Ramblings of a confused housed up person or something (1 Viewer)

CelticWanderer

Vagabond
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Messages
271
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Age
28
Location
Augusta GA, USA
Something pulls me out there. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to do something "Across America." It was drive, walk, push a longboard.. now its back to walking.

My first hitch hiking adventure from Ga, to the Ocala national forests, all the way to the big flats of Okie was an alternative to suicide. Had it all planed out.
Pack full of rocks strapped to my chest, a quick plunge into the savannah river, then a hidden body in those black waters and that final escape.
Someone told me about a rainbow gathering though, and that was that. Fell in love with travel.

Second time, from Ga to Colorado.
I lost everything, the place i was staying, the girl i was seeing, my job, the acceptance of my parents. All within a week.
My sister offered me a place to stay out there, just a plane ticket away.
But no, i decided, I had to travel again.

So that time, it was a farm hoppin' journey. Quick and long stints on various homesteads and organic farmlands, all the way out there. I never felt more alive or closer to "god".
What ever "god" is it feels good.

Now I'm back in Georgia again, after busting up my knee, crashing back in my hometown in GA and trying this normal life.

Now I'm torn. Like I've never been before.

I worked for a big ole' golf club for a couple years and eventually just quit. It was a good job, save for the back breaking labor and my body constantly shitting out from the repetitive strain. Decent pay and good benefits.
Now im floating on my savings trying to figure my next steps.

Mental illness is a big theme here. The want to die has never really left me. I'm in therapy, I'm taking the meds, Got diagnosed with complex PTSD, depression, and ADHD. Doing the exercises, and ya know, maybe ive gotten better? But maybe also everything feels so much more real because im starting to become aware of it. Went though a re-traumatization event I thought might kill me but i pulled through it.

the anxiety and fear of nothing I can touch or grab at or understand is ever present these days and lord it makes doing anything near impossible. I'm scattered.

I'm torn because now it's Go to school. Just go ahead and nuke my life that way, Huge debt, but maybe i could get my dream job of ecologist or land conversationalist or park interpreter. And god I love learning.

Or, spend the next year or so building up for that big walk. Across the whole USA. Done some long walks. Not even sure if my body will hold up.
Something is calling me to it. Like I have to do it. I wish I could explain it.

I only have the funds for this right now. If I choose school, I may not have the funds to this again for a very long time.

While I feel I have to do this, there are many many parts of me that wants no part of it. I feel like Bilbo at the start of the hobbit.

The fear of never completing this Journey is as great as the fear of what I may lose if I start it.

I'm not even sure where the want comes from. Is it this more depressive side of me that wants to run? Is it the side of me that felt "god" the last two times I traveled and felt complete?

It's such a complex issue im not sure I could explain the whole thing of it.

but if ya read all that I thank ya. I just needed to get it out. To some folks who might understand.
 
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