love can suck

[Ozean]

Hey you guys, it's about midnight.
I have a headache and a hot face from drinking those two 40's earlier.
I didnt want to drink them.
I only did it because he wanted to have a drink and I felt obligated to have one with him.
But then the same thing happens as always.
I'm ditched here and he's out with whoever
Then he'll come back later, verbally abuse and belittle me, maybe even choke me and stick his fingers down my throat again(happened once), or put a few new holes in the wall and break some more chairs.
But I love him so much.
He is the absolute best, treats me better than anyone before (besides when drunk), is hilarious, handsome, smart, amazing artist and so on.
But damn its been shitty lately.
We were originally on the streets and then moved into his moms house awhile ago.
Tried to get a job but his check was so low from owing child support, he just quit after that.
He says im the only good thing in his life.
He has no hope for anything, is always gloomy and never optimistic.

A few days ago he came back, cackling, drunk and telling me how he beat up my old road dog Star.
and how he might go to jail or prison for wanting to kill several other guys who I was hanging out with (platonicly) before we even got together.
He is insanely jealous.
To the point where he is pissed about me talking to guys over 7 months ago.. who I haven't talked to since!!
I can honestly say I've never cheated on this man, or even glimpsed at someone else, because I feel no need to and I truly love him.
But he is so fixated on the past.. its like nothing i've been doing and do now doesnt mean anything.
I shake and tremble when I think I hear him coming home.
Frightened that he might be drunk(er) and not happy..
I don't know what he's gonna say or do.
and the next day is oh omg i put a hole in the wall?? omg i made you cry?? I hurt you?? dude I don't remember blah blah blah

Now all I ever do is feel like a shitty person.. then I tell myself that it's not my fault its just him. Or maybe it is all my fault . like why do I deserve it?
Why is it that every guy I get with is crazy?
Their alcoholics or addicted to drugs.
Every one of them has told me that they have another side to them. Filled with hate.
like a fucking demon or something.. ya know. I see how hateful and angry someone can get
They say I deserve better.
or i'm too nice/sweet.
I shouldn't be with them because of it.

It's really weird how this is a reoccurring nightmare in my life when it comes to my relationships.
Am I cursed?
fuckin really..


anyways,
any advice?
I miss the open road but i'd miss him.
I want to help but nothing I do does
its miserable
I want balance

 

[landpirate]

Every guy you get with is crazy or treats you like shit because you think it's all you deserve. You don't!

This guy sounds like an abusive piece of shit, sorry for putting it bluntly. I've been in your position, it seems vaguely exciting or even passionate that all this drama goes on, but it's not, it's exhausting and scary.

They are always hilarious, handsome and smart, that's how they get us in the beginning. You are not going to change them, things will not get better until they stop drinking. That might take years and is going to be down to them, not you.

Please take my advice and get the hell out of there. Its the hardest thing to do, it really is, but in a year or ten years time you'll look back and be so relieved you did. Don't let any of their crying or sorry's suck you back in. This is all standard sociopathic behaviour and once you identify that it's almost like your future is written already and it will be a bleak series of groundhog day style arguments, emotional abuse, violence, manipulation followed by pathetic apologies from them unless you go and don't look back.

The best thing you can then do is not be in a relationship until you have made yourself realise that you are one bad ass bitch and nobody is going to mess with you. Then guess what, you start to meet nice people who recognise that you are strong and happy and treat you that way.

Took me 7 years to break the insane cycle of an abusive relationship, but I am now 6 months clean of that motherfucker and it feels so good.

Sorry for being slightly ranty, i just feel so strongly that I don't want anyone else drowning in a situation like this.

Be strong!

 

[Hobo Mud]

Love is not being mistreated or abused. No offense but he sounds very sadistic. No one has the right to place there hands on any one period. There are hundreds of good people out there that will show you love, compassion, respect and understanding but you have to realize that you deserve these things. I wish you the best of luck and hope you leave this sitution. Safe travels.

