Suicidal ideation

[atlas]

Does anyone else here struggle with suicidal thoughts or tendencies? I know it's a hard subject to talk about but stories and experiences would be very much appreciated. Any coping skills or tactics you've developed would be interesting/helpful to hear, too.

 

[Bizarre Odor]

Man, all the time. I haven't really any coping methods that seem successful to me because sooner or later suicide seems like a viable thing again. I usually just try to surround myself with people I know can be a good support base for me, that can be hard while traveling all the time though.

 

[Hylyx]

Yup.
More often than I'd like to admit.
Lately what's stopped myself is that I've had way too many friends die (mostly by offing themselves) in the past year and knowing how shitty everyone felt. Granted I don't have many friends and the only person I've shared a bed with for a year is my cat.
So I know that thinking that my death would have a profound effect on people similar to my (way happier, more popular, more beautiful, smarter whatever-er) friends' deaths is a pile of horseshit of epic proportions, but it seems to work for now. That and it'd be way too fucked up to have my parents have to bury both their children.

Other than that I guess I've long since come to terms with my mental fuckedness and made peace with the fact that more often than not I'm gonna have to convince myself that there really is a reason to get out of bed. I still dunno what that reason is, but I'm pretty damn sure it's not gonna come find me when I'm hiding in my sleeping bag.

Oh and just being honest and open about it helps, too, even if at first it might not seem like it. The few friends I have know that I deal with clinical depression and are pretty fucking good at giving me an ear when I need someone to listen to me.
Having a few close friends who know you and still give a fuck about you even if you are a broken-ass human being is SO much better than having 100 "friends" who you can't talk to about anything cuz they only want you around for themselves.

I could go on but I'll give it a break for now...

 

[Ristoncor]

This is one of the best quotes that kept me off it.

"People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead."

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

 

[Tude]

aww man - good topic to be addressed. I would love to give all of you a huge hug and to let you know that yeah there are places out there that can help, but it seems like you have found an inner place to go to --- but want you to keep going and go through it. {{hugs}}

 

[Deleted member 2626]

Yeah I've thought on it many times and thought other than myself a minute and realized who else it might affect and realize, life is a challenge were all gonna have some rain buck up and face er

 

[Odin]

I think about unintentional suicide...
I mean I have my dark times and think fuck it... but also... I am a stubborn son of a fucking monkey goat ass cock candy rock sock....
...
.
\wut??

sorry a bit of a spaz there...

Any way I'm fucking stubborn and even though I might think about dieing and maybe even wanting to die sometimes... I don't think I would ever take an immediate physical action to kill myself... unless maybe to avoid horrible torture or for a good deed... or for a good reason.

But as unintentional... or say "sideways" suicide... I think about that.
Like the effects of drinking killing me someday.
Or bad habits.
Or bad risks I might take.
The human mind is weird... full of contradictions...and honestly I don't think anyone. If they admit it or not... has not lived a bit of life without thinking about ending it.

Life is never gonna be easy.

Sometimes though... you gotta let the gamma rays do they're magic...

Don't die.

Just Rage a bit.

HULK SMASH!!!

 

[Tude]

I think about unintentional suicide...
I mean I have my dark times and think fuck it... but also... I am a stubborn son of a fucking monkey goat ass cock candy rock sock....
...
.
\wut??

sorry a bit of a spaz there...

portioned quote ...

BUT THANK you for being a fucking monkey goat ass cock candy etc etc. Yay oh and a spaz too. thank you

 

[travelin]

once my wife was gone there was a period I didn't wanna live anymore. I had been (and still am) in constant pain physically and it just all seemed to snowball into this huge mountain and I thought about it for days and days.

every morning I got up and I faced myself in the mirror and I told myself i've never been a quitter and no matter how much emotional pain and how much physical pain I experience, every day is life and i'm gonna fuckin live it no matter how much it hurts.

when I think about it now I remember that resolve and I get up and face every day wanting to live that day and wanting to live the next one.

ill reckon everyone thinks about it seriously.

you're not alone...

 

[johnnymarie]

at least once a day since i was a kid. i just find something romatically poetic about jumping in front of a train or throwing myself off a bridge. to end it all would be so easy, and some days that's all i can think about. however, when i see a little girl reach for her daddy's hand in a Safeway aisle, or drink my gas station coffee and watch the squirrels chase each other around a tree, or some random old man asks me how my day is going despite the fact that i'm sitting on a busted backpack with a dog on a rope looking like i might steal someone's car/soul, when i really stop to enjoy the little things, i think about how all of this is so beautiful and i am the only one who can experience my life through my eyes, no matter how much it fucking sucks sometimes. the life of a traveler is a strange one. it's mundane sometimes, it hurts sometimes, but at the same time, we're doing things most people can only fantasize about. i realize that i'll die someday, and in the mean time i'm gonna have a fucking blast and take in every single thing i can. maybe some day i will off myself, but it's not gonna be because i'm sad, it's gonna be because i'm done.
that's my coping mechanism. feeling every ounce of the bullshit life throws at me and embracing the fuck out of it. laughing in it's face and still entertaining the thought of killing myself because i can do whatever i want. holding my pain in my arms and rocking it to sleep.
if none of this makes sense, it's because i just woke up and i'm still drunk.
cheers dude. life is weird. do with it what you will, but don't forget to enjoy it while you're here. don't let pain make you too hard to be happy.

