Katthizzsohyphy
Member
My partner and I went crazy at the same time. Normally, one of us stays semi sane and anchors the other down to earth..
.but this one time...
I lost my dream job 3 days in (after quitting a stable shit job), and he had the familiar itch to run. So we did.
It was the end of December, 2014 and we decided to take my POS Durango on a spontaneous road trip to Florida. We made quite a few stops to see places, and friends.
We got auto Wed at Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum, shop lifted in Williamsburg, Virginia (and haughtily posed for pictures in the antique shackles). We fought at some famous pier, and I drove away and parked 5 minutes away until he surprisingly found me. Craziness.
On New Years Eve, we made it to North Carolina and after another stealing spree at walmart, I decided our next stop. One of my BFFs lived on Camp Lejuene, and I happen to have a military ID. I snuck him on base and had a short reunion with Jessica. Her husband informed me about some mad sales at the PX (store on base), and I couldn't resist. We stopped and began another five fingered spree. I made it known I wanted a facial brush refill (those things are like $30 a pop) for my Clarasonic facial cleaner I never fucking used and wandered off, pilfering everything I could get my hands on.
In my excitement I forgot that LP at the PX was top notch. I knew this because my husband (not the same guy...stay with me here) was a military police officer currently stationed in 29 Palms.
As we wandered back together and exited the building, a lady's aggressively said excuse me. I turned around confused, and she pointed to my partner (John) and informed me he took something. I informed her (and him) she was scary and we do not stop, we run from scary people and we made it to the Durango. 3 minutes to get off base and we would be safe.
Unfortunately, Lady Luck was not on our side. As soon as John screeched out of the parking lot the flashing lights were behind us. Just go, I said hiding the facial brush and lighting us cigarettes. They can't chase us off base, they don't have jurisdiction (I remembered this lesson from my husband.
2 minutes to get off base, 7 minutes to get on the highway.
I think we did those incompetent shitbag MP's a favor. It's New Years Eve and they couldn't communicate to raise the spikes at the gate? What if we were terrorists?!
We made it off base despite the car chasing us, and the gate MP waving stop at us. The car did not stop chasing us. This was not going according to plan. Fuck.
We were done for. I apologized to John and said I'd fix this as we were ordered out of the car. He shook his head at me, laid on the ground and calmly smoked his cigarette (this was not his first rodeo), watching me.act.a.fool. in front of a strip mall.
I informed the officer (and his dog) quite aggressively that I was not going to lay on the ground because I was wearing a dress and he needed to wait until I was done smoking. I also inform him he was out of his jurisdiction, just in case he was confused. The dog pulled at the leash trying to lunge but at that moment, I had no fear; I was angry at the audacity of this officer and convinced that this foolishness would somehow help my partner get off for his fucking crime.
Suddenly there was a knee in my back and I knew I was done as my cigarette was kicked out of my hand. John was swarmed by MP's but he had finished his cigarette. It was the least I could do.
To be continued maybe...
Part 2:
We both were transported to the base police station and questioned. I ran my mouth like a crazy person basically pouring out my life story only leaving out the parts about theft and who I was visiting. I ain't no snitch. Why did we run? A scary fat lady was chasing us, and MP's have a terrible rep. I pretended to be the grudge girl at the camera whenever the detective would leave the room. While I hadn't learned not to talk to the police yet (my husband the MP was ashamed at this), I knew that our status as civilians would sort of provide protection to us. The UCMJ doesn't apply to us, and they couldn't punish us.
Unfortunately, what like decades . my questioning the radio chirped.
"We uhh...found a marijuana like substance".
I immediately copped to it, still trying to protect that damn boy, and mentioned I had a med card even though I knew it didn't apply. I'm just a crazy girl heeeeee. The pot was another big reason we ran, it's a federal offense to have it on a military base. Fuck that noise. The detective and I danced a slow, frustrating dance. He questioned me about the marijuana and I would skirt the question and go off on a tangent. The fuck if I'm admitted to having it on base, and since we were not stopped on base, they couldn't technically prove it (at least that was my thought process).
I was booked, and waited for what was next. They continued tossing my vehicle, furious I imagine But there was a slight catch. When you hear "Clarasonic facial refill head" what do you imagine? What if you were a 20 year old buddy fucker? They had no idea what they were searching for, and it infuriated them that they couldn't press more charges, after we embarrassed them.
