Romance for the perpetually single

[Sm4L27NMD]

i think we are forgetting one thing here...what we view as the "standard" for a relationship or love or whatever is based upon a culture we essentially choose not to participate in. We belong to a different breed. we dont fit the standard mold of anything so why are we trying to find that standard mold of love. why not just be content. is not that a choice? loneliness is a choice. all emotion is a choice. the chemical reactions are trained to be perceived how we are conditioned to perceive them. retrain your brain to react differently to those chemical reactions and then a whole new world appears. you can still love but instead of there being only one option for how you are to react or respond, you now have whatever response or reaction you desire. you will find that continuing to do this with more chemical reactions allows you to effectively eliminate certain amounts of guilt and other harmful and toxic emotions. to clarify this last sentence, i mean that guilt you feel because you dont love someone back, or because you dont want to stay but you do love them, the nomadic guilt. you are who you are. accept that life is shor and you ahve to live in the momont to fully capture the beauty of the world around you. ::soapbox::. stepping off my box now

 

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

i think we are forgetting one thing here...what we view as the "standard" for a relationship or love or whatever is based upon a culture we essentially choose not to participate in. We belong to a different breed. we dont fit the standard mold of anything so why are we trying to find that standard mold of love. why not just be content. is not that a choice? loneliness is a choice. all emotion is a choice. the chemical reactions are trained to be perceived how we are conditioned to perceive them. retrain your brain to react differently to those chemical reactions and then a whole new world appears. you can still love but instead of there being only one option for how you are to react or respond, you now have whatever response or reaction you desire. you will find that continuing to do this with more chemical reactions allows you to effectively eliminate certain amounts of guilt and other harmful and toxic emotions. to clarify this last sentence, i mean that guilt you feel because you dont love someone back, or because you dont want to stay but you do love them, the nomadic guilt. you are who you are. accept that life is shor and you ahve to live in the momont to fully capture the beauty of the world around you. ::soapbox::. stepping off my box now

You make some interesting points.

Since I posted this, I came to appreciate the kinds of friendships and bonds that I do have quite a lot more.

Traditional society has a very black and white view of relationships, I think, especially physically intimate ones.

The acceptable categories are as follows: Committed relationship, dating, fuck buddy, friend, and acquaintance. Mainstream thinking doesn't leave room for much else, other than the occasional "side bitch" and whatnot. But, from my experience, every single bond that you share with an individual is completely unique unto itself, and the nature of each relationship you have with those people is also unique.

Perhaps I was buying into mainstream narratives too much, and appreciating my own reality too little.

 

[creature]

This is true. But fear can destroy them all, so without courage & strength & trust & faithfulness, those intimacies are really no more than token conveniences.

You can't have true intimacy without friendship, and you can't have friendship without work.

I see a lot of folks talking about ease of relationships or hookups or just gratifying themselves, much the same as many justify just getting up & leaving, regardless of the effects it may have on those whom have trusted them to be fair, rather than selfish or afraid.

In the end it is better for people like that to leave, not for themselves, but because they remove their irreliabilty from others..
Much like having a road dog you can't ever be sure that you can depend on, even if they don't outrightly steal.

Intimacies of meaning require work, otherwise it's just doing things for a good feeling, rather than understanding another..

Kinda like cars, perhaps..
It's fun to just jump in & drive, but to get real power & real dependability & to be able to wherever the fuck you want, that the vehicle *can physically take you*, rather than being constrained by what you are afraid of, rather than what you are able to risk.. To learn that.. how to drive, how to keep minor, minor things from being completely fucking destructive,

Takes work.

So.. It's kind of nice to romantically speculate, but if people want *easy* relationships, they're just interested in looking at the pretty pictures, rather than tasting what the dirt is like..

 

[Deleted member 14481]

Yeah, exactly.

So, if we agree that it can be experienced with or without another person, how is it for the perpetually single?

 

[Sm4L27NMD]

You make some interesting points.

Since I posted this, I came to appreciate the kinds of friendships and bonds that I do have quite a lot more.

Traditional society has a very black and white view of relationships, I think, especially physically intimate ones.

