In my experience contemplating suicide has been a common occurrence when my life really sucked/I was being forced to do things against my will/was oppressed. I wanted to use my own death as a protest and an outcry, a tool, when no other request for help/communication seemed to be working...I often thought of how people in Asia had used suicide as a form of protest, in Vietnam, and today in Tibet...in my case I was somewhat held in "bondage" by the psychiatric system, which did not help me but only made me more suicidal/depressive.
Spending time in nature really helps me out when I get the urge...I see the processes of life and death intertwining there, and it soothes me...I have to examine my own existence- is my life so bad? is something not working? am I giving up because my dreams have seemed unattainable? am I running away? When I was younger I really thought I wanted to die and then I was reminded- "you will die," you will die, this will all be gone, and when you look back it will seem so brief, so small....
Sometimes I think "I'm done with Life..." but then...what would I do? And I do believe in reincarnation etc...so where would I go? Sometimes I think death would be a great adventure...but what if I'm not prepared, you know? And I totally fucked up a basically good life and jumped the gun...
Sometimes I think, okay, I don't want to "kill myself," but I have this wish to die young in some valiant manner, like saving someone's life, or "standing my ground" against the police or something....
But mostly, when I feel that way, I think- I need a change...something needs to change, I need a new scene, or I need to paint, or I need to go swimming or I need to smoke or stop smoking....Life is full of possibilities and potentialities, life is always changing...so maybe I just need to do something radical- move, get rid of all my stuff, get rid of friends who are not working out, call myself by a new name- I mean I just thought of dying, ending it, so why not just DO SOMETHING completely different, like LIVE as though the old me is dead, has died?
Actually...that is kinda how I'm trying to live. And I can't help myself but throw religion/spirituality in the mix***** lo siento**** but so many traditions say- you know- give up your life, give up all the shit you hate that binds you and wears you down, give it up, its ok to hate your life, because, at that moment, something else opens up inside, just by questioning- why is it like this? why are we like this? I think...people who seek and are really sensitive...they are prone to feel this way...
O! And there was a quote I liked--- something like: "if you are depressed and lacking confidence, first examine whether you are in fact just surrounded by assholes."
But, I must say, I really don't think suicide should be considered immoral or even cowardly...I really don't think that's fair or appropriate...I think it just says a lot about modern human existence, especially for young people in this society.
Anyways, yeah...you're not alone