsel them and help them get out of this behavior, it is not appropriate to do so because of the relationship we are in whether it's friend, lover, or family.

A drunk abusive person will either get help and get their shit together, or they won't. You will either tolerate their abuse or you won't. No amount of discussion will have any impact unless the drunk abusive person first realizes and accepts responsibility for their unacceptable behavior and then figures out on their own how to fix whatever is causing it.

Until these conditions are met, the person has not accepted responsibility for their actions and thus their behavior (in their mind) is literally not their fault so if fault is found it will never lie with them (in their mind).

And there is nothing you can do to change that. Nothing. They either wake up or they don't. Humans have an enormous capacity for denial and can exist in a deluded state indefinitely. It is an unfortunate side effect of our creative abilities. We can and often do create fantasy worlds for ourselves and thus deny the reality in which we actually exist. It is impossible to force someone out of the fantasy world that they have created for themsevles and any time and energy spent in these endeavors is a waste of your creative life force.
 
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#19
drinking and being homeless or being on the road seem to go hand in hand. its a great open and free lifestyle we live, but its also hard and a lot of people use drinking or drugs to get through the rough nights of sleeping on the ground or not knowing where your next meal is coming from. But if you have that personality where you are hurting yourself or others while under the influence you should become self aware and quite before everyone else quits you.
 

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