If I use strong language and self deprecating sentences in this post please keep in mind that I am not looking for an outpouring of assurance and pity from anyone reading. I am simply expressing my frustrations in a way that will be cathartic for me and attach emotions to a disorder that's often written about without emotion in medical journals. So with that in mind, let's talk about vaginismus!
Vaginismus is a disorder in which the muscles in one's vagina spasm and contract to a point where nothing can enter it thus making intercourse, tampon insertion, any kind of vaginal penetration impossible. Attach a possible septate or micro-perforate hymen into the mix and you begin to feel like one of the most unfuckable people alive. The pain associated with this condition can range from minor to excruciating. In addition it's possible to experience emotional detachment and have "numb areas" during sex. This is to say that erogenous zones such as the clit or nipples loose any type of sensual feeling. Often times this can occur because the body is trying to protect itself from trauma or it can be a direct result of trauma experienced in the past whether from vaginismus or not.
In my experience in all of this I have lived on the extreme pain end of the spectrum. On very rare occasions I've been able to insert my own finger into my vagina but nothing more and any attempt by another person to do so has failed. Even worse than the physical pain and rejection of sex by my body is the metric tons of weight that it holds down on my conscious.
Everybody wants to feel the closeness that intercourse provides. And when you can't receive that or provide it for someone else it makes you feel like you're missing out on being human. You feel as though you need to provide a clause for anyone interested in you. A 'caution road work ahead' sign if you will. In the background you hear the noise of people enjoying their sex lives, enjoying the closeness they can feel.
Ultimately it makes me feel sub human. I don't feel like a full woman. I have people tell me that it's something I will just have to get over. I have to face the pain and over come it. Well I've been trying for years and the pain doesn't get any better. I've been told that I need to overcome this myself because a 21 year old virgin is something no one wants to touch.
I have hope I'll be able to master my body one day. To reconcile and forgive it for betraying me for so many years. I think I'll be able to see her soon as a friend in recovery and be able to lift her up and give her the strength she needs to get through. I hope one day I can love my vagina. I hope one day she'll be ok. Anyway I'm a bit buzzed now to deal with writing this. I may post more but feel free to discuss below. Thanks for listening <3
Vaginismus is a disorder in which the muscles in one's vagina spasm and contract to a point where nothing can enter it thus making intercourse, tampon insertion, any kind of vaginal penetration impossible. Attach a possible septate or micro-perforate hymen into the mix and you begin to feel like one of the most unfuckable people alive. The pain associated with this condition can range from minor to excruciating. In addition it's possible to experience emotional detachment and have "numb areas" during sex. This is to say that erogenous zones such as the clit or nipples loose any type of sensual feeling. Often times this can occur because the body is trying to protect itself from trauma or it can be a direct result of trauma experienced in the past whether from vaginismus or not.
In my experience in all of this I have lived on the extreme pain end of the spectrum. On very rare occasions I've been able to insert my own finger into my vagina but nothing more and any attempt by another person to do so has failed. Even worse than the physical pain and rejection of sex by my body is the metric tons of weight that it holds down on my conscious.
Everybody wants to feel the closeness that intercourse provides. And when you can't receive that or provide it for someone else it makes you feel like you're missing out on being human. You feel as though you need to provide a clause for anyone interested in you. A 'caution road work ahead' sign if you will. In the background you hear the noise of people enjoying their sex lives, enjoying the closeness they can feel.
Ultimately it makes me feel sub human. I don't feel like a full woman. I have people tell me that it's something I will just have to get over. I have to face the pain and over come it. Well I've been trying for years and the pain doesn't get any better. I've been told that I need to overcome this myself because a 21 year old virgin is something no one wants to touch.
I have hope I'll be able to master my body one day. To reconcile and forgive it for betraying me for so many years. I think I'll be able to see her soon as a friend in recovery and be able to lift her up and give her the strength she needs to get through. I hope one day I can love my vagina. I hope one day she'll be ok. Anyway I'm a bit buzzed now to deal with writing this. I may post more but feel free to discuss below. Thanks for listening <3
