justo
Member
I've been living inside of my head since early June 2011. I've climbed to the very summit of love, only to have been knocked backwards into the valley of despair over and over this past year. I've fallen in love with someone to whom I fear I can never reveal my true feelings. It is supposed to be wrong that I have these feelings because of who she is and who she is with. If I take a step back and try to remember why and how I fell, maybe it will help me let go of it now, even though I shudder at that horrific thought. This is my tale.
We were at Wildwood park. It was late May, the very birth of Summer. The water of Cypress Creek was warm and inviting. Neither one of us had ever swam in or tried to cross the creek to the other side. She had the idea first. We took a shaded narrow trail that wound through the woods and emptied onto the bank of a small bluff. The water appeared shallow enough, so we agreed to cross here to a small island at the bend of the river. We tried sliding down the bluff but she tripped and collided against me and we both tumbled down into the creek. She ended up laying on top of me, both of us covered in mud laughing madly. We got up and climbed out of the gully and made our way back out of the woods. We found a spot where the creek was moving really fast but there was a slab of rock that made it extremely shallow and seemed like it would be easy to cross. I lead the way in the waist deep water. She was holding my hand laughing behind me as the water kept trying to sweep our feet out from under us. It felt amazing. The water flowed swiftly by us and seemed to drown out everything except us. She felt something swim past her leg and quickly jumped on to me and held on rather tight. That's when it hit me. A very strange but familiar warming sensation began spilling out of my chest and covering my body. It hit my stomach first and then my thighs and my knees buckled. I almost dropped her. I can hear her laughing as my weight shifts to keep her from diving head first over my shoulders into the water. Aine, the goddess of love and summer, began whispering in my ear as the floodgates opened up. Over the past several weeks we had been through a lot together as friends. We had been having fairly deep conversations about the inner workings of our mind, things we don't like in this world, and most importantly the things that fascinate us about life, like nature and magic. We discovered we are both pagans. I straighten back up as I leave my head and come back to the creek. I make for the shore on the other side. Her arms are wrapped around my neck, tight around my chest. I think shes thinking of my strength and how she just realized that she hopes I'll always be here and she doesn't want to let go. She tightens her grip and I can feel her face smiling into the back of my head as we reach the middle of the creek.
I wanted to tell her, at that exact moment, that nothing had ever filled me with so much happiness than being with her. I wanted to try to communicate into sentences the sensation that had taken hold of my entire being. I said nothing. We made it to the western shore of the creek, laughed and played in the woods. She is my best friend's girlfriend. I could never betray our trust, I could never cross that fucking line. Generations of socialization through the lens of Christianity, portraying sex as nothing more than an obedient act of creation on the part of the female has created a taboo that has lead to the censorship as well as exploitation of a natural act of life that once knew no boundaries. We tried to cage it, and in turns put shackles on ourselves. The idea of another human owning the will of another is so ingrained in our culture, in our very moral construct. It is as alien to us as we are to the vacuum of space.
We were at Wildwood park. It was late May, the very birth of Summer. The water of Cypress Creek was warm and inviting. Neither one of us had ever swam in or tried to cross the creek to the other side. She had the idea first. We took a shaded narrow trail that wound through the woods and emptied onto the bank of a small bluff. The water appeared shallow enough, so we agreed to cross here to a small island at the bend of the river. We tried sliding down the bluff but she tripped and collided against me and we both tumbled down into the creek. She ended up laying on top of me, both of us covered in mud laughing madly. We got up and climbed out of the gully and made our way back out of the woods. We found a spot where the creek was moving really fast but there was a slab of rock that made it extremely shallow and seemed like it would be easy to cross. I lead the way in the waist deep water. She was holding my hand laughing behind me as the water kept trying to sweep our feet out from under us. It felt amazing. The water flowed swiftly by us and seemed to drown out everything except us. She felt something swim past her leg and quickly jumped on to me and held on rather tight. That's when it hit me. A very strange but familiar warming sensation began spilling out of my chest and covering my body. It hit my stomach first and then my thighs and my knees buckled. I almost dropped her. I can hear her laughing as my weight shifts to keep her from diving head first over my shoulders into the water. Aine, the goddess of love and summer, began whispering in my ear as the floodgates opened up. Over the past several weeks we had been through a lot together as friends. We had been having fairly deep conversations about the inner workings of our mind, things we don't like in this world, and most importantly the things that fascinate us about life, like nature and magic. We discovered we are both pagans. I straighten back up as I leave my head and come back to the creek. I make for the shore on the other side. Her arms are wrapped around my neck, tight around my chest. I think shes thinking of my strength and how she just realized that she hopes I'll always be here and she doesn't want to let go. She tightens her grip and I can feel her face smiling into the back of my head as we reach the middle of the creek.
I wanted to tell her, at that exact moment, that nothing had ever filled me with so much happiness than being with her. I wanted to try to communicate into sentences the sensation that had taken hold of my entire being. I said nothing. We made it to the western shore of the creek, laughed and played in the woods. She is my best friend's girlfriend. I could never betray our trust, I could never cross that fucking line. Generations of socialization through the lens of Christianity, portraying sex as nothing more than an obedient act of creation on the part of the female has created a taboo that has lead to the censorship as well as exploitation of a natural act of life that once knew no boundaries. We tried to cage it, and in turns put shackles on ourselves. The idea of another human owning the will of another is so ingrained in our culture, in our very moral construct. It is as alien to us as we are to the vacuum of space.