 

[Kadidlehopper]

lifes too short, we create our own realities and live in them, every once in a while go right against your instincts and learn as much as possible everyday.

know more, work harder, expect less, rely on no one but yourself and remember you cant offend, only be offended. pick hairs when picking arguments and all ways look at the bigger picture. Never play into peoples games and avoid people who do. Avoid people who are morally less then you, lest they drag you to their level, never help the weak solely because they are weak, or for reimbursement, the worlds cruel, be indifferent. people never change, dont bother trying.

the more you know the less you need, loneliness is worst when shared, if you dont love yourself you cant love someone else, man is not an island but he can act like one.'

some of the things that help me get through the day, and I like to think of this life as more then a test for some otherworldly experience, we create our own hells to live in. I actually dont find Im so much depressed anymore as much as Ive just started to really hate people alot.

::soapbox::

 

[Tick Dickler]

Ive never been suicidal, i love me. i spend all day with myself. but i know a guy who is. he has this thing where (its a mental disease) he isn´t really that depressed and shit, but he has (i don´t know what its english name is, i think its obsession, its basically thoughts forcing you to do stuff) and unwillingly tries to kill himself. he has to have someone watching over him and holding him when walking over bridges. i was once walking to a gas station with him, and he almost jumped of a bridge. he jumped halfway over to handrail like his body tried to stay on the bridge but his mind tried to throw him over. he didn´t go splat luckily, and i don´t know if he still has this thing.

point be, if any of you guys have anything even remotely close to this, feel really sorry for you guys.
okay this post didn´t really have a point, just know that i like you guys even though we never met.

also we should really have a rating option that says "i feel you bro"

 

[Erable]

Does anyone else here struggle with suicidal thoughts or tendencies? I know it's a hard subject to talk about but stories and experiences would be very much appreciated. Any coping skills or tactics you've developed would be interesting/helpful to hear, too.

I had them all of the time when I was in highschool, I'd wake up most days ready to die, but obviously I'm still here, and I think that's due to the fact that I realised if I were to kill myself I wouldn't be able to move on with my life or ever accomplish anything good
I'd just be rotting in the ground, and that's not what I wanted.
I guess I could also say "keep putting one foot in front of the other" and you'll be sure to find your way.

 

[hobopoe]

Man with the psychological disorder I have, I am constantly thinking about it. Then I remember about all the cool stuff I have seen and will see by freight or by foot. The stuff that no one else will ever see. Sometimes all it takes is an open ear to listen to you during your worst times. I guess now as compared to 10 years ago, nothing has changed. Never gave thought to taking my own life but maybe putting it at risk. used to cut, it became an addiction that I finally broke.

Sorry if what I said was confusing. Tired, rushed, and scatterbrained. I will come back to this and see if I can clear things up if it was confusing.

Hopefully you feel better emotionally/more stable and you find something that makes you happy on a day to day.

 

[litterlife]

I have extreme depression, i dont know how to handle it sometimes...
i even cut up my arms and legs with a razor
but yea... just sort of fucked up in the mind
the best thing to do is not think about it
or to get in a relationship or strong friendship
never be alone
if you arent alone you wont feel alone
hope this helped
dont kill yourselfs XD
::hungover::::hungover::::hungover::::hungover::

 

[litterlife]

I have extreme depression, i dont know how to handle it sometimes...
i even cut up my arms and legs with a razor
but yea... just sort of fucked up in the mind
the best thing to do is not think about it
or to get in a relationship or strong friendship
never be alone
if you arent alone you wont feel alone
hope this helped
dont kill yourselfs XD
::hungover::::hungover::::hungover::::hungover::

i also do alot of drugs to help so yea go get drunk and smoke weed!!!!

 

[DesertRat]

---Deleted---

Sorry all, just reread my post and I unintentionally came off like a pompous ass.

 

[MishMish]

In my experience contemplating suicide has been a common occurrence when my life really sucked/I was being forced to do things against my will/was oppressed. I wanted to use my own death as a protest and an outcry, a tool, when no other request for help/communication seemed to be working...I often thought of how people in Asia had used suicide as a form of protest, in Vietnam, and today in Tibet...in my case I was somewhat held in "bondage" by the psychiatric system, which did not help me but only made me more suicidal/depressive.

