Hmmm, I dont see much point in this note, maybe other than putting my thoughts down on paper, as an answer to the battle raging in
my heart and mind. Again, I dont expect anyone to read this or really give a shit either. *shrug* just for myself mainly.....
Ever since I was a little boy, I can remember always being outside in my free time. I found every excuse I could to go outside. I remember most of my childhood as always being outside playing with the neighborhood kids.
Even as a teenager, I was still always outside. I spent much of my teenage years outside, often in the nearby 400 acre forest/park, known simply as "The Woods" to me. For me that place was and still is a place of wonder for me. While I may know every god damn inch of it like the back of my hand, be it man made paths or animal paths. That place holds a special part of my heart. For so many reasons.
I used to spend soooo muchhhh fuuucking time there. As a teen, when everyone got out of school, i didnt go home to rush to the xbox or the computer or tv, and i didnt go out with other kids at night to party and shit, the stuff normal kids did. I went home and rushed to the woods, to behold their beauty and the wondrous sights that greeted my ears and eyes. I went from the school I hated so MUCH, to educate myself about the only part of earth i cared about, the natural part, nature.
When I got older i started moving on from the woods although i still regularly visited them. As an 18 year or old, senior year highschool, etc, I would always travel down into the country SW of Wichita, as it was close to my home. Ive always lived on the very edge of sw wichita in the past. The city line was literally 200 ft from my door, and after that BOOM, fields everywhere.
But I would always get in my car and just drive and drive and drive, the back roads, the roads that went off into who the fuck knows where, winding up many times 50 miles or more from wichita. Back then that was alot to drive, just to go out and explore, plus the 50 back. lol.
Id always go out there and find me a spot, wether it be a bridge over a deep gorge and river in the woods, or a giant single oak tree on a lonely dirt road. Id just read a book, do photography, sit alone and watch the sunsets, then watch the stars. I would bring botany books with me, and learn about the local wildflowers, the local trees. Id bring a telescope and binoculors (spelling?) with me, and an astronomy book, and learn all the constellations of the sky. Id come home late as hell, 2am, 3am, completely avoiding the reality of the world around me.
See..I am a Pisces. I used to never believe in astrology despite my occult/pagan beliefs, until earlier this year when I lived with my ex. She has seriously got to be the WORST relationship I had ever been in, I mean she tried to fucking kill me, she destroyed half my shit, literally ripped my clothes and shit up. God damn! .....but I loved that woman. She ment the fucking world to me back then, and so when shit went to hell, one day I got curious and looked up her zodiac sign. And I read about her and my compatibility, and dude the problems we were predicted to have were ridiulously spot on.
I would always read her horoscopes at the END of the day, and they were ALWAYS spot on. Well you see this got me into realizing that astrology is real, and since then Ive come to accept it into the rest of what I believe. And so why does the fact that Im pisces matter?
Pisces are incredibly dreamy people. We are always off in our own world, and out of the 12 zodiac signs, pisces are the odd ones out. We really are. We tend to be travelers, or people with proffessions involving the natural world etc.
Pisces are because of this incredibly out of it, if you will, off in our own reality. You say this is a bad thing for some people, because we can become delusional.
Im not delusional though, Im just explaining WHY PART one, why i have such a huge attraction to traveling (if you or anyone who knows me personally you know its incredibly MADLY hard for me to give up the road, travelers curse etc).
So keeping all this in mind we can see that all my life I have had a huge love for all things nature related. Countryside related. Exploration. How i love to explore. I consider myself a modern day vagabond, because technically, that IS what I am.
So now we come to the point of Leaving. Getting on the fucking road.
About 2 or 3 years ago I discovered hitchhiking. And up unto this point of discovery, my previous years of living with my parents, I spent alot of time getting in trouble. I spent alot of time "running away from home" . Before I was 18 i left my house in the middle of the night on a number of occasions with no intention of returning. So you can see this hitchhiking traveling business wasnt necessarily a new thing to me. Alot of people dont know that.
Now at the point of discovery of hitchhiking, I was also at the point of dicovery for my spirituality. Now I must stop at this mentioning of spirituality, and emphsize just how god damn serious i take the shit i believe. Its REASON ONE, the most important reason, why I travel, and live like I do, and while I cant explain it fully in this note, and i wouldnt anyways, its important to note that I am also a Pilgrim, which is traveler from afar, whose destination(s) is/are of religious or cultural importance.
For me everywhere is of spiritual importance to me (notice i say spiritual not religious, as i hate religion, but not spirituality). So I am a pilgrim for life, and I also believe in enlightenment, in steps, until one day ultimate enlightenment is reached. Thus life is a never ending pilgrimage for me, and even more so literally since Im a traveler.
