PTSD, jail, mental health

[junkpolecat99]

I'm wondering if anybody else has PTSD from being in 23-hour lockdown (administrative segregation, not solitary confinement but close). I was just a number in the system, a bored, poor person that got drunk and spraypainted a building saying "fuck war 4 oil" and it happened to be a federal building. It was an impulsive decision that, short version, ended up in me being a number among a bunch of hardcore prisoners who didn't like me and I ended up in a cell 23 hours a day for 6 weeks.

This was over 6 years ago and it still bothers me. I can still feel the similar overwhelming and paranoid emotions that I had when I first got released. The past 6 years have sorta been a blur and I have lacked focus and motivation to take care of myself well. I saw on Hamilton's Pharmacopeia last night about people taking Ketamine to treat depression, along with LSD, ecstasy, mushrooms, etc, are all known to provide some relief from PTSD. I have considered applying for social security disability so I can focus on my general health and have a cushion to work on getting better educated so I can get a better job.
The arrest occurred when I was 27 and I have been homeless on and off since then. Some people can handle being homeless but the stress and social anxiety makes it difficult and unfulfilling. Life has gotten really hard since then. A lot of old friends have stopped talking to me, and when I used to be able to find housing on craigslist easily, all of a sudden the housing market became impossible and all I ever found was dead ends.

A few months ago my parents petitioned to put me into a psychiatric hospital because I was so angry at my Dad for complaining about the money he gave me because I felt I had no control over my financial situation and was just trying to get back on track and establish myself. You know, why kick me when I am already down? I started making violent threats and it just felt good. Like, I know it's not normal to have these violent thoughts, but I thought "my parents will understand that the PTSD from jail gives me violent and excessively angry thoughts. It's no big deal" but they didn't understand and I'm not sure even the psychiatrists understood because they gave me a high dose shot (not a pill) of Invega, an anti-psychotic that gave me long term erectile dysfunction (gone now, thank god) for several months, also made it so I could barely walk and had achy, tense muscles that would barely work - I turned into an old man. And they treated my case pretty seriously and I was in there for 2 weeks. this was traumatic as was the few times I have been in jail since the Utah case - 2-3 weeks in LA and orange county for driving on a suspended license, SEVEN weeks on an old charge that I didn't finish probation on in Las Vegas (petty theft), ...
I think the Invega has made me more intense. I used to be able to sleep in my car but now I am lonely and cry more often (random crying is a symptom of PTSD) and try to talk to or hang out with my parents a lot. They won't let me stay overnight at their house and put me in a nearby motel instead because my Dad has a hard time sleeping if I walk around at night, but after being neglected for several years it kinda makes me feel like unwanted trash after being kicked out of several southern california hostels for no reason and asked to leave the Dallas hostel (jeez, I like hostels but they hate me!)... It seems like the majority of people I meet know something about me and generally dislike me, especially people in my hometown and girls my age. It just feels ironic to me that life has gotten so much harder when I am much less able to cope with it. It seems there is no sympathy for me or my situation. Maybe it's just because I am older now and people are nicer to younger people? I know this sounds weird, but when you have no friends (lacking a social life and general support) and continue to meet people that treat you bad, it's really easy to get down on yourself.
My hometown sucks though so that's not surprising.

I smoke weed as often as possible to deal with the mental pain that PTSD causes as well as the insomnia. I would describe it as similar to depression, minus the sadness. I have looked at the research which shows anger and "psychosis" as symptoms. But the lack of research about solitary confinement is even more disturbing. Just as an aside, I think my parents' neighbor whose a retired cop gave my parents a book on dealing with a child's psychosis. He's a smalltown cop, super nice guy. So I think they understand.

I've also been taking an anti-depressant since I was 15 - so I already had general clinical depression issues. So maybe all of this is harder for me than somebody who was not already dealing with a mild mental illness. It used to be mild, but now it's medium or hot, depending on the day and time of day, my mood can change, sorta like being bipolar.
Maybe I should start an online support group or something. There's support groups for PTSD, just a few, very few, but I think if I was a **veteran** (maybe hang out at veteran support groups?) I could find a lot more help and empathy. People generally have no comment when I talk about this issue. Nobody can relate because most people have not been to jail. Just the first 2-3 days in the holding tanks is kinda like torture.

I went to alcoholics anonymous and it convinced me to cut back on drinking and I no longer use it as a solution to anxiety or helping me sleep.

