Cleansing your life of toxic relationships...

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

This is very relevant to something I'm dealing with right now, and I know I'm not the only person on this forum who has dealt with toxic or abusive relationships.
Without getting into too much personal detail; I fell madly and deeply in love with someone who was very, very bad for me a few years ago. I broke up with him not long after we started dating, because I saw abusive patterns opening up. Ever since then, he's always known how to pop up in my life when I'm feeling weak. I start talking to him again, only to realize how miserable, confused, and hurt it makes me feel. I cut him off, deciding that I will have to care about him from a distance. He never manages to talk me into getting back together with him, he only gets as far as mutual correspondence.
Right now, I'm dealing with a lot. A close relative is dying, a friend of mine turned out to be a pretty fucked up person who I cut out of my life, and then he shows up again. Talks me into adding him on facebook. I start opening up and then... he starts ignoring me. Did I mention that this guy is extremely bad for me? I think I did, but it bears repeating. My old wounds start opening up again. I'm hurting, and I'm so upset that I let my guard down (again!). I'm overwhelmed with emotion, practically suffocating, when this beautiful little article pops up. It's like a breath of fresh air, I tell you. It's everything I needed to hear.
I hope that it can help some of you, too.
Now, while you guys read this, I'm going to take another shot at making things right with myself. Wish me luck

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/letting-go-of-unhealthy-relationships-and-rediscovering-yourself/

 

[Brother X]

Been there, done that. Ended my last toxic relationship 2 years ago and even when she tried to reach out as "friends" (how it always restarted in the past) I refused to reply. Eventually, after 2 years, she went away and this year did not try to reach out to me for the holidays or my b-day. Maybe someday in the distant future, we can bump into each other and we'll both have grown as people and we can be acquaintances, or even friends (it's happened before) but until then, I refuse to have my feelings manipulated anymore. The only ting that's going to assure me of that is time and distance.

Not sure that helps, but I hope you can take away something from that.

 

[Tude]

Ha, Took many years but I'm able to wave hi and get a hello back from one very toxic relationship (I run into him occasionally - I just don't hang around the places he does). He stalked me for 3 years despite being arrested for it and causing me bodily harm (face plant on sidewalk - that breaks a bunch of stuff ...) and the other toxic relationship (ex husband) - I keep track of him via sex offender list (not me) - to make sure of his whereabouts.

 

[Matt Derrick]

i can identify with that. the majority of relationships ive had with women were pretty toxic, so i find it pretty hard to trust women that i'm interested in. i mostly stick to one night stands because of that; what that says about me or if that's a good or bad thing i dunno... but in regards to what you're saying, i had a girl recently (about 2 years ago) that i hooked up with that was just amazing, gorgeous, way out of my league, and i just couldn't imagine why she would want to hang out with me, but she did.

unfortunately though, a lot of women i hook up with turn out to be alcoholics, and this one in particular would kind of only show up when she needed something from me (emotional or otherwise) but would always blow me off when i needed something from her (another pattern in my relationships). recently (like 2 months ago) she messaged me on facebook and offered to stop by while she was driving cross country. i seriously spent like 45 minutes looking at her pics on fb and remembering how much i was into her before remembering that she really only cared about herself and her needs, so i ultimately blocked her without responding, and felt pretty proud of myself for doing so.

i remember telling myself this girl was poison. i've had a lot of relationships where my partner fucked me over, so as a defense mechanism i pretty much just cut them out of my life entirely the first time it happens. i know some people deserve second chances, but i guess im just too bitter and unwilling to go through that a second time.

 

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Good for you guys!
I'm finally entering a stage in my life where I have self respect and want to gravitate toward people who bring positive things into my life. It may sound ridiculous, but whenever I so much as start answering this guy's facebook messages, I go straight back to crying myself to sleep at night. I have a smaller appetite, lower self esteem, negative thought patterns... it's really quite dramatic. He's an emotional vampire. I don't think he's very aware of it, either.
Some people are poisonous, and they're poisonous to you because they are usually poisonous to themselves in some way. Until they find peace in themselves, they will continue to damage others. Once you see those characteristics in a person, all you can really do is distance yourself. There is no fixing them, there is no healthy relationship you can have with them. Sometimes it hurts you a helluva lot more than it hurts them, but you just have to separate.

 

[creature]

the main thing is courage & balls.
you are driving in your wagon, right?

fuck everything & everyone else.

you only need to be good & you only need to be strong in order to do what you need to be *free*..

