I've been a terrible partner

[Deleted member 19100]

Looking back at all my romantic relationships, I've been pretty reckless and caused a lot of harm. Nobody died, became pregnant, nor did I cheat. But I did break people's trust. In my eyes, that's just as heinous because you're never the same after that. You'll always be wary and that detracts from the joy of being in a relationship, of life itself. No? I feel absolutely terrible that I've been a source of this. The cause from what I've been able to reflect on, is that I abused drugs and alcohol. But I also lose that energy, the drive you need to be a good partner. To my best knowledge, the source of this is mental illness: depression. This, coupled with the self medication allowed me to fail my partners. And I thoroughly hate myself for it.

I no longer strive to become a good partner. I no longer strive to become anybody's partner: I've been single for over a year now and I will remain single and abstinent for the rest of my days. But I need to know how to move past this. How do I reconcile with myself over the harm I've caused? How do I stop hating myself?

Thanks,
Stephen

 

[roughdraft]

realize that this is not a distinct problem that is personally yours...that it's something many can relate to and that it is something you can handle, or begin to handle, now that you have recognized it

that's a good start

you don't have to write off relationships forever because people and circumstances change. you feel this way now but it CAN be a stepping stone toward a better way of being

 

[Deleted member 19100]

Thanku.

 

[Odin]

You know I'm stoned,,, so at first I wanted to make fun of this thread...
\
But thats dumb shit...

I know its messed up trying to find a way in this life ... and even more finding a cool person...

@Dontaskme its good that you can be reflective... and I don't know the ... big story but don't kick yer self in the shin to long. YOu can always choose a path and it might take you to someone or someplace good.

 

[Hobo Mud]

Being able to recognize that there are issues and behavriors that you need to change is the first step to any solution or problem pertaing to what it is your describing. You can't change what you don't acknowledge.

From what I read in your posting it seems like you have taken that first critical step. I suspect you need to learn to focus on forgiving yourself, this is much easier said than done at times. There is no correct answer pertaining to when this process will occur, you will forgive yourself when your ready to and when the time is right for you.

Don't be so hard on yourself, we all fuck up and probably have been shitty parterners at some point or time. Remember each day is a new day and a new chance for a new start, a new chance to right the wrongs.

You never know what the future may hold so dont sell yourself short. Self discovery is not always a pleasant thing. I wish you nothing but the best of luck friend and safe travels to you.

 

[Deleted member 19100]

Thanks for not making fun, that would've hurt. Thank you for the advice

 

[Deleted member 19100]

@Hobo Mud Thanks mate. I really want nothing more than to forgive myself. Some peace would be heavenly. I know, I shouldn't be so hard on myself but it's the absolute opposite of the person I wanted to become... I'll try to let go of that thought then

 

[Hobo Mud]

@Hobo Mud Thanks mate. I really want nothing more than to forgive myself. Some peace would be heavenly. I know, I shouldn't be so hard on myself but it's the absolute opposite of the person I wanted to become... I'll try to let go of that thought then

Your very welcome. Remember that time, willingness and patients is key to anytype of change within. All bad habbits or change within takes time.

Once again this is and can be easier said than done however with enough effort and work it can be accomplished. Nothing worth having is ever easy......... Hope to hear things get better for you in the future.

 

[Jerrell]

Perhaps an existential journey is in order?

 

[CaptainCassius]

Like others have said, it's not an issue singular to you although the names and places have been changed.

Walking the earth is a good way to start, it gives you a lot of time to figure it out in your own way. Self forgiveness is hard, and it may never come but; acknowledgement of what you've deemed unacceptable behavior for yourself and a desire and mindset to no longer be that person you dislike or hate is the first step in a series to accept who you are and the things you cannot change in the past and become the person you want to be.

Best of luck to you. It's a rocky road to Dublin it is.

 

[deleted user]

Often I feel the same way for the unfathomable selfish and stupid way I was to a partner when I was younger.
I got too caught up with my own problems. Became distant, became a rotten friend, I stopped listening, plenty of other bullshit on my end, and when it finally ended it was clumsy and awful. We both battled serious depression too; it was shitty.

I have accepted that I will probably never find the same companionship, and I still feel after 4 years that it serves me right. Damaging trust from someone you love like that is goddamn awful. Especially when after 4 years you realize how rare that person is and that how close you were equates to longer and heavilyer pain for them to carry from the broken trust.