I also went to NAMI, the national alliance on mental illness. Everybody makes mistakes and anybody can catch a mental illness, so fuck the stigma on mental health or criminal records. I don't even really consider my charges as real crime, just petty stuff. The theft is what I am most ashamed of. Not for the damage to property - the consequences never met the severity of the crime on the 2 times I was arrested for property damage.
In case you forgot, the criminal justice system is predatory, racist money scam. I feel so sad knowing we could do much better for all Americans but the system is nearly impossible to change at this point.

Please don't put me down or criticize me. These are like life and death issues - did the jailers ruin my life? Maybe. I'll never be the same. Just looking for anybody that can relate or knows somebody that can relate.

Listening to midwest barncore makes me feel better though

 

[junkpolecat99]

http://time.com/5102470/chelsea-manning-running-for-senate/

Ms. Manning was in worse conditions than me for over 52 weeks!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 20683]

I can relate a bit...

It’s a tough world to be human in especially if you are mentally different somehow, and both peers and authorities will come down on us in ways that tend to make us way worse. I think you’re absolutely right the ‘justice’ system is a scam that keeps people coming back by traumatizing and labeling them so they can never move forward personally or socially. Solitary, that’s insane, it’s definitely well known that breaks people’s brains. Those of us how’ve gone through some real lonely times know even that can be hard on the ol mental health.

As far as people knowing about some shit you did when you were in a bad place and judging you forever for it...even if it’s bulls*** you gotta let it go. people are judgmental, part of that is something valid about wanting to err on the safe side of avoiding dangerous people. In any case you can’t change it. I hope you will keep getting better and make new connections who will be able to see you for who you are now. Kudos on staying away from booze and working to stay positive and sorry to hear the family support is not better, mine have been really great in a lot of ways but it’s still tough and painful.

I can definitely relate to finding solace in emo

 

[Jerrell]

You can definitely have PTSD from that. It would explain some of your behaviors here on the website (and probably in public) that I, as someone with PTSD, didn't think was weird, but rubbed others the wrong way. If you have PTSD and haven't been treated for it properly, well, it's kinda like when people can smell desperation coming off someone else. Trust me, I spent the first seven years back from Iraq knowing something wasn't right and the VA not helping by prescribing so many damn meds that I was acting like a bipolar crackhead from the extreme chemical imbalance just to treat me for anything BUT PTSD because I was never in an IED or raped or kicked down a booby trapped door or shot a kid running at me with an explosive in hand. I decided to quit all those head meds, had the DTs for at least a couple months, and felt clear for the first time in forever after about 4-5 months with that shit outta my system. I ended up finding a civilian counselor at the local mental health shop and got lucky. This guy is a socialist long hair non-hippy non-combat veteran just a few years older than me. He confirmed my sneaky suspicion that most psychiatrists shouldn't be doing therapy sessions. Therapists should be doing that. (most therapists shouldn't be meting out meds either, psychs should)

I would recommend avoiding veterans with PTSD from combat and attempting to commiserate. Those kicking down doors and shooting kids types barely tolerate other veterans with PTSD from different kinds of events as is.

Man, I'd recommend doing research for a mental health shop, no matter where it is, that you believe will understand where you're coming from and sounds like a good fit. Then make your way there and get admitted. You may need to be on medicaid first, but it sounds like you'd have no problem doing so. I imagine it might take different lengths of time in different parts of the country, so maybe research which states have the shortest lines?

 

[Hobo Mud]

I can relate and understand where your coming from but all is not lost. I also suffer from PTSD. From nightmares to certain sounds and certain social interactions there are a lot of things that can trigger my my PTSD.

You can better manage it however it will take time and a lot of effort. One thing that I respect about your post is that you have the ability to recognize that you do have a problem and that you have the courage to acknowledged theses issues and it sounds like you're doing the best that your able to do to find a solution.

You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Remember to try not to be so hard on yourself and remember everyday is a new day, a new attempt and a new start. If you ever need someone to talk to or vent to I am always here as well as many other people on this site.

You just keep on keeping on brother and keep your head held high and keep pushing through this. As stated just the having ability to share what you posted is a good start to the road of better dealing with the issues your having. I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your journey friend. Safe travels.

 

[ScumRag]

Might wanna try not mixing the bud with the psych meds.... Just a suggestion.

