Deuces!!!

[Jimmy Beans]

Had a conversation with @SlankyLanky the other day and we got on the subject of droppin deuces, came to the realization that almost everyone has a story. So here's mine;

Summertime 1996 - My buddy invites me to come stay at his house in Chico California, he picks me up from the Amtrak and we arrive at his house. As I walk into the living room I'm introduced to a couple hippie lookin cats. It all happens so fast, my buddy has the misfortune of having to work that night. He's actually gotta leave soon, he turns to one of the hippie lookin cats and says "Topher will you hang out with Jason, show him around or whatever?" Topher is real chill, he's like "sure man I'm actually about to head over to a party these nudist girls I know are throwing you wanna go?

I'm like uhh yeah that sounds alright so we smoke some bowls and head out on foot. It's now dark outside, it seems like we're walking across the entire town. At some point my stomach starts actin real peculiar-like. I'm not liking the way it's feeling at all. It's doing all those rumbles and grumbles, it's on some level even painful. Then at once, it's immediately clear that I have a fucking problem! I have to shit, and it's gonna be burls. My butthole feels hot, I feel like I can't even hold it in much longer. I have to physically stop in my tracks, we're standing in the middle of a road and I turn to Topher and tell him I have to shit.

He's like yeah all good we're almost there I'm all "No, dude.. you don't understand. I HAVE to shit, like right this instant." He's like it's cool we're not even that far away it's right up the street. He's still trying to walk I'm just frozen, ass spokes are loosening up as each second passes. I might shit right here, I can't fucking move this is brutal. Topher just go ahead of me I tell him. GO ahead, I'll find the place if it's just up ahead I gotta find a place to shit sorry. He agrees to go ahead without me, I peel off the road to my right.

Apartment complex, rather small. I get to the first bush in sight, slide behind it shove my pants to my ankles and scoot my feet forward while my back is to the wall and I blast the ground with horrendous diarrhea, it's fucking savage. I notice I'm basically 3 feet from someone's door, I'm practically under their porch light. If anyone walks outside from any of these apartments there's 100% chance I'm being spotted, I'm not hidden at all really this bush is only 4 foot tall at best.

Uncontrollable and explosive here comes more. I let out at least three massively muddy shits, I feel like I have to go more but I need to get the fuck out of here too. I rip my boxers off and tear them in half, wipe my ass as best I can with both pieces and drop em. Pull my pants up and I'm heading back towards the road when it all comes right back again. I feel exactly like I did on the road when Topher and I parted ways. Ass spokes completely busted now, I'm barely hanging onto this.

I scurry off into the back of the small complex and find a slightly better location. More bushes, trees. This is legit, I let it go again. Felt like a hot gallon of mud just ripping through my butthole with tremendous force. I finish up, remove my socks and wipe with those. Still felt gross, used leaves from nearby bushes. Finally I exit the complex and I'm on the road, I reach the end of the complex and I hear music. I'm two houses past the complex and I realize I'm at the party.

I felt so gross and sort of annoyed Topher didn't just say it's two houses past here, I bet I could have made it had I known it was THAT close. I approach the door, already I gotta shit again. Some random dude answers, I ask "where's the restroom?" he points to the hallway, I enter. I go into the restroom, I can hear the life of the party is out back. The window of the restroom is open, I close it. I fucking destroy this restroom. I feel like it smells so bad in here my clothes are going to carry the stench out with me.

I spend probably 20 minutes in that restroom just being 100% sure I have it all out of me. I walk out that hallway and right the fuck back out the front door. I walk all the way back to the house alone and didn't see Topher for another few days. He had all kinds of questions. It was definitely the most embarrassing first impression I've made with someone I continued to be friends with.

What's your shitty story? Everyone's got one.

 

[Minky]

Wow!

 

[roguetrader]

I once made a single beef burger using a whole Bhut Jolokia chilli, at the time the second hottest varierty in the world.... somehow I consumed said burger without too much pain but the next day was a whole different story... about 11am I felt my guts lurch and bubble ominously so I ran into a nearby pub toilet - spent the next hour or more dribbling bright orange nuclear waste out the back door, I stripped off all my clothes because I was absolutely drenched in sweat, my skin went pale and goose pimply and the chilli pain on my a-hole was causing me to gasp and squeal and curse non stop - it was truly the mythical Ring Of Fire, no Indian or Mexican meal has ever come close to the sting of that one chilli, rated at 1.3 million on the Scoville Scale....

