Imposter Syndrome and Some Other Complicated Things (1 Viewer)

VariedValue

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Trigger warning; transphobia, sexual abuse, ECT.

Hello StP,

Just you're friendly neighborhood anonymous Antifascist here with some thoughts. Thoughts that I manically have nelsewhere to share.

So, I suppose I should just say this as frankly as possible. I've been severely and unforgivably transphobic at earlier stages in life. Growing up in the south east certainly didn't help, and being raised in an alt right family did even worse damage. I was raised to and did project homophobic rhetoric until I was 13 and finally came to terms with being queer, though at the time I had no idea how deep it would actually go (see, this is me still lying to myself and others. I knew from like 8 I wasn't a cis male, I didn't know that I knew but I fucking KNEW). I had been questioning my very species from a young age, regularly clawing at my skin wondering if I was from another planet. Something just... Didn't feel right. It evolved into me ripping my (to be fair baby) teeth out of my head when they showed the slightest bit of give. I spun and spun them until I could yank them out. Mind you, this was not a kid normally losing teeth, I fucking pulled those things out way before they were ready, even causing a severe infection that the docs said they "had only seen in 3rd world countries without access to antibiotics" (terminology theirs not mine) and landed me 2 weeks in the hospital. I experienced rampant sexual abuse from my mother's boyfriend's and was bullied and abused heavily in school from since I can remember. Wether for being a little weird or just wearing makeup to school or a patch jacket getting me suspended, expelled, or honest much worse, beaten down and humiliated in my EXTREAMLY small town (less than 1000 ppl)
without going into too much, what I'm saying is like lots of folx I experienced what I now realize is severe trama and abuse.
And I did not react well...

Long story short this self destructive behavior and outside abuse would soon evolve and manifest into toxic and abusive behaviors to family, friends, and partners. Including transphobic abuses when I still (unconvincingly to myself at least) contiuned to attempt to convence others and myself that I was cis. I have hurt a many of people. Yet, with support from an amazing queer community I was able to come out as non binary/gender queer but have honestly always felt and even more recently have been feeling as if I'd be more... Me, if I... How to say, acknowledge (?) myself as a trans women who uses she/her pronouns. However, even if I did, my past behaviors have made me feel.. in not sure how to put this, undeserving?... I don't know.
I don't feel like I have the right to change my pronouns because of my behavior in the past
Is this imposter Syndrome hitting me in a new wave? Am I just.. idk, looking for excuses for my toxicity..
sorry y'all, late night rant. Not so cohesive. Glad it's out there thou I guess.
 
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roughdraft

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sounds like guilt

you were in an environment that influenced you a certain way and you were younger, less developed and thought a certain way.

you brought yourself out of it and now you think differently, i wouldn't limit yourself based on your past errors. that you aren't "deserving" of whatever you want.

i can't relate to the pronoun issues but i see a sort of parallel between this issue you have with not feeling "worthy" to define yourself as you identify and people who have been thru certain traumas believing they aren't "deserving" of love, for example.

i wouldn't advise you to do it to yourself
 

feralautistic

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Jul 5, 2019
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Current Location
pacific
trans woman here. if you wanna use she/her and call yourself a woman, go for it. trans women aren't some special category of person that never fuck up.... going into denial and replicating abuse isn't even that uncommon, i've known plenty of other trans people who did the same at one point.

i agree with roughdraft here, you can't live your life worrying about whether you deserve happiness. you can't change the past, you can only decide how you live today.

good luck, i hope you win over the self-doubt :)
 

LEAN

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Sep 1, 2019
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I catch myself questioning things I've done in the past and being hypocritical, then I realize that no one else is thinking about my problems because its all just in my head.

Do what makes you feel happy and secure in your own body.
 

salxtina

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Joined
Jun 17, 2015
Messages
257
Current Location
Holyoke, MA
Hey - I don''t interact here much any more because of the casual sexism as social bonding game
but I'm really glad you made it this far,
and I can't really know what it's like to be a trans woman etc, but if you ever want to chat feel free to throw me a line
 

MFB

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Joined
Nov 15, 2012
Messages
212
Age
38
Current Location
CO
I dont know your age.
But for me, a lot of adulthood was running away from childhood drama.
The best advice I can give is to say focus on not being attached to your past. Accept it. Let it go.

Like a grand oak had everything it needed to grow strong in a tiny nut/seed, you have that same perfection in you to become what you should be. You just need to nourish that. 😊
 

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