I agree though don't beat yourself up too bad. Like @rana y sapo said circumstances change, and my 4 year loneliness is exceptional as I bag on all cylinders being someone not to be with. If anything your empathy and mindfulness will make you a better partner in the future. You know you won't do it again, don't have regrets, everyone makes mistakes.

 

[Deleted member 19100]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the honest advice and respect you all had for me I'm hoping that this thread helps jump-starts the process of forgiving myself. But seeing as this is foreign territory me it may take some time. I'm in no rush though, baby steps and one day at a time. You're some pretty kool cats here on StP. Thanks again.

 

[roughdraft]

sounds like you're in the right frame of mind now, keep on keepin on

 

[Tude]

Good job everyone - good information!! And to @Dontaskme - it will happen - and you will know when the time is right. Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 20683]

i, too, have been a terrible partner and have felt very similarly about it. there are some really good points in this thread, but also some of them i have heard myself and didn't find too helpful. like what does it mean to "focus on forgiving yourself"? i mean, don't beat yourself up - that leads back towards despair and self-medication. but maybe try and just put it all out of mind for a while and just focus on being a better you day by day. not because of something you did that you can't get over and not because you are in a rush to get over it, but just because it's the most important thing you can do! self-improvement phases often correlate with being single. it might not have to be forever, but it might have to be a while, til you really understand what happened and let go of all of it and its causes. then one day you can look at that person you were and really genuinely feel the distance, and be able to honestly explain to yourself how you got down that path and - later, maybe even much later - what makes you ready to be with someone again.

it can be very habit-forming to have a partner, especially on the road where you may spend a huge amount of intense time together, and very crushing to lose that. in my experience all-or-nothing type thinking isn't always helpful. you don't have to be that person ever again, but focusing on the anguish connected to it probably isn't going to help.

 

[Deleted member 19100]

@ oak moth Good point mate, I almost raised the question of how do I forgive myself in with my earlier response. But there's lot's of professional resources out there for that and I have actually forgiven myself before for being such an awkward introvert growing up. So I'm hoping that I can use that experience here.

Why did I ask for help with this if I've gone through the process before? Because this time I hurt others and that made it different. I would often bounce back between "okay, time to move on" and "no, you don't get to be happy after what you did". To hear some of you with first hand experience say "We've been there mate, it's OKAY to forgive yourself" is what I needed. Can't thank you all enough.

Perhaps another misfit like me (or us rather haha) will stumble upon this thread and learn from it. I hesitated posting this for a while, but I'm glad I did in the end.

 

[Deleted member 20683]

yes it is DEFINITELY okay and indeed necessary to forgive oneself. i guess the "how" is a big part of what i was trying to get at, it's not that you need to forgive yourself and THEN make progress (which is part of what used to confuse me). i would say focus on moving forward and that is how the work of self-forgiveness happens.

then again, it is ok (and perhaps also necessary, as motivation) to be upset with yourself too. and there may be people who won't forgive you soon or ever and that's part of what you don't need to be concerned with, except to the extent that you don't want to put yourself or anyone else through that sort of situation again.

....as i may have mentioned im an aspie, can't always tell if i'm being too obvious or too obscure, or if my tone is right or whatever.

 

[Odin]

Life is complicated and forgiving your own mistakes is just as important as forgiving those that have trespassed against you... to say it in a way.

I try to find the splinter in my own eye before preaching to another I think may be blind.

I think we all could just use quite time reflection and hold your own "heart" in your hands and look at it with serious wonder and curiosity.

Perhaps we all can be better in this confusing existence.

Let the World Turn and your peace be with you.

 

[Deleted member 19100]

Coming on 3 years since I originally posted this.. The big question is: have I forgiven myself for the pain I've deflected onto others? The answer at this time: I've begun to.

Deflected is a key word in these circumstances. I now understand that the person who caused my initial pain, was subject to horrors of their own. I know where it really comes from; an endless cycle. I couldn't blame the person responsible, so I held it in as best I could. It forced its way out from time to time, causing the shit I'm talking about right now.

Understanding where this all came from is a hell of a relief, but certainly not complete. The best way I can work towards that, is by making peace with all I was subject to.

If there's a message I want to communicate, that's it: If you did wrong to others, you were likely wronged by someone else. You gotta make peace with that or else you continue this cycle.