Question mental health while on the road/without assistance through therapy

[autohof3000]

hey!
i have been in therapy on and off for the past years and it was pretty tough for me to stick to it/not to sabotage the treatment and i repeatedly dropped out of therapies and institutions). i do have a pretty good psychiatrist: i feel heard, he is well informed on my issues, he takes time for our sessions, he respects my pronouns and it is pretty easy to get appointments even if i call for the next week. i'm also on medication that alleviates my symptoms of depression and sleeping disorder and an emergency one. my biggest progress for the last years was to act less on my suicidal impulses, to experience trust in friendships, to manage to stop my abuse of alcohol. it was also a big step for me to get out of the psych ward and to be able to stay alive without suicide attempts since then.
since in my experience relationships tend to be conflict-filled, stress inducing and instable; part of the reasons why i decided to start travelling was also to be more on my own and avoid the tension, the distress, the mistrust and the feeling of being too much and hated, that comes with being around people while struggling with your self-image, with intense mood changes and difficulties to recognize the feelings of others (or overthinking them). i would say that this is currently causing me the most suffering. i realize again and again that i do thrive on living together with people. i do also enjoy travelling alone, but i would just love to be able handle my emotions and to live fulfilling relationships without ending up in mental breakdowns again and again.
i have experience mostly with cbt and still try to apply some of my dbt skills (that i carry with me ) to intervene panic attacs, dissociation, self harming impulses etc... first, its absolutely not the miracle cure for distress as which most therapists tend to sell it (i don't have the impression that it usually helps me to manage my crisis/my emotional drama quicker/easier) and it doesn't help me to handle conflicts and distress in a more socially responsible way. now my question: what helps/helped you to create less interpersonal trouble? do you know any (self-help) ressources (not the dbt-tropes - i'm a bit fed up with that ) to manage relationship-issues?
i'd be grateful for advice and to hear your experience
thank you for reading and sorry for my english!!

 

[ali]

I went through some shit with mental health in the past, therapy, meds, hospitalization etc. I actually came to the same conclusion you did, that the primary trigger for my instability was having to be around other people. When i rearranged my life so that i lived alone, traveled alone, did everything i enjoy alone, i realized it alleviated pretty much all of my problems. Don't go to therapy any more, don't take meds any more, haven't made any suicide attempts or acted out in self-destructive ways for over a decade... It doesn't mean my mood swings are no longer there, but because they don't crash directly into other people all the time, i no longer feel guilty or self-conscious about them, i just let them wash over me and move on, exactly like they always taught in CBT/mindfulness/etc. It's a lot easier being a buddha when you're solitary and skint.

Which isn't to say that i have no human contact whatsoever. I found that a good way for me to interact with other people is to work. The workplace is a much better place for me to deal with people than my personal life because all the relationships are transactional. It's clear what the expectations are, and you don't owe anybody anything beyond what's in your contract. So i go to work every day, and i hang out and chat and shoot the shit with my colleagues and it's fine because at the end of the day i can go home and let it go. I can even quit and find somewhere else, there's no drama. Living in a city is great too because there are people around you all the time. You can strike up conversations anywhere and it's fine. Say something embarrassing? Oh well, you never need to see that person again. It significantly reduces the stress of having to maintain a relationship when you know you can leave it any time and nobody will really get hurt because everybody understood the rules going in. Nobody expects anything from a stranger beyond basic courtesy and respect, so anything you give beyond that is meaningful.

Although i don't have as much contact with people as i used to when i had a partner and regular friends group, i think the quality of the interactions i have now is higher. It's a bit shallow, perhaps, but at least it's authentic and positive.

Not to say this approach will work for you, of course. Everybody is different and needs to find their own path. Just hang in. It sounds like you've been doing pretty well as it is.

 

[autohof3000]

hey ali, thank you so much for sharing!! i agree - shallow interactions are way easier for me; i think thats a huge part of why i take so much from hitchhiking and socialising for this short period of time with my drivers!