 

[creature]

there are two things you can love about a person;

what they are

& what you believe they could be...

in the first, if they are that great artist, kind person, smart, etc. great...

in the second, if they are only being a portion of their *potential*, but are still a shit, you are doomed.

you can never erase *your own* desire that they be better, or move towards being more, because you have *love* for those aspects of them which they do not fullfill..

those aspects may very well truly exist.. but
they are not what is chosen, & you cannot force it..

they may have the potential to be a great artist.. but.. do they choose to work on it & bring it out as fully as possible? if the answer is no, well.. *you* will never be able to make them do it..

are they sometimes kind or give affection, and could be such a wonderfull, positive, healing individual, if they would only get over their jealousy & negativity?
well.. *you* are not going to be able to make them decide to do the work required to gain the strength to continue in kindness when shit doesn't go the way they want..

could they be such a good father or such a good boyfriend, if they would only get their shit together & take care of what's expected from a good boyfriend or a good father?

it entirely, entirely, entirely sucks, but... *YOU* are *NOT* going to be able to make them that, no matter how much you give or love what you *hope or wish* your relationship *could* be..

you will never escape your love for their potential, because you will always love the things you hope for.
you must look at them & evaluate them in terms of what they have *chosen*..

men, in general, enjoy a sense of validation derived from observing the consequences of their actions..
good men work hard at creating something that gives them that satisfaction..

lazy men try to acquire it by doing as little work as possible, and so they resort to bragging & violence towards those weaker than them..

*you*, because of your love, accept the harm he is inflicting because this is the only way you can validate that *you* are, in fact, doing what you should do for whom you 'love'.
his harming you makes him feel good, because in his lazy, shithead, evil, harming way, it gives him a sense of accomplishment..

there's nothing constructive in a relationship like that, so of course (since love should be constructive) you have a sense of failure & conflict..

the fact is, you don't actually love him..
you love that you love him, & you love parts of what you *think* he might be..

i am going to be a little harsh, here, & tell you the same thing i've said to others about toxic relationships, although you, at least, are upfront from the get-go "He is the absolute best, treats me better than anyone before (besides when drunk), is hilarious, handsome, smart, amazing artist and so on."

so.. you're addicted to what you like in the relationship, & you're experiencing the consequences of of holding on to it, because it's what you want instead of what you should do.

i'll tell you another 2 things:
1) this guy has a child.. he's an abusive alcoholic who ***KNOWS*** he is a violent shit when he drinks, and drinks anyways (which makes him a *SOBER* shit, too, since he keeps at it).

2) like probably dozens of others, i have just told you the fucking truth, so fucking do something about it.
if you don't, don't complain about how fucked up it is..
we all have better things to do than deal with self-destructive behavior that seeks to insulate itself from its source by sucking up the comfort and compassion of others..

if you don't take care of yourself, all you do is harm others..
so get on your horse, look at him for the shit he is, & ride.

don't say anything, because he will most likely be violent, sober or not.
do not... DO NOT try & work it out.

he has failed already beyond redemption in life of deserving your love.
period.

i hate fucking rants like this.
i hate seeing good women tied up to shits..

it pisses me fucking off..

what happens if you get pregnant with this asshole??
what will *that* child have, if you decide to raise it?

christ..

fuck what you *like* about the relationship..
i mean.. heroin, meth, crack, alcohol.. they all have stuff people love & enjoy, too, right?

but what ultimately happens?

not only do they fuck the user up, they fuck up the people that love them (look at the way *he* is fucking *you* up, because he won't stop doing what he 'likes'..)

anyways..

i just get pissed, because good people in fair relationships can change the fucking world..

don't love who or what somebody *could* be..

love somebody who really *works* at it, & most importantly, works at loving *you*, as much as you work at loving *them*..

 

[Mankini]

yes. and also think of someone you love very much being treated the way that person treats you. if you would object to a loved one being exposed to him, then he is acting wrongly.

find a womens shelter asap.

 

[grief1989]

get the fuck outta there girl. he doesn't love you. you're just an aspect of his life that he can actually control

 

[deleted14783]

Get your shit together and move on. Seriously, it's probably not what you want to hear but while I was reading your post I thought it was a fking joke. Loving and caring about someone who treats you like a worthless human is pathetic. Get real, clear your head and leave him. If he really shows signs of extream stupidity go live somewhere else. I've got no clue if you're able to move out from your current location, but you should.

I apoligize if I'm going to make any wrong assumptions about you and your relationship but I think you're in love in what he COULD be. You probably dream about your BEST days with him, which happen rarely. I feel like you have so many bad nights spent with the guy that you just want to forget all that shit and think about the time when you had fun. You're in love with something completely imaginary. And please is this " hilarious, handsome, smart, amazing artist" really something that makes you truly love someone ? He is funny and handsome but beats the shit out of you sometimes ? What a fking lovely relationship ! You need to start putting more value into your own life. Take control while it's not too late. I've been through some nasty shit in my life, and if anything good came out of it it's the hope that there's always someone willing to listen and love. There's always someone who is just as perfect as you need him / her to be. This guy isn't what you're looking for.