I apologized to the responding officer, complemented he and his dogs training, and thanked him for not killing me. I am ridiculously lucky for that. Whether it was that his training, me not being stupid enough to move towards the officer in my craziness, or him imagining the publicity and public perception of him being off base with his gun pulled and dog ready against an unarmed female civilian not yet accused of a crime, I will never know. But I am thankful. All the officers and I (except one stereotypical cop) chatted about my husband (the military community is small, especially in the same MOS) and their plans for New Years until finally they let me go out the door...
Straight into the arms of a female civilian cop (fucking new Bern) who arrested me and was not nearly as gentle with the cuffs. They placed me in the cop car and imagine my surprise to see John already in it. We were driven back to the car, I had high hopes. Instead they left us in the squad car and started tossing the durango. The MP's were nice enough to leave some paraphernalia in it for them to find.
They tossed my dirty ass Durango forever. My car was probably searched for 4 hours total, no joke. I saw them open each individual care kit I had and tried to imagine their thoughts. The care kits were little bags I made for the homeless and home free with socks, snacks, OTC meds and all sorts of random shit. John and I joked, kissed, and made plans. John told me not to worry, and he loved me because no one else would ever help him cross off police chase off his bucket list. Some pot and pipes? Pshh...I'll be out in a couple hours to bail him out.
Suddenly a new guy showed up in a suit and dark car. The fucking FBI. For some reason (John never tells me this shit) they could not identify him. He was IDless, and I don't know all the details of his shit. I do know that a few weeks later, his new ID had a "typo" and he was now Jophnny. The MIB asked him who he was, and John grew frustrated and told him he had already told them, and his birth certificate was in the damn trunk of the car they had spent hours searching. The MIB walked over to the local police officers, talked to them for a second, looked at the birth certificate they finally found with the his instructions (so much incompetence, I tell ya) and disappeared into the night after his short 10 minute visit.
I'm tired of writing, so I'll try to wrap it up. Then switched cop cars and we went to jail. Apparently North Carolina doesn't fuck around with marijuana so I got fucked. At midnight (on New Years Eve) we were sitting on the bench of the 24/7 judge/magistrate with two other people and kissed quickly as officer killgrove rolled his eyes and asked who we thought we were...Bonnie and Clyde. I loved it.
I know this sounds crazy, and it was. But it's all true. I can't think of any particular piece of proof that will prove the whole story, but am willing to provide some if y'all don't believe me.
Thanks for reading, I could never tell this story to anyone else.
.but this one time...
I lost my dream job 3 days in (after quitting a stable shit job), and he had the familiar itch to run. So we did.
It was the end of December, 2014 and we decided to take my POS Durango on a spontaneous road trip to Florida. We made quite a few stops to see places, and friends.
We got auto Wed at Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum, shop lifted in Williamsburg, Virginia (and haughtily posed for pictures in the antique shackles). We fought at some famous pier, and I drove away and parked 5 minutes away until he surprisingly found me. Craziness.
On New Years Eve, we made it to North Carolina and after another stealing spree at walmart, I decided our next stop. One of my BFFs lived on Camp Lejuene, and I happen to have a military ID. I snuck him on base and had a short reunion with Jessica. Her husband informed me about some mad sales at the PX (store on base), and I couldn't resist. We stopped and began another five fingered spree. I made it known I wanted a facial brush refill (those things are like $30 a pop) for my Clarasonic facial cleaner I never fucking used and wandered off, pilfering everything I could get my hands on.
In my excitement I forgot that LP at the PX was top notch. I knew this because my husband (not the same guy...stay with me here) was a military police officer currently stationed in 29 Palms.
As we wandered back together and exited the building, a lady's aggressively said excuse me. I turned around confused, and she pointed to my partner (John) and informed me he took something. I informed her (and him) she was scary and we do not stop, we run from scary people and we made it to the Durango. 3 minutes to get off base and we would be safe.
Unfortunately, Lady Luck was not on our side. As soon as John screeched out of the parking lot the flashing lights were behind us. Just go, I said hiding the facial brush and lighting us cigarettes. They can't chase us off base, they don't have jurisdiction (I remembered this lesson from my husband.
2 minutes to get off base, 7 minutes to get on the highway.
I think we did those incompetent shitbag MP's a favor. It's New Years Eve and they couldn't communicate to raise the spikes at the gate? What if we were terrorists?!
We made it off base despite the car chasing us, and the gate MP waving stop at us. The car did not stop chasing us. This was not going according to plan. Fuck.
We were done for. I apologized to John and said I'd fix this as we were ordered out of the car. He shook his head at me, laid on the ground and calmly smoked his cigarette (this was not his first rodeo), watching me.act.a.fool. in front of a strip mall.