The acceptable categories are as follows: Committed relationship, dating, fuck buddy, friend, and acquaintance. Mainstream thinking doesn't leave room for much else, other than the occasional "side bitch" and whatnot. But, from my experience, every single bond that you share with an individual is completely unique unto itself, and the nature of each relationship you have with those people is also unique.

Perhaps I was buying into mainstream narratives too much, and appreciating my own reality too little.

its ok. i think we all disconnect at different rates from "normal society" and with relationships i can only imagine the difficulty at which they come. but at the same time. focusing inward first and becoming content and satisfied with yourself is more important than anything else. then when you do finally connect with someone again it is on your terms and you know exactly want you want and need. my opinion anyways. i love sex lot haha but i am over fake relationships and just want to connect with someone without sex being a factor. sex is sex. and i want someone i can shaer my life with as well as my bed. but my life first.

 

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

its ok. i think we all disconnect at different rates from "normal society" and with relationships i can only imagine the difficulty at which they come. but at the same time. focusing inward first and becoming content and satisfied with yourself is more important than anything else. then when you do finally connect with someone again it is on your terms and you know exactly want you want and need. my opinion anyways. i love sex lot haha but i am over fake relationships and just want to connect with someone without sex being a factor. sex is sex. and i want someone i can shaer my life with as well as my bed. but my life first.

Some wise considerations .

One must learn to be alone in life. No matter what, you'll always have to wake up to yourself, every day for the rest of your life.

I hope you find the right person to share your life with, mate. Best of luck out there!

 

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

So, if we agree that it can be experienced with or without another person, how is it for the perpetually single?

I feel like we're saying the same thing and miscommunicating, somehow.
The whole point of this original post was that romance is an element of the human experience that can be enjoyed by coupled people as well as single ones. You're not saying anything that contradicts that idea, so far as I can tell, unless I am missing your point.

 

[creature]

i can't help but think that 'romance', as seperate from 'love' really isn't just as shallow, selfish and illusory thing.

-kind of like art, where you can have a truly devoted artist who loves their work deeply, and despite whatever difficulties continues it,

or (with shades between)

someone who likes to *think* they are an artist, but really doesn't bleed for it.

'romance' is just an experience.
and at its core it is probably the same thing as mutual infactuation, if 'romance' is just something thought of that feels good.

romance is just a phase that passes, if it isn't sustained by love, and if all a person wants is 'romance', it's a bit like a child wanting nothing but candy.

being adults, though, we need to be carefull of spoiling ourselves, because, just like the work it takes to truly go off road, or to make the jump from a safe trail to a dangerous edge of rocks, or whatever it is that is different from whatever *easy* thing that we desire, if we deon't do the work or take the risk, all we get is the candy..

anyways.. good luck with romance, because it 'romance' is this seperate entity or element that you're trying to excise from the whole, well.. i wouldn't be able to speak to it, since it seems an objective, rather than a force.

I would hope that romance, and the true friendship which is learned when we find we can trust another with our life, is like the trees & the ocean & the fucking sky & the desert & the mountains..

something as basic as the truth for which we travel, rather than simple candy for the desires we mistake as our soul...

 

[Inhibition]

I think how people feel about it likely depends on how much they feel their choice is involved in being single. People are very sensitive to being socially excluded, where brain scans even show activity when a person consciously knows a computer is excluding them from trivial games.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4457507/

Real life romantic exclusion is less trivial than computer games. If people feel or are excluded from romance with others, there likely isn't a way to rewire the circuitry that processes social exclusion. I think a coping mechanism is likely the best people can realistically expect.

If on the other hand, we know we are the ones turning down romantic interests and know being single is not a result of being an unwanted, unattractive outcast, I'd imagine that is a much different process for our brains to deal with than being romantically rejected by all we know.

The unwanted will have to find ways to cope with their plight, where as the wanted can likely find other sources of stimulation with less issues. There's a difference between choosing to be a loner/hermit and being actively excluded in social contexts. I think it's too much to ask of our brains to take being excluded as a pleasant experience.

 

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Damn, this thread really took off. I am enjoying all of the thoughtful perspectives and discussions coming to light.