DO NOT MISTAKE FREEDOM FOR BEING ABLE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT.

freedom is a state of servitude.

this is what has gotten you into trouble, in the first place.

you see duty, & you see it as something more important than yourself (which it is).

the error, however, is in making another person more important than yourself,
WHEN THEY ARE NOT ACTUALLY SUBJUGATING (yes, subjugating) TO WHAT YOU ALSO DESIRE TO SERVE..

it is easy to say things.

it is another to live them.

it is easy to 50% of the way. or even 75% of the way or even ***89%** percent of the way..

it is that last little bit that *really* means anything.. (hence why i am so pissed)..

without the last little bit, everything is pretend..

Just Fucking Pretend

so that we can Get What We Want..

"ohh.. she is pretty..oh.. she will give.. oh i can manipulate her.. oh.. i can leverage this relationship to get the most from her with putting out as little commitment as plausible, so that i can confuse her into a state of guilt by stating i am incapable of overcoming things i am not responsible for.."

blah blah fucking blah blah.

real fucking warriors who know what salt tastes like, instead of how pretty it looks to *look* like they know what it tastes like

take their hits..


fuck you for bitching.


be a guy.


you are in your fucking car.

learn what you need to, or be a goddamned pawn.

take your fucking hits.
& sing with those whom do..


there is no fucking comfort.


there is only reaching towards what you need to know

& mistake

& what you learn from them.


there are more morally shitty engineers, astrophysicists, artists, travelers., athletes,or
**what-fucking-ever**

than can be used to blame. damn, or excuse..

out of ALL of us, all that matters is what we do that allows us to be usefull & of comfort to each other..

nothing fucking else matters..


you want a fucking war??

you fucking fucking revolution???


you want to know what salt is & sunlight, as worry & a weight upon your being, & a need that will never leave your breath, like the hope that if nothing Else,
God brings some sort of



Equality???


then just be, not only fucking kind,


but damn yourself for your imperfections, also....


& not merely damn.

but try & fucking Do Something about them, also..



& then you will find out where your balls are..


& then you will find out were you may Truly
Love

& truly

Serve

& be what you are meant to be

because

your Giving

creates


More...

 

[Desert]

The hardest thing I have found, especially on the road, is to trust the one you are traveling with. I have had several toxic relationships with women I have traveled with. It is difficult to meet someone and essentially move in with them in the matter of moments. I have also had some very good experiences as well.

Sometimes, it is just necessary to separate yourself from those who are negative and move on. I don't believe that means you love them less or have lost respect for them but that you have enough respect yourself to keep their shit from dragging you down. Relationships are difficult because your emotional health is tied to the others happiness. Recognizing this means understanding that if the other person is a poison, you are being poisoned. Walking away is so very difficult for many of us.

 

[creature]

i dunno..


i can't help but think that 'toxic" is often a word we use to prevent us from looking at ourselves..
i mean, at what point do we say "hey.. *i* fucked up.. i *chose* to enter into/ stay in a relationship that clearly wasn't fair, but i enjoyed it enough to remain until i damn near poisoned myself".


toxic relationships are generally not mutually supportive..
if you have a need to serve or to be of use, & that is not made use of, constructively, then what attracts you?
the fight to try & be of use & value, anyways?
the excitement of something else in the relationship?
a basic need you have that you can't control?


this is off thread, perhaps, but.. you know?
relationships sometimes are like a swim in rocky sand during heavy surf & a big ass undertow..


if you go in, you had better know how to roll & you had better know you will probably be pummeled, & that you will probably drown or be washed away..


now.. personally?


i *like*.. or *liked* swimming in rough weather..

i *enjoyed* the gravel & trying to find my breath & when i was luck enough to only be half-drowned?


i had all the smell of the sea in me, the exaltation of fear & an understanding that water like that could kill..


that may not be the same as 'toxic', but it's critical to understand why you are there in the first place.
what is your basic desire?
is it the person?
is it your hope to expand yourself?
is it what you *think* you see in someone.. or *want* to see.. or *believe could be..?


*instead* of ***what actually is??***


so you have to be hard.