 

[roughdraft]

I'm typically a master at gauging whether a fart, no matter how grand, will jettison some shart out with it. twice in my adult life i have been wrong

one day back in like 2013 I'm sitting with my roommate after having a healthy breakfast of black coffee and raw spinach (last time i made this mistake) in nice cargo shorts and feel one comin...much as i do right now while typing this..and let it bang. except it was a few shots of spinach shart. now another thing is i never wear underwear so this green pool was all through my shorts and the cushion of the chair. I pretty much could not process what had happened but my roommate sure as fuck did, dyin laughin...

the second time was in a hostel bed...i was really ill and had been shitting liquid all day; i should have known better - thank the lawd i was alone at this moment...i just put a few blankets over it before i went to sleep and left very fuckin early in the morning...no way was i going to tell the hostel worker 'hey guess what? i shit the bed!' not to big myself up but for sure - i am Not the most cowardly person - that being said - in that moment i took the coward's route and likely would 100 times over!

 

[Deleted member 125]

ive been thinking all afternoon about which one of my "oopsie" stories i was gonna share but i figured ide keep it short and sweet and provide a picture instead of a wall of text.

i was hanging out with my partner at the time in my underwear on our couch drinking whiskey and probably watching something stupid on netflix when i felt that the old muffler needed to release some steam, so i lean back and push out what i thought at the time was just gonna be a loud belcher but turned out to be a steady leaking stream of shit that soaked right through my underwear right onto our couch. my partner knew from the look on my face that i had indeed shat myself inches away from her and responded with something along the lines of "did you just shit on the couch? you are not even human".

 

[Jimmy Beans]

"did you just shit on the couch? you are not even human"

This line attached to that picture is exactly why I wanted this thread to be a thing. This is fucking golden...brown..mostly brown.

 

[Deleted member 125]

like you said man...it happens to everyone at least once. some of us more then others.

 

[Minky]

This is funny stuff! If we're honest it has all happen each of us.

 

[Koala]

Alright, so this one is from my first hitching trip, west coast, 2015. We were in LA, on Hollywood Blvd to be exact, on account of my road dog having never been there before. We were stoned as hell, on account of all the herb drivers had given us on the road down from Seattle. And we had a flight to catch in a few days so we were smoking that stuff just trying to get rid of it all.

So high me really wants ice cream. "But you're lactose intolerant", my road dog says to me. I look at her through the slits of my eyelids. "I don't fucking care, I'm gonna get an oreo McFlurry". So I eat that McFlurry on Hollywood Blvd and it's the best McFlurry of my life. And high us decided to walk up to the Hollywood Sign. It was like 5 miles or something, we just had tons of time to kill.

And not even a mile in, I gotta go. I mean I gotta go. And the only thing around us is sidewalk and asphalt and turf grass and hella rich fancy ass houses and I don't have the guts to blow one out right there. I didn't have anything to clean up with, either.

So I reckon I can make it back down to a gas station. Praying on a bathroom. The longest downhill walk of my life. My eyes are tearing up, I'm squeezing my cheeks together, feel like I'm going to burst at any moment. Of course no bathroom at the gas station. Not at the Subway or Chinese Restaurant or anything.

Finally we back down to the actual Boulevard and I see a bar and literally run inside. I find their bathroom and ahhhhh, sweet relief. Well, the completely burning asshole kind of sweet relief. But anyway I get it all out, wipe it down real good, only minimal shit stain on my leggings. And I return outdoors, feeling born again.

So then I'm walking and laughing it off with my road dog when suddenly, the feeling comes back, but this time even worse. This time, the closest building was a museum that said 'free entry!'. 'Perfect!', we thought.

We go in and they say we can have a seat and the tour will begin shortly. I reckon I can wait a few minutes. I pick up a pamphlet to distract myself from the ball of fury I'm about to give backdoor birth to. Then I realize we're at the fucking Scientology museum. I'm having flashbacks to the goddamn McFlurry that got us into this mess.

After waiting around for 10 minutes or so on their cream-colored couch, I eventually get the receptionist to let me in to the bathroom pre-tour. She could probably see the sweat on my brow and fear in my eyes.

So this time I go in and blast that porcelain throne with all I have in me, burning, internally screaming, clean up real good. Right as I return to my road dog, they are ready for us and the tour...............

And that's the story of how I ended up on 45 minute guided tour of the Scientology Museum on Hollywood Boulevard.

