I am approaching 5 years of sobriety on 3/1/19. I was a real bitter & violent asshole when I drank. (I know I still can be but I am getting better & trying to change, lol) I was a long time binge drinker who could polish the turd so to speak by abstaining while I repaired the damage incurred from my drinking. I got tossed out of the military, have had several DUIs, assault & battery charges while drunken, jaywalking & public nuisance type charges or getting PCd while drinking. I lost jobs, quit jobs, settled for less through life & had few true friends. I was opinionated & abrasive with little filter or contempt for conflict. I craved conflict as I was internally suffering in self induced pain. I craved the escape & conflict from having to deal with me. I recognize today that my drinking was just an underlying symptom of a broken man. While stopping temporally was possible to get new friends, a new job or show the probation officer that I was abstaining; that soul sickness never left me. At age 35 the physical ailments from decades of drinking started. I had adjusted my intake many years prior; I had never tried to intentionally get drunk. I would avoid getting drunk as best i could but it was inevitable once i had a single droop of booze. So I would avoid the hard stuff & only cheap beer if I was buying; if it was free than it didn't matter. Many times I was left out with my so called friends after acting up.
I eventually would vomit blood after drinking. First it started out just at the end of the night then after just a few beers like clockwork. It was accepted & went on for about a year worth of binge drinking. Each drinking escapade would require days in bed after; to heal. Cocaine became a friend a sit slowed down my drunkenness and allowed me to be somewhat civil compared to my drunken state. I was just a lonely dude who would repel all good people with my toxic demeanor. So in late 2013 I decided to try to "STOP" drinking in order to give my liver, ulcers & esophagus time to heal without booze. I lasted a few months white knuckling it without support, a program, a higher power or a plan. As I have never done any drugs without drinking; the lure to alter my psychological mind was not even considered during this dry period. I was just nuts & angry. I was following my fav punk band at that time & got a rideshare to Texas from Worcester & planned to hitch & hop to as many gigs as possible ending in Boston while still aiming to stay "STOPped" drinking.
One little emotional hiccup in Austin broke my eggshell of a will & I was drunk again under a bridge with a homeless Mexican girl after spanging late into the night. That wads the last drink I ever had & no desire or thought has ever returned. I didnt go to detox or a psych hospital. No alternative chemicals helped me get away from my drinking. I simply accepted my defeat under that bridge looking at a pool of blood after only 4 beers. I had been defeated by booze & had surrendered my will over to an unknown higher power as I could not beat my demons. I wasn't even religious or sure about who or what I was surrended myself to.
The lead singer noticed me trying to scrounge up a ticket on the sidewalk in from of Stubbs BBQ and told me that there was a way out of my misery. He said that he too was an alcoholic & once couldn't stay stopped when he finally tried. He told me about AA. I was so lost in my own life with only others around me who drank & drugged; I had forgot about how my mom,dad, grandma & sisters had gotten sober. That fucking cult of loosers was my last hope. I was a looser so I fit right in. The 3rd tradition gave me hope that they couldnty throw me out & they haven't yet. I stayed abstained through Mardi Gras in ATX, NOLA & Birmingham looking up at the sky smirking at God for his sense of humor. I never looked for a drink though. I made it back home to Boston & connected with fellow sober punx in Boston who surrounded the band. I started just going & trying to see my past part in things. I started to learn and to grow up while letting others in. I hid in meetings sometimes 3 a day. I often tell others to come for the coffee & stay for the miracle. My miracle is that I have never had a single desire or thought that I could ever drink again. The mental obsession & all my active alcoholic coping tools were simply removed from my use. I developed a toolbox full of healthy solution based coping skills for my life of inherited & acquired problems.
I never had a traditional sponsor. My sponsor was a dude who I knew from before I got sober. In hindsight I was most likely recruited for sobriety by these dudes. My sponsor was somewhat of an anarchist too & devoted his time to serving the poor and fellow drunks. He had never got past step 4 but was like 20 years sober. He may have been nuts too but he didn't drink no matter what. He went to the same hardcore South Boston AA meetings religiously every day, 2 & 3 a day. We became inseparable. He helped me find my own path out of my own self created abyss. I joined a few home groups in New Bedford and did the recovery rounds. I have only spoke as a speaker from a podium/speaker meeting a few times & almost all of the thousands of attended meeting where discussion meetings based on literature. That being said I have raised my hand at almost every meeting to claim my seat as an alcoholic & participate where able. I never believed in needing to evangelize the faithful & still don't. I drank, I lost & I got sober is the equivalent of all speaker meetings so why add all the pathetic hyperbole? I do believe that in sharing our experience, strength & hope through our story that we can transmit hope. That was what happened for me. I learned that there is a wrench to fit every nut. I also learned that the nut was me & my mind. I got to work collecting the appropriate tools. no longer could I use a sledgehammer & vice grips to fix the multitude of my problems. I could definitely no longer ignore them. It became clear that I could no longer work as a fisherman because I didn't want to be the only guy not drinking & drugging among my former active friends/peers. I needed to change everything about my former drinking self! I couldn't handle much but I got my mind back then a new found clarity eventually manifested. Out of the darkness came a sliver of light.
For my two year anniversary I received my medallion on the tour bus of that band with its sober members helping me celebrate. The next year me & that sponsor dude started touring in support of that bands nonprofit that raised money from substance abuse, kids & veterans. Now here i am an anarchist who questions the rules & is untrustworthy of others; I got sober & became trustworthy. I can & do go months without attending meetings but many of my acquaintances are sober like me. AA worked for me when I desperately needed it but unsure if I wanted it. I pick & choose what works for me in my recovery. I do not throw any money in the basket but no currency could repay what I have so freely received. I never actually went to a Doctor but I have not vomited blood in almost 5 years. I have not been in a fistfight, been arrested and have been celibate for as long too. To each his/her own but this has been what has worked for me. I am a happy non paying customer. This upcoming February I am traveling down to Texas to celebrate being 5 years sober on 3/1/19 where it all began. I have had a falling out with that sponsor & my former favorite band and all though we will all be in that same city some 2,000 miles away from our home. We probably will not be celebrating my 5 years together. That being said; without their suggestions, support & witness that it was possible' I'd be dead today. I know I am lucky & that those recruiters who introduced me to their AA way of life will always be celebrating my anniversaries with me in spirit.
I owe my life to such a simple AA program for all us such complicated people.
