I need advice

[janktoaster]

Damn....... my grandparents are moving out of their house in September and I won't be able to see it one last time. I spent my entire life visiting their house in rural New Jersey. Almost every one of my holidays was spent eating spiced nuts in front of their fire place. I remember the smell of the soap that my grandma used in the kitchen and the sound of the gravel driveway under my feet. It's weird, I never thought I'd miss a house so much, but I'm so sad right now.

I know they're too old to handle it themselves and are moving to a retirement community, but that house was and always will be my life. The trees, the brook and the fields and the smell of hay on the breeze and the daily early morning mourning doves outside the room I'd always sleep in. The old apple cider press that my great great grandpa used and running from all the wasps that would loiter around us as we made it, fresh. The bench under the willow tree. The sledding hill and hot chocolate and ginger snaps. The sight of the thousands of daffodils in the spring that my grandma spent years planting. Her expansive vegetable garden I spent hours and hours with her in, learning about the plants and helping her plant them. The sound of their flag flapping in the wind.

I'll miss it. I miss them, I wish I was closer. I'm trying to start an actual life in Oregon, because for the last eight or so years I've been living for others and not myself. I haven't been true to myself and I've been set to be here for two years, but it feels wrong. My friend's roommate split on the rent agreement, so I'm helping her finish her lease: it's up in December. But, I can't for the life of me find a job. Odd jobs off Craigslist can't pay the rent, and seeing all the crusty kids makes me want to be back on the road. I have a car here that gets incredible gas mileage, but I've never jugged and I would rather work than fly a sign. I want to go back to school, I want to teach English to high schoolers. I've always wanted to, but I hate school. I've dropped out of two colleges, but I want to go, it's the strangest thing. I love to learn and I love meeting new, likeminded people and I want to teach. I want to be the teacher that makes kids like school, want to be there and enjoy what they're learning, mainly because I never really had that, aside from maybe one or two teachers that made an impact. I told my grandma I'd go back to school, so I have to. I have to and I know it, I have two years left, maybe three.

I'm just truly lost and confused and torn and depressed, in a rut. I've applied to 30+ places and get interviews and then nothing. And they all go so well! It's discouraging to say the least. I just, I'm torn. Do I pack my shit and go back east, closer to where they'll be in Maine? I can't stand to be this far from them, I want to be within driving distance.... I go to a school somewhere, in some new city and finish that and then travel for a while? Do I make what I can and leave my friend and her lease and pack my shit and try and make it back to the east coast? I would just hop or hitch but I can't leave the car, my grandparents loaned it to me to use out here. Do I stay here and live in my car and go to school? Keep trying to find a job here? Struggle until December and then go? Or do I go back and say screw school and just hit the road for a while? Travel around New England? It calls me daily. But I need purpose and yes the road is a purpose, my urge to travel is stronger than most emotions I feel, but I don't know.

I'm sorry this went on so long, I didn't mean to write a novel. No need to read this far, I'm just kinda venting. Thinking out loud. If y'all do get this far, I guess just give me your thoughts. Many thanks

 

[Odin]

You always write well JToaster. Sounds like a lovely place your grandparents house. I never really had much of that.
You sound like you have some great aspirations and only advice I got is to keep chipping away no matter what. Often the difference between success and failure is dogged persistence.
I wish I was younger and had taken a few different paths myself. But I still have time and options. I understand depression it is a hell of a brain condition.
SUcks and all I can say is do what makes you happy and good luck.
Peace.

 

[janktoaster]

It was really a hideaway from things, from bad family problems and when life went sour. They were there. Depression is fucking terrible and I almost had it conquered but it came back, which kills me.

Thank you for your words Odin, I have a decision to make I guess. I'm still young, still have time. But the time I have with them is limited.

 

[Ande1968]

if your truly asking for advice here is my advice to your predicament:
your grandparents house, cherish the memories and understand there feelings maybe they are tired and want a break from being the foundation. Think about it the way you think about the road, maybe they want to runaway and start a new journey as well.
As far as teaching, you can teach with a high school diploma, albeit substitute, you can test it out and see if it fits you first. almost all school districts will employ high school graduates that meet the criteria of a clear background the opportunity.
next peace corp, join the peace corps and test out your fortitude, volunteer and test yourself, experience and i think 6500 cash when you finish your commitment(2 yrs, i think, it is on the internet). Hell join the military for a 4 year hitch and role on, GI bill and your family, your community, your country will honor you for life not to mention the numerous other benefits.

Move and when I say move; move, your friends debts are not yours, be kind and explain your situation however if you can't make it in one location move. move, jobs are all over here in PA, warehouse, office, drivers, road building, (10 to 16 an hour) construction you name it, it's here in the east. Go to a large metropolis and you will find work if you want it bad enough.
Your car, I am sure if you sold some stuff and or bartered a passenger (rider) back east you could get gas money.
You have to start thinking like a motivated person; like a teacher.
Teachers do more than teach, they learn daily. you have to learn how to live before you can teach how to live.

Just my two cents for what it is worth.

 

[Kim Chee]

Well, shit.

I'll pay you for a working cider press

You ask a lot of questions. I hope this time of asking others passes soon just as you discover that all along you always had the answers and that affirmation isn't important.

You're on the right track, brother.

 

[psychofoamer]

Live for yourself and thins will buff out. If more people did things because they want to and not be issue they feel other people need them to, I think the world would work better...do what you feel is right in your heart and what makes you happy. You are the most important person in your life..

 

[Ande1968]

You can not help anyone if you first have not helped yourself.

 

[Mankini]

I always recommend working for Outward Bound or NOLS. Theyre perfect jobs for learning about yourself.

Union membership is a must. I dont care if its IWW or AFL-CIO: if youre unionized you'll get more work and better pay. The Merchant Marines Union is a great place to start. Again, because sea time will give you a chance to know yourself.

You wanna teach? Get a degree: a Masters is preferable and you get paid to go to school so why tha F not.
You can get a TEFL degree fairly easily.