 

[Sm4L27NMD]

I think how people feel about it likely depends on how much they feel their choice is involved in being single. People are very sensitive to being socially excluded, where brain scans even show activity when a person consciously knows a computer is excluding them from trivial games.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4457507/

Real life romantic exclusion is less trivial than computer games. If people feel or are excluded from romance with others, there likely isn't a way to rewire the circuitry that processes social exclusion. I think a coping mechanism is likely the best people can realistically expect.

If on the other hand, we know we are the ones turning down romantic interests and know being single is not a result of being an unwanted, unattractive outcast, I'd imagine that is a much different process for our brains to deal with than being romantically rejected by all we know.

The unwanted will have to find ways to cope with their plight, where as the wanted can likely find other sources of stimulation with less issues. There's a difference between choosing to be a loner/hermit and being actively excluded in social contexts. I think it's too much to ask of our brains to take being excluded as a pleasant experience.

yeah man i definitely don't mean to discredit the human experience and the emotions involved with that. I think everyone has been rejected at some point in their life. I think the bigger question is are you being rejected under appropriate circumstances? or are you being rejected because you wanted this person to want you but they hardly knew you and there for were not interested inn you like that. We have all done this at some point i'm sure. So the question remains, as travelers does Love still apply to us? is there a way we can still have love while we lie our lives the way we want to?

the answer is yes. hands down. but it is going to be with someone you understand and understands you. as well as someone who is willing to stick it out for the long haul. through the good times and the bad times.

and just to disagree with you for just a moment...the human brain is fully capable of dealing with immense grief and disappointment. to suggest for a moment that rejection is simply too much for us to take is ridiculous. we don't always cope in the healthiest ways but we always overcome. just my 2 cents.

 

[Inhibition]

Being perpetually single is a much broader issue than traveling too often. Being able to travel actually implies a physical fitness, which is generally considered desirable.

A lot of people just can't travel. There was a movie made recently (The Sessions) where a lot of the hardship was glossed over in a sappy way, but was actually inspired by a real person who had Polio from childhood:

http://thesunmagazine.org/issues/174/on_seeing_a_sex_surrogate?page=1

If you read his accounts, you'll see all sorts of physiological, psychological, and sociological barriers that were involved in his perpetual singleness. A surrogate/prostitute accepted him as a client so he tried that once, but aside from that he died with that his only experience.

I personally have neurological problems that rendered me mute and caused a whole lot of pain for half a decade. It's partially treated but still limits my life and being a man who is expected to typify the gender role of approaching women and 'talking them up' is not my bag.

Others might have schizophrenia or various psychological issues. Some are physiologically deformed from averages and not considered attractive. It's a very complicated issue. People have to be desirable and in a position that is receptive to opportunities.

If someone is able bodied, able minded, and physiologically typifying attractiveness, it's much easier to be wanted, and also to be in situations where romance can develop. But there have been historical examples and likely will continue to be examples of people who's lives have sadly embodied the joke format, "X people need love too, they just have to pay."

That's not doom and gloom. There are people from all walks of life find acceptance, appreciation, and being desired. But it's also not a glossing over the experiences of those who don't. There are select groups that find proportionally a lot less acceptance and desirability. And its not just one rejection, it can constitute a lifetime of exclusion. I think that will always be unpleasant. I don't think there is likely a way to convince the brain that it likes being excluded from the activities and the sense of belonging others are enjoying sharing.

So people cope. Some find acceptance, others never do.

 

[Sm4L27NMD]

but those examples of activities and the idea of belonging is a societal construct. we have convinced our brains to operate a certain way. and expect those sorts of desires. it requires work on the part of the "victim" in this scenario to overcome these issues of exclusion. but are we referring to people in general or are we drawing conclusions based upon general statements. everything we have talked about thus far applies to people generally. we could never have this conversation specifically. it would be hundreds maybe thousands of conversations.

if we are asking the question, "How does a person, who is handicapped in some way, overcome the exclusion they feel from society?"