Spending time in nature really helps me out when I get the urge...I see the processes of life and death intertwining there, and it soothes me...I have to examine my own existence- is my life so bad? is something not working? am I giving up because my dreams have seemed unattainable? am I running away? When I was younger I really thought I wanted to die and then I was reminded- "you will die," you will die, this will all be gone, and when you look back it will seem so brief, so small....

Sometimes I think "I'm done with Life..." but then...what would I do? And I do believe in reincarnation etc...so where would I go? Sometimes I think death would be a great adventure...but what if I'm not prepared, you know? And I totally fucked up a basically good life and jumped the gun...

Sometimes I think, okay, I don't want to "kill myself," but I have this wish to die young in some valiant manner, like saving someone's life, or "standing my ground" against the police or something....

But mostly, when I feel that way, I think- I need a change...something needs to change, I need a new scene, or I need to paint, or I need to go swimming or I need to smoke or stop smoking....Life is full of possibilities and potentialities, life is always changing...so maybe I just need to do something radical- move, get rid of all my stuff, get rid of friends who are not working out, call myself by a new name- I mean I just thought of dying, ending it, so why not just DO SOMETHING completely different, like LIVE as though the old me is dead, has died?

Actually...that is kinda how I'm trying to live. And I can't help myself but throw religion/spirituality in the mix***** lo siento**** but so many traditions say- you know- give up your life, give up all the shit you hate that binds you and wears you down, give it up, its ok to hate your life, because, at that moment, something else opens up inside, just by questioning- why is it like this? why are we like this? I think...people who seek and are really sensitive...they are prone to feel this way...

O! And there was a quote I liked--- something like: "if you are depressed and lacking confidence, first examine whether you are in fact just surrounded by assholes."

But, I must say, I really don't think suicide should be considered immoral or even cowardly...I really don't think that's fair or appropriate...I think it just says a lot about modern human existence, especially for young people in this society.

Anyways, yeah...you're not alone

 

[Tick Dickler]

In my experience contemplating suicide has been a common occurrence when my life really sucked/I was being forced to do things against my will/was oppressed. I wanted to use my own death as a protest and an outcry, a tool, when no other request for help/communication seemed to be working...I often thought of how people in Asia had used suicide as a form of protest, in Vietnam, and today in Tibet...in my case I was somewhat held in "bondage" by the psychiatric system, which did not help me but only made me more suicidal/depressive.

Spending time in nature really helps me out when I get the urge...I see the processes of life and death intertwining there, and it soothes me...I have to examine my own existence- is my life so bad? is something not working? am I giving up because my dreams have seemed unattainable? am I running away? When I was younger I really thought I wanted to die and then I was reminded- "you will die," you will die, this will all be gone, and when you look back it will seem so brief, so small....

Sometimes I think "I'm done with Life..." but then...what would I do? And I do believe in reincarnation etc...so where would I go? Sometimes I think death would be a great adventure...but what if I'm not prepared, you know? And I totally fucked up a basically good life and jumped the gun...

Sometimes I think, okay, I don't want to "kill myself," but I have this wish to die young in some valiant manner, like saving someone's life, or "standing my ground" against the police or something....

But mostly, when I feel that way, I think- I need a change...something needs to change, I need a new scene, or I need to paint, or I need to go swimming or I need to smoke or stop smoking....Life is full of possibilities and potentialities, life is always changing...so maybe I just need to do something radical- move, get rid of all my stuff, get rid of friends who are not working out, call myself by a new name- I mean I just thought of dying, ending it, so why not just DO SOMETHING completely different, like LIVE as though the old me is dead, has died?

Actually...that is kinda how I'm trying to live. And I can't help myself but throw religion/spirituality in the mix***** lo siento**** but so many traditions say- you know- give up your life, give up all the shit you hate that binds you and wears you down, give it up, its ok to hate your life, because, at that moment, something else opens up inside, just by questioning- why is it like this? why are we like this? I think...people who seek and are really sensitive...they are prone to feel this way...

O! And there was a quote I liked--- something like: "if you are depressed and lacking confidence, first examine whether you are in fact just surrounded by assholes."

But, I must say, I really don't think suicide should be considered immoral or even cowardly...I really don't think that's fair or appropriate...I think it just says a lot about modern human existence, especially for young people in this society.

Anyways, yeah...you're not alone

"in my case I was somewhat held in "bondage" by the psychiatric system"

please tell me more about this. this is something that personally enrages me. im finally old to have a choice, so i dont have to go to that fucking shit anymore. but i know allot of people who arent, and people who are old enough, but are forced into it by family etc...

how does the system work where you live? do you have the choice to not go to psychiatrists? i know its a longshot, but all the info i can get is something i might need. the way kids are forced to these things is terrible, and its mentally damaging.

im not saying that all psychiatrists etc... are bad, but in some cases they just make mental conditions even worse.

 

[Erable]

-deleted-