This story is about my first encounter with our beloved train police, and it has proven to me that drunken stupidity and stubbornness can have it's upsides. I was sitting in Tucson for a couple weeks, I had just arrived from Quartzsite with a couple from WA named James and Ashley....I met up with a future friend of mine named Shane at the info shop there in town. We spent most of our time going to bum feeds (had a nice Thanksgiving one, thank you) drinking in the tunnels, and even got caught down there. The police, when they caught us used their brilliant police logic and explained to us that if we "wouldn't go and smoke a joint, why would we walk through some tunnels?" Righhhht....They even handcuffed me after refusing to show my ID, even though there clearly were no signs posted and the only reason we got caught in the first place is 'cause some homebums decided to sleep in the entrance...Good thing I had ditched my weed in the tunnel before they saw me, 'cause even having a single seed or a stem is a felony in Arizona and I even tried to go the other way but they followed me in there and caught me, and our converstation went something like this -
Pigs - "Is there anyone else in these tunnels"
Me (stoned and being an ass) - "Uh, I'm not sure...its really dark in here, so there's a good 20, or 25 percent chance that there could or could not be someone in these tunnels"
Pigs - "Get the fuck out there and sit down next to your friends"
Other pigs - "Do you have an ID?"
Me - "I don't know, do I even have to show you that, we were just passing through and there are no signs posted. Tell us what we did wrong."
On went the handcuffs and they brilliantly explained to us their smoking weed versus being in tunnels metaphor, and even though we blatantly told 'em we weren't gonna pay for the tickets and were leaving that weekend, they still let us go...lucky me. One of the cops was really upset about my percentages inquiry and said something to me like this -
Pig - "Got any drugs on you?"
Me - "Nope, (looks at the ground)"
Pig - "Are you sure? What percent sure you? 20? 110?"
Me - "How could I be 20 or 110? I'm pretty I'd know what I had on me, so 20 seems outta the question, and 110 just sounds ridiculous and over the top."
The cop just looked confused and shut up. Seriously. These were bike cops. The fuck ups of the cop world.
Me - "I want my knife back"
On rolls the weekend, and we weren't gonna let this little infraction delay our plans. We were gonna leave, so we re-upped on food and water and headed to the yard, ran across the freeway and used our brand new fence cutters on the fence. We thought it would be a good idea to go during the day, I blame the alcohol , and even worse to hide in some desert shrubs next to the fence and just wait for the train to roll up. Which it did, and it was a piggy back. We were good to go, but at the last second Ashley and James get off the train - right in front of the bull. They get off on his side and then he spotted Shane and I and it went a little something like this...
Bull - "Get off this fucking train"
We get off on the opposite side.
Bull - "Not that side, THIS side."
Us - "No way"
We hopped over the fence instead of giving away our fence hole...we sat on the rocks and watched our friends get tickets...
Shane - "Why did you get off on the bulls side?"
Ashley - "I don't know, sorry"
James - "It's something we're willing to live with"
Shane - "Don't ever do that again"
Shane - "Why did you even get off in the first place?"
Ashley - "I don't know, we wanted to ride together or something. I don't know..."
We stayed right there on those rocks and more drinking ensued and eventually night time rolled around...this time a suicide rolls up for us to ride, and having never ridden one of those before, I was a little nervous but ready for it either way. Shane and I were dirty, Ashley and James were clean.
Shane - "I normally don't ride these, but I'm drunk"
Me - "Seriously?!?"
Shane - "Yeah, this us fucking up right now"
Me - "Well, fuck it"
Shane - "Are you scared?"
Me - "Yeah a little"
Shane - "Don't worry about it, none of this matters, it will be okay, just stay down and hang on tight"
The next ten minutes that passed seemed like an eternity. Crazy thoughts started racing through my head. Why am I doing this? For the bragging rights? That's stupid...what if I fall off? That hole is really fucking big. What if my dog falls off? Screw it, I'm just gonna do it and hang on tight.
James pokes his head up.
James - "I'm not doing this"
Shane - "Why, just stay there dude!"
Ashley - "Stay here"
James - "No, if my girlfriend falls off, I'm gonna have to live with that for the rest of my life it. It's not worth it."
Us - "Fine"
We all get off. Shane is last and falls off the train head first, in the rocks. Then the bull rolls up. The same one, again. At this point we were too frustrated and drunk to run.
Bull - "You two, the ones who ran, let's see some ID"
Me - "Here yah go"
Shane - "I don't have one, but my name is Steven A Suckmycock. Aras! GET 'EM!"
Bull - "Get your dog away from me"
Bull - "Listen, I'm gonna write you tickets now, and you all are Hollywood celebrities, you're on camera up here, go hide under that bridge down there, the next train comes at 1 am"
Us - "Wait...Really?!?"