I informed the officer (and his dog) quite aggressively that I was not going to lay on the ground because I was wearing a dress and he needed to wait until I was done smoking. I also inform him he was out of his jurisdiction, just in case he was confused. The dog pulled at the leash trying to lunge but at that moment, I had no fear; I was angry at the audacity of this officer and convinced that this foolishness would somehow help my partner get off for his fucking crime.
Suddenly there was a knee in my back and I knew I was done as my cigarette was kicked out of my hand. John was swarmed by MP's but he had finished his cigarette. It was the least I could do.
To be continued maybe...
Part 2:
We both were transported to the base police station and questioned. I ran my mouth like a crazy person basically pouring out my life story only leaving out the parts about theft and who I was visiting. I ain't no snitch. Why did we run? A scary fat lady was chasing us, and MP's have a terrible rep. I pretended to be the grudge girl at the camera whenever the detective would leave the room. While I hadn't learned not to talk to the police yet (my husband the MP was ashamed at this), I knew that our status as civilians would sort of provide protection to us. The UCMJ doesn't apply to us, and they couldn't punish us.
Unfortunately, what like decades . my questioning the radio chirped.
"We uhh...found a marijuana like substance".
I immediately copped to it, still trying to protect that damn boy, and mentioned I had a med card even though I knew it didn't apply. I'm just a crazy girl heeeeee. The pot was another big reason we ran, it's a federal offense to have it on a military base. Fuck that noise. The detective and I danced a slow, frustrating dance. He questioned me about the marijuana and I would skirt the question and go off on a tangent. The fuck if I'm admitted to having it on base, and since we were not stopped on base, they couldn't technically prove it (at least that was my thought process).
I was booked, and waited for what was next. They continued tossing my vehicle, furious I imagine But there was a slight catch. When you hear "Clarasonic facial refill head" what do you imagine? What if you were a 20 year old buddy fucker? They had no idea what they were searching for, and it infuriated them that they couldn't press more charges, after we embarrassed them.
I apologized to the responding officer, complemented he and his dogs training, and thanked him for not killing me. I am ridiculously lucky for that. Whether it was that his training, me not being stupid enough to move towards the officer in my craziness, or him imagining the publicity and public perception of him being off base with his gun pulled and dog ready against an unarmed female civilian not yet accused of a crime, I will never know. But I am thankful. All the officers and I (except one stereotypical cop) chatted about my husband (the military community is small, especially in the same MOS) and their plans for New Years until finally they let me go out the door...
Straight into the arms of a female civilian cop (fucking new Bern) who arrested me and was not nearly as gentle with the cuffs. They placed me in the cop car and imagine my surprise to see John already in it. We were driven back to the car, I had high hopes. Instead they left us in the squad car and started tossing the durango. The MP's were nice enough to leave some paraphernalia in it for them to find.
They tossed my dirty ass Durango forever. My car was probably searched for 4 hours total, no joke. I saw them open each individual care kit I had and tried to imagine their thoughts. The care kits were little bags I made for the homeless and home free with socks, snacks, OTC meds and all sorts of random shit. John and I joked, kissed, and made plans. John told me not to worry, and he loved me because no one else would ever help him cross off police chase off his bucket list. Some pot and pipes? Pshh...I'll be out in a couple hours to bail him out.
Suddenly a new guy showed up in a suit and dark car. The fucking FBI. For some reason (John never tells me this shit) they could not identify him. He was IDless, and I don't know all the details of his shit. I do know that a few weeks later, his new ID had a "typo" and he was now Jophnny. The MIB asked him who he was, and John grew frustrated and told him he had already told them, and his birth certificate was in the damn trunk of the car they had spent hours searching. The MIB walked over to the local police officers, talked to them for a second, looked at the birth certificate they finally found with the his instructions (so much incompetence, I tell ya) and disappeared into the night after his short 10 minute visit.
I'm tired of writing, so I'll try to wrap it up. Then switched cop cars and we went to jail. Apparently North Carolina doesn't fuck around with marijuana so I got fucked. At midnight (on New Years Eve) we were sitting on the bench of the 24/7 judge/magistrate with two other people and kissed quickly as officer killgrove rolled his eyes and asked who we thought we were...Bonnie and Clyde. I loved it.
I know this sounds crazy, and it was. But it's all true. I can't think of any particular piece of proof that will prove the whole story, but am willing to provide some if y'all don't believe me.
Thanks for reading, I could never tell this story to anyone else.
Last edited:
