How and when to discuss polyamory with potential partners

[Fuzzypeach]

I find that just out with is the best way. I have been in a poly relationship for 20 years. I was out with it the day we met. We have just had our 18th anniversary. A year ago my husband transitioned into a woman. AFF.com is a great poly dating site. It does cost and there are more men than woman on there. At least there, people are expecting poly people. Don't waste time beating around the bush (LOL, pun intended). Meeting people on the road might be a bit tricky because you are a moving Target.

 

[Katbearfoot]

Thanks everyone for your viewpoints! I had a rough year or so trying to find a partner.. but I learned a lot.
I will try to summarize.. rejection can hurt and be frustrating, but remember that the person is not rejecting you, they are rejecting the proposal for intimacy.. it does not reflect how awesome you are (because you are amazing!)
When the right person (or people) comes along, their interest in you will be obvious. They will want to spend time with you.
The easiest way for me to communicate about polyamory is to just simply tell the other person what I want out of a relationship.
I've recently found a partner that is more compatible with me than anyone I've met. We get along great and are very well matched sexually (we both desire lots of sex). We are currently monogamous, but I've requested that we be open and honest with each other about our desires.. if one of us wants to sleep with someone else, then we should be open about it. I just want us both to be free and happy.
I wish you all the best in love and life
❤❤❤❤❤
P.s:. Me and my former lover are still great friends and will be forever. He lives in England and we stay in touch. We follow our own paths and find bliss along the way.
Open and honest communication, baby!

 

[Deleted member 24782]

I think I'd rather be a swinger, than in a "polyamorous" relationship.

 

[roughdraft]

my first love at 18 wanted this Polyamory and i left her over it, notable that she brought it up a little too late and as others have pointed out, better to be 100% about it before it starts really taking off, let alone lovemaking...this fucked me up for years and I kinda thought Hm...what if... after the fact. Until I met someone else even more compatible but you know how it goes.

Fastforward I think of it as ideally the best option, conceptually I find it very beautiful but I would imagine you need some very mature and compatible, loving and very bright people, lest it seem too forced and just a crew of fuck buddies

 

[Deleted member 24782]

my first love at 18 wanted this Polyamory and i left her over it, notable that she brought it up a little too late and as others have pointed out, better to be 100% about it before it starts really taking off, let alone lovemaking...this fucked me up for years and I kinda thought Hm...what if... after the fact. Until I met someone else even more compatible but you know how it goes.

Fastforward I think of it as ideally the best option, conceptually I find it very beautiful but I would imagine you need some very mature and compatible, loving and very bright people, lest it seem too forced and just a crew of fuck buddies

Very similar to my first experience. I'm 18 at the time and my radical feminist girlfriend says we should "make out with other people." I'm like ok sure, so I hit the road, fool around a little bit, no sex though. I come back to town and she's fuckin' the neighbor on a regular basis and I'm not even allowed over to her house anymore. So yeah, long story short, I leave her. I'm happily married now but the thought of sex with other people crosses my mind often, we talk/joke about it sometimes but I highly doubt it will ever become commonplace in our relationship. I mean sex is so great but I do have a lot more important things to do before I die than just fuck.

Not to mention the majority of people I've known over the past 15 years are incapable of having ONE healthy relationship, so it's no surprise with their open/poly relationships end up in total disaster, white lies, and drama.

 

[roughdraft]

Not to mention the majority of people I've known over the past 15 years are incapable of having ONE healthy relationship, so it's no surprise with their open/poly relationships end up in total disaster, white lies, and drama.

fuckin right my man that's just the cold truth

and in a way it's even more evidence..well this is how i see it... it requires a lot of strength, some high fkin consciousness to pull off.. it aint something for most.. let alone common or deathly inexperienced folks.. i might be just droolin now, it's cool to see someone else relate anyhow

 

[Older Than Dirt]

You pretty much take your life in your hands when you speak to another human you are attracted to.

Then you remove each other's outside when you get close. Love is seldom easy.

My first exposure to "polyamory" was older hippies, and Heinlein's phallocentric version in Stranger In A Strange Land. I concluded that was some shit for hippies.

