Supressing the depression caused by my own impressions

[kidbob]

I got alot of shit on my mind, and no body to really talk to about it....
I dont know where to even start.
I've come so far, both on and off the beaten path.
I miss traveling.
My moms dying.
My son is getting older.
Ive lost 3 uncles in the last year.
Been fired 7 times by the same employer in 3 years.
I havent filed taxes in 7 years.
Been through 2 cars, trying really fucking hard to not have #3.
My RV is going to shit.
I got a cousin who is missing.
My road dawg is currently out there on the road glamorizing the lifestyle and is "the coolest kid in town" (in our home town) but nobody remembers when I strolled into town or out of it.
I'm a little envious and jealous of others.
I feel entitled and deprived at the same time over a number of topics.
I've done enough acid in the last 2 years to fry my brain.
I've done enough drugs in general to cause my self some kinda mental complex.
I broke up with my girlfriend for basicly being too nice to me.
I long for an ex who could give a fuck less about me.
I've given away close to 3k to family members in need who rent houses and have children, yet I'm basicly homeless, work 60+ hrs a week, and dont pay child support (long story, adds more shit to the pile)

I've been ridiculed by my family for not paying my sick mothers Bills because I have "disposable" income.

I feel horrible every time somebody ask me for money because of my missing cousin.(who messaged me prior to missing about barrowing money, but I declined because I wasnt gonna support his drug habit, only to find out he was in real danger and is now missing).

I miss the damn road so bad.
But I learned a lesson when I was 30 about havers and needers and taking advantage of peoples altruistic generosity.

I got so much shit on my plate....and face..

Recently picked up drinking...
Bloody Mary's and spicy pickles...
I have never been one to drink....

My shoulder blade has been killing me do to repetative stress at work.

I often contemplate calling the suicide hotline , but dont ... because how in the hell is some rando on a phone gonna help me, when they never have eaten out of a trash can, or failed to graduate junior high. How is some rando who's never been spun or puddled gonna relate to a sob story about loosing all their friends at a show... or finding them at the next one.

I work for a hospital now...
I do trash duty....
Empty Fentanyl syringes happen to randomly fall out of the bags alot...
Almost too much, but who do I talk to about it?
I'm pretty certain the Mexican housekeepers are smuggling the shit out.
It depresses me every time I pick them up tho... I just have so much sadness in me...
My mom has COPD, emphazyma, and bronchitis.
She smokes ciggerettes still. Nebulizer in one hand, Winston in the other.
She just had her gallbladder removed.
She has a 3,000$ tiny shed she refuses to live in, just to store 3 boxes of vintage barbie memorabilia and dolls.
Estimated value of the dolls is about 1,000 bucks total.

My kid needs a 2000 surgery supposibly.
His mother moved him back to Tenn because the Medicare covers it down there....yet he still hasnt even been to a doctor 6 months later.
She divorced her husband because she realized she was lesbian....
Is now currently dating a dude whom I dispize, and his mother is extreamly racist, yet I cant say shit because I am not "providing" anything to change the situation.
I pay my kids phone bill.
I pay my moms phone bill.
And once again, im pretty much homeless and shit.

I find it hard to make friends, even when traveling.
Nothing is forever.
People are as disposable as ketchup packets, and often have less of a shelf life.

I often think about death (in general)
But dont really consider suicide an option. I will be damned if I blow my head off, and let them suns of bitches have the last laugh.
I feel like the only real good I'll do anybody is get hit by a train and die twitching in true accidental fashion.

I'm aware of the pity party I'm throwing...

It's just really really rough being responsible and choosing to care versus not.

I got cousins who are out on the road right now enjoying their journey.
Eating up my advice left and right.
Consuming hand out after handout.
Denying any wrong doing , because after all.. im not there and have no clue what happens between two strangers in front of walmart.

I've been called an opinionated self absorbed egotistical asshat more times then I have been thanked for helping those In need.

I've been encouraged to write a book about my life and travels, but i refuse.
I dont see how it will be different from any other travelers guide to being a degenerate. Plus I dont wanna blow up any "spot", either metaphorically or litterally. I.E : the secret to life is not giving a fuck.. then u have a bunch of people who just dont give a fuck...about anything, and I mean anything!

I've done alot of growing...still got a lot left...
I know these feelings are not permanent, and some day I may look back and be like "I really threw on the steam there boys!"
Or maybe I'll look back and say something like "I really shoulda tried harder" ...

I dunno...

Today has just begun tho, and the demons that I drowned out with booze woke me up earlier then expected.
Isnt that funny... most people wake up thanking god for their existence... I wake up and start the day all assholes and elbows just trying to keep the hounds of hell at bay.

Any way.. I just had to vent...

Sorry guys.

 

[AAAutin]

Do not apologize. Your pain is real and raw and worth our time. Not just our time, mind you, but also worth the time of the people in your life—people who would appreciate you reaching out, I guarantee.

And please never describe these people as "disposable." It's that kind of cynical mindset which hardens your heart to your own pain and the pain of others. People matter. People are important. People shouldn't be so easy to switch out. (I type this in tears, as an insensitive motherfucker whom I loved with my whole heart keeps finding ways to trample all over my feelings.)

But I'm okay. And you're okay. Keep being. Keep feeling. Keep reaching out. (PM me whenever.)

 

[roughdraft]

that is amazing..

my mom has all similar problems with materialism and too much smoking

as well i had a new friend recently who a couple times made these comments about "you have so many stories...you should seriously write a book!!"

i am totally not into the idea of sharing my life in that context for a panorama of reasons. my excuse to my friends who say this kind of thing is that I am lacking in confidence which is pretty much the key. i am simply unwilling so far.

and yeah man, share. also, remember that things will change

 

[Odin]

I wish you good in this life...

Yea drinking right? I do it... ehhhh...

I have not been as ARTICULATE about myself the last few years but I think... I can connect to some of what you are going through.

Your are not alone in this world... stray strong the world is chaotic but there can be good days as well.

Peace.

 

[PrisMiQue]

Be grateful!
I find when I’m feeling my shittiest it’s because I’m focusing on all the negatives and magnifying them.
There may always be apart of me thinking why am I not better or why is this and fml cuz of that. Ya know?... but when I counter those thoughts with thinking of how in general my life is great and I’m being a petty bitch and making it Into something it doesn’t have to be.
Start with today, or tonight or whatever fuck time you want and say and believe you are grateful and you choose to be happy.

I know it sounds kind of clichè but I’m just saying what works for me. I tell myself that “hey you know what I’m living the Mf dream”, even though I know there’s things I want to change. Being grateful allows me to focus on the good and work towards being better.

Hope the best dude

 

[kidbob]

I just want everybody to know, I appreciate the positive feed back.

My moms not on deaths bed YET, but she isnt really doing much to prevent the coming of it.

I am a very synical being.

I've been robbed alot in life, litterally and also metaphorically.
I am grateful. So very much.
I could go into detail about my brief 9 day religous melt down of my faith.
But I will save that for another post some day.

And I gave up being a pirate... just going where the wind blows me...
(Following the pirate tirade)
I switched to privateer.
The hours are just as long, the pay is just as meek...but you get a motorized boat after a while.
I do miss adventure... but city squating and all that dirty kid jazz is for the young guns..
I'm getting older. I seek more comfort then I used to.
My days of hauling gear "just in case" are over. If I ever hit the road again...it will either be in full pirate fashion both fearless and gearless. Or in a box with wheels that's atleast 27 ft.

I really do appreciate the positive outlooks you all have provided.
It is not something I am a stranger to.
I have always been a deep thinker tho, and the other day I had to just let it out.
I hate when people dump on me because I am a natural problem solver. It's in my core to wanna help others in need. Often I find my self being told I'm not a very good listener, or that I am failing to convey my point. I often am told that i will listen to a persons story and try to hijack it just to center the conversation around me and what I'm going through.
So that is the reason I apologized for the dump.
Because we all got shit to deal with. Some alot worse then others or my own.
It's that bed I made. Atleast I realize I dont like the covers?

Like I said before tho. I feel entitled alot.
I've sat around alot of campfires and heard alot of medicine being spoken.
And I took alot out of those experiences, good and bad.
I've riddled my brain with tangents of word play and how to manipulate ones own self.
And came to some true truths that for some reason doesnt apply to everybody or even somebody. They just apply to me.
Theres always the exception to the rule... but I have mostly always been the rule.
I love being the exception. I feel like when your on the road, theres always that exception that you manage to some how step into/off of/out of.
Privateerism is mostly all about following the rules, and watching out for the exception.

Any way....

I'm really glad this site exist, I'm thankful for each one of you who took time out of your day to respond.

Some day some where, some beach I havent been to yet,
I'll play spin the bottle with destiny again and maybe I will be able to apply all of my knowledge and skills Into a tiny moment that will last a life time.
Till next time my fellow captains....
Stay jolly

 

[RoadFlower33]

I recommend the Toltec wisdom Trilogy set by Don Miguel Ruiz. They changed my life.