Everybody knows and harasses me

[blastoise]

I don't know where information about me is being dispensed and accessed by everyone I encounter, and I'm not psychotic or delusional... several people have confirmed to me the reality that I perceive, but most won't give me an inch of admittance, so there is seriously no use in me doing anything or speaking with anyone, because all are fake towards me. They're also hiking prices on food and cigarettes for me, I'm fairly certain, and they will continue hacking my shit and scamming me 'til Kingdom come, which will never happen, so forever, and I shall be forever alone in this world of shit.

I wish I were joking. I guess I should just quit food and cigarettes altogether. But time still remains. My family is no solace at all, quite the opposite actually, being that they too are in on this sick conspiracy. Again, I promise you it's real... It's unbelievable to me but undeniable.

My car melted (fire) a few weeks back and I've been sort of on the streets ever since. I say "sort of" because I haven't even slept outside yet given the circumstances I've been too fearful. But I've walked a lot, been chased, and harassed to no end, aimless. The one friend I thought I had out here fucks with me, but I take what I can get, right, for whatever stupid reason I'm stupid, so he's abandoned me now, disappeared, probably off with my other ex (I hate that I like only have exes, I really do, I'm socially retarded and definitely just had no place being in a ""relationship"" all this time when I didn't even have any friends) in my RV or some shit. I've been terrorized regarding them two and by them two for the past couple of years. I want out, I want to get out so badly but I'm so severely trapped in that everybody knows who I am and treats me like garbage, calls me garbage, I hide in the fucking garbage, I don't give a fuck. I've never been an asshole, and people push me. Given the recent goings on I've come to realize that I may have always been some kind of target, as I've been getting framed and fucked with since elementary school.

So as of this week I've been granted shelter with this guy, a so-called friend of my so-called friend, who disrespects my friend and myself but not aloud when it comes to me. He did admit that he's only allowing me to be here on account of my female gender. He is clearly involved in this bullshit and of course denies everything. So all that makes me pretty uncomfortable and angry. I am not okay with being here, but I can't even think being stuck out there amongst the constant heavy harassment. Nobody will be honest with me. I am beyond sick of it. There is nothing I can do.

If there is anyone in the vicinity of Southern California who might be willing to help me somehow, please do PM me. I still haven't even submitted the claim paperwork to my insurance for my car, but once I do so I should be reimbursed for my car probably within a month's time and could throw you some rent then if need be. I'm helpful, considerate, proactive when I know what there is to be done. I really don't even want to remain "on the grid" anymore, nor do I think I'm wanted therein. However if I were to just disappear, first of all it helps immensely to have 1) money and 2) connections, which I don't. Secondly, there is really no way for me to do so anyway without the CONNECTIONS, even if I had money, like if/when I get the money for my car, because everybody (nationwide) already seems to fucking recognize and fuck with me. Maybe their attitudes would change if I tried to do so. I don't know.

I had a good job in FL that I left to come here. By the time I left they were fucking with me too, as were all the people around. (I was living in my car so I had plenty of time to notice this.) I do web development and was thinking to like travel and get my portfolio back online and freelance doing that. However that prospect seems so deadening the way things are going. I'm just a spectacle. My work will be a stupid spectacle to these fucking bitch ass spectators, a joke even to those who do hire me (and I am mad decent at making websites). I mix music as a hobby but I don't know how my mixes turned out so well, don't know what I'm doing, doubt I could do it live, as I'm always off in my timing and with people. So I don't know what to do with myself, and even if I did, what's the fucking point? I can't get past that unanswerable inquiry, nor simply force myself to set it aside any longer. I'm tired of being the fool. What to do.

 

[fig]

bruv, if you're in southern cali i'd suggest finding a way out to slab city. you could post on the ride board here. i'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time, but you will get through this and to a new place in life. are you familiar with WWOOF? that would get you a place to live, good food and people, out in nature. alot of us have been through similar situations, this isn't your ending and you aren't on your own.

 

[Deleted member 125]

I don't know where information about me is being dispensed and accessed by everyone I encounter, and I'm not psychotic or delusional... several people have confirmed to me the reality that I perceive, but most won't give me an inch of admittance, so there is seriously no use in me doing anything or speaking with anyone, because all are fake towards me. They're also hiking prices on food and cigarettes for me, I'm fairly certain, and they will continue hacking my shit and scamming me 'til Kingdom come, which will never happen, so forever, and I shall be forever alone in this world of shit.

just out of curiosity who do you think "they" are and how are they hiking prices on food and cigarettes just for you?

i think you might need some help man, it sounds like yer having a bit of a breakdown.