 

[Coywolf]

I dont know what to post that would be any more useful than the above posts. All great advice. Get the fuck outta there.

 

[tintinhurray]

Maybe you stumbled across it already or maybe it's not what you're looking for, but there's some good reading on another StPer's thread about toxic relationships.

https://squattheplanet.com/threads/cleansing-your-life-of-toxic-relationships.26242/

 

[Deleted member 125]

um. get the fuck out of that relationship asap. i know its hard, but thats some seriously dangerous behavior for you to be around. also the above thread is a good read and is relevant to yer situation. best of luck.

 

[Kim Chee]

I hate the smell of weakness.

That dude stinks of it from here.

If you learn to dislike that smell, you'll be better off in life.

 

[Mankini]

Do

I hate the smell of weakness.

That dude stinks of it from here.

If you learn to dislike that smell, you'll be better off in life.

I agree. Curb check for that guy and other domestic abuse types.

 

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Look, dude, I have a lot of compassion for you.

I've been in several abusive relationships. I always left early on, but it was dehumanizing and traumatic all the same.

Let's come down to earth about this, for a minute. This guy is violent. He makes you scared. He is capable of choking you. Choking can kill you. This guy could kill you, and you know it. I know you love him, and I know that this isn't the easy way out, but you really, really, really need to fucking leave!

No relationship is worth risking your life.

Leaving will rip your soul out of your ears. You will miss him. You will cry a lot. It might hurt so badly you feel like you could die. That's okay. You don't have to feel awesome. You just have to be safe and start the long, difficult process of confronting the issues that lead you into these relationships.
Drill this into your skull: I matter. My safety matters. My well being matters. May I be safe, peaceful, and free.

The fact that you have been shattered and abused is not your fault. The fact that you choose to stay and allow this abuse to continue is your fault.

You are responsible for protecting yourself. You are never obligated to entrust your heart or your bodily safety to any other person. Learn to take care of yourself first.

Now, I really don't mean to preach at you, here. I know that this may be a bit jarring. It sounds like we have some of the same history and the same issues. The first time anyone told me these things, I felt very exposed, vulnerable, and almost hurt. However, it was exactly what I needed to hear.
I'm still working with all of these things, myself. I have good days and bad. But, very slowly, I'm making progress. My sense of self worth can be pretty erratic, but more and more often I'm experiencing times when I am finally okay with myself. It feels amazing to get up and simply enjoy the sun and the wind without being overwhelmed with thoughts about how ugly/stupid/whateverthefuck I am. You'll get there, too. But it will take time and effort.

I can't promise you that this healing process will be candy and roses (it won't). But I can promise you that things can be so much better for you. No matter how dark and hopeless they seem right now, there is still light out there. No matter how much you hate yourself, you are still worthy of love.

You'll probably need to stay the fuck away from relationships for quite some time after this. You'll learn to make friends with yourself. You'll learn that loneliness isn't such a bad thing. You'll make progress, then you'll fall back a bit.

Healing is messy. Never feel afraid if you need support or help, either. There are therapy and shelter programs for abused women. And, of course, there's always good old STP

Good luck, man. My heart really goes out to you. I know how deep the darkness can be, but there's a way out. You can decide the outcome. You can choose to love yourself.

You're brave for reaching out. I think you just may be brave enough to leave, too. PM me if you want to talk or anything, okay?

 

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Oh, and one more thought before I go; some of what you are feeling may not be love at all. It just might be traumatic bonding. He hurt you so much and so deeply that you might feel attached to him based on that hurt. It's a weird thing that happens in these sorts of relationships. You may even feel like he's the only person who can fix you, since he is the person who hurt you. He can't.

This is some truly ugly shit you are dealing with. Should you choose to leave it all behind you- and I highly recommend you do- this article may be of help. I feel that it puts some fairly succinct perspective on the process of healing/moving on after a relationship like this.

"There are things that can bond stronger than love, and that's trauma."


http://aplus.com/a/truth-aftermath-emotionally-abusive-relationships

 

[Art101]

I'm not really qualified to comment on this but.You are in a really fucked spot there.You need to get out.This will never change for the better no hard you try.There are sources of help waiting but you have to want to get out.As someone in recovery I empathize with you.

 

[creature]

Well said, O Cuckoo One..

