when did you realize you weren't normal?

idk. sometime in hs i began to feel bored to tears by most everything. started cutting class by myself to go skateboard/wander around/ read at the park. at 19 cut contact w friends and family and went homeless bc i wanted to find people that were interesting/inspiring. homeless youth and old timers alike did that well enough for me for awhile. stimulating conversations.. then got bored again and started riding freight. some years later realized i must have some pretty hardcore adhd. as i get older though it has grown slowly easier to, well, slow down ig.

For me the realization was about understanding that I'm extremely introverted and a tad bit misanthropic rather than realizing I'm weird or not normal. I like people on an individual basis but prefer to be alone. I've gotten along with all types; squares, weirdos, and everything in between, at an equal rate. But I have felt like people tend to lose their authenticity when part of larger groups.

The easiest way to say it is I'm not lonely when I'm alone. It's easier. A big chunk of the allure of travelling was knowing I could go walk around in wilderness by myself for months and not have the emotional toil of managing relationships.

Half being queer, half having ADD. I was weird af as a little kid. I loved all kinds of grotesque and macabre stuff, super sensitive and cried or raged at the slightest little prodding. Parents tried to medicate me into zombiedom. Teachers hated my guts cus I was so hyperactive / couldn't pay attention or sit still. Born outsider, through and through. Both the queer/ADD has kept me on the margins. I can't sit still in life in general. Can't stand working the same job or living in the same place for too long. Can't stand anything for longer than a few months. Older I get, the worse my outlook is though. This is fine when you're in your 20s but I'm creeping up on 40 and have nothing to save me from dying on the street. No career, no savings, no partners, no stability, I have nothing. If I could have been normal I would have. Being a weirdo freak ain't what it's cracked up to be. Just leaves you with nothing but regrets on the margins with no way back in.

Normalcy is indeed a myth, but since most people are ok with conforming to whatever someone else says is proper, and what the system conditions them for, they never even discover theres an alternative, or alternatives

I was never such a person, even as a kid before I knew anything about the world, I wanted to understand why something was being done, otherwise I wouldnt want to do it, out of sheer dislike of the disrespect that was given to me to just blindly swallow whatever was put in front of me, because no one wants to explain things to a kid, just do what youre told, unruly child

This curiosity annoys people very much, unless you use great effort to word it how others like, they just want you to shut up and do what the rest are doing, conform, fit in, dont stand out, stop wasting time...

I always knew I was an alien, because my desire and need to come to the bottom of things (the truth) was so important to me

This is also why when I found the Buddhist teachings, I knew I was never the alien, 2600 yeara ago the Buddha already was just as stubborn to discover the truth. Just that the systems now are designed in a way to get us as further away from that as possible, realized people pose a serious risk to established systems and the status quo. No one respects children and no one respects curiosity, the academic system is designed to break all this and make you into a drone, 9-5, profit, repeat

It just shows, how absurd it is, that having this natural curiosity is branded as not normal in todays society and unless you dont conform you are the alien, the weirdo and the problem maker

I envy all the kids born into environments where their natural affinities get explored and not instantly graded and ranked and balooning the ego and cutthroat competitiveness and anti-community in preparation for the capitalist machine

I was about 17 found out that I like to wander and travel, never really fit into the social normal. did a good job of blending in but never really felt like I fit in to any group.