Hello, my new friend,
It seems that you have discovered the "Dark Place." Tread carefully here, for a plethora of monsters are waiting here in the shadows to devour you, or worse. This is a place of pain and confusion, a pain you want to stop sooo badly that you're willing EVEN to defy nature's most primal drives to end it.
I've been there before, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Part of what helped me was simply God's will -- or, if you don't believe in such things, then SHEER DUMB LUCK. But as for forces within your control, my advice is the following:
1. A quote that helped me to heal from the Dark Place was from the author Augusten Burrroughs:
This is what I’m saying: you hate your life.
But you don’t know what life is.
Life is too huge for you to possibly hate.
If you hate life, you haven’t seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it’s because your life is too small and does’t fit you.
However big you think your life is, it’s nothing compared to what’s out there.
You have to KNOW this and BELIEVE it.
YOU DO NOT HATE YOU LIFE. You hate your situation, not your life. LIFE IS TOO BIG TO POSSIBLY HATE.
Say it with me,
"I do not hate my life, I hate where I am right now. I don't want to escape my life, I want to escape where I am right now." Hold on to this difference, because it is essential in order to survive this. The Dark Place will try to take this distinction from you; don't let it. Repeat it like a mantra.
This next part comes with a little caveat, because it sounds like you're also dealing with heartbreak. The problem with running from heartbreak is that you end up taking yourself (and your heart) with you to wherever you going. I don't have advice for that.
However, I was able to heal by leaving the "situation" that I "hated" (see mantra above). In your case, I don't know your situation so I'm not sure how I can advise you to leave. I found it important to RUN TOWARDS something, not just away from something. In my case, I was already an undergraduate so I enrolled in an exchange program; this got me away from my situation in a reasonable and "easy" way. I was running TO a new experience, not just away from my current one.
In your case, it may make sense that running away takes the form of, I don't know... It's more challenging to give you specific advice here because I don't know what you're into.
- Perhaps joining the peace corp.
- Or the army/navy/etc/etc.
- If you're an undergraduate (you're 20, so I have no idea) you could go on an exchange or take an internship halfway across the country, etc. There's the Engineers without Borders, if you're an engineering student. There's the Science Undergraduate Laboratory Internship (SULI) --- google it.
- Whoever you might be, apply to shit -- all kinds of shit. Internships. Special programs. Schools. Whatever. ANY excuse to get out, and write all of your applications like they mean it to you.
- Alternatively, many cities are the same. Buy a van, outfit it to live in it, and decide to waitress in Florida. Or California. Or wherever is not THERE and does not suck.
The distance from the heartbreakers may help you make peace. Alternatively, it may cause them to miss you. More importantly, it will change you. Travel changes people, for the better. You see the world with new colors, new experiences, new relationships with people. It will make the situation, whatever it was, either go away or become different somehow, even if you don't see it now.
2. The second advice that I have for you is that suicide might sound, in your head, like it'll solve the problem. The things go away. IF you succeed, maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't -- nobody normal's ever come back from the dead to tell us how death works.
BUT. I want you to realize, that there's a bigger risk -- if you SURVIVE, life gets worse. All the things you take for granted gets RIPPED from you, and then not only are you in so much worse shit, but then there's no more chance of suicide because you're on the "watch" and locked up in a hospital. You're caged like an animal, stripped of your rights and not allowed to make your own choices.
Suicide is a TRAP. It allows the government free reign on drugging you up and making all of your choices for you. THEN, you won't be able to make your life any better, but you're at the mercy of whoever... People won't trust you anymore. You'll get kicked out of activities you love, groups, etc... There is less risk in running across the country.
I shall leave you with one more quote: “Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."
Terry Pratchett (A Hat Full of Sky)
So DO THAT. Leave, but leave with your life. Turn a stone, get out and run to something.
That's my two cents.
Sincerely,
Physics