 

[blastoise]

Hahaha. I know of WWOOF, was considering it when I had a car. I don't need no help, I can do bad on my own. ""

And I am not delusional, like I said. These people are putting on street theater, planting dopplegangers... It's too real. But miraculously I seem to have just found a spot to post up that seems legit. I'll take the leap. Thanks for your kind words

 

[Matt Derrick]

im not trying to be rude, but it sounds like you're in some dire need of mental health counseling...

 

[autumn]

Hahaha. I know of WWOOF, was considering it when I had a car. I don't need no help, I can do bad on my own. ""

And I am not delusional, like I said. These people are putting on street theater, planting dopplegangers... It's too real. But miraculously I seem to have just found a spot to post up that seems legit. I'll take the leap. Thanks for your kind words

Why are they doing this? How long ago did you begin experiencing this?

 

[Deleted member 19100]

As someone who's dealt with crisis like this subjectively, I can see some similarities in the type of stuff you're describing. You're not going to entertain my advice and you certainly could be upset by it, but I still say it in hopes you'll understand in the future.

You should talk to a professional about what you're experiencing, when you're ready of course. Until you're ready, take some time to critically analyze what you've been thinking. Ask yourself how likely, how possible etc these events really are. Try to poke holes in the scheme you're describing. Gather some evidence contrary to what appears to be the case.

Best of luck mate,
Stephen

 

[blastoise]

@Matt Derrick don't give me that please.

@zim couple years by now.

@Dontaskme believe me, I'm healthily skeptical. I've spoken to "professionals". I am against them, on the whole. They too likely are against me. Nonetheless, as for the question of "why", that I really don't know... but it sure is fucking rough. I even have a recording of the roosters telling me "they're going to murder your friend". Thought I'd recorded a number of public sessions of this harassment happening but it turns out my phone recording app DOES also record music playing in my headphones, when I thought it did not, so like all of those are useless as all you hear if my music pretty much... which just goes to show that I probably deserve it for being such a fucking dumbass lol

 

[blastoise]

ACtually it's not that rough if I just ignore it, which I suppose is within my power. Whatever happens happens. Nothing has yet. They can gather their evidence to be used against me and fuck me up, or maybe they won't. Either way I have no place in the world that isn't fucking fabricated which is the problem. I should do more drugs.

 

[blastoise]

Well some shit has happened but nothing detrimental I guess.

 

[Minky]

Please no more drugs, get some help, professional, church based or just good friends. There is no shame in asking for help, I struggled with depression for years before I got help. Take care of yourself, minky

 

[Deleted member 125]

ACtually it's not that rough if I just ignore it, which I suppose is within my power. Whatever happens happens. Nothing has yet. They can gather their evidence to be used against me and fuck me up, or maybe they won't. Either way I have no place in the world that isn't fucking fabricated which is the problem. I should do more drugs.

it could be argued that doing more drugs that arnt prescribed by a physician is most likely the last thing you need. have you considered talking to somebody (as in a professional that you could possibly trust) about whats happening to you?

 

[fig]

everyone saying they're worried about your current state of mental health, even if they aren't saying it in the most digestible ways, is only saying so because they're concerned for you and want you to get better. i used to have serious paranoid ideas, every time i heard this high-pitched tone in my mind i was sure it was the FBI interfering with my brainwaves. i was positive i could read minds, and others could read mine. it isn't anything to be ashamed of, alot of us go through those times in life. personally, i ended up in the psych ward after a suicide attempt. i was absolutely certain that the floor superintendent was a demon, torturing us. literally. mental illness is just like any other illness, and you can get past it. i genuinely understand, in a way, the things you're feeling. i hope that instead of getting high, you go out into nature and lay down in the grass at the roots of a tree, think as calmly and objectively as you're able to at the moment, and try to recognize that sometimes our imaginations very seriously lead us in the wrong direction. some people might be against you, or taking advantage of you. i don't doubt that at all. but other things, thinking the prices of cigarettes and things are raised for you, out of contempt or vindictiveness; that is just your mind playing tricks on you, i promise. i've been there. i was lucky, i had a very supportive home at the time, and after several months sober and working on getting my mind back in shape, i got healthy. i remember how i started healing my mind, parts of it. for one thing, i started memorizing the names of flowers and great authors, and just thinking of them as the days went on. i memorized the order of the planets in the solar system and recited them in order to myself. it took time, and i'm still not entirely healed. my depression gets out of hand, i have suicidal thoughts and i still get a little paranoid. but there is a vast, beautiful and welcoming world out there, and it needs you just as much as you need it. the oceans, the forests, the museums. we're on your side, and those that aren't are insignificant. i hope you can get out of that town and start to heal yourself. you have friends here, and many more waiting to talk with you. blessed be!!

