Im a Cop
Member
I'm trying to do the pinkboy thing.
Somehow I snuck into a lease, i had a friend at an old squat pose as my old landlord as a reference. I dont have any credit to check so my new landlady signed me into a two bedroom house, and im definitely in over my head. We had another traveler move in with his 3 pits they were great but the neighbors called about the dogs and he had to go. He just got a job and was helping with the rent. My girlfriend and i shared a room, we put dumpstered vintage porn up to decorate and walk down by the river picking up cool stuff to hang around. It really feels like home. Then we got another roommate to take the other bedroom, a pinkboy through and through he came payed rent and a deposit and we never saw him. he went home for christmas and never came back. 3 weeks later we find out its because of a car accident. So now I'm stuck having to pay rent for the whole house. I started working as soon as we got into the place but shit went down and i had my hours cut to 1 day a week. I cant afford this. But i cant afford to be back on the road with my girlfriend she has a panic disorder and needs the stability. She has never worked and cant help with rent. We picked up a friend from a squat in SF to come live for free and at lease help with the hanging out in this big god damn house.
its midway through january and still no roommate no money for the next month, and no work. I figure we can ride this place out for 30-60 days after we are kicked out. but everything is on me, i have to find the roommate, i have to get the food, i have the car to get anyone anywhere, im the only one who works, I'm an adrenaline junkie im a hummingbird i need to stay moving to keep my demons at bay. i need to sweat out my anxiety my pain. But i cant, im isolated, im in a new place but i know it so well. I have so few friends, i have so little to do. we got realy crafty oh yeah, we got DIY as shit in this fucking house. we found old wood and tools, and i 5 fingered a dremmel tool somewhere, and we have art supplies, but the cabin fever became too much. I was going crazy.
Sunday January 15th. Thou, Brainoil, negative standards, swampwitch played the night before in oakland. I wanted to go so bad, id planned on making the drive to the gilman for a month. but we didnt go, too depressed to muster the energy too much anxiety about having to stay with friends, too much bullshit. An I woke up hating myself for not going. I woke up to my girlfriend sobbing about her father who had passed 2 years before, i felt unsympathetic, i hated myself for only caring if she stopped crying or not. for being selfish angry and insensitive. she woke up got dressed and went about the day. I stayed in our room, struggling to keep together. to be alive. I started folding dirty clothes littering the floor, i tried smoking weed, i drank a beer, i went back to my room. I couldnt talk to anyone in my house because i didnt know what to say i didnt know what to do. I didnt want to be myself anymore. I needed to skate but i was so upset i didnt want to be seen. I didnt want to be myself anymore. I started shaking i started freaking out i went in the bathroom and started to shave my head. But then i thought of how long id had my dreads, i needed something, i remembered the razor burn when i shaved my balls and it seemed like the most cheery mutilation i could afford. but it wasnt real, i shaved my balls not cut myself or cut off the dreads i loved so much. I needed to be someone else. I painted my nails, i put on makeup, my girlfriends clothes, a pushup bra, a wig, a pair of vans id found unisex skate shoes id never worn. I took 1 mg of ativan to calm down and i went to the skatepark.
Dressed like an ugly tranny i skated so angry i fell and slammed and ate shit and didnt land anything, i got angrier and and angrier. I was so confused and frustrated and felt worse than ever because now im at a skatepark half crying with only 4 little kids there and their worried fathers staring at me. Im dying inside and i have an audience of 6 year old boys and 30 year old bro dads. The dads want me to leave i can feel it everytime i fall and my wig comes half off. noone can recognize me and i leave. im skating back to the car crying and i snap my deck in half, i throw the broken pieces at the ground over and over until i get back to the car, someone is staring at me and i scream at them until they turn around and walk the other way. Back at the car i throw my board into the car, first one half through the back window, then the other half though another. glass is in my seat as i sit down. i get closer to my house im yelling, i cant help it, im crying screaming wanting to die. I pull over and take a deep breath....nothing. i jump out the car and with an iron chain and padlock i smash out all the other windows in my car....i feel calm enough to drive, i call my friend to meet me outside, my girlfriend cant see me like this. im fucking dying, im haveing a nervous breakdown, im caving in. And when my friend comes out im in the passenger seat kicking my windshield "i need you to drive me to the hospital". He has no idea whats going on i didnt talk to anyone all day. we drive we arrive i make it inside before collapsing under the receptionists desk, clutching at my throat coughing, crying, blind, and helpless. They get me in a gurney, im choking on my own snot as it pools in the back of my throat and i Spit on the ground next to me. A young male nurse has been eyeing me the whole time, i took the wig and bra off in the car, im me again, and i can feel this toolbox gritting his teeth at me, and when i spit, he says "hey dont spitt on the floor, you want me to call the cops on you?"
That changed everything, i half trusted the hospital to help me, to tell me it was going to be ok, to listen or something. to keep me from hurting myself or beating some unsupecting toolbag like that nurse to death. But when he threatened to call the cops i knew i was in the wrong place. I calmed down as much as i could and told them i didnt want to commit myself anymore, i asked to go, and the fucker called the cops anyways. I was still next to my gurney when i met officer victor, sunglass mustache cop with a power complex. I told him i was leaving i was still hysterical but calmer than id been and he said i couldnt because he was detaining me. i asked what for and he said he needed to figure out what i had done. I said nothing and he asked me if i had been drinking. I fucked up i admitted to the beer 4 hours before i admitted to the 1mg of ativan 3 hours before, and he told me i smelled like booze and he was taking me in for a drunk in public, once those cuffs hit my wrists i started freaking out harder than i had yet. I went limp fell to the floor crying and the cop added on resisting arrest, for not walking, then he bent my wrist back and escorted me to the car, i kept telling him i needed to go to the hospital not jail, please stop hurting my wrist but he just pushed harder when i said anything. Once i was in the car i took all the pain the sadness the anger i had that led to my breakdown and it became rage against what i hated more than anything else in the whole world. COPS. i spat a huge sad crying kid loogie on the glass of the cop car some going through the holes and hitting the cop. Then he added on assaulting a peace officer to my other bullshit charges. I begged to go to the hospital. we were there. the cop refused, i asked them to breathalyze me but the pig refused. we were at the jail in the town where i live when another officer took over driving and drove me an hour away to the county jail. because they didnt have the faciilities to deal with me (they thought i was on meth or something) i almost killed myself in the back of the cop car, i could have, i got as close to it as i could without dying, i did it to show them i could. in jail i flipped out for 2 hours before calming down. i was alone, buttnaked in a cell, just a blanket and only a grated hole in the center of the floor to piss in. every 15 minutes i was visually examined by a jailor, since i asked for my lights off to try to asleep this meant every 15 minutes a pig flicked my lights on, usually forgetting to turn them off, i slep an hour all night. in the moring they asked me if i was suicidal and then released me. an hour away, i have no phone, and the car to pick me up is impounded because the windows are smashed. now i have to go to court on my birthday, i have to pay 400$ to get my car out of impound (it was towed from a mile from my house and the police reported the driver as arrested so i would have to go through them even though the driver was my friend and he wasnt arrested) and im more fucked up than i was when i tried to get help at the hospital. this was my third time in jail and by far the worst. i have nightmares i whimper in my sleep, i have no appetite, im anxious al the time, i feel like shit. i feel so much worse than i did before everthing and its all because the hospital didnt handle me right and the cops hurt me. i got kneed in the side my wrist twisted back bloody ankles from how tight the cuffs were, and now im worse off financially than ever before. i dont know if ill even be able to make it to work, because the idea of leaving my house is terrifying. when before i couldnt bear the thought of staying. What should I do?
Somehow I snuck into a lease, i had a friend at an old squat pose as my old landlord as a reference. I dont have any credit to check so my new landlady signed me into a two bedroom house, and im definitely in over my head. We had another traveler move in with his 3 pits they were great but the neighbors called about the dogs and he had to go. He just got a job and was helping with the rent. My girlfriend and i shared a room, we put dumpstered vintage porn up to decorate and walk down by the river picking up cool stuff to hang around. It really feels like home. Then we got another roommate to take the other bedroom, a pinkboy through and through he came payed rent and a deposit and we never saw him. he went home for christmas and never came back. 3 weeks later we find out its because of a car accident. So now I'm stuck having to pay rent for the whole house. I started working as soon as we got into the place but shit went down and i had my hours cut to 1 day a week. I cant afford this. But i cant afford to be back on the road with my girlfriend she has a panic disorder and needs the stability. She has never worked and cant help with rent. We picked up a friend from a squat in SF to come live for free and at lease help with the hanging out in this big god damn house.
its midway through january and still no roommate no money for the next month, and no work. I figure we can ride this place out for 30-60 days after we are kicked out. but everything is on me, i have to find the roommate, i have to get the food, i have the car to get anyone anywhere, im the only one who works, I'm an adrenaline junkie im a hummingbird i need to stay moving to keep my demons at bay. i need to sweat out my anxiety my pain. But i cant, im isolated, im in a new place but i know it so well. I have so few friends, i have so little to do. we got realy crafty oh yeah, we got DIY as shit in this fucking house. we found old wood and tools, and i 5 fingered a dremmel tool somewhere, and we have art supplies, but the cabin fever became too much. I was going crazy.
Sunday January 15th. Thou, Brainoil, negative standards, swampwitch played the night before in oakland. I wanted to go so bad, id planned on making the drive to the gilman for a month. but we didnt go, too depressed to muster the energy too much anxiety about having to stay with friends, too much bullshit. An I woke up hating myself for not going. I woke up to my girlfriend sobbing about her father who had passed 2 years before, i felt unsympathetic, i hated myself for only caring if she stopped crying or not. for being selfish angry and insensitive. she woke up got dressed and went about the day. I stayed in our room, struggling to keep together. to be alive. I started folding dirty clothes littering the floor, i tried smoking weed, i drank a beer, i went back to my room. I couldnt talk to anyone in my house because i didnt know what to say i didnt know what to do. I didnt want to be myself anymore. I needed to skate but i was so upset i didnt want to be seen. I didnt want to be myself anymore. I started shaking i started freaking out i went in the bathroom and started to shave my head. But then i thought of how long id had my dreads, i needed something, i remembered the razor burn when i shaved my balls and it seemed like the most cheery mutilation i could afford. but it wasnt real, i shaved my balls not cut myself or cut off the dreads i loved so much. I needed to be someone else. I painted my nails, i put on makeup, my girlfriends clothes, a pushup bra, a wig, a pair of vans id found unisex skate shoes id never worn. I took 1 mg of ativan to calm down and i went to the skatepark.
Dressed like an ugly tranny i skated so angry i fell and slammed and ate shit and didnt land anything, i got angrier and and angrier. I was so confused and frustrated and felt worse than ever because now im at a skatepark half crying with only 4 little kids there and their worried fathers staring at me. Im dying inside and i have an audience of 6 year old boys and 30 year old bro dads. The dads want me to leave i can feel it everytime i fall and my wig comes half off. noone can recognize me and i leave. im skating back to the car crying and i snap my deck in half, i throw the broken pieces at the ground over and over until i get back to the car, someone is staring at me and i scream at them until they turn around and walk the other way. Back at the car i throw my board into the car, first one half through the back window, then the other half though another. glass is in my seat as i sit down. i get closer to my house im yelling, i cant help it, im crying screaming wanting to die. I pull over and take a deep breath....nothing. i jump out the car and with an iron chain and padlock i smash out all the other windows in my car....i feel calm enough to drive, i call my friend to meet me outside, my girlfriend cant see me like this. im fucking dying, im haveing a nervous breakdown, im caving in. And when my friend comes out im in the passenger seat kicking my windshield "i need you to drive me to the hospital". He has no idea whats going on i didnt talk to anyone all day. we drive we arrive i make it inside before collapsing under the receptionists desk, clutching at my throat coughing, crying, blind, and helpless. They get me in a gurney, im choking on my own snot as it pools in the back of my throat and i Spit on the ground next to me. A young male nurse has been eyeing me the whole time, i took the wig and bra off in the car, im me again, and i can feel this toolbox gritting his teeth at me, and when i spit, he says "hey dont spitt on the floor, you want me to call the cops on you?"
That changed everything, i half trusted the hospital to help me, to tell me it was going to be ok, to listen or something. to keep me from hurting myself or beating some unsupecting toolbag like that nurse to death. But when he threatened to call the cops i knew i was in the wrong place. I calmed down as much as i could and told them i didnt want to commit myself anymore, i asked to go, and the fucker called the cops anyways. I was still next to my gurney when i met officer victor, sunglass mustache cop with a power complex. I told him i was leaving i was still hysterical but calmer than id been and he said i couldnt because he was detaining me. i asked what for and he said he needed to figure out what i had done. I said nothing and he asked me if i had been drinking. I fucked up i admitted to the beer 4 hours before i admitted to the 1mg of ativan 3 hours before, and he told me i smelled like booze and he was taking me in for a drunk in public, once those cuffs hit my wrists i started freaking out harder than i had yet. I went limp fell to the floor crying and the cop added on resisting arrest, for not walking, then he bent my wrist back and escorted me to the car, i kept telling him i needed to go to the hospital not jail, please stop hurting my wrist but he just pushed harder when i said anything. Once i was in the car i took all the pain the sadness the anger i had that led to my breakdown and it became rage against what i hated more than anything else in the whole world. COPS. i spat a huge sad crying kid loogie on the glass of the cop car some going through the holes and hitting the cop. Then he added on assaulting a peace officer to my other bullshit charges. I begged to go to the hospital. we were there. the cop refused, i asked them to breathalyze me but the pig refused. we were at the jail in the town where i live when another officer took over driving and drove me an hour away to the county jail. because they didnt have the faciilities to deal with me (they thought i was on meth or something) i almost killed myself in the back of the cop car, i could have, i got as close to it as i could without dying, i did it to show them i could. in jail i flipped out for 2 hours before calming down. i was alone, buttnaked in a cell, just a blanket and only a grated hole in the center of the floor to piss in. every 15 minutes i was visually examined by a jailor, since i asked for my lights off to try to asleep this meant every 15 minutes a pig flicked my lights on, usually forgetting to turn them off, i slep an hour all night. in the moring they asked me if i was suicidal and then released me. an hour away, i have no phone, and the car to pick me up is impounded because the windows are smashed. now i have to go to court on my birthday, i have to pay 400$ to get my car out of impound (it was towed from a mile from my house and the police reported the driver as arrested so i would have to go through them even though the driver was my friend and he wasnt arrested) and im more fucked up than i was when i tried to get help at the hospital. this was my third time in jail and by far the worst. i have nightmares i whimper in my sleep, i have no appetite, im anxious al the time, i feel like shit. i feel so much worse than i did before everthing and its all because the hospital didnt handle me right and the cops hurt me. i got kneed in the side my wrist twisted back bloody ankles from how tight the cuffs were, and now im worse off financially than ever before. i dont know if ill even be able to make it to work, because the idea of leaving my house is terrifying. when before i couldnt bear the thought of staying. What should I do?