I wouldn't even begin to know how to answer that question generally...we would have to attack that question individually. the only person perpetually single is the one who chooses it. we are a species evolved to procreate. and we are very good at it. but society has introduced a dangerous factor into the evolution of our species...emotions. so to answer you...I dont know what to tell you. except that each case is individual and separate from the general question.

as someone who doesn't have a physical debilitation i do have psychological ones. which can be very difficult to overcome. but i do what i can and try as hard as i can to overcome what i can. but considering this site is about and for travelers i would realistically assume that a thread posted on the site would be in reference to travelers. considering the majority of people reading this are travelers. however I would love to discuss this further. i can see there is much I could learn from you on many topics outside of just this. let me know and lets continue this dialogue. @Inhibition

 

[Rob Nothing]

I like what cuckoos nest and creature have said. Nothing to add

 

[DuHastMich]

Your brain may release chemicals that trick you into thinking that you have to find a mate to be happy. I think that your brain is operating on very primitive principles, and that it may be missing something in the bigger picture.

I pulled this excerpt because I feel it's probably the best summary regarding romance I've ever read in my 43 half-ass decent years in existence.

As overly commercialized as marriage appears to be, singularity is no longer a state of solitude. Of course, before anyone can really argue or discuss this fully, we should establish a working definition of "romance".

Is it physicality?
Is it the notion we need to refill "something"?
Is it warming up to a body because we long to be touched?

Me, personally, I find intelligence romantic - sharing knowledge that can progress some unfinished ideology or start something awesome gets me going...but doesn't give me the proverbial stiffy.

Some base romance off needs or mental pictures. Some base romance off a hard cock (just being real). Both can be "taken care of" during a state of singularity.

 

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

The great irony of this post is that I wound up getting into a relationship not long after I put it up, haha.

It's going very well and building the first *healthy* relationship of my life means a lot to me.

Still, I think that the time I spent being single was important. Learning to be independent is just as significant a lesson as learning to share your life with someone, and both are fraught with difficulties of different kinds.

This has been a great discussion with everyone. Wishing everyone the best

 

[Mikedubz]

I am a walking believer that intamacy finds *us* when we are not searching for it. I know that I want a partner in life, a sexual and intimate , commitment, but the universe hasn't shot me with that bullet yet. Maybe I just know how to get out of the way! That aside I look at life with an abundance of opportunity to fullfil the abyss of independence. I want to fall in love and be happy but I just don't see it getting past * fuck* buddies unless the potential partner can accept a life of travel and adventure. Most people are not comfortable being transient and won't want to be with someone who is.

 

[misanthropicrustacian]

This is a really positive approach to dealing with this which, As I read , reminds me I'm (we're) not so alone as we may choose to believe. I've always been puzzled by how much I've traveled America and out of all the many people I've met at how I still never found who I'm looking for , or that she's never ran into me.. lately for the longest time in a while I've been on a travel hiatus doing the wage slave game , trying to exist and save up for something Trying to trick myself into believing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if everyday is hopelessly dark, Reading this , I did enjoy, so thanks for your

 

[Lara K]

A great sage out here would say 'you are love itself'. When i focus on his evolved words, the idea is lovely but limiting. Learned what he meant by that last year and it came as liberating experience.

A friend lost her father, so i had to be around just make sure she recuperates by not thinking very hard about her loss. Unlike west, we don't dig graves. The kin immerse ashes in flowing river, those up north (Himalayas) but many families, rich and poor, short and long lived, celibates and unethical men... pour out the last remains before lucid waters. An idea occurred right there, if rich guy and poor guy, monk and a womanizer were actually alive right there, they would argue on a lot of things but in death, where ego dissolves, all spirits become one (same happens if you gather community experience, sing national anthem under flag, feast food and pray) Water component binds their ashes and make them flow in one direction. Perhaps we have many soulmates, a whole tribe of them that travel with us throughout our time on earth, those we have met and those we haven’t met yet. I don't think that advance yet but romantic novels planted the idea of 'a soul mate' but everyone we meet, see- strangers on the street, people over news, those we love, hate at some point of time- merge with our essence.

A practical approach could be owning pets. Heck, in India people crave for alone time. That's what separates you from economic slaves out there wanting to get rich, get taxed and embrace a cactus of abnormal ambitions or even work related burnout! Bruhh.. Loneliness is what 'made' the Buddah, Gandhi, Hitler, writer, traveler, sages and even freaks.

 

[rooster831]

Romance for the perpetually singleis called getting laid