Nihilism, narcissism, gaslighting, empathy and healing

[kidbob]

I dont know where to start, other then to say, "it has already begun".

I got a life story, which is similar in many ways to many of you I assume.
Abuse, abandonment, detachment, depression...
Just a vicious cycle of "co-dependency" and inability to "let go" of "things that dont matter" except...some of those people really really matter to me.

I got a kid.
Cant change it despite how hard I tried to.
What's in the past is just that, a history lesson.
Hes 11.
I have little involvement with him do to my own realizations in my imperfections at a young age.
I have since GROWN.
I am realizing my faults daily.
Not just the act of being faulty, but the mind set that causes these faults in the first place.
I am aware I need help.
I dont think a therapist is really the solution tho.
I lack finances to pursue any kind of endeavor like that.
I'm working on it daily.

Truth:
I think I have an empathic mind set with narcissistic tendencies.
I beleive my sons mother embodies the very picture of a gaslighter.

I'm not trying to place blame or attack anyone, yet she causes me to retreat deep down into my psyche and I just end up feeling helpless.

I'm becoming aware of my own divinity and trying really hard to overcome all obstacles that are in my way in regards to my kid KNOWING that HIS FATHER is there for him, in all ways.

I know according to the books, we should just walk away from each other.
Shes toxic as fuck, and I dont have the clout to fight her in court.
I also have a tendency to be toxic.
I beleive she is a great mother, I know she does to a degree try really hard on my behalf.
I just feel lost.
Like I lost.
I feel trampled, and robbed.
I dont wanna "get even" ... I just wanna get "right".

So if any of you have advice... on dealing with toxic relationships that involve kids... could you help a brother out with some words of encouragement or direction...
I keep telling her that i want what is best for him. With or with out me.
She tells me that me being in his life is for the best... but everytime I get involved, she gaslights me in an attempt to push me away.
Her new husband has a background in psychology, and I feel he has been a silent partner driving her insanity bus rampant... but as I said...hes pretty silent...
Not saying they are bad people...
Not saying I'm better...
Just looking for some insight...
I really cant walk away from my son.
That's my dna.
THATS MY KID.
I take pride in saying that.
I want to put that pride in him.
I just dont know howto get her to let the past go.
I tried to bring the subject of gaslighting up to her...and true to form...she denied and then went off on me...
I just want my kid to be happy with me.
I want him to know the whole story in time. But I cant do that if she is always mentally abusing me.

Any way...gotta get back to work.
Yall have a good day.

 

[roughdraft]

hopefully someone else with a kid will weigh in but i too have people I'm connected to by blood who have gaslit me, whether intentionally or not i guess I'll never be certain, and I've made major efforts in being sympathetic to their own condition but it does sometimes feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot.

 

[Short]

I don’t have any insight or advice because I can’t relate to any of what you’re going through outside of the whole abuse, abandonment, detachment, and depression part(add in a sprinkle of rejection), just want to say I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope with time things work out for both you and your son.

 

[BardoBard]

Dont have kids personally, didnt meet my father until I was 26 and honestly never thought twice about it.

If I had a kid now with someone I couldnt stand being around for any reason, I wouldnt be around all that often, but Id maintain contact and try to be in their life more when they're an adult.

In my mind its healthier not to have someone around as often, vs being the primary cause of their suffering (parents staying in destructive relationships "for the kid")

 

[MFB]

With lots a love,
Quit being a victim, get outta your head.
Act. You know what the right things to do are. Just do them. Every day.
Kids are simple, they need love and food.
You can do that. The rest is superfluous.
Control what you can, forget the rest.

 

[paiche]

I have children and was in a toxic relationship for a decade (the first three years were ok the rest was awful). I went through the legal divorce route. I did it without a lawyer, we did it without much of a fight, we didn't take things from one another and neither of us ask for money unless the kids need something that one parent can not completely provide. The first year was real hard, a lot of distrust but we learned with time to only talk about matters of the children. They are with me for the structured weekdays and with him for the weekends most of the time, we stay flexible. It took so much courage to get out of the relationship, I'm still not sure it was best for the kids but I am better for it and I think that makes me healthier and therefore more supportive and active in their lives. He's also a better person now, not so much of a dead beat. Therefore we are better parents. I only hope it is the best for the kids. I had a supportive friend who lifted me up through it and that was integral for me because I needed the extra strength. The children now have a more diverse life experience with the two different homes and they witness love and warmth rather than fighting and depression. If there is a way you can find to have your own life totally apart from her with the only exception that you see her when dropping off/picking up the child and never meet at the others home, always at a neutral location. Kids need their mother and their father unless they are being abused. Never bad talk the other in front of them or try to keep them away from the other no matter what. Even try to encourage good qualities you see that they are getting from the other parent. You need to be a hero now. That is what being a good parent requires. Eat healthy, get out in nature, do what makes you thrive. Make changes in your life to do what it is that makes you happy. Don't allow her to effect your lifestyle. Find your strength and be your own person. Make it to your child's sporting events or school presentations or whatever and make them feel like they are the most important person on the planet. I wish you the best.

 

[kidbob]

You guys.....
Man...that's some shit I needed to hear.

 

[tchavers]

With lots a love,
Quit being a victim, get outta your head.
Act. You know what the right things to do are. Just do them. Every day.
Kids are simple, they need love and food.
You can do that. The rest is superfluous.
Control what you can, forget the rest.

I co-sign this. I always tell the kids I work with "Take what applies and let the rest fly".

Even if you aren't/can't be around as much as you'd like, make the time that you are count. It doesn't have to be anything huge, but be intentional with your time. Buying stuff doesn't help, building memories does though. Those positive associations will help in the times you aren't around. Don't make commitments you can't keep, a negative association and is usually more powerful for the average person. If you show your heart is in the right place and don't over commit, I think you'd be surprised how forgiving your son will be.