 

[Welderman]

the struggle is real, i deal wit h the same iisues

 

[junkpolecat99]

Yeah that's the thing is I feel so much shame and isolation from the paranoia about it. Maybe people do recognize me as dangerous or desperate somehow and that could be part of the problem of me facing rejection and loneliness often. If feels like the world is out to get me when I suffer a lot and most people don't seem to care about my feelings or problems.
My new roommate is an older woman, 50s or 60s and she's on disability like the landlord of the house who gets disability of mental health reasons. She didn't wanna hear about my problems and she avoids me and after she complained about me, the landlord has asked me to move out. After being homeless in years past and hating my last 1 bedroom apartment by my parents in Saginaw where I spent almost 4 months unemployed, isolated and barely getting by. I'm terrified of being isloated and alone again but have no confidence to find, positive, nice roommates, and face the chance that nobody wants a new friend anyway!


I've become a burden on my roommates (they don't care too much about nor want to hear about my problems) because my family doesn't talk to me or spend enough time with me. I recently spent 3 weeks in jail for kicking my parents door in and breaking stuff again. I was in really bad shape when I first got out about 2 months ago.

 

[junkpolecat99]

The more I suffer and the worse I'm feeling, the more it seems that nobody cares about me and the stigma is too scary and too strong for people to really reach out and take time to talk to me and show they really care and are trying to help. It's so rude and offensive to me when somebody asks how you're doing, especially somebody that really knows me or lives with me, but really doesn't care or ignores me when I tell them how I REALLY am feeling.

My drinking roommate tried to tell it's "just a common courtesy" that "most people do." I was like "Joe: you just asked if I'm all right" like there's something wrong with me. And when I say nah I'm not really feeling too well, I'm not allright, I'm depressed a lot - it's a quick subject change to something else. And, I guess I'm not like most people. I'm not good at small talk. I'm a loser and an outcast and only have negative influences that reinforce and make sure I stay a failure and a loser. I have no hope of any joy, true friends, or positive influences.

 

[junkpolecat99]

I'm glad I wrote about this. This website seems big enough and there's enough diversity of experiences to help me feel less alone. I'm not sure I could get useful responses or anybody reaching out to help anywhere else online.

 

[Deleted member 20683]

i find that people in general don't really want to hear about other peoples' problems, whether it's because they have enough issues of their own, don't really care or have only a limit to the number of people they can truly care about and engage with. i used to go around wanting people to help me and listen to me and realized i was perceived as needy, "fairly" or otherwise. it sucks but it's true and if you can internalize and accept it i think you will feel better - you are not who other people see you as in any case, not that you shouldn't care how you impact or interact with them, but i think really accepting that helps to not take it personally.

my experiences with isolation have been pretty painful at times, but they also helped me get a handle on some of my issues by forcing me to look at the consequences head on of *not* taking good care of myself, and opened me up to some spiritual 'stuff', like a more buddhist style of detachment which helps me to live with more equanimity and less pain and upset regardless of whatever happens. you are the only person you can really rely on, and you are not just the details of your past, so pick yourself up and keep moving...

 

[junkpolecat99]

It sucks to not only be imprisoned and damaged in my mind but also to be on probation, facing a new felony charge, can't leave the state. I'm trapped physically and mentally.

Without any friends and not enough family love and support, it's like I'm stuck spiritually/mentally as well. Yeah, people don't like me, don't wanna spend time with me, don't wanna listen to me and give feedback for a conversation that's helpful. You're basically reminding me that nobody likes me and I should just accept it and get over it.
.... I dunno, I think I deserve better. I shouldn't need to be perfect or have a prestigious social status or great job just to be acceptable as an adult and as a person.

I'm probably just not going to the right places and meeting the right people. I know there's gotta be positive influences out there, people who want new friends.

 

[Deleted member 20683]

dude, i'm trying to commiserate...i also get that when you are really stuck on telling yourself a certain narrative, it is easy to be reminded of it by anything anyone says to you, and i think *that* is a problem. i think you will feel better if you find a way not to do it. on a certain level, yeah i guess that's kind of like saying "accept it and get over it" ...and ultimately, what's so bad about that? as opposed to wallowing and complaining about realities that you don't want to accept - will *that* make you feel better?

BUT i don't think you or anyone is inherently unlikable, and i definitely didn't say that. i just think if you go around thinking people will want to hear you bellyache, it will probably just be frustrating for you as well as them. that's not "your fault" or anything specific to you, it's a about how people are in general. and again, i know from my own experience how it sucks to process trauma and mental illness alone and how it creates these kinds of isolating spirals.

i'm not a therapist, i'm not your friend, i'm just some person who feels like he can relate to a lot of what you've said, and hopes you feel better; now i've said my piece....