Sometimes the harshness is necessary, because everything else needs to be stripped away..
there may, in fact *be* some extenuating stuff that justifies the confusion felt about pulling the cord on the ejection seat & flying through the canopy..

in a crash & burn situation, though, there isn't a lot of time to figure out, say, just .. oh.. how much of someone's rage is justified because you put brown sugar in their coffee instead of honey..

the thing about Love, is that you will *die* for whom it is for..
i mean, that's just a given..

sooo... when you love somebody?
self-diminishment is a very deep & dear way to express it..
you enjoy the enjoyment of whom you enjoy..
& the negotiations that come about from that are not from trying to get what you can from someone else, but winds up as a dynamic of two people trying to do as much for each other for each other's sake, instead.


one of the things that follows from love (& one of the greatest sacrifices it is able to make, for the sake of whom is loved) is that in trying to give that happiness we will place ourselves in a perspective of fault.
the only thing available, being caught in love, is to blame ourselves for something that is otherwise intrinsically wrong..

i mean, if you are in love, what else can you do, when things are going to shit, even when you are trying your best to make them work?

other than being physically harmed, accepting fault for what is not your doing, is the nearest you can actually come to dying for whom you love..
self-diminishment is the very core of the strength of all love which yields the extension of the self..

one might say there is a certain perspective it carries..
our relation to the cosmos, to the life on this planet, to our place as single individuals among billions, or even how small a difference we make even though we do our best to be share..

within the limits of existence is the very understanding that allows us to apprehend more than we are, & to bring that awareness with us as a tool to commune not only with those very things,
but with the very souls of others, also..

these things are always instruments of truth..
-being simple, sharing, taking action, kindness, etc..

& since they are instruments of truth, when they are used to justify lies such as:
"oh, he's just having a bad day" or
"oh, i didn't wear my hair right"
or "oh, i..... so it's *my* fault things are so shitty, or that i'm not enough, or that he's angry & abusive.."
all that happens is greater confusion & frustration arises, because you are using your love not for constructive purposes, as it would were it mutually returned.
what you are actually doing is using your love to defend someone who does not love you, and although you are not *intentionally* lying to yourself, you *are* hoping for something which is clearly impossible, and since it is love, that hope will try to prevail against *anything*, so that although you will not *perceive* it as a lie, it is, nonetheless, a complete fucking untruth..

love cannot afford dogma, & that is where the strength to escape comes in.
to stop believing what you believe, because what you believe helps you love.

it *feels* like hurt, but it really isn't, because it *feels* like betrayal, but it really isn't.

& ultimately?
it's good that it tears you up, because that means that at least on your end it was real..
that isn't a booby prize or anything, either.
just a fact.


& don't trust any watery-eyed, sniffing "baby i love you" apologies & repentance after the fact..
shit never should have gotten this far..

the thing to do afterwards, is *learn*..

if people don't want *you*, but just what you give?
fuck 'em.. walk on the first drop of the hat..
be carefull to be fair, but if they love you?

*they* are going to grovel..
don't *test* love, but don't give someone your very fucking Soul until they **earn** it..



i'm gonna go one step farther, & point at why i think women can often accept this kind of abuse..
it does follow from everything above..

in the early phases of a relationship, everyone is on their best behavior.
the dynamic of communication & enjoyment builds.
(banging on the males, here, though there are females precisely as terrible.. go ahead & change gender pronouns if you like, but since this is a sister the thread id for, the guys are the bastards who get the brick..)
now...from the abusive guy there will typically be a diminishment of what *he* does for his love & the relationship.. maybe he would cook breakfast, or give you that sexy eyebrow raised smile, or that laugh that is just *sooo* fucking beautiful....

& you respond.. you give & he is happy & you feel all is right with existence insofar as much as you have a right to hope for or expect..
but then?
he becomes kind of bitchy.. or says stuff that you get confused over, because there's no way he could have said it, except to hurt you, but.. you think.. "he wouldn't do *that*, would he?.. so it must be me"
-- and then you say "i'm sorry baby, what can i do to make it better?"

& it continues.. & what happens is, & this is where you finally find out that *he* is the lazy shit, & *not you*, is that *you* are doing the much greater majority of the work of Love, while he is doing only enough to keep you either *feeling* guilty, or that he can find a way to *imply* your guilt, when you mention any unfairness.

so.. there you are.

i am going to tell you something..
now i don't know about all guys, but i know about me.
- i don't need a *lot* of beauty, but i am a sucker for it.
a girl smiles at me?
i can't tell if she is taking a shit pie & smashing it into my face with both hands and a sledgehammer
or if she is actually being friendly & trusting..

like many men (i suspect) i often mistake beauty (desire?) as some sort of undefinable & unjustifiable equivalence for what the *consequences* of love should be, & in what is nothing more than an *instinctual* response, i extend that fallacious equivalency to the *feeling* of 'love', itself.
--this marks me as a fucking asshole--

now.. i *may* only be talking about *tastes*, but isn't that the same fucking thing?

the point is, however, that i take an interest in something **completely** separate from the nature of love (beauty) & equate it with something that is theoretically detached from all self-interest (Love).