I'm not sure i envy those that can make polyamory work, but your life is not really my business, is it, and i think it's cool in theory. It does sound complicated, and like it involves a lot of time i would rather spend cooking or gardening or riding the bike or something. Probably i am an old Puritan.

 

[Fuzzypeach]

One thing

Very similar to my first experience. I'm 18 at the time and my radical feminist girlfriend says we should "make out with other people." I'm like ok sure, so I hit the road, fool around a little bit, no sex though. I come back to town and she's fuckin' the neighbor on a regular basis and I'm not even allowed over to her house anymore. So yeah, long story short, I leave her. I'm happily married now but the thought of sex with other people crosses my mind often, we talk/joke about it sometimes but I highly doubt it will ever become commonplace in our relationship. I mean sex is so great but I do have a lot more important things to do before I die than just fuck.

Not to mention the majority of people I've known over the past 15 years are incapable of having ONE healthy relationship, so it's no surprise with their open/poly relationships end up in total disaster, white lies, and drama.

One thing is certain. Poly WILL NOT fix a broken relationship. However, if you aren't wired to be monogamous, forcing monogamy is as disastrous as forcing poly in a relationship. (Look at how many people cheat.) One thing it does to is take the burden off each other to be everything to each other. It can be a godsend if someone is going through a serious illness. Having someone else around really helps in that situation.

 

[roughdraft]

One thing

One thing is certain. Poly WILL NOT fix a broken relationship. However, if you aren't wired to be monogamous, forcing monogamy is as disastrous as forcing poly in a relationship. (Look at how many people cheat.) One thing it does to is take the burden off each other to be everything to each other. It can be a godsend if someone is going through a serious illness. Having someone else around really helps in that situation.

You illustrated perfectly a couple huge points why I think this is such an important topic...

One it´s sad, to say the least, a lot of people who can´t ¨realize¨ polymory out of some, fear or lack of good influence, or whatever, and try to force monogamy. And what happens? people die over this,¨¨ cant stand to see their partner with someone else...¨¨ and if not, lots of suffering

Two I think it´s more well documented and understood, say a couple has been together, forever, and one gets physically very ill, and just for example, can´t have sex, or needs to legitimately rest for 20 hours a day and not even talk - but one partner wants to stay by them, yet they want to have sex as well, and-or they want more than a smidgen of intimate conversation. It makes so much sense, it´s so obvious, it´s almost mainstream, to bring someone else into the picture. The rationale is strong, and I´d like to believe it can work, often, and in different ways.

But what about mental illness? Not saying everyone who is poly is mentally ill, don´t get me wrong - but I think, personally, everyone, Everyone - is somewhat mentally ill - and everyone ought to be more inclined to give each other a break, be more forgiving, if for any reason that we´re all more than capable of realizing the world as is is very very fucked up, and so much out of our control, so what can we do to be more loving to each other?? Is that not the LEAST we can do? - Especially with the person you ¨are in love with¨.

I´ve never been in a poly relationship, but it makes so much sense to me these days. Again, it´s theory in these posts of mine, not spoken from practice.

 

[XAlbertaWarriorWomenX]

happy for you!

 

[XAlbertaWarriorWomenX]

Very similar to my first experience. I'm 18 at the time and my radical feminist girlfriend says we should "make out with other people." I'm like ok sure, so I hit the road, fool around a little bit, no sex though. I come back to town and she's fuckin' the neighbor on a regular basis and I'm not even allowed over to her house anymore. So yeah, long story short, I leave her. I'm happily married now but the thought of sex with other people crosses my mind often, we talk/joke about it sometimes but I highly doubt it will ever become commonplace in our relationship. I mean sex is so great but I do have a lot more important things to do before I die than just fuck.

Not to mention the majority of people I've known over the past 15 years are incapable of having ONE healthy relationship, so it's no surprise with their open/poly relationships end up in total disaster, white lies, and drama.

Wow I feel for you on that

 

[Fuzzypeach]

Wow I feel for you on that

Sorry your previous partner was a jerk. It DOES work, if everyone involved is respectful and genuinely honest.