lost

[Ande1968]

We all have a story as to why or how we got here. I am lost and not sure how to find myself. I am here to see about direction and or directions.
I admit that I have been brainwashed by consumerism. We work to buy. we work to increase our position in the class/caste system of our self created capitalist/democratic society.
While participating in this system or system's I have lost the ability to hold a meaningful conversation. I have been the motivator/leader/mentor, I have lost the ability to see, hear, taste and feel the true meanings of life.
I am not suffering from a mid-life crisis however I am suffering. I have lost the ability to effectively live/love.

My heart tells me to not walk; but to run and rage against the night however my mind tells me to get back in the cage and make the wheel move some more. Build the need for someone else to want what i have without every listening to what they need.
I don't want anyone to feel my emptiness.
I have only know happiness by giving to others and then manipulating there mind/body and soul into giving it back in other forms.
How do I stop this cycle, we are all manipulators how do I break the cycle and be honest with who I am and what I have created.
I don't need to walk into the wild to be alone, I know alone and being in the forest will do nothing to help me be more alone.

How do I learn to listen.
I want to listen to my heart, i want to override my desire to be more than i am and live with satisfaction/fullness that i am.
If i could I would go back and tell myself to take the other road, we can not alter our past, we can only forgive our decisions and recover. I am here now. How to I get from here to where I want to be.

I am not looking for solace in another, i want to re-learn my senses, I have destroyed what made me "me".
I can't hear
I can't see
I can't smell
I can't feel
I can't taste
I can't feel love

What do I do to shed the numbness of my life.
The mesa, the slabs, the rails, the locations are limitless?
Don't say leave it, walk away, no one leaves everything.
I am willing to go limitless.
I know lonely, I have no one.
They can not hear me and I can not hear them.........I am lonely, I am lost, I have everything, I have nothing.

a muse, for a life - save one; here
I crave, I desire, I beg for freedom from my chains.

This is who I am. This is my introduction.

 

[kaichulita]

Very poetic. Welcome to StP. Hopefully, you find what you're looking for.

 

[Durp]

Welcome! The point of wandering into a forest is not to be alone, but to be surrounded by much good company. You go sit quietly, not making a sound. Before long you will hear Mr field mouse running, scurrying home. If you are still and lucky maybe the Fox will grace you with his presence. The Forrest is alive and would love to exchange energy with you, long as you open up your mind and heart and allow it to.

 

[Deleted member 13433]

Bam !!

I am with you Ande1968 and I am pretty damn close to what and how you are feeling, holy cow did you sum that up just right.................... !!

That's exactly it - you get given enough rope to hang one's self, and that's exactly what happens..... we fall into that trap.

The lucky ones recognize the danger before it's too late, and come here [come back here in my case] for inspiration and advice and offerings of our own life experiences.

It's all good.

Welcome.

 

[CelticWanderer]

go to a rainbow gathering, get buff as fuck and hike the AT, stick yer thumb out and go on an adventure. When your not getting anything outta life go do sometihng fuckin nuts and maybe you'll find what you need. Good luck man, hope you find what you're lookin for and hope this website helps ya, theres a wealth of information here.

 

[4t7]

I know this is who you are and it's your intro but damn man, this resonates pretty deeply within me.

 

[Art101]

I think this hits us all some where.It is why we are here.I know I am in a cage of my own doing and it sux.I hate getting up I hate going to bed.It is all just a mad scramble to try and make sense of life and the reasoning behind my choices.On the flip side if you are running from a problems they follow.Trust me on this.My demons were always right behind me,when I stopped they were right there.Its tough to find that happy balance in any life.I hope you can find that happy balance and welcome.

 

[Ande1968]

I would like to say thank you for the kind comments and the warm welcome.

I am ready, I am not afraid, I am prepared to not be prepared. I am stationary and prepared to rubber tramp.
Why can I not release, why is it my feet stuck in the concrete, why is my mind stuck in the day to day. I want to release, i desperately want to release from the system, the grind.

Again, I thank all that commented and replied.

 

[Ande1968]

go to a rainbow gathering, get buff as fuck and hike the AT, stick yer thumb out and go on an adventure. When your not getting anything outta life go do sometihng fuckin nuts and maybe you'll find what you need. Good luck man, hope you find what you're lookin for and hope this website helps ya, theres a wealth of information here.

Good idea, maybe hit the gym and work my body mind and soul to exhaustion. prep the body some more. allow the body to catch up with the heart.

 

[Ande1968]

I think this hits us all some where.It is why we are here.I know I am in a cage of my own doing and it sux.I hate getting up I hate going to bed.It is all just a mad scramble to try and make sense of life and the reasoning behind my choices.On the flip side if you are running from a problems they follow.Trust me on this.My demons were always right behind me,when I stopped they were right there.Its tough to find that happy balance in any life.I hope you can find that happy balance and welcome.

Thank you for the comment, I assure you and all others there are no demons, I have put all to bed, nothing should or could chase me. I can only comment on what I know, I could meet and or wake some demons, I will need to be careful and try to treat all others as I want to be treated, do unto others.

 

[CelticWanderer]

Good idea, maybe hit the gym and work my body mind and soul to exhaustion. prep the body some more. allow the body to catch up with the heart.

Do you write by any chance? There is poetry in everything you say. Exercise is one thing that helps me alot with depression and feelings of being stuck, it feels like progress, real progress that matters. When you end up rubber tramping hit Hw 10 across the midwest and west coast. Its beautiful down there.

 

[Ande1968]

Do you write by any chance? There is poetry in everything you say. Exercise is one thing that helps me alot with depression and feelings of being stuck, it feels like progress, real progress that matters. When you end up rubber tramping hit Hw 10 across the midwest and west coast. Its beautiful down there.

No I don't write to critical of my own words. I can not re-read anything I write otherwise i would never post. I write spell check and post. otherwise I would go crazy analyzing every word and sentence.