I'm having a hard time. It has been one year and 7 days( 1 year 6 days and 17 hours actually) since my ex left me. We were together four and a half years. June 1st 2013 to January 7 2018. She was the light and soul of my life, my reason to thrive. We met while I was on the run from 2 felonie warrents. Her brother ( my best friend) was housing me. Long story short. I was turned in by my own sister after a little more than two years of obsconding (2011 to 2014) and hitching 10 states. I changed and became angry while on probation. My mind closed and there programming took hold. I started to belittle her in little ways and tell her her emotions were invalid, I would correct her words and quibble over the meaning of them. I had a super hard time admitting I was wrong and would argue relentlessly. I couldn't see that I was doing any of this. I was blind and dumb. Cheyenne would even tell me and I would just say she was wrong or shut her verry valid point down. She is the best thing to ever happen to me, my best friend, the best most loving individual I have ever met and I got so negative and angry at life and myself ( im not trying to justify my actions. I have just had time to reflect why i did what i did to her when she did absaloutly nothing to deserve it) then took it out on her and i hurt her ( i think of it like the dump truck theory) so bad that she could not handle it and left me. I do not blame her. I am proud that she is such a strong woman. She is happy with another man that treats her right and is giving her the ability to live out her vagabond river rat dreams. We still speak, she says she has forgiven me and will always love me. And that shit hurts even more bc after a year of almost every day continplating and evaluating my life and why did I say do or act in that manor? That's not who I am. Am i? I believe myself to be a loving understanding open indavidual. So why!!! I have no reason. I have no justification. And I can't forgive myself. I'm tearing myself apart inside everyday. Somedays I feel I'm going insane others I can almost convince myself that it was a nessacary life lesson for both of us. That's what cheyenne keeps telling me. But I have a hard time forgiving myself. I think it goes back to having an physically and mentaly abusive father. My entire life I told myself I would never be him. I have never and never will raise a finger to a woman, but this was to far for my personal standers and beliefs. And I don't know if I would have ever understood but when we broke up I just happened to have two ounces of mushrooms and a book called " the voice of knowledge". So I micro dosed everyday somedays I dosed hard for about two months while I read and reread this book. Luckily I was injured and had a job that allowed me to do so... I cried alot and often as I realized how I had treated such a beautiful soul, over and over relization one after another and I felt like I had failed her. I knew I had failed myself. My mother raised me better. So I guess what I'm asking is if anybody has any experience with such an unforgiving emotion of regret and loss of integraty? How do I forgive myself?