*you* have to be toxic to the shit that is toxic to you.


ultimately you may have to decide if a relationship is compatible with what is actually most important to you.


if it *isn't*, then *any* relationship will be *toxic*..


being free & being happy are *not* about getting what you want.


there are about *doing what you should*..


so be carefull about poisoning *yourself*, rather than blaming other people, because you did something unsound to begin with..


it's like a used car..
you see one you like, maybe you get a good feeling, *maybe* that feeling pans out..
but you had *better* fucking have enough sense to check it out & check it out well, before you drop your dollars, because once your in the seat, that portion of the trip is entirely dependent upon *you* to be able to maintain it from there, forward..


nothing is more stupid than someone who doesn't know jack crap about cars & grabbing a beat-up old volkswagon because they think "i love them, they're so cuuuttteee...."


fuck cuteness..


fuck feelings..


you get a good feeling about a car, you check it out, as well as you possibly can, & if you see something fatal, beyond your reasonable skills to repair or otherwise address, you walk the fuck away.


fuck feelings.


feelings are what get you in trouble, because those are what we hold onto, instead of actual truth.
we get 'feelings' that something will be ok, or somebody will change or something will happen..


& that's fine, if you act on them, but *don't* blame the event for not happening, the thing that fucks up or the person that doesn't change or the car whose fucking seat disintegrates underneath you on the highway..


you went on your *feelings*, & feelings are never, ever, ever, *ever* justifiably a basis for making major decisions..


& relationships, unfortunately, are built entirely upon feelings.


so what you need to do, before you lay down your cold, hard emotional currency of love, devotion, trust, work & dedication is take shit out for a ride, first..


you *wait*..
you see how much work *they* will do..
watch them.. & **then** get your feelings..


now.. if you do that & they turn out to be shits, & were just pretending to get yer valuables, well then fuck 'em..


but.. if you just 'went with the flow' or whatever, & you dinna have the wisdom & strength to Walk The Fuck Away.. then it is your own damn fault, & do not look for comfort or encouragement, until you actually walk the fuck away, so that people don't have to waste their time dressing & re-dressing you wounds.


& learn.


learn that relationships & love are the hardest fucking work in the world, & don't hook up with anyone who isn't going to hammer just as hard with you & for you, as you are going to, for them.


& do NOT cut them a lot of slack.


loving people & being usefull takes fucking balls.


unless you're down with living a sheltered existence..


an unlikely case for a girl performing oceanside communion out of the tailgate of her vehicle.


love is like a martial art, sister..


real love.


and *everybody* gets it, one way or the other, even when you can't give it..


so to deal with a toxic relationship, don't fuck around.
demand fairness from those whom have promised fairness
& don't invest yourself into those whom are not.


before all else, be fair to yourself, because if you love, then your fairness to yourself is *not* for yourself.
it is what keeps us able to give, for the sake of giving..


if you aren't fair to yourself.. if you don't demand that your concerns for your perception of the world & the actions you believe you should take within it are respected, allowed & nurtured, then you will never, never, never be satisfied.


& so the best thing to do may be to rely solely upon yourself...

yeah, that may be lonely as all hell, but it beats the fuck out of dependancy & beats the fuck out of blaming the addiction or blaming the inaction or blaming the feelings..

& yeah, it is pretty fucking hard, but the fact is that other people will be able to depend on you.

you can't be free if you can't control yourself..

& the *real* place that toxin often comes from is wanting too much & not being able to walk away..

 

[PotBellyFatGuy]

as we all know, this also applies to family members, not just a friend or a lover. i don't believe ppl. can change *unless* there is active effort undertaken such as seeing a psychologist, drawing up a plan to modify behavior, changing that person's environment/belief system, etc. now how often does someone do that? very very rare therefore once toxic, always toxic. not looking for perfection but if you see bad stuff (basically that borders on disrespect), it will never work.

 

[creature]

well.. you know..

'disrespectful' is a term open to evaluation..

is disagreeing or demanding fairness & describing people as the are, because of their unfairness disrespect?

No it is not.

^ FUCK PEOPLE WHO WON'T LOOK AT THEMSELVES AFTER SOMEONE WHOM IS IMPORTANT TO THEM BITCHES AT THEM BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY BELIEVE IS UNFAIR,..

shit..

if somebody is so fucking whiny & weak that they take simple, non-physical, non-violent, non-threatening complaining given from a non-bitchy, but concerned position?

fuck them to fucking hell.

they don't deserve friendship, the work it entails or the risk it takes to pursue & secure it.

they are just selfish, childish shits who are only interested in what their fantasies, & what hey *want*, rather than what they can actually *create*, rather than the hard work of being what *they* believe* they *should* be, if they want to be anything other than just an item of their fucking imagination..

shit..