Well when i discovered hitchhiking I took a few trips, and my parents were STRAIGHT UP NOT COOL with it. In fact within 2 short years my relationship with my mom was completely destroyed, my sisters thought i was a lunatic (told me it to my face in fact; I will never forget that day), and my father was/is the only member of my family to still remain in contact with me. But even it is a small rough awkward relationship that i have with him.
So as you can see for whatever reason, my family rejected my lifestyle choices, and as a result me, their fucking son, their fucking brother. their fucking bloodline. and for what? Cuz i want to be free, and do my own bloody fucking thing?
So as a result of the abandonement, I chased the traveling even more. I didnt come running back home to my family who thought i was crazy? fuck that, fuck them in that sense. I still love my family, despite the fact that i hardly exist to them though.
So i constantly tried to leave. and now we come to the point of this note, the main part.
BUt i couldnt. I am plauged by challenges, and lemme tell you motherfucker, traveling on foot imposes great diffiulty to the inexperienced. Ive had some horrible luck getting stranded in places, and being stuck in blizzards and storms. And while it CAN kill me, I dont let it. You dont let it. YOu keep on truckin those next grueling 20 miles so you can reach some shelter or get some water. I mean shit turns sour sometimes. And each time it got bad the first 3 or 4 trips, i was like fuck this shit im going home.
But that was in the past, now i barely have a home to come home to. Sure i can go to my parents if i want to have them not acept me to my face. If i want to have my dad try to convert me 24 7. If i want to put up with even more stress then I have now.
Well the later half the 5th, the 6th, the 7th and 8th trips, i got over the difficulty more and more and just forced myself to stay put and keep on trucking it, even if death overtakes me. I would like to die on the road, and go down in my small history as a good ol traveler. See i dont work like regular people. Dying on a deathbed in a hospital surrounded by loved ones is a revolting idea to me. I want to die while in the moment. living it.
So since ive been over this difficulty ive been meaning to hit the road for good, for a year or so. do some real traveling. but shit keeps motherfucking popping up. and recently it was my ex. once i finally got out of that shithole relationship, i hit the road since last august for good. ive been up in north dakota for a long ass time and all up and down I 29 through nebraska and missouri and south dakota and all that shit numerous times.
Now im back in wichita cuz I missed home. But ive been here for too long.
And i really want to get the fuck out. But i keep putting it off, wasting my precious time which is limited on this earth.
I keep staying cuz its too fucking cold, or because I meet someone special, etc. I keep staying and staying and staying and its really starting to piss me the fuck off. My anxiety has been heightened and im on edge. my synesthesia has been off the fucking chain. my epilepsy feels like it could return at any moment half the time. and my heart and mind are being torn asunder. Im in a constant warring state of agony with myself, within my head now.
Behind the eyes, behind the smiles and the laughter i feel at such loss, and at the deepest point of an incredibly dark abyss, facing my fear. my demon.
ah the demon. the fear. they have been with me for the past decade. its grown. and grown. and grown. acquiring worse and worse parts. the outcast. the depression. the despair. the agony. the loss of family. the loss of friends. death is everywhere these days. then the madness of coping with being rejected for who i am. really it haunts me every fuking breath i take. I just want to get the fuck out of here, but this weather is fucking cold as shit, (i have gear to handle it though, i just dont want to deal with the cold).
plus i met someone special at least to me, over this past weekend. hey man i really like you, but dude, you dont want be part of my life, you dont wanna be dragged into the hell that can be me. the hitchhiking traveling bullshit I KNOW youll have to put up with eventually. honey, im destined to be alone.
if a soullmate exists for me, they are out on the road somewhere. I wish I didnt have to be like this. I wish I could give up the traveling sometimes, but you see I cant. I have whats called the hitchhikers curse, or the travelers curse, or simply the itch. the itch to travel. if i force myself to stay put in the city, everyone around me will watch me turn into the most motherfucking solemn depressed human being around. i wont talk. i wont smile. i wont laugh. my tree of life will wither into nothing. my sun will cease to shine and my moon will cease to ligt up the night. and the stars will fall from the sky. and the ground will open beneath me and i will fall and fall and continue to fall until i cease to exist.
So
i have to face this demon, this fear, this ultimate darkness within me, I have to get on the fucking road. My time is limited on this earth. And i know it. Pisces have been scientifically documented to be incredibly psychic, and i take my gut feelings very seriously, as they have never been wrong. i listen to my convictions regardless of the absurdity.
I am so sick of being unhappy, and being stuck in the city, living a lie, living a life i dont want to live, a life that is not mine, it is not me. it is not ment for me. maybe the rest of u folk can live how u do, but i cant. i thirst for more. i thirst for the unknown, even if it brings death. i thirst to live. to really live. i thirst to travel like a motherfucker. i have to get out out of here, before this denial that im not already dying grows any stronger, and my time has run out, and its too late to really become who i am, what im destined to be. And thats a traveler.
