by trying to be nice, but sounding like an asshole?
& you know, if i were, i would just snipe your thread like that, & leave it be...
but you obviously need some sort of input, so i will lay it on you, because, in fact, i *am* an asshole...
#1) where do *you* stand in your priorities of existence?
if you are #1, then fuck everything & do what you want, even if it includes chickening out.
#2) if you are *not* #1 in your priorities, then you need to assess whether or not you can actually *be* whom you are in your resent situation..
compromise of self usually compromises others, also.
if you have doubts because of a feeling of right vs. wrong, rather than possible obligations vs. freedom, then you MUST assess the question of right & wrong.
the issue of obligation vs. freedom may be intrinsically tied to it, and what you may be feeling are not doubts, so much as resistance to an answer you do not want to admit to.
if that is the source of your doubts, then this reply will be useless to you, because the resistance will still be present.
obligations, though, do not always override the need for survival, so you need to assess just how real your obligations are; not in the sense that you can, in fact, absolutely abandon them, but as to what difference they make to yourself and the welfare of others to whom you believe they are owed.
i will assure, you, sparrow, that if you turn away from the duties required from you towards the ones you love, or to whom you owe your welfare, the self evaluation of your own worth will come back to haunt you for as many years as it takes you to rationalize it.... and not only that, eventually something will rimind you, with the same kind of grief, of someone failing you when you had hoped they were more important to you than their desires of the moment.
if someone's *life* depends on you, whom you are close to, you should *NOT* abandon them..
if someone's *comfort*, howerver, is in question, it is another issue...
no on whom loves you will want to see you in pain, so go..
go, explore & be fucking free.
return what good you can to those whom you love.
but if your mom has cancer, is otherwise seriously ill, or really unable to care for herself, and you are her only child that can help her, then that is what you need to do.
no bullshit, no doubts, no "should i?"s
if there's additional family, and they're better prepared, then offer what you can, but do not sacrifice yourself simply to make their lives easier, although you *are* obligated to help in as much a way as you are able, without sacrificing yourself unnecessarily..
when my father was ill, before dying, my mom took care of him...
as much as i wanted to get the hell off the east coast, it wasn't until he died in '05 that i took off on my first long trip in years..
i feel good about that...
i really don't regret it...
but.. my mom was there & my sisters...
when i could, i went to visit & help out, but i wasn't intrinsicly needed, except for emotional support... which is super, super important..
i don't know what your situation is, at all, really, but..
doubts usually come from 2 things:
fear or conflicting desires...
find out where yours are from...
if your mom was a good one.. if she took care of you, fed you, didn't senselessly beat you, did the stuff that moms do.. well..
if she needs it, you owe it.
one way or the other.
& there is no doubt to that.
& it's hard.
but... if she's able to take care of herself.. & especialy if there's anyone else to help... don't worry..
do what you need to, for yourself.
no doubts there, either...
it sounds like you haven't had a lot of experience traveling..
it is best to prep yourself as well as possible so that you can be as independent as you can.
there's a lot of different theories on that..
probably stay away from creeps like me, i guess...
the kind of traveling you will most likely be doing is intrinsically dangerous..
if you have friends you can more or less couchsurf with, and hop rides without hitching, you're best off that way..
you may meets some punks in vans or cars to cruise with for a while, too..
you need to be super carefull of drugs..
there's no way to overemphasize that..
if you have enough strength to remain whom you are, at all times & do nothing so unwise as to start using addictive substances, you'll be fine.
i would recommend traveling with a guy who will remain in front of you at all costs, or a girl with some solid combat training, if possible.
the fewer folks you travel with, if you don't have shared wheels, the mobility there is.
if you have a license, florida is a good state to get a car in.. no inspections & if you screw down a propane stove in a van, you can re-title it as an RV, and the insurance becomes shit cheap..
anyways... hope yer ok..
peace..
john