 

[Jerrell]

One of the most useful tools I learned to finally get out of my head and start climbing out of the deep rut was to stop ruminating.
Every time I started thinking of past things that I can't change and aren't mentally healthy to think about, I would shift the focus to something new.
Sometimes I have to repeat "stop, stop, stop, stop..." over and over and over in my mind to force the shift. Its been about a year now since I been doing it and I feel like it has helped my depression a lot more than any meds or big wig (8-10 years and a half million dollars spending to get their degree) psychiatrists. All it took was a guy with a counselor/therapy certificate and the way he does his job. We have random conversations about whatever instead of some clinical lying on the couch BS. That type of therapy would probably help you out a lot too. He might not have been the first psych type to suggest I stop ruminating, but he's the first one I actually heard say it. lol

 

[junkpolecat99]

I have a counselor but I don't like her so far. I prefer group therapy like alcoholics anonymous. The problem with counseling is I'm scared of it - so it's harder to get access to for myself. I wish I got more help finding the right counselour and making appointments.
....

I take medication but that was before I got PTSD. Psychiatry is important but it can also hurt you more, and it's likely not a good solution for PTSD in most cases. For a chemical imbalance we assume is genetic though, it's like I have a disability without some medication assistance. I'm at 95% instead of 60% (or less). IQ can fluctuate when PTSD or depression/anxiety is treated, so I can function better

 

[Jarlmp55]

I'm not trying to be a dick or anything but I have always gone back to what I was told as a kid.."If you can not do the time, do not do the crime". I was locked up for 36 months due to protecting my son and sure it was hell but you get over it and move forward in life. As for the new felony charge, gee maybe you should not have been doing things to get a new charge and be stuck there. I was stuck in hell for 3 years on parole for protecting my son and I did it and then move forward with my life. You screwed up, got time in prison/jail so you do the time and move on. That is just how I see things. Good luck in life bro.

 

[Jerrell]

As mentioned above, you need to find a way to stow a lot of your damage/baggage/whatever you want to call it deep in a box and put a mental pad lock on it. Someday down the line, you'll be given the opportunity to peak back inside and share with someone that will truly care and want to listen, but until then it needs to be locked away.
Fortunately, Michigan is a pretty big state. You could travel around and camp out or check out festivals or whatever piques your interest. Try to get outside your bubble and see new things. Start building new memories even if its all by yourself, because hell, you're all ready feeling pretty cut off from society. Right? When you're out there, fight the urge to spill everything on people you meet. It will happen, they're distance themselves, but you're not staying there forever because you're traveling and just keep practicing leaving what needs to be in that box in the back of your head locked up until you find a healthy outlet to start releasing it a little at a time.
As far as the therapist, if you've been seeing her more than a couple months and you're not forming a bond, then you should bring it up with her. Your counselor/therapist works for you, so if you're not getting what you need, then let her know. Have you ever had a male therapist? Something you should read about and bring up to your therapist if you think it could help is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. That technique has worked wonders for trauma victims.

 

[sub lumpen filth]

LA county is a fucking bitch. Fuck the twin towers. Never been in a worse jail.

 

[Deleted member 2626]

I suffer from anxiety as well. Fucks up my sleep cycle. I was on a cocaine and booze bender with my uncle for a few weeks, with only a couple days here and there of a break. then started anti anxiety meds i was given from a friend, for like 5 or 6 nights of the cocaine and booze. Brought to light my issues and they are still hanging. I've been trying herbs and stuff for sleep and anxiety and it seems to help. Exersise helps. I just started a little vial of 1:1 cbd and thc last night mixed with valerian root capsules and lemon balm. slept well and no anxiety.
We get damaged and have to take the time to heal. ups and downs suck. I feel them often. But, a little voice lets ya know it'll pass. i went through a weird thing a few years ago when all my lymphs swelled, I had a clean bill of health but fucking worried on that shit for months and months till i eventually forgot somehow. some of us are just sensitive and think too damn much. As well I Recommend eating well, not good, well, little, or no booze, try to wean the anxiety meds, good herbals, and teas and excersise.

 

[Minky]

PTSD is difficult but not impossible to over come. Counseling with a therapist i trusted was the first step. A good first step is decrease or stop drugs and booze. Having someone to listen to you starts with being there and listening to other people. Take care and keep us posted.