 

[Deleted member 20240]

Stopped by a neighbor/friends house for coffee one morning. She had two cakes on her counter. I asked her if she cared if I had a piece. She's in the bathroom, getting ready for work., and yells" yeah, go for it". I dive into a slice of some bomb ass( pun intended) carrot cake. Something in the taste was a little off, but I thought nothing of it, because I was a poor bastard and hungry as hell. Just as I'm washing my plate, she comes into the kitchen and is like" which one did you have ? I told her and she said " I don't think you should have eaten that one, it's pretty old". Well fuck, now you tell me! Oh well, it's only cake, it shouldn't make me too sick. Wrong! I leave, go to work, pull a double. During break, return a call. It's a guy who I know through friends. I've basically been enamoured with him for the good part of a year because, not only does he have a brain, but he's also hot as shit. Holy hell, he knows I exist. I'm such a Godamn girl. He invites me to his house for a dinner party that night. I go straight from work. My stomach starts cramping up hella bad on the bus. Didn't even think about the godamn cake being satan. Just figured I was hungry again, since it was the only thing I ate all day. Fuck it, im heading to dinner, problem solved right?::banghead:: get there. Mid dinner roll I start sweating like a whore in church. At this point, I have no clue wtf is going on. Maybe it's because I'm nervous, in a room with a bunch of people I don't even know, trying to impress this guy? Jesus, im babbling. Anyway, after dinner, my stomachs wierd, but manageable. One of the guys pulls out a big bag of shrooms and suggests we all have a "sleep" over. WORD! everyone, including me, takes their dose. We're all sitting on the living room floor, in a circle, talking shit, waiting for our shit to kick in, when my SHIT kicks in. luckily, I make it to the bathroom. I spend the entire night bouncing between the futon and toilet, puking and shitting. Fukn misery. I wanna leave, but I'm too sick to do anything but take my obligatory walk to the porceline throne to pay homage. Plus, busses are done for the night. The dude I was initially into ends up being a giant pain in the ass. He keeps insisting on rubbing my back. Like it's going to make me feel better. It just makes me wanna murder him, and stirs up an already SHITTY situation. Dude, are you seriously trying to mac on a violently I'll chick while tripping balls? Jesus, when will it end!!! I finally see the sun and am well enough to catch the first bus the hell outta there. I'm still best friends with the toilet for 2 more days and end up missing work and losing my job because of it. Stupid fucking godamn experience. I still don't eat cake.

 

[croc]

This story is from @Koala and my cross country trip last year.

So we're somehwere on the transcon between KC and Winslow. I have to shit... Real bad. Not like diarrhea shit, just ur average morning shit knock knock kncokin on heaven's door. And of course I'm noticing this just as we're about to pull into a yard where our train gets worked on. "Eh, I can wait." or so I thought.

So our train works for a HOT FUCKIN MINUTE and we're moving forward n back, forward n back, passing other units repeatedly. My well isn't very deep and I'm trynna stay very still under the grate, no room so sit up.... And now I have to piss. Bad.

After waiting til the coast was clear enough I stood up n pissed off the side of the train, still in the yard. Still full of shit.

So I'm going crazy trying to figure out how the fuck I'm gonna shit. "Can I pull it off while laying down? I guess if I'm diagonal enough it won't get on me too bad. I have baby wipes anyway."

So I laid diagonally under this grate, set some supermarket sales flyers under me and did my fucking best. Btw I always carry those sales flyers to shit on trains w to avoid littering plastic bags, works well. I successfully shit while still laying down and when the coast was clear, wrapped it up, and tossed it off the train onto the ballast still in the yard, ass still sticking out my pants lolol. Wiped up, pulled my pants up felt like a new man. Wish I could say it's the first time I've either shit directly onto the ballast or ditched a flyer full of shit in a yard...

Here are some screenshots of koala and my text exchange from different cars.

 

[Deleted member 24782]

My wife is conductor at UP, she's got some really shitty and awkward stories about taking dumps in the engine bathroom and otherwise, I've been trying really hard to get her to write a song about it, but she wont. ) :

When she first hired out, she was working in Martinez, switching tankers for Shell. She was working with this brakeman who had a really bad habit of shitting outside right next to a switch they all had to use. There was literally a pile of human shit near the switch. Yes she ratted him out and he had to stop shitting there.

 

[croc]

She was working with this brakeman who had a really bad habit of shitting outside right next to a switch they all had to use. There was literally a pile of human shit near the switch. Yes she ratted him out and he had to stop shitting there.

Okay i feel less bad now