EphemeralStick
Andie of the House of Queer
Matt suggested I make a thread about whats been going on with me so I guess here that is.
Admitting I need help is next to impossible for me. One of the things I have always prided myself on was my ability to be there for other people, focusing on myself has never been easy. I feel like I've been at this low point so many times in my life that I'm starting to feel like depressed is just my natural state. Even as I type this I can feel the regret rising up in me like some premonition of shame yet to come.
I've been struggling to cope for weeks now. Right now I'm off the road; I'm working on an isolated mountain for the summer like I always do but this time is different. I got my van up the mountain haphazardly back in March. Due to the excessive amount of rainfall California has had these past months I wasn't able to drive myself off the mountain until the end of April. Unfortunately during that time a rat got into my engine and fucked up all sorts of wiring. When I took it into the shop they found that the oil pan was also crushed and the ABS sensor on my wheels was destroyed; both caused by the mountain road I had to drive up back in March. I took my car in on April 28th; it is now June 2nd and it is still in the shop, waiting a new sensor that's been on back order.
I haven't had any ability to take care of myself since March. I work as a grower so the only person I see regularly is my boss, who is also my friend mind you, but the situation has begun to put a strain on things. I'm 100% reliant on him for every aspect of my life. Since I have no van I have to live in his cabin, rely on him for food and necessities, as well as the obvious payment side of things. It's exhausting.
God, reading this now I must sound like an ungrateful fuck but I'm not. I've always struggled with depression but this level of isolation is a new type of sadness. I'm always alone; usually that's a figurative statement but today it's quite literal. My self worth has plummeted, I feel like this sadness and isolation are all I'll ever know; even when I'm not physically isolated I still feel this emptiness. I'll never have a significant other or even a core friend group I can turn to; I'm not worthy of those kinds of relationships; I'm far too damaged from past trauma and failed friendships to let anyone close to me again.
I thought that quitting drinking would make things better. Haven't had a drop of alcohol since March 15th and I thought I'd start to feel progress being made by now but I just feel more anxious than ever. I want to drink away these feelings, so god damn much. Instead I just smoke large amounts of weed in an effort to numb the pain but then I realize I'm just trying to use THC as the same escape I relied on alcohol to give me, which in turn throws me further into a depression.
Each day I feel worse. I hide it from my boss and downplay it to anyone who asks how I'm doing. I'm trying so hard to get through this on my own like I usually do but it's not working. Some nights I can't help but feeling like ending it all; just giving up and letting oblivion sort this shit out. I know folks would miss me but honestly I'm hurting far too much to be concerned with how everyone else will cope. My only rational thought against that notion is that I won't let my nieces and nephew grow up without a queer uncle to help them navigate an unjust world. I had no one in my family to turn to when I was outed; I can't stand the thought of abandoning them to the same fate.
I do this to myself. I don't want to be alone anymore but I close myself of from everyone and anyone. I'm just tired.
So very tired.
Admitting I need help is next to impossible for me. One of the things I have always prided myself on was my ability to be there for other people, focusing on myself has never been easy. I feel like I've been at this low point so many times in my life that I'm starting to feel like depressed is just my natural state. Even as I type this I can feel the regret rising up in me like some premonition of shame yet to come.
I've been struggling to cope for weeks now. Right now I'm off the road; I'm working on an isolated mountain for the summer like I always do but this time is different. I got my van up the mountain haphazardly back in March. Due to the excessive amount of rainfall California has had these past months I wasn't able to drive myself off the mountain until the end of April. Unfortunately during that time a rat got into my engine and fucked up all sorts of wiring. When I took it into the shop they found that the oil pan was also crushed and the ABS sensor on my wheels was destroyed; both caused by the mountain road I had to drive up back in March. I took my car in on April 28th; it is now June 2nd and it is still in the shop, waiting a new sensor that's been on back order.
I haven't had any ability to take care of myself since March. I work as a grower so the only person I see regularly is my boss, who is also my friend mind you, but the situation has begun to put a strain on things. I'm 100% reliant on him for every aspect of my life. Since I have no van I have to live in his cabin, rely on him for food and necessities, as well as the obvious payment side of things. It's exhausting.
God, reading this now I must sound like an ungrateful fuck but I'm not. I've always struggled with depression but this level of isolation is a new type of sadness. I'm always alone; usually that's a figurative statement but today it's quite literal. My self worth has plummeted, I feel like this sadness and isolation are all I'll ever know; even when I'm not physically isolated I still feel this emptiness. I'll never have a significant other or even a core friend group I can turn to; I'm not worthy of those kinds of relationships; I'm far too damaged from past trauma and failed friendships to let anyone close to me again.
I thought that quitting drinking would make things better. Haven't had a drop of alcohol since March 15th and I thought I'd start to feel progress being made by now but I just feel more anxious than ever. I want to drink away these feelings, so god damn much. Instead I just smoke large amounts of weed in an effort to numb the pain but then I realize I'm just trying to use THC as the same escape I relied on alcohol to give me, which in turn throws me further into a depression.
Each day I feel worse. I hide it from my boss and downplay it to anyone who asks how I'm doing. I'm trying so hard to get through this on my own like I usually do but it's not working. Some nights I can't help but feeling like ending it all; just giving up and letting oblivion sort this shit out. I know folks would miss me but honestly I'm hurting far too much to be concerned with how everyone else will cope. My only rational thought against that notion is that I won't let my nieces and nephew grow up without a queer uncle to help them navigate an unjust world. I had no one in my family to turn to when I was outed; I can't stand the thought of abandoning them to the same fate.
I do this to myself. I don't want to be alone anymore but I close myself of from everyone and anyone. I'm just tired.
So very tired.