Shane - "You know I'm not gonna pay this, right?"
Bull - "I don't care, just don't hide up here, hide under the bridge. You can even camp there if you want. Just stay outta the camera's range up here."
Wow. There is a god. Maybe. He wasn't lying though, we caught a '53 double stack and made it into El Paso early the next morning. Not bad for a first encounter with the bull, no?
Pigs - "Is there anyone else in these tunnels"
Me (stoned and being an ass) - "Uh, I'm not sure...its really dark in here, so there's a good 20, or 25 percent chance that there could or could not be someone in these tunnels"
Pigs - "Get the fuck out there and sit down next to your friends"
Other pigs - "Do you have an ID?"
Me - "I don't know, do I even have to show you that, we were just passing through and there are no signs posted. Tell us what we did wrong."
On went the handcuffs and they brilliantly explained to us their smoking weed versus being in tunnels metaphor, and even though we blatantly told 'em we weren't gonna pay for the tickets and were leaving that weekend, they still let us go...lucky me. One of the cops was really upset about my percentages inquiry and said something to me like this -
Pig - "Got any drugs on you?"
Me - "Nope, (looks at the ground)"
Pig - "Are you sure? What percent sure you? 20? 110?"
Me - "How could I be 20 or 110? I'm pretty I'd know what I had on me, so 20 seems outta the question, and 110 just sounds ridiculous and over the top."
The cop just looked confused and shut up. Seriously. These were bike cops. The fuck ups of the cop world.
Me - "I want my knife back"
On rolls the weekend, and we weren't gonna let this little infraction delay our plans. We were gonna leave, so we re-upped on food and water and headed to the yard, ran across the freeway and used our brand new fence cutters on the fence. We thought it would be a good idea to go during the day, I blame the alcohol , and even worse to hide in some desert shrubs next to the fence and just wait for the train to roll up. Which it did, and it was a piggy back. We were good to go, but at the last second Ashley and James get off the train - right in front of the bull. They get off on his side and then he spotted Shane and I and it went a little something like this...
Bull - "Get off this fucking train"
We get off on the opposite side.
Bull - "Not that side, THIS side."
Us - "No way"
We hopped over the fence instead of giving away our fence hole...we sat on the rocks and watched our friends get tickets...
Shane - "Why did you get off on the bulls side?"
Ashley - "I don't know, sorry"
James - "It's something we're willing to live with"
Shane - "Don't ever do that again"
Shane - "Why did you even get off in the first place?"
Ashley - "I don't know, we wanted to ride together or something. I don't know..."
We stayed right there on those rocks and more drinking ensued and eventually night time rolled around...this time a suicide rolls up for us to ride, and having never ridden one of those before, I was a little nervous but ready for it either way. Shane and I were dirty, Ashley and James were clean.
Shane - "I normally don't ride these, but I'm drunk"
Me - "Seriously?!?"
Shane - "Yeah, this us fucking up right now"
Me - "Well, fuck it"
Shane - "Are you scared?"
Me - "Yeah a little"
Shane - "Don't worry about it, none of this matters, it will be okay, just stay down and hang on tight"
The next ten minutes that passed seemed like an eternity. Crazy thoughts started racing through my head. Why am I doing this? For the bragging rights? That's stupid...what if I fall off? That hole is really fucking big. What if my dog falls off? Screw it, I'm just gonna do it and hang on tight.
James pokes his head up.
James - "I'm not doing this"
Shane - "Why, just stay there dude!"
Ashley - "Stay here"
James - "No, if my girlfriend falls off, I'm gonna have to live with that for the rest of my life it. It's not worth it."
Us - "Fine"
We all get off. Shane is last and falls off the train head first, in the rocks. Then the bull rolls up. The same one, again. At this point we were too frustrated and drunk to run.
Bull - "You two, the ones who ran, let's see some ID"
Me - "Here yah go"
Shane - "I don't have one, but my name is Steven A Suckmycock. Aras! GET 'EM!"
Bull - "Get your dog away from me"
Bull - "Listen, I'm gonna write you tickets now, and you all are Hollywood celebrities, you're on camera up here, go hide under that bridge down there, the next train comes at 1 am"
Us - "Wait...Really?!?"
Shane - "You know I'm not gonna pay this, right?"
Bull - "I don't care, just don't hide up here, hide under the bridge. You can even camp there if you want. Just stay outta the camera's range up here."
Wow. There is a god. Maybe. He wasn't lying though, we caught a '53 double stack and made it into El Paso early the next morning. Not bad for a first encounter with the bull, no?