& that shit gets people into trouble.

desire is fucking poison.

desire will kill you.

& so love does not even desire itself.
love needs more than desire.

love needs fairness.


now.. one last couple pieces of advice..
hopefully it will be a long time & you will reassess your previous action & responses before you search for the fulfillment that you are capable of giving the world, but........

-never undervalue or demean someone who is head over heels in love with you.
if it appears that way & there is nothing there, in terms of returned affection, put up the limits, clearly & fast.. do not think they are being 'cute' or 'not-serious'..
if they actually love you, good, trusting friendship will be more than enough.
see how long those limits are respected & understood, before they come down.

if there *is* enough to warrant sincere curiosity, proceed with caution..
i mean, i dunno about women, but i know guys who try to start moving heaven & earth from the get go..
this may be something difficult to understand, but it *is* a sign of the willingness to work towards what must be done to make sure the two of you can work together, as well as possible..

be passionate about someone whom is passionate about others, & not just the mutual passion you share..
let those elements of Love extend you entirely..

anyone may die before the rise of moon or sun, so let whatever memories there are be of what was shared from what shall last..
friendship & community are both based upon things beyond us..
& if we love those things, then our community and our friendships also endure..

*those* are the things that need you..
hell.. **we** need you..
so get free, ok?

peace,

john

 

[Odin]

Ozean... Ozean... see yourself. Look in the mirror and realize you are priceless and there can be no excuse to allow that wonderful person in the mirror to suffer at the hands of a COWARD.

Because that is what he is, not a man, just a pathetic coward that turns to abuse against you to "create" a sense of superiority and control in order to convince himself he is not a weak bastard.

I know about this, because my father was an abusive asshole towards my mother before they divorced in my younger years... and all those years took a toll on her... it made her not a very nice person as well for my developmental years following the divorce... (in her defense she is more mellow if just as religiously fanatic nowadays...) I will never forget the day in when my father chased her to my room with rage and fists pushing and hitting. I held the door against him with her behind me...
Something clicked, I let the door loose and clocked the old man straight in the jaw... it was a moment of realization.The look of a weak man... nothing but a bully and abuser, is confronted.
I remember his shocked face... and the paradox of my use of force against his is still a behavioral dynamic I consider when I think about these issues...

It is sad though, the longer you allow yourself to experience abuse the more it can have a lasting effect and change you. It can give you ptsd like effects and even make you think abuse is ok.

That is not right...

Don't let this... coward do that to you. Don't let yourself put up with abuse that will sour your soul with sadness and hurt.

You sound like you have a kind nature... you want to help someone... love them and have them understand the value of that love.

Don't waste that on someone that will not understand it.

Abusers are often narcissistic morally weak folks who cannot define themselves and their value in life through anything other than the abuse and control over others.

... sigh...

A lot of folks in this thread have given you good advice please take it.

He says im the only good thing in his life.

Of course. Whispering sweet nothings is the first tactic of an abusive manipulator.

He is insanely jealous.

Another quality of a weak man.

I shake and tremble when I think I hear him coming home.

What more proof do you need? Listen to your body... it's telling you to get away from this person.

and the next day is oh omg i put a hole in the wall?? omg i made you cry?? I hurt you?? dude I don't remember blah blah blah

Faking surprise and regret... another common tactic of a manipulative asshole.

...
....
.....

I hate the smell of weakness.

That dude stinks of it from here.

If you learn to dislike that smell, you'll be better off in life.

Exactly. I agree.

 

[creature]

Odin?

a great post..

reminds me of my mother..

her first marriage was abusive, & destructive not only to herself, but to my step brother & sisters, too..
perhaps even more so than her, in some ways..
she recovered & remained the good woman she was..
they were fucked from an early age & a couple of them *stayed* fucked..

man..

what a fucking shame..

i am fifty fucking 6, but if i had had you as on older brother?

i would be fucking proud..

i would hope i would do the same..


it took my mom 10 years of abuse before she decided that her Love was not loved..

anyways..

great post..
been meaning to comment..


Peace, bro,

J..