 

[Deleted member 19100]

@blastoise I'll be straight honest with you, talking about this stuff and empathizing with you brings back some flashbacks, some definitely scary flashbacks... So I understand - to a degree - how you feel. If you'd like to send me a PM, please feel free. Ignoring it, IS a positive course of action for the time being, so please keep that up!

 

[salxtina]

Hi Blastoise - I'm not going to try to convince you that it's practically impossible for *everyone* to have this widespread in-depth knowledge about you, because you probably won't agree with me and that's probably besides the point anyway. What do you need?

I say it's besides the point because yes, people are goddamn cannibals to each other, they don't know our names or birthdays usually, but they take one look at us and decide, here's how I can get over on this person because they're homeless, because they're a drug user, because they're a woman, because they're black or an immigrant or whatever. And the amount of denial and silencing is immense, but I hear you, I hear you're going Through It, and I'm sorry. It might as well be a sick street-theater charade. It's an act that we're drawn into and have little choice in, call it street theater or call it spooks or call it reification. I think only the luckiest, most privileged people in our culture can avoid going through that. But god, most all the mental health people I've met are among that privileged upper crust, and even if they don't want to get me locked up, they keep talking as if I can reasonably expect *access to non-predatory relations as a default*.

What do you need?

 

[anterrabae]

everybody knows and harrasses everybody. people are generally very hateful, envious and malicious creatures. get over it.

 

[Deleted member 19100]

everybody knows and harrasses everybody. people are generally very hateful, envious and malicious creatures. get over it.

I sincerely hope you read OP's title, skipped the body of his message, skipped the entire conversation, assumed OP is a typical dipshit and told him to "get over it". In which case, I really have no problem with the tough love.

Or... perhaps you read OP's message and missed the blindingly clear signs of serious mental health issues, with the prominent symptom being paranoia and went clear over your head. Again, I don't fault you on that. People tend not to notice stuff they aren't subject to. Which I'm glad for you, but I would encourage you to learn about it so you don't miss something like that again.

But if you read, understood, and chose to tell the OP to "get over" their serious mental health problems... I hope we NEVER MEET EACH OTHER ON THE ROAD.

Why am I being a shithead about this? Because there is harm in assuming someone with a problem like this is lying. There is no harm in treating it as a real emergency. Maybe you wasted your precious time flattering someone's ego when they didn't need your attention, but it was damn good practice for the real thing.

 

[Deleted member 20683]

blastoise, i don't want to try to convince you of anything either, just, well here's a thought from someone who has had similar experiences...

the world IS fucked and full of evil and shitty behaviors, it's true. and a lot of us have pretty rough lives, socially and/or subjectively. and no matter who you are, everyone's life is at most points a mixture to some degree of fact and fantasy. what is really out there gets mixed up with how loud some of the feelings are in our heads. do you see what i mean? maybe a LOT of what you're describing is real and maybe SOME of it isn't, or maybe the reasons you think you understand for what you're experiencing aren't quite the right ones. fortunately there are ways to address this stuff- and i'm not necessarily talking about mental health professionals or meds because i have had really bad experiences with all that, from their dumb ass advice to the toxic drugs to the basic idea that my mind/reality was sick or wrong when i knew that at least some of it was incredibly real i just couldn't explain it in a way that made sense to someone with a PhD or whatever, who was already judging me for my beliefs and lifestyle.

like you i have always been socially awkward and had a different view of the world than most people and got bullied a lot from a very young age and it continued on into my time in the traveler scene and there WERE people talking shit about me and rumors following me around for a while. all of that was extremely real BUT it also got to some weird distortions in my head like, well ... kind of like what you're talking about here,thinking that "everyone knows X about me and everyone is out to get me for it." i see now this couldn't possibly have been true....(maybe one day you'll feel the same way about the roosters talking to you?)....it was my reality, stuff that was actually happening in the physical world, mixed up with my feelings, mixed up with the massive amounts of booze and weed i was consuming to deal with those feelings. PLUS, and here's really the kicker, it turned out that i have an autoimmune disorder that had been causing me to have psychiatric symptoms my entire life (which were inaccurately read as ADHD, bipolar, anxiety disorder, depression, aspergers, substance abuse dependency etc...). but all this stuff was possible to deal with and my mental health is a lot better. i don't drink, i meditate, and am following proper medical advice for my illness, etc... i don't talk to a shrink or take psych meds either. the fear and the sadness and isolation don't just disappear, but there is hope, things can go in a better direction. you are here for a reason; i hope you take the best possible care of yourself & i wish you the best.

 

[Chazten]

Your being GaNgSTaLKeD brOOOooOoooo

 

[blastoise]

@Chazten you know it