Good friend no longer wanting to live, not sure what I'm supposed to do?

[Jimmy Beans]

Met my friend Lee in 1990, he's one of my very favorite people I've ever met. He's always hated the way society operates, absolutely loathes the system and the sheep who blindly participate/help perpetuate it. At one point he had over 50 rifles and more ammunition than any one person could ever spend. Talked of going against cops and dying doing something he felt needed to be done. Ended up getting some chick pregnant, sold all but one gun and now he's broke still living with his folks he's never left their home and he's 40.

His daughters mother slandered him in court making harsh accusations and the courts seem to unfairly have her back over his. He's just sick of it all, tired of feeling like a pawn in a system that doesn't give a shit about him. I've received the calls from him in the past, always sounds like he's going to end it but continually tells me he doesn't have whatever it is inside that gives a person the ability to pull the trigger. I've had his gun with me for a long time, not because I took it away from him but rather because his parents have called in on him before during episodes and he doesn't want it taken away by the jakes.

So last night he comes over and takes it, says he's going into the woods and leaving this place forever. I hugged him up, told him I loved him and I'm here for him but let him go freely. At this point I feel like I'm supposed to just back off, that's what seems fair to him yanno? But I've lost so many friends it's fucking hard to just do that. Maybe the wrong decision but I went to his folks house to talk to them. They didn't seem aware he was having any issues, but urged that we go find him. I texted him and let him know we were heading into the mountains together, if for no other reason to just listen to him and give his folks a chance to at least hug up their son one last time. He responded in text and just said they don't even have the intellect to understand. He didn't tell me to turn around, he just said they don't get it.

I directed them to a place I had a feeling he'd be and sure enough he was there sitting on a high mound of rubble overlooking a lake with his shotgun by his side. I took a short walk and let his parents approach him first, that didn't go too well. His dad came to me and said maybe I could try. I told them to leave me up there with him and I'd hitchhike back on my own if need be. They left, I sat by his side and told him I wasn't going to try and talk him off that mound or into going anywhere or doing anything. He said thank you, we sat there smoking cigarettes in silence looking out over the lake.

He told me he originally drove further but the roads were blocked due to a wildfire. His leg fell asleep at some point and he stood up and walked it off, then asked if I wanted to go watch the fire. We watched it burn for hours, at the end he and I were both hungry and I offered to buy him a burrito if he felt like heading back. He said sure, we drove home and ate. I left him at his house and he told me to take the gun back with me. Today I feel drained emotionally, and I hope he's feeling better.

I guess I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do. He says it's never going to end and I tell him it always ends, we have no choice we all get our time to die whether we're ready or not. I think he wants his pain to end sooner, but can't bring himself to do it. I don't want to overstep my boundaries as a friend, I would never withhold his gun from him but god damn it's fucking hard to hand something like that over to a good friend knowing this could be the time they finally do find the ability inside to pull the trigger. It's a dark subject, I'm not sure where it's supposed to go but I was hoping someone might have some sort of experience with this. What does a friend do? It's so much more difficult because he has brought another life into existence and I feel like when you've done that it's not entirely fair to that child to just walk away.

Thoughts? Advice? Criticism? Anything is welcome.

 

[WieselFlink]

It's a really complicated matter...if you want feel free to pm me. I had a few friends with those tendencies and stood on the edge myselfe more than once. Don't know if I can help but I'll listen to you if you need someone to talk to

 

[Archon Haz]

Withhold his gun, I slit my wrists a year ago. 12 months later Im glad Im alive (finding this sight and bein inspired to save up and head out to the rode helped) .

As far as the courts go, they are super sexist, you never get in any altercation with a woman - or she will destroy you in court. If you want to hear some horror stories about how guys were screwd by the court even though they were i the right - jsut read some of the TRP.

 

[ghostjohny]

kindness and love can always help, friend

 

[Mankini]

1: throw that fucking gun away
2: get help
3: throw that FUCKING gun away
4: contact professionals in the community who can give you advice on how to deal with suicidal people.
5: Get 2 copies of this book: 1 for you and 1 for him:

https://www.sonoma.edu/users/s/shawth/mans Search

 

[salxtina]

Mr. Tiny Pretzel -
I was dragged through the court process for a full year for alleged "domestic violence" against my older, larger, male relative. I don't know in what reality you think courts/prisons are some feminist bulwark.

Lupo -
I'm sorry about your friend. I can hardly fault someone for wanting to go out in a stand against the cops... in the meantime, yeah, is there any way you can take the gun away from him?? People using less-lethal means often wind up having time to reconsider... in the end it's his choice and no power can stop someone who's really determined to go. It's important that he has you there to listen, which is all we can really do. Also a reminder that it's not wrong/failure for you to hit whatever limits of your own, like you said, it's emotionally draining stuff that we can only process so much of at a time...

 

[FoxworthK]

If someone wants to body their self they will; period. You cannot be at all places at all times, all you can do is let them know you're there for them. Voice your opinion and such.


Sent from my iPhone using the Squat the Planet mobile app!

 

[Jimmy Beans]

Thank you, all of you. To clarify something, I do in fact have his gun. When he asked me last night to take it I made no hesitation, it's out of his hands and safe with me. That is.. somewhat relieving but not completely doing the trick. I know there's more than one way to get things done, so I'm still nervous. His mother texted me this morning after I wrote this post and asked if I'd heard from him. That his car was left there at their house but he was nowhere to be found, that's not like him at all. Several hours later, now 6pm nobody has heard from him. I'm fearing the worst, ugh. Trying to remain optimistic, but it's certainly a challenge.

 

[Dick Vain]

I think you're doing exactly what you should be. I've lost friends to suicide and listened to the seething judgments of people who claimed to be close to them, but who never gave them time enough to actually listen and understand without condemning.

When you want to die, people who want to live (who want YOU to live) barely even actually see you in that moment. You see your friend with honest eyes. Just keep looking. Keep loving. But whatever you do, don't force your own decisions (or the decisions of others) on him about how he should or shouldn't live his life.

If he wants his gun, you give it to him. If he wants your ear, you lend it to him. If he has your heart, you let him keep it. In the end, life is a choice we all make whether we realize it or not.

I've been there on top of that mound. It's a lonely place to be. But I came down off it because I chose to, not because anybody else made me feel I had to. In those moments, the love of my friends who "got it" gave me everything I needed to eventually "get it" myself.

tl;dr: Keep doing what you're doing. You're the best kind of friend someone in this headspace could possibly have.

 

[Dick Vain]

Thank you, all of you. To clarify something, I do in fact have his gun. When he asked me last night to take it I made no hesitation, it's out of his hands and safe with me. That is.. somewhat relieving but not completely doing the trick. I know there's more than one way to get things done, so I'm still nervous. His mother texted me this morning after I wrote this post and asked if I'd heard from him. That his car was left there at their house but he was nowhere to be found, that's not like him at all. Several hours later, now 6pm nobody has heard from him. I'm fearing the worst, ugh. Trying to remain optimistic, but it's certainly a challenge.

Ah shit. I didn't read this before my comment. Hoping for the best here.

 

[Jimmy Beans]

Cheers. We can bury this one, he's alright. He called an ambulance, they took him in to some sort of mental health facility. He and I went on a bike ride today with a couple other friends as well. It was good, I feel like whatever took place down there at the hospital helped at least on some level. He spoke to a therapist who told him he's traumatized. Also that he should find a hobby, and start doing the things he's interested in again. Seems like such simple advice but it appears to have given him a direction and a place to start. He has always had some sort of hobby, collecting guns then he was obsessed with lego figures for a while, then he started a tarantula collection, did a lot of garden projects etc.. he hasn't been doing any of those things in at least a year. Tarantulas mostly died, garden is dead, he sold the guns when he needed the money, etc. Anyhow.. the therapist kinda put him back on a better course and he's improving it seems. Happy my friend is alright, thanks for all the words and thoughts, everyone.

 

[JasonnAngel]

Your friend sounds like an introvert; a deep thinker.
Hate to point out the fact, but multiple introverted creatives killed themselves this year for the same reasons (Avicci, Cornell, Prince, Bennington, Bourdain, Spade).
Introverts are treated like dog crap in court.
Treated as "mentally ill" just for having feelings.
Long gene polymorphism DRD4 gene replication proves agentic extroverts are taking the world over at an alarming pace. Affiliative extroverts are sweet, agentic extroverts are controlling.
It is becoming more difficult for introverts to live in a world where extroverts are constantly misunderstanding their feelings or treating them different for needing alone time.

All the introverts I know lost custody, regardless of their gender.
2 million moms are without custody.

Being shy/introverted is not the same as mental illness. But cuz introverts aren't as aggressive as extroverts, we lose many things to aggressive extroverts willing to take it all.

 

[Jimmy Beans]

You're definitely in the ballpark with a lot of that. He's definitely introverted, as am I. Good news is he's still around and seems at least right now and for the last several months pretty eased up off those self harming type ideas. I actually gave him his gun back about two months ago so he could go shooting in the mountains. He's definitely doing better it seems.