*disrespect* is the *Call Out*, when it comes from someone you love & respect already..

i think, maybe, what you might be referring to, though, is

*meanness*..

fuck this soft "if you hurt my feelings you don't love me" shit..

fuck..

people need to be strong enough & brave enough to live up to their *own* expectations, & maybe *then* they will have what it takes to tell others, ****with no fucking respect AT ALL*** to **go fuck themselves..**

 

[PotBellyFatGuy]

by disrespect, i meant to say, you can feel it. i am not talking on technical terms. yes i am referring to meanness and not caring but then again everyone is selfish. that's just how we are as a species.

 

[creature]

yeah, i was a bit ranty, there, & not quite clear that i was clarifying, rather than responding..

sorry about that...

i know folks who think they are so fucking superior that if you offer any constructive observations they just give the "fuck off" vibe..

that's pretty toxic, itself, but people who are out & out mean are the worst of us to look at..

it's the ones that *hide* their meanness that are *really* dangerous...

 

[BuiltForComfortNotSpeed]

Wow! And I thought this only happens to me...lol. As I type this, an ex of mine is coming from NYC to OH on business and is spending two days with me. She, like others are self centered and expect me to do for them when they need something. I am low maintenance so IF I ever ask for something, it means that it's important to me (like I am deathly ill). I am self sufficient, outgoing, funny, etc. I have always had in the back of my mind that there must be something wrong with me to keep attracting women like this.

With the invention of the internet and placing myself in situations and in relationships with women I would not be with if it were up to me, I find that it's not me.....It's them. I don't know what has happened over the last 30 years but it seems like the majority of people are diagnosed with a mental disorder. Predators come out of the woodwork. People living in a fantasy world who like to pretend they are someone else. The manipulators have even taken courses on how to better their skill.

It seems that when I tell a woman no or leave me alone, or I stop talking to her then she really comes after me. If I pay her attention she will disappear. So, I say, it's not you and only you know what is or is not good for you. I see the manipulator in him. I also see the predator. Anyone who does not genuinely care about you (or me) should not be in our lives. I have taken the necessary steps to do just that, which unfortunately included family and childhood friends.

 

[Obiwan]

I was in pretty messed-up relationship for about two and a half years with my Old Road dog, there were instances of violence there were times when I covered her ass when the cops were called because I was gushing blood from my forehead because she broke things over my head, she isn't a bad person, it's just when you road dog with somebody, you never really get time apart, you're never really get space and that's what happened, we never had our space to breathe, although she never spoke up about it even when I question her about it.. don't talk to her anymore she doesn't talk to me, we pushed each other away, it was toxic, I still love her, always will, I just hope she's alive and well, I worry about her but I'm living my life from now and I got an awesome dog, remember it's healthy and good to have space it's just the time and place has to be perfect you know? make sure you're both safe because this world is insane loving you all.

 

[xeperu]

this is something I have experience with as well. I've found YouTube is a gold mine for information to help me understand why I kept having these sorts of relationships in my life. In short, I found it had to do with conditioning that went all the way back into childhood; to make a long story short, my parents and home life was dysfunctional and this conditioned me to ignore my feelings, care too much about what other people thought of me (instead of what I thought about myself), and generally left me feeling numb and in PTSD for a while.

It's been over 10 years since I've lived near them and I've made a lot of progress toward working out some of the subconscious patterning that results from being in toxic relationships. There are red flags you can look out for when assessing whether or not to be involved with someone.

Here are a few channels I've found useful:

https://www.youtube.com/user/lisaaromano1
https://www.youtube.com/user/selfcarehaven
https://www.youtube.com/user/clinicalcareconsult

Try researching codependency as well.

I hope this helps someone else, too!

 

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Nice thread, guys Lots of resources and good stories.
Take it one day at a time. These patterns can be hard to break because they are often deeply ingrained in a person's subconscious. There's no shame in admitting that you have a tendency to gravitate toward these kinds of relationships; if anything it is the first step to improving on that problem.
I hope that all of us get a chance at a truly happy and loving relationship someday. Just keep fighting.

 

[creature]

toxic isn't what we seek.

toxic is what we accept.

 

[tennesseejed]

i remember telling myself this girl was poison. i've had a lot of relationships where my partner fucked me over, so as a defense mechanism i pretty much just cut them out of my life entirely the first time it happens. i know some people deserve second chances, but i guess im just too bitter and unwilling to go through that a second time.

I can currently identify with this sir. And I am currently doing the same.