Relationship difficulties with my son

[Tobiko]

Hi! I wasn’t sure where to post this so if another spot is thought to be more worthwhile go ahead and and relocate It.

I am experiencing severe and overwhelming despair after a recent change in my relationship with my 10 year old son. He lives with his mother and her partner and his little sister. they are in so cal, I am currently located in nor cal. I am up here travelling a lot for work. I try to visit him once a month, last year when in so cal more I was trying to visit twice a month. We would talk on phone frequently throughout the week and FaceTime as well. We have had a loving relationship.

about half a week ago he decided that he wants to take a break from talking to me and from visiting with me. From what I am understanding is that a lot of this is coming from how he feels about me living in a van, about how his friends react when they see me and he tells them I am his parent, and the presence of the person that I love and share my life with.

I am going to leave it at that for now, can share more about situation if anybody is open to talking about this with me. I remember people on here talking about being parents and their struggles with that. And also people talking about their travelling parents. I would appreciate if anybody that has read this and it resonates with you in any way could discuss with me. I’m really struggling right now with great sadness and anxiety/panic. Thank y’all so much!

 

[Bibs]

I wish I had some magic words or incantation to fix it all bro, my heart goes out to you. I haven't seen my daughter since my wife passed away, she knows nothing of me or my life or how wonderful and perfect her mother was, shes growing up in silicon valley surrounding by excess and plastic. I fear if I do see her again she will not know me, or worse she will think me lesser because of her upbringing.
I truly truly wish I had some kind of kindness to share, just something, fucking anything to let you know it'll get better, but I can't lie, I will never lie, and in my truthful experience it only gets different. Never better.
I apologize, I'm sure this wasn't helpful, but I'm going to post anyway because it would be dishonest to have written this and then delete it because of a pang of specious conscience.
Take heart at the very least we will face this horror as brothers, as two mountains may never meet, but two people will in time.
Good luck friend may everything you attempt instantly succeed 🤞💪

 

[roguetrader]

now I've only got a little bit of information to go on, but it sounds to me like your sons friends opinions are what's fueling this 'break' - kids that age are desperate to fit in, and they want to avoid anything that makes them stand out as different... I've seen this issue happen a few times - with adults too - indeed a good friend that did a 5 stretch told me and his other punk mates to stop coming for visits, coz he was getting grief from other prisoners about his weird friends...

hopefully as time goes on and your son grows up his views will change, he'll get more confident about standing behind his own opinions and what was once scorned (the travelling scene) will become cool in his eyes...

It's fucking painful in the meantime though man - I sincerely feel for you... I have a 19yr old daughter and we've always been good friends, but since I split with her mum there's a new frostiness that's appeared - now she never wants to hang out with me or go out to eat or visit new places... it ain't nice...

 

[Bibs]

now I've only got a little bit of information to go on, but it sounds to me like your sons friends opinions are what's fueling this 'break' - kids that age are desperate to fit in, and they want to avoid anything that makes them stand out as different... I've seen this issue happen a few times - with adults too - indeed a good friend that did a 5 stretch told me and his other punk mates to stop coming for visits, coz he was getting grief from other prisoners about his weird friends...

hopefully as time goes on and your son grows up his views will change, he'll get more confident about standing behind his own opinions and what was once scorned (the travelling scene) will become cool in his eyes...

It's fucking painful in the meantime though man - I sincerely feel for you... I have a 19yr old daughter and we've always been good friends, but since I split with her mum there's a new frostiness that's appeared - now she never wants to hang out with me or go out to eat or visit new places... it ain't nice...

I'm sorry you're going through it fella, you're good people though I've seen you posting and helping folks for years. I know it doesn't help the immediate situation, but you're a righteous dude and I always appreciate seeing your input on stuff.

 

[Tobiko]

I wish I had some magic words or incantation to fix it all bro, my heart goes out to you. I haven't seen my daughter since my wife passed away, she knows nothing of me or my life or how wonderful and perfect her mother was, shes growing up in silicon valley surrounding by excess and plastic. I fear if I do see her again she will not know me, or worse she will think me lesser because of her upbringing.
I truly truly wish I had some kind of kindness to share, just something, fucking anything to let you know it'll get better, but I can't lie, I will never lie, and in my truthful experience it only gets different. Never better.
I apologize, I'm sure this wasn't helpful, but I'm going to post anyway because it would be dishonest to have written this and then delete it because of a pang of specious conscience.
Take heart at the very least we will face this horror as brothers, as two mountains may never meet, but two people will in time.
Good luck friend may everything you attempt instantly succeed 🤞💪

The kindness is in the honest sharing that’s from the heart, I thank you!
may your hearts desires be fulfilled
much ease and well being

 

[Tobiko]

now I've only got a little bit of information to go on, but it sounds to me like your sons friends opinions are what's fueling this 'break' - kids that age are desperate to fit in, and they want to avoid anything that makes them stand out as different... I've seen this issue happen a few times - with adults too - indeed a good friend that did a 5 stretch told me and his other punk mates to stop coming for visits, coz he was getting grief from other prisoners about his weird friends...

hopefully as time goes on and your son grows up his views will change, he'll get more confident about standing behind his own opinions and what was once scorned (the travelling scene) will become cool in his eyes...

It's fucking painful in the meantime though man - I sincerely feel for you... I have a 19yr old daughter and we've always been good friends, but since I split with her mum there's a new frostiness that's appeared - now she never wants to hang out with me or go out to eat or visit new places... it ain't nice...

Yes, I hope that we can work through what needs to, I let him know that and that I am here whenever he wants to talk and visit again.
and yes, I have seen him over the years make choices ( such as cutting his long hair that he loved) that were based upon the grief he was receiving from peers. so sad, so shitty.
I do hope so very much that you and your daughter get to start hanging out and enjoying things together again soon!

 

[Resorttocannibalism]

I have a few thoughts.

From ages 12 to 14 my daughters could not care less about me. Their whole world was friends and school and I was just embarrassing, annoying or an ATM. Then around 15 something magical happened, they started to come back to me. They wanted to hang out, they’d have real conversations again and they seemed to have their senses of humor back. What’s more is they appreciated what was different about me than other dads. So I would say hang in there and keep showing up. That’s what’s going to matter down the line.
I get that he’s at that age where you’re trying not to stick out and be embarrassed but also you’re his dad so I would not stop showing up. I would say have a convo with him and say hey, “I know you’re uncomfortable about xyz and I get that, but also I’m your dad and I love you and I’m not going anywhere so can we come up with a weekly plan where we can hang out but maybe he can have some input on where that is.” Then he gets some say in the situation but you also show him you’re not going anywhere.
Another thing is food at these ages. All kids want to do is eat so maybe you take him for food.
Big thing is gonna be consistency, don’t just drop in and see him when you feel like it, make a plan and go every time, that will matter now and down the line.
Other thought is, is the mom out to get you out of his life? Is there any parental alienation going on because that requires different tactics legally and emotionally that I’d be happy to talk more about if it’s an issue.
Maybe try listening to what he doesn’t like and doing what you can to make him comfortable but also explaining why you live like you do and why that isn’t going to change. I was the youngest dad at all my kids events and the only dad covered in tattoos but they understood I loved them more than anything and as they’ve grown they have understood why my life is like it is.
Last option is, if you want to respect his space you still send him letters. Weekly. Telling him what’s going on, stories, jokes, how much you love him and how much you want to hang out but respect his decision at this time.
Good luck, it’s not easy but you’ll get though it.

 

[Tobiko]

Hi everybody!
just wanted to give a quick update since I haven’t shared anything about these matters for awhile. I have been talking on phone and FaceTime’ing with my son again. It brings me great joy! Thank you all so very much for the support when I needed it!

 

[Bibs]

Hi everybody!
just wanted to give a quick update since I haven’t shared anything about these matters for awhile. I have been talking on phone and FaceTime’ing with my son again. It brings me great joy! Thank you all so very much for the support when I needed it!

This is the best news I've gotten all year, and I hope everything continues to go well for ya.

 

[MichelleA66]

So glad you are seeing your son. I was going to say it will all turn around with age. My sons, now 34 and 36 love that I was different from their friends' parents, even though back when they were 10, it was not as noticeable. Now, they practically brag about my nomadic lifestyle